You know, I had a lot to say then I read LH's post and thought, yep, that sums it up nicely.
Your son is 10. TEN. Your gf is, presumably, an adult. I get that she is pregnant and working and all, but the onus is on her (and you) to play the adult roles, not to expect a 10 year old to "get it". Listen, man, being a step-parent is HARD. It just is, even in the best of circumstances, and I don't think it is a big secret to anyone that you are definitely not in the best of circumstances. I have never had children of my own, but I have 5 stepdaughters. 3 are the daughters of my XH and his 1st XW. Those daughters are all adults now, but I have been a part of their life since they were 12, 14, and 16 (they are now 28, 30, and 32). I was lucky that the girls took to me easily and early on and we have a fantastic relationship, but it was WORK. It still is work. You can't just expect to d your XW, get a new girlfriend who is 9 months pregnant, so has been pregnant since early in your relationship, and expect your kids to just go "ok, cool, we're down". That isn't how kids work. To top it off, your own description of your gf makes her sound immature and not well-equipped to handle being a step-parent. Why should she keep trying with your s when he shoots her down and that upsets her and she doesn't want to be upset when she's pregnant? She keeps trying because she is the adult and she realizes that maybe it isn't about her personally, but is about the situation as a whole. Of course she doesn't want to be upset when she's pregnant...no one wants that for her. But, good Lord, man....your whole situation seems like a huge clusterf@#k and you seem to just narrate everything.
As far as the police showing up, maybe I'm naive or I was just lucky in my own D proceedings that it was very amicable, but you seem to blame your XW for everything or say she is always up to stuff, but it seems to me that you must be giving her some sort of ammunition or cops and lawyers would just blow her off. Again, I may just be naive since I didn't experience an acrimonious divorce so if that is the case, I apolgize, but you have to focus on your own side of the street and quit worrying/speculating what your XW is doing. You can't control that, so you are wasting your time and energy working yourself up about something you can do absolutely nothing about.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Stepparenting is harder than parenting...it is even harder when the ex spouse has a campaign of hate against the other parent and their partner. Same advice applies to your gf as it does to you...
Your kids’ entire world has been turned upside down and your gf is wondering if she should keep trying because your son doesn’t acknowledge her presence the way she would like him to? WTF??? She needs to step up, put her big girl pants on and do the work with your kids to earn their affection and respect. So...yes, she keeps trying. These are children and they are YOUR children. You are a package deal and this is what she signed up for. She needs to be consistent in her actions and her words. She should understand that this is an extremely difficult adjustment for them and they are fully caught in the middle. They love both their parents and they likely feel disloyal to their mom when they interact with your gf in a positive way. They don’t have the emotional or mental maturity yet to be able to understand the big picture. If I were her, I would ignore the small little slights or signs of rudeness and only address the big ones... in a kind and firm way. “I would really like us to be friends but I know things are hard for you right now so you may not feel the same way right now. That’s okay. I’d probably feel the same way if I were you so I get it. But if we are going to be sharing the same home, I think it is important we treat each other with respect and kindness so this is a pleasant and peaceful home. Do you think that is something you can work on with me?” Then, when he does something that is in opposition to that goal, she can say...”Hey...remember when we agreed to try to treat each other with kindness and respect. What you just said (or did) doesn’t feel like you are doing that.” And...when he does acknowledge her or does something she likes, she should bring it to his attention. “Hey S. Thanks for.... it’s really helping us get to our goal of a pleasant and peaceful home.” Focus on rewarding the behaviour you want to see and ignoring the behaviour you don’t want to see.
CW... You cannot expect or force your children to care about your girlfriend just because you do. She has to establish and work on that relationship herself. The more you interfere and try to force it, the more they will resent her. Rather than demand that your son say hello or goodbye, you take him aside and you say, “Hey. I notice that when gf says hello or goodbye, you don’t respond. Not responding to someone when they greet you or say goodbye is pretty rude behaviour and you’re not a rude person so what’s going on?” And then listen. If he tells you a bunch of things, validate his feelings and then let him know your expectation is that he work on being a polite and respectful person towards everyone...not just gf.
Remember...this is a situation that has been forced on your children. They did not get a say in any of it and they have to adjust. Unfortunately not all of the adults in their life are working towards helping them do that in a healthy way so it is 1000 times harder on them. Imagine if someone removed one of your children from the home and replaced them with another kid and then told you that you need to accept it and love that kid like family. That is what it feels like to them. And to make things even more confusing, now there is also another child on the way who is going to live with their dad full time. Is he going to love that child more than them? They may also feel abandoned by you when they are home with their angry mom who cannot be a fun person to live with. This is a HUGE transition for them CW. That cannot be overemphasized. It is going to take time and a heck of a lot of work on the part of the adults in their lives to get them back on track.
