Hi Wolfman. Sorry you are going through this. I wouldn’t take your ex’s use of the word “terrified” to heart. Even if that is what your D said, I doubt she meant she was terrified of you. Rather, she was terrified of the potential confrontation that could ensue if you had attended the home and tried to force the issue. That likely started when you tried to call her once she had told you what she wanted via text. If I told someone via text that I didn’t want to spend time with them and they immediately called me, my assumption would definitely be that they were wanting to challenge me on it. This is a 13 year-old girl. She does not have great communication skills. And many kids that age LOATHE talking on the phone. Assuming she told you when she was texting you that she didn’t want to go, that would be the perfect opportunity to say to her the things we have been suggesting... “I’m disappointed because I miss you. I hope you change your mind and you know you can always text me if you do. No pressure...I would just like to work on having a good relationship with you regardless of where you live. And...by the way...I will be coming by to get your brother but I will honour your wishes in wanting to stay at your mom’s. Love you lots.” That’s all you need to do. It’s not fair. It’s not what you want BUT it is what she wants...right now. Regardless of what role your ex is playing in that, it is still what she wants and you need to respect that. What other choice do you have? You can’t forcefully drag her out of the house. You can’t control what your ex says or does. All you can do is control you. Spend time with your son, be a good dad to him and keep the door open with your daughter. Pretty soon her idea of you will shift because it will become more and more incongruent with what she observes. I know this is an awful situation Wolfman. Stay the course. It will shift over time. Maybe once the new baby is here she will want to spend time with him/her and you will have a natural “in” with her. Stay the course. You will make it through.
BTW...regarding fighting in court. I think you should definitely ask for 50% custody and guardianship... I’m assuming that is what you are fighting for? If it is about forcing your D to go with you, though, that would be a waste of time, in my opinion. Once a kid hits teenage years, that horse if out of the barn and galloping down the road. You can have all of the orders you want, kids still vote with their feet. Work on your relationship with her in whatever way you can. Trying to force anything will only make you the “problem” in her eyes and she won’t have to look at her mom’s behaviour or her own. Don’t be the problem. (((HUGS)))
I am supposed to have my d for the weekend. How do I go about approaching this.
Send her this text:
"Hi Daughter, having a good relationship with you is important to me. I know that there are many things that have gotten in the way of that. I would like to change the way we interact to make our relationship better. I would like to suggest that just you and I go to lunch alone this weekend so we can talk. Would you be open to that? If so, where would you like to go?"
Hopefully she responds. If she responds, that is good, communication via texting is working. If she agrees to go, that is even better. You can go and practice your listening skills.
If she declines, you can practice your validation and empathy skills.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I pulled up and said what’s going on? I am supposed to pick up my d. She said she left work early because my d was terrified I was coming to pick her up. said I was trying to call my d. Ex’s response was she text you. I said I know but I would have liked to talk to her on the phone. Ex response was why? If you were texting her. My d said nothing.
If you're going to call your lawyer for an emergency hearing to fight your XW in court. There's no need to continue talking to XW after establishing she's violating the custody agreement. If I understood correctly, this is the first time you've seen your D in two weeks. Wouldn't this be a great time to talk to her directly for a few minutes?
I tried to talk to my daughter. She would not answer her phone. She is text her I asked to at least speak to her on the phone and she refused. I believe it was because of her mom. I will explain why. She came out of the garage and then pulled up next to me I said, d I have would have liked to speak with you on the phone. Her mom replied to can just speak to her through text. Otherwise if she was “promoting” the relationship she would have said d you need to speak with your father on the phone.
Dawn I hear a lot of what you are saying. I will be fighting this in court, again. This time with a new lawyer.
Dejavu this line : I’m disappointed because I miss you. I hope you change your mind and you know you can always text me if you do. No pressure...I would just like to work on having a good relationship with you regardless of where you live. And...by the way...I will be coming by to get your brother but I will honour your wishes in wanting to stay at your mom’s. Love you lots. I really like and will definitely use. Thank you. It’s funny I really try to think when these situations come up what would the people on here do or say. In court I am just trying to get residential custody. We are have 50/50, well did. Lol. I don’t get to see my d anymore just my son. These last 2 years have truly been the most difficult years of my life.
Ready2change. That sounds good. I like that line too. I definitely will try that. Let you all know how this all plays out. Thank you everyone.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I understand that you want to speak to your daughter, but if she is reluctant to do so, why not just text? Isn't some form of communication better than none? DV and R2C both gave you some very specific things to say via text which are great and I'm sure you could come up with other things too. Pushing her to speak on the phone and repeatedly telling her that is what you want when she clearly isn't responding to that particular mode of communication is serving no purpose other than to push your daughter further away because you are not respecting her boundary.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Be careful, though, with the texts. Anything you text to her , your ex might see. Anything you say to her your ex won't necessarily hear. So make sure EVERYTHING you text to your daughter is going to look good in court should you need it to.
Hi Wolf, much advice already shared, so I'm just sending you support just now. It can be hard to re-wire our normal ways of interacting with ex's and children. I believe in your ability to get there. My own relationship with my children was.. strained.. for a while as a result of my ex-GF and her kids' 6-months stay at my home.
