Summary so far: H asked for a D and after I kicked him out I discovered he was having an affair with an ex-GF. From my previous summary, not much has really changed in my situation other than I am moving forward towards the big D. H has been living at home in the basement but also away at times, of which I suspect with the AP/OW. He seems to be sure that he wants to move on and hasn't shown any change. I have accepted that I do not like or trust the person he is right now. In fact, I wonder if he was ever the person I thought he was. It appears he is weak and lacks true character. But after reading about emotionally unavailable people, I wonder if these behaviors are his walls he puts up. I am not really sure what to think about him. But he isn't a good person right now, and that is what matters as he may never be the person I cared about again. I had tried to stand for him, but I don't feel I can anymore. And, financially I need to protect myself as he continues to spend money and he is hiding things from me that affect me financially. He has agreed to sign an agreement for some funds he has spent, but I've not received that yet. Either way, I've been making preparations towards the D process and am in discussion with a lawyer.
Friend and Family: Everyone is still in shock and it doesn't sound like he's been communicating with many of our friends and family at all. He's sort of off in his own la la land and is avoiding anyone who questions what he is doing. Step-son is still coming over, and I've made accommodations to have him in my temporary place, meanwhile his D (my H) is looking at jobs in other places and not even considering how this impacts his son. At least until he goes off to college.
My emotional state: I'm all over the place. Some days I feel very empowered and other days down in the dumps. I think the limbo of the situation has affected me, but also, I'm ready to get it over with (rip the bandaid off the wound); I feel it will allow me to put the full focus on myself, heal and move forward. I am doing a lot of GAL things, taking a financial course, getting my life organized, relaxing and spending time with friends, and doing self care. I do get numb on occasion and sometimes still depressed, but generally I feel empowered and people tell me I am doing pretty well. I try to embrace all the feelings as I don't want to ignore them. I'm also starting to journal and hoping that will help me. I'm still looking into a new person to see for counseling too, as I feel that will be important. I actually have a lot going on and trying to juggle it all.
I guess that is all I can think of to put on here today to start this new thread.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I sure hope so. Spoke to L yesterday and we will be moving things along. I am also getting myself ready to move out of the home in the next month so that it can go up for sale.
Last trip away, H did not communicate with me at all. This time, he's reached out almost once per day. I try not to compare or think too much of his behavior, but it sure is confusing. Trying to do my best to keep focusing on me. Started to get organized, creating task lists, and getting things in order for my life and to keep my stress as low as possible.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I sure hope so. Spoke to L yesterday and we will be moving things along. I am also getting myself ready to move out of the home in the next month so that it can go up for sale.
Last trip away, H did not communicate with me at all. This time, he's reached out almost once per day. I try not to compare or think too much of his behavior, but it sure is confusing. Trying to do my best to keep focusing on me. Started to get organized, creating task lists, and getting things in order for my life and to keep my stress as low as possible.
El
I compare dealing with a WAS/WS like trying to pattern deer for hunting. Just when you think you have them patterned, they change behavior. Trying to make sense or reconcile the WAS/WS behavior will drive you batty.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Last trip away, H did not communicate with me at all. This time, he's reached out almost once per day. I try not to compare or think too much of his behavior, but it sure is confusing.
Don't let it confuse you. He has separation anxiety and you don't want to ease that for him. That is why NC is so important.
Yeah, our emotional state is all over the place for a while. The seemingly endless limbo and that weird numbness from indifference are not permanent. They wax and wane, as does our depression as we progress towards understanding and acceptance.
It is good you are not working to ignore any of your feelings. That is precisely how one embraces their emotions, acknowledging them and allowing them to be felt.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
In fact, I wonder if he was ever the person I thought he was.
Tread gently and do not go to far down this path. You know your history, do not rewrite it. We have an amazing capacity to reason and create. It is completely normal to question the person H has become, to wonder if he maybe he was all along. It matters not. He is who he is currently. And he was different before.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
It appears he is weak and lacks true character. But after reading about emotionally unavailable people, I wonder if these behaviors are his walls he puts up. I am not really sure what to think about him.