You sound like you are in crisis. You need to find the calm to take enlightened actions instead of emotional ones to work towards your relationship with D and maintain your relationship with your S. If you not already in IC I strongly recommend it. If I were in your shoes I'd need as much emotional support as I could get to stay calm.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Well I just got wind that she filed an order of protection for going to the dance competition and texting my d. I can’t take this anymore.
Wolf, that's a kick to the nether regions. What I would do--what I think most of us would do--is call our attorney and $500 (ugh!) and a few days later it's thrown out as there's no meat behind it. The court is not impressed by false or exaggerated claims. There may be some prejudice added against her. I feel good when I talk to my attorney because they always outline how they'll zap unreasonable terms then proceed to do exactly that. If there's some "context" we don't know that changes the situation for you please speak up so we know what we're dealing with.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I talk to her that she needs to be as consistent as possible. But she says why should she keep trying when he keeps shooting her down and that upsets her. And she doesn’t want to feel stressed or upset while she is pregnant. I said to my s you know gf loves you and loves being with you? He shook his head no. She grabbed his arms and put them around her.
You told her what she NEEDS to do, huh? Careful, that has a controlling vibe to it.
She doesn't sound like step-parent material. I had two ex-girlfriends who tried to bond with my kids. The first kept going through many micro-rejections and eventually my D wanted to spend 1:1 time with her. The second gave up within months because my D barely responded to her. Your GF sounds to be in the second camp.
I tried to force "Happy Family"--it sounds like you're on that path. Can you accept your GF may not love your S like her flesh and blood and doesn't want to go to the trouble of bonding with him? She's telling you she doesn't. Does that work for you or not? Can you accept your S doesn't love your GF? He's telling you he doesn't. Your expectations may be adding tension to an already tense situation. I know mine did. Been there, done that.
If my son told me an OM had grabbed my son's arms and forced a hug.. I would have a strong protective parental reaction to that. I teach my kids they control who touches them and how. Watch boundaries.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
she is stepping up the hatred and anger towards us. Honestly I am confused on what to do.
Focus on what you control--e.g., calling a lawyer to knock down the protective order pronto (unless there's meat to it, then let us know), defending your son's boundaries, allowing GF and S to be themselves.
Ugh...I missed that part about gf grabbing his arms and putting them around her. That is NOT okay. I have jokingly done that with my daughter before but we have a really strong relationship and I knew she was putting on an act. Your son and your gf do not have the kind of relationship. Maybe they were on the way there at one point but right now, that is not the case. She is your gf but not yet a stepmother. In my opinion, that position has to be earned over time. I agree with CW...you need to protect your son’s boundaries.
Maybe too, since GF is so tired anyway, you should spend more of your visit with son out doing fun stuff together. I don't usually recommend Disney dad stuff, but maybe the more your D hears of S having a good time and not being forced to interact with GF, the better.
Also - re: GF and her long work hours. Consider the possibility that she is saving up for a possible exit in the future. Seems like this happened after you shot down her dreams of being a SAHM. If that's the case, it might also be why she's not making as much effort with S - she might feel like it's moot if your relationship isn't going to last.
Outside of reversing that order of protection and fighting for 50/50 custody, personally, I’d work on de-escalating every r you have right now; simplifying everything in an attempt to create moments that are more positive than negative, or at least neutral.
For d that means even if you get 50/50 you don’t pursue her, call cops to get her if she won’t come, etc. Instead send her cute videos on Instagram (if you are linked to her there) or text. As KML said, she’s a teen, so this is how to reach her. I’d say take a break from discussing the r. Know that all those convos can be used in court and pressuring is not viewed well by judges. Lighten it all because right now she is bonded to her mom. And there is just way too much going on in these kids’ lives from both you and your ex.
For your s that means time alone with him without gf, lots of time alone without her. And hopefully that gets back to d so that she learns she and her brother are a priority outside of this new life that’s been thrown at them.
I suspect this time alone may bother gf. But it is better for you all plus her and her new baby if the house is in better order and hopefully see realizes that.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
A lot of great advice here. Definitely a big mess. I am trying to balance all of this. This might be a long post since I will try to address everyone.
