Right then! Time to start. When we’re at the end of the story we’ll know more than we do now, for it has to do with an evil ogre! one of the very worst – it was ‘the devil’! One day he was in a really good mood, for he had made a mirror that had the property of reducing everything good and beautiful that was reflected in it into practically nothing, but whatever was fit for nothing and looked bad grew more pronounced and became even worse. The loveliest landscapes looked like boiled spinach in it, and the best of people turned ugly or stood on their heads with no stomach, their faces became so distorted that they were unrecognisable.... It was most amusing, ‘the devil’ said...
Everyone who went to an ogre school – for he ran such a place – said far and wide that a miracle had taken place; now for the first time one could really see, they felt, what the world and people really looked like. They ran around with the mirror, and finally there wasn’t a country or a single person that had not been distorted in it. Now they wanted to fly up to Heaven itself to make fun of the angels and the ‘Good Lord’. The higher they flew with the mirror, the louder it laughed, they could hardly hold onto it; higher and higher they flew, closer to God and the angels; then the mirror shook so violently as it grinned that it shot out of their hands and crashed down onto the ground, where it shattered into hundreds of millions, billions and even more pieces, and that was precisely what caused even more misfortune than before, for some of the pieces were scarcely as big as a grain of sand, and these flew all over the world, and wherever they got into people’s eyes, they stayed put and then those people saw everything wrong, or only had eyes for what was bad about something, for every speck of the mirror had retained the same power as the whole mirror had possessed; some people even got a tiny mirror- shard in their heart, and that was quite horrible – the heart became like a lump of ice. ...
When I became Gerda, I thought I would be walking barefoot through the snow all the way to the Snow Queen so that I could rescue H from his prison, and his tears would wash the devil's shard of glass from his eyes and his heart and he would be able to see again.
I couldn't see this story any other way. This story was so true, so beautiful and so clearly the story of my own life that the story of my marriage would have to have the same ending. It couldn't be written any other way. And I thought that God wanted me to do that, and that he had to restore my marriage because marriage was sacred and restoration was obviously God's plan for all marriages.
I felt this way even after my H filed.
And it was only once the D got underway that I had to begin questioning it. Because all that my H had done before that seemed misguided, MLCish, but ultimately something that I could get past once he was "himself" again. But everything he did for the D went far beyond adultery or lying or abandoning us. It was clear that he wanted to destroy me and humiliate me and leave me on the side of the road, hopefully dead. And I began to realize that H had changed, but that maybe, just maybe, the 2x4's that chased me off these boards in the first year were true. Maybe this side of H had always been there too. Maybe there was a reason that I had never felt that he loved me as I had heard/seen a man can love a woman. Maybe my own childhood traumas had made it impossible for me to see that I ended up with exactly what had been so familiar to me since I was little, growing up in a house full of mental illness and even MLC.
I'm in year three of this never-ending D now, and maybe I had to go through it in order to see my life before H (long before), during H, and one day, after H, clearly. Maybe it had to become this clear that H would do anything to destroy me to see that there were other ways to stand for your marriage. One is just, standing for your kids. Realizing, for example, that letting them witness an abuser abusing you over and over and over is not "holding the family together."
For a long time I thought that something was wrong with me that I couldn't detach or, once I could see that I actually had detached, that I couldn't stop my heart from racing all the time.
Stander, many of us have bona fide PTSD. I think I only started understanding that recently. My brain has been changed, and I am not going to fix that by reading lots of posts about how to detach. Neither are you. It's not all in your head. Some of it is in your brain and your body. You have survived a trauma. And if you had a live-in MLCer, that trauma went on day after day after day.
We are trying to heal from a trauma while taking care of kids alone -- or, perhaps worse, with the MLCer -- while starting a new life while finding the self we had forgotten while trying to broker a deal with a crazy person while spending the last money we have on legal fees while trying to hold on to our vision of truth that had been gaslighted while trying to help our kids heal while going to court again and again and again while battling cancer or various other stress-related illnesses while hatching chicks or baking or looking at the trees in the moonlight or seeing friends or bike riding or seizing any joy we can in between the waves of terror or anguish while our in-laws throw us away like a worn out sneaker while the business we shared with the MLCer goes under or gets sold or we try to hold on to it or the house we loved gets foreclosed or we try to hold on to it while our kids ask us why or don't ask us anything but suffer silently or eat too much or shoplift or run away or refuse to go to school while we are beating ourselves up for not being able to keep a clear head when doing one or some or all of these things to stay afloat and live authentic lives and the only place we feel understood is an on-line forum where we can't even know each other's names let alone ever have a coffee together.