It takes time to find one’s understanding and rationalizing of the events that have befallen us and our spouse. Answers are coming, in time.
Quote
But he isn't a good person right now, and that is what matters as he may never be the person I cared about again. I had tried to stand for him, but I don't feel I can anymore.
“But” usually leads some form of justification. Please consider the following:
“But he isn't a good person...” - H is not a bad person. Sure, he is exhibiting bad behaviour and poor choices, yet he is not a bad person. See the sinner and the sin as two separate items, for they are. You can and should place boundaries on sinful or disrespectful behaviours. It is completely fine to protect one’s self, and hold others properly accountable.
The path of Grace you are hopefully seeking is love the sinner and forgive the sin.
The usual dogma is love/forgive the sinner and hate the sin. That is not compassion and is definitely not Grace. It keeps the forgiver in a place of higher moral position. True forgiveness is a non-transactional exchange; the sinner does not need to perform anything to earn your forgiveness.
Grace, and the acts it inspire, seem a risky venture. Grace has no immediate return, nor promise of any. People, society, see and are programmed to conduct transactionally and therefore shy away from Grace. Yet, an act of Grace is wondrous and powerful. Unconditional love and forgiving is often the very act that encourages and draws the sinner to repent.
“...right now, and that is what matters as he may never be the person I cared about again.” - You hit the nail of the head and I think you don’t realize it. H is who he is right now. He was a different person, someone you cared about. Will he be this way from now on, or will he return, or someone in between, or worse, or better. I do not know. No one can predict the future. What matters is not who H becomes, it’s who you become.
“I had tried to stand for him, but I don't feel I can anymore.” - We all start out standing for our spouse. We gain wisdom and realize we must stand for ourselves.
I understand and empathize with your feelings. Can you guess what I’m about to affirm? Feelings are fleeting. They flit when not reinforced. Do not make life decisions based upon feelings. You are right, you feel like you cannot stand anymore, especially if you are just standing for H. What do you believe? Deep down. Your convictions. Are you happy with them? Proud of them? Inspired by them?
Stand for you. Because you are worth it!!! Believe that.
The path is counterintuitive. It will feel wrong. It will seem wrong. Right up until it isn’t. Beliefs affect and influence all aspects of our lives - love, hate, compassion, Grace, forgiveness, judging, and so on. Strengthen, craft, alter, and discard as necessary to become.
Focus on you and continue your fine inner reflection and work. Never lose sight that you are a wonderful soul. And do choose the path of Grace when you can, for its blessings are many. (((Hugs)))
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I compare dealing with a WAS/WS like trying to pattern deer for hunting. Just when you think you have them patterned, they change behavior. Trying to make sense or reconcile the WAS/WS behavior will drive you batty.
Originally Posted by LH19
Don't let it confuse you. He has separation anxiety and you don't want to ease that for him. That is why NC is so important.
So true. I was ill yesterday and in bed most of the day. H showed more concern than usual...and at one point it came out why. He was concerned that his being here in the home is what was causing me to stay in bed all day. I wanted to say that it isn't that he is here, but yes, his blowing up my life does affect my health. But I didn't want to engage with that conversation. It would lead to R talks. Maybe a part of me is dreading all the packing and preparations I need to do even if some other part of me is so ready to get on with it. My digestion is messed up, I've had strange rashes, and then headaches and migraines. So even if I am functioning and acting strong and doing self-care, my body is still acknowledging that what I am going through is hard and stressful. So hard to get where his head is at and I know not to try to make sense of it, but it still bugs me.
Originally Posted by DnJ
“...right now, and that is what matters as he may never be the person I cared about again.” - You hit the nail of the head and I think you don’t realize it. H is who he is right now. He was a different person, someone you cared about. Will he be this way from now on, or will he return, or someone in between, or worse, or better. I do not know. No one can predict the future. What matters is not who H becomes, it’s who you become.