LH- you are right, things happened fast. I did not Intend for that to happen, but it did. I know I have made mistakes and I am trying to balance it back. Honestly, this is one of the biggest reasons I did not want d from the beginning, the KIDS. I was willing to suck it up for them. It didn’t work, fine. I moved on and yes I missed some of the red flags. But I am here and trying my best to make everyone happy. Probably biggest mistake.
Dawn - I am working hard on trying to be the adult. You said it yourself, the kids took to you easily. I am sure there were tough times, but it has been extremely difficult since day 1 especially with my d. Look I know you say take the focus off the ex, but when she deliberately tried to sabotage my relationship with my kids it’s hard. Not speculation COPD hard facts of things she has said to my kids and admitted in front of the therapist. Trust me I hear you loud and clear I can only focus on what I can control, but I am also doing damage control. When I start to make gains she takes another step to ruin it.
Dejavu - I continue to talk to my gf about the relationship. It’s a work in progress. I agree that she doesn’t get it that they won’t just like her in a month or 2 or 3. But she thought that. Maybe bad use she is young, maybe her expectations were high, she also feels like she hasn’t done anything wrong so why should they dislike her. These are things I talk to her about. It’s not about her, it’s about what she represents. I am also confused. Some of you are saying to not force it, some are saying just spend time with my s, then how do I bring them together? I am at a loss.
Kml - I did hire an new attorney and he looked at it and said it was nothing for me to worry about. Made me feel a little better.
CW warrior - That is exactly what I am trying to do, force “happy family”. I don’t know what else to do. I am constantly trying to talk to both and bring them together. You asked me this: Can you accept your GF may not love your S like her flesh and blood and doesn't want to go to the trouble of bonding with him? She's telling you she doesn't. Does that work for you or not? I can’t accept that. And it’s going to be an issue for me. I am trying to be patient because my situation has been extremely difficult.
HaWho - I can’t communicate with d. My ex put that in the order. My s and I do a lot of things together. Couple of weeks ago him and I went upstate with some friends and gf stayed home. She wanted me to have some bonding time with my s. It was great. She has no problem everyday when I am with my s.
More to come. Crazy last night. Real quick, order says I can’t see or communicate with d. I also now have CPS coming to my home and ex wants exchange of s to be done at precinct.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
First of all...your ex sounds like a crazy person. So sorry you are going through this. Focus on S and keep the door open with your D. Everything you do and/or say will get back to your D (and our ex unfortunately) so be careful. Don’t bad mouth your ex in his presence. Don’t make him a go between with your daughter. That will put too much pressure on him and he will feel like he has to fix things which will blow back on him when he is with mom.
RE: your question to me. How do you bring them together? The answer is... YOU don’t. That is up to your gf. There are lots of books and YouTube videos on stepparenting. Since she is resting most of the time anyway, maybe she should start educating herself. It will help with parenting her own child as well.
I became my SD21’s stepmother when she was seven. Her mom was an extremely controlling emotionally unstable person...still is. So SD’s loyalties were REALLY tested. I did not try to force anything with her. I was just a consistent presence in the home... welcoming (made a point of greeting her and saying how happy I was that she was there even if I wasn’t feeling that way), kind and calm and when she was struggling with loyalty issues, I didn’t make it about me. It wasn’t easy. There were a lot of ups and downs and I was the main person dealing with her mom. I had to work extra hard to not let my challenges with her mom bleed into my relationship with her. To be honest... there were some days I didn’t want her in the home because of her mom and the stress she caused. SD never knew that and she never will.
Luckily, I was not a parent when she first came into my life so we did get some concentrated time together with either just her and me or the three of us. Be forewarned though...when your gf has her baby, she is going to experience the kind of love that occurs when you bring a life into this world. I love my SD21 a lot...but it pales in comparison to the love I have for my own kids. I was almost 40 when they were born so mature enough not to let that show. I’m not sure your gf has the maturity to do the same but I will cross my fingers for you. As an aside, because of my role as stepparent, when SD21 was in full rebellion phase, I handled it much better than her mom did (because her actions didn’t feel like a personal rejection which often happens with your own kids) so I became a confidante (sometimes she told me TOO much) and someone she could turn to for advice when she needed it. That relationship endures to this day even though her dad and I have divorced.
Anyway...hang in there. This isn’t going to last forever. Focus on what you can control. You can do this. (((HUGS)))
Also...don’t forget. When you push someone, the most natural response is for them to push back. The more you try to force a family, the less likely it is that it will happen.