Every year I give up the boards for Lent, as well as some other things. And the first days are painful and disorienting. And then I learn to trust the silence and face my fears and sink to the bottom and look up at the light -- or as Sage said, Look up at where you want to go..... And I pray a lot -- and I pray for all of you. XO
Last edited by Gerda; 02/16/2102:16 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Couldn't have done it without ya, DnJ -- and the green cape. Stay tuned for the adventures of the never-installed heating system, post-Easter of course. ((DnJ))) and (((all y'all))))
Last edited by Gerda; 02/17/2105:24 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
In the early days, even if you find yourself lurking around these parts, you secretly believe that your situation is different. Your H or W is not like these other maniacs you read about on the boards. Your love was better, your marriage stronger, your spouse had a more solid core. You read about the trajectory these MLC stories took, but you do not believe that this will happen to you because of the many differences in your story, your spouse, you.
As a result, you don’t follow the advice you read about here. It is so drastic! And sometimes it’s so rude! It just isn’t Christian. It doesn’t look good for the children to see you ignore/cut off their dad/mom like that. You don’t want your in-laws to think badly of you. You don’t want to do something that would “ruin” the chance of restoration. You can see that some of the people posting here make a lot of mistakes and got themselves into second relationships that don’t sound good. You don’t want to separate your finances or lay claim to your house or your kids or squirrel away any of your savings because you don’t want a divorce, and those things are part of divorcing, not marriage. You don’t want to stop doing his laundry because it’s the only way you can show love. And you have read that this whole thing should only take about two years. You can do two years.
Listen to me.
It is not going to take two years.
And you have to separate your finances and get custody of your children right now. Before you even finish reading this.
Listen to me. I am speaking to you from your future. You can watch your own future play out if you read my posts from 2014 until now.
And I don’t mean your spouse won’t come out of this. I don’t mean your marriage won’t be restored. It might. And I hope it will.
But if you don’t step away, if you don’t separate all your finances, protect your children and protect your house, your spouse might damage things so badly that you won’t want him/her back and there won't be much to come back to.
If your husband was burning down the house, would you just stand there watching? Would you hand him a match? What if your kids were inside?
If your wife was shooting heroin at the kitchen table, would you let the kids watch?
The kindest thing you can do for your spouse right now is limit the amount of damage s/he can do to your house, your finances and your kids. If you want, tell him you’ll be waiting on the other side. If you want, tell her you’re not planning to “move on” but you have to protect the family until she can be part of decisions that are best for your kids.
But before you do that, take half of everything and put it somewhere he can’t touch. And start living a separate financial life and as much of a separate family life as you can.
Don’t notice what she’s doing with her half. You don’t want to know.
But keep records of anything that dissipates your asset or impacts your kids. Write the date each time. You might be doing it for a few years and you’ll forget if you don't write it down. You might need the records to prove something when he tries to take everything.
Was he great at fixing stuff around the house? Don't ask him for that anymore. Hire someone or watch a YT video and do it yourself. Is she an expert on health insurance and you need to know where to find someone? Call a broker. Don't call her. Are you afraid you'll get cheated at the auto mechanic? Call your brother to go with you. Or get cheated, it's okay to pay too much in order to avoid asking your spouse. Do your own laundry, take out your own trash, parent your kids and love them double to make up for how your spouse can’t love. Get to church/synagogue/temple/mosque. If you don't go, go anyway.
Stop thinking about what your spouse should do if he was a decent man or has to do if she is a real mother. They can’t and they won’t.
Does your spouse want to tell you about the OP? Don’t listen. Leave the room. Say, “That’s between you and God/the universe, do not speak about that to me.”
Did your spouse act nice today? Don’t read into it.
Want to share that pie? OK. Don’t want to share that pie? Don’t.
Feel like ironing his shirts? Don’t.
Do you miss him and just want to hear his voice? Have a dance party with your kids and blast the music at top volume.
Do you just want to tell her that one thing so that she’ll finally understand what she’s doing to you? She won’t hear you. She can't even see you, the actual you. Go mow your elderly neighbor’s lawn.
Do you want to finally say exactly what you are thinking and really make him understand? Go take a hike alone. Stand under some trees and scream what you wanted to say. Or write it all down and bury the letter in the backyard.