(((Wolf))). So sorry you are going through this. I echo what KML warned you about. Texts last forever and you have no control over who sees them once they leave your phone so be careful what you write. Also...don’t get caught up in the reasons for your daughter’s stance at the moment. In terms of preserving your relationship with her, it doesn’t matter if it is your ex or the milkman. The result is the same if you try to force her. She will just see it as not respecting her boundary. Remember...feelings change. It is this way right now. It will not always be this way if you don’t add fuel to the fire.
RE: custody. I think this is a concept that really only applies when the kids are little and don’t have a lot of choice in the matter. However, after a certain age, it doesn’t matter if you have custody or not, the youth will eventually live where they want to live. You can fight it if you want and you may win the battle but ultimately, you will lose the war because your relationship will suffer. The best thing for you to do is keep the door open by initiating low-pressure contact on a regular basis (even if it is just sending an emoji with “thinking of you”or sending a joke). You want to keep the connection without it always being so emotional. Just a “hiya..what’s up?” I fully believe she will eventually come around. Best of luck Wolf!!!
Thank you everyone. On Friday I went to pick up my d from her moms home. When I pulled up the bf and her uncle were there again, I guess to “protect” her. Anyway, I text this to my d on Friday: I’m disappointed because I miss you. I hope you change your mind and you know you can always text me if you do. No pressure...I would just like to work on having a good relationship with you regardless. Love you babydoll. No response. I also emailed the mom that I am supposed to have the kids for the weekend and asked her what she thought. No response. In a separate email asked her to have my d respond to my text. No response. This is co-parenting? Her mom is telling her also to respond to me. I am only trying to text. I just ask her about her day and say I love her and miss her at the end. I am very careful what I put in writing. This is so hard and hurtful. I only feel comfortable her saying this. I spoke with my d therapist this weekend too. She told me something that I was shocked. She said my d told her that she is now very angry with her mom for the divorce and said to her mom why couldn’t she have just worked things out with me. My poor d is so confused. Right now I just want her to know I love her so much and miss her!!! The therapist said to me that my d is definitely “parroting” what her mother says about me. With the therapist saying that I guess things must not be good over there either. I know will disagree with this because it is speculation, but this is just how I feel. My d is an emotional prisoner over there. My d had a dance competition this Friday. I kinda went incognito this way I could watch. I have never missed anything for my kids. If I had to leave work or early or miss I did for them. I wasn’t about to miss this. Of course my ex and d never told me there was one. Thank god I got a last minute email from the studio about the comp. Anyway I sat in the back by myself and watched, I was so proud of her!!! After her last dance I got up to walk out as I was leaving my ex saw me. I was walking down the hotel hallway and at the end of the hallway there is this big mirror. Well in the mirror I see her standing in the hallway recording me as I walk away. Either way I know my ex will put a negative spin on it. If I didn’t go, daddy doesn’t care and even come see you dance. Being there I am bothering her, even though I just kept to myself. Ugh.
The new lawyer I reached out to hasn’t got back to me. I am going to have to try some other lawyers. See what happens. Looking forward to everyone’s response.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I’m disappointed because I miss you. I hope you change your mind and you know you can always text me if you do. No pressure...I would just like to work on having a good relationship with you regardless of where you live. And...by the way...I will be coming by to get your brother but I will honour your wishes in wanting to stay at your mom’s. Love you lots.
Originally Posted by Wolf
I’m disappointed because I miss you. I hope you change your mind and you know you can always text me if you do. No pressure...I would just like to work on having a good relationship with you regardless. Love you babydoll. No response.
I noticed you took Deja's text but removed "regardless of where you live" and "honour your wishes to stay at your mom's." I'm curious, why did you remove the bit about honoring her boundaries? I wouldn't have asked if you sent a message entirely in your own words, but given the message is so close, the removal likely has meaning.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
When I pulled up the bf and her uncle were there again, I guess to “protect” her.
Makes sense given your tense interactions. What did you do?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I also emailed the mom that I am supposed to have the kids for the weekend and asked her what she thought. No response. In a separate email asked her to have my d respond to my text.
Documenting the lack of visitation makes sense. I assume this is what your lawyer recommended.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
The new lawyer I reached out to hasn’t got back to me. I am going to have to try some other lawyers. See what happens. Looking forward to everyone’s response.
Yay for seeking good legal representation.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Anyway I sat in the back by myself and watched, I was so proud of her!!! After her last dance I got up to walk out as I was leaving my ex saw me. I was walking down the hotel hallway and at the end of the hallway there is this big mirror. Well in the mirror I see her standing in the hallway recording me as I walk away.
I understand XW's behavior--she's documenting you just as you're documenting her. I don't understand your sneaking into the event. Did D ask you not to attend her competitions or dance? If no, why hide from D? If yes, why ignore her boundaries? If you're unashamed of your behavior, then being recorded is fine!
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Either way I know my ex will put a negative spin on it. If I didn’t go, daddy doesn’t care and even come see you dance. Being there I am bothering her, even though I just kept to myself. Ugh.
Again, focus on D. Your assumption could be right or could be wrong. What you control is how you show up to D. If D enjoyed you being there, XW telling her afterwards "He bothered you!!" wouldn't make it true.