“I had tried to stand for him, but I don't feel I can anymore.” - We all start out standing for our spouse. We gain wisdom and realize we must stand for ourselves.
I understand and empathize with your feelings. Can you guess what I’m about to affirm? Feelings are fleeting. They flit when not reinforced. Do not make life decisions based upon feelings. You are right, you feel like you cannot stand anymore, especially if you are just standing for H. What do you believe? Deep down. Your convictions. Are you happy with them? Proud of them? Inspired by them?
Stand for you. Because you are worth it!!! Believe that.
The path is counterintuitive. It will feel wrong. It will seem wrong. Right up until it isn’t. Beliefs affect and influence all aspects of our lives - love, hate, compassion, Grace, forgiveness, judging, and so on. Strengthen, craft, alter, and discard as necessary to become.
Focus on you and continue your fine inner reflection and work. Never lose sight that you are a wonderful soul. And do choose the path of Grace when you can, for its blessings are many. (((Hugs)))
Yes, yes. I'm doing my best to do this. I am proud of putting myself first. I am doing my best to stand for me now. Well, I better get some packing done today if I am moving out in 4 weeks or so...
Thanks friends for listening and for your support.
El.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
So true. I was ill yesterday and in bed most of the day. H showed more concern than usual...and at one point it came out why. He was concerned that his being here in the home is what was causing me to stay in bed all day. I wanted to say that it isn't that he is here, but yes, his blowing up my life does affect my health. But I didn't want to engage with that conversation. It would lead to R talks. Maybe a part of me is dreading all the packing and preparations I need to do even if some other part of me is so ready to get on with it. My digestion is messed up, I've had strange rashes, and then headaches and migraines. So even if I am functioning and acting strong and doing self-care, my body is still acknowledging that what I am going through is hard and stressful. So hard to get where his head is at and I know not to try to make sense of it, but it still bugs me.
Stress has a negative impact on health and I am glad you brought all of this up. This is another reason I am such a stickler for the LBS getting into IC. To work through all of this, to help manage the stress, to have an outlet where they can address issues and concerns. We have one poster here that had such a strong reaction to her husband cheating on and leaving her that she started to lose handfuls of hair....and yet still refused to get IC.
This forum is great. I loved it from the moment I discovered it a few weeks into my sitch. But this forum is no substitute for IC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Another issue plaguing me is my family guilting me as to why I am not talking to them about my situation or making time for them even if I am not wanting to do that in the moment. I know they love me and want to help, but he truth is they don't help (at least in their advice). They don't know or understand what I am going through. I don't want to talk to them about it. I want them to understand the boundaries I am setting as I'm trying to do what is best for me and my mental health right now. Making them feel better and them getting what they want from me isn't helping me. It helps them fill a need THEY have that isn't my responsibility. But I can't get them to understand my feelings or accept the boundaries I am trying to set. So then things escalate as they pile on more guilt, and I end up feeling more stressed out than I did before I spoke to them. If I avoid them, I feel even worse. If I give in I feel worse. I can't win.
I've put everyone else first in my life, and now that I am trying to put myself first, they struggle with my choices and make stronger demands. It's exhausting, and I really don't want to feel the burden of their feelings on top of my own right now. Has anyone else had this happen to them? How did you handle it?
Yea, I need IC again...I'd hope to find someone specific I could feel is what I am looking for, but I just might have to do a few more BetterHelp sessions as a holdover of finding the right one.
On another note, I mentioned to my H what happened and how frustrated I was yesterday, and he got all emotional about how he does't want to hurt me and such...it was really odd. He even started to cry. He brought up the agreement and how it uses words that describe using funds outside of our marriage and I reminded him that this is what has happened. It's like he's in denial about it but also feels bad about it. But I'm not believing what I see. He's been lying to me and hiding funds and other things, and I don't want his emotions to alter the fact that I am trying to protect myself from him as well by moving forward on the D.
I just have such a jumble of emotions right now....
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