Want to hide in your room because he’s drunk and sleeping on the couch every night? Borrow $1000 from each of your cousins and offer him an advance on his equity to move out. Did he leave his stuff? Pack it up and put it in storage and pay the first two months and let him know he has two months to get it or lose it. Get some $5 oops paint from your local hardware store and some cool thrift store houseware finds and redo the living room the way you want it. Read that book on Swedish Death Cleaning and death clean your house. Plant a fruit tree out front. Pick blueberries with the kids and make them some blueberry pancakes and laugh and watch Malcolm in the Middle at the dinner table sometimes.
Own a business together? Sell it and start another. Or get another partner and buy him out.
Is she ready to sign a divorce agreement that seems reasonable to a lawyer you trust? Sign it. Quick.
Want him/her to come back? He might. He might not. Go and find a life. I don't mean to date. You don't have to. In fact, you probably shouldn't for quite a while. Focus on your kids. But hang out with friends whenever you can. Remember what you wanted to be before you met and work on that again. Or think of a new dream and get moving. If things get stable at home, become a foster parent or mentor a troubled teen or volunteer in a nursing home or a prison. Read about what's happening in a war-torn country or a refugee camp and do something about it. Go for bike rides everyday. Raise chickens. Write your novel. Take singing lessons. Start growing food. Make peace with your mom. Read all afternoon every afternoon. Bake pies. Learn a new language and start planning your trip to the plae where they speak it. Turn one of your bedrooms into an AirB. Turn your garden shed into a she shed.
Create meaning in your life. See how beautiful life is, what a miracle that you are here to live it.
Listen to me. I know you very well. I was you. Don't be me, don't follow my path. Just trust me. Do these things I am telling you even if you don't want to, even if you are sure I am wrong.
There will always be room for him in your life if he comes back and you’re still willing by then. Set up the boundaries you need to provide a good life for your children with or without her. Protect what you two built. He is a forest fire. She is a tsunami. They will destroy anything in their path for a while. Protect it all so that if he wakes up, if she finally faces her wound, there will be something left to return to. And if he doesn’t, if she doesn’t, you’ll already be living, my dear, you'll already be living!
Last edited by Gerda; 04/24/2105:34 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
A great posting and every new poster should read it. Wise words that have been stated over and over again by all of us. Unfortunately, no matter how many times we state them, each and every poster has to go through some of trauma in order to get to the other side and protect themselves. At first, new posters may think we are holding grudges and want to get even, however, as they travel the path, they will eventually understand more and more of why we advise them to do certain things.
Each person's path is different, they timeline is different, but at the end of their respective days, they will eventually see more clearly and have a better understanding of the advice that we give here.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
An eloquent post. A wise post. Such hard earned wisdom.
Yes, the tsunami will destroy anything in its path; best to protect one’s self and family, and stand clear as much as possible. And of course - be alive. Live full. Wittiness the blessings and miracles that surround us.
Healing takes time. For our spouse and for us. Our paths will falter, it’s how wisdom is gained. Dusting off, standing back up, and continuing forward is how wisdom is earned.
2014 to present. I will acknowledge the cautionary side of your tale, as you have illustrated. Please see the inspirational side of your tale as well, as I see it to be. What you have been through, the knowledge gained and shared, the adversity overcome, and the person you’ve become. No small feat. A worthy path my dear friend. Very worth the time invested!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Such a beautiful, honest, empathetic and hopeful post, Gerda! I imagine I would have read it differently depending on where I was in my journey of the last two years, but each time I would take something different from it. I used to want to rush to action or understanding or acceptance, but really I’ve just had to trust the stories and advice here and have faith that it all happens in time. One foot in front of the other, guided by values and not feelings if possible, and it will all come. And while you’ve been away I’ve been writing every weekend, have been curious to see the latest transformation my novel has undergone since I’ve been away from it for two years. In that time it has evolved too. I hope you’ve had a good break!
Completely agree with it all Gerda!! Thanks for taking the time to write it. I was that person you describe but lucky for me, tried really hard to follow the advice of the people on here...even though I wasn’t always the best at it. It’s been two and a half years since BD and I have grown so much. I can barely remember the heartbroken, panic stricken person that I was back then. I am in a good place and working on living my best life. I wouldn’t go back even if I could. I didn’t save my marriage but I absolutely saved myself. Thanks to you and the other people on here who have stuck around to pass on their experiences and the kind of wisdom that only comes from having been there themselves. Much love to you!! Hope your situation has gotten better. (((HUGS)))
