It was MLC. Now I am calling moving forward.

[Dawn70]

I absolutely could not agree more with what DV said. Yes, I said my stepchildren took to me easily, but it was because I behaved EXACTLY as DV described her behavior with her SD. I was open, warm, welcoming, NOT fake, but I didn't push them to try to get them to hug me or love me or anything on my schedule, but was open to them and let them come to me. It happened with all 3 over time, but 2 quicker than the 3rd. While I said it happened in my family, I NEVER said it was easy. In fact, I said it was work. And it was. And it will be for your gf as well. My overall point was that you and your gf have to be the adults and lead by example and your gf has to learn that it isn't necessarily about her. She has to continue to try and interact with son, but not force the issue if he doesn't come around immediately. Everyone, including you, seems to realize it is far from an ideal situation, but you can't expect your d and s to be the adults and just get it and fall right in line with this being their new normal now. You and gf, as the adults, have to work on respecting boundaries, but making sure s and d feel loved and valued. It may be awhile before they really settle in and are ok with things...NO ONE can predict that.

I get what you are saying about it is hard to take focus off the ex when she keeps sabotaging (your words, not mine), but that is precisely why it is necessary that you do so. You keep reiterating that you have proof and hard facts of her sabotage and I just don't get why you aren't presenting that proof and "hard facts" to your lawyer and let them sort it out.

Lots of folks have given you great advice here. Step back, take a breath, and stop trying to make everyone happy. It isn't going to happen. Focus on your s and spending time with him and showing him he's loved, valued. Your gf has to learn to get over herself and communicate with your son, but you can't force that. You said that some people are telling you not to force it, but some are telling you to force it. Listen to me, Wolf, NO ONE on this board has told you to force a relationship with your gf and your son. Not one single person has said that and if you are interpreting someone's advice as that, you are flat wrong. You CAN'T force a relationship, force a happy family. It will come naturally or it won't. These things take TIME and you seem to want to just flip it on like a light switch.

CW asked you if you could accept that your gf wouldn't accept your son as her own and you said you couldn't accept it, but I agree with his assessment that is what she is telling you through her actions. I love my stepdaughters as through I carried them and gave birth to them myself, but it has been WORK and lots of discussions and compromises along the way and it didn't happen overnight. I won't speak for DV, as it isn't my place, but I suspect she would say something similar in regards to her SD that she has a close bond with.

As far as X wanting exchange of S done at police station, while that sounds like a terrible thing, IS it? I mean, not the greatest for your S, for sure, but at least there, you would have witnesses to her crazy. She'd either act right or act crazy in front of a bunch of cops. So, again, not ideal for your S, but maybe the best thing for you, because as you keep talking about her sabotaging and what she says to the kids, wouldn't it be worse if all that takes place at her house where she can say whatever she d@mn well pleases and then accuse you of saying and doing stuff that never even happened because it is her word against yours? She just sounds like a ticking time bomb to me and I somehow doubt that you have the ability to handle her completely with the kid gloves that are required in this situation, so maybe exchanging at the police station, at least for the near future, might be a blessing in disguise.

[Traveler]

Hi Wolfman, I fully endorse the posts above. Sending you good thoughts. ((Hugs))

[Ready2Change]

I also now have CPS coming to my home and ex wants exchange of s to be done at precinct.

This is a good thing. Do not resist it. Embrace it. It should help shine light on the truth.

Exchanges of S should go smoother. Make sure you are there early EVERY TIME. Document EVERY TIME X is late (You do have a notebook you are keeping records in correct?)

[kml]

I'd be REALLY curious to know what ex is actually accusing you of??? Pretty sure CPS will come and scratch their heads.

[DejaVu6]

I’ve worked as a social worker with CPS (here in Canada). When someone alleges abuse, we HAVE to investigate it...whether we think it is legit or not. Here’s the thing Wolfman...we’re not idiots. We deal with CRAZY all day long every day...we know what it looks like. Your job is to stay calm, cooperate without being defensive and speak your truth. They will sort it out. R2C is right. It’s a good thing.

RE: my bond with my SD. It has definitely happened over time with a lot of work and concerted effort to treat her in the same way I treat my biological children. My test for dealing with my SD21 in any situation was always this... if D13 was asking for or needing this, would it be an issue? If the answer is “no”, then I would act exactly as I would if it was D13 even if I didn’t necessarily want to. For example... my SD21’s request for financial help. Technically not my place as I am divorced from her dad and she has a mom. But...I committed to her when I married her dad and that commitment didn’t end just because my marriage did.

I absolutely do love my SD21 and if I hadn’t had kids of my own, I would tell you I love her exactly as if she were my own. Having had my own, however, I recognize there is a difference and it is difficult to understand the subtleties of that difference if you haven’t been both. That is not a value judgment though. That subtle difference is actually what makes my relationship with SD21 unique and is exactly why our bond is so strong today.

When it is your own kids, and you are not self aware, every move they make has the potential to send you into a stratosphere of panic that far exceeds your ability to maintain the kind of calm that many situations require. This is where SD21’s relationship fell down with her mom. Her mom could not step back enough from her mother panic to be the kind of steady force her daughter needed her to be. I actually found it quite easy because my level of worry and concern is just one level down from the level it is at with my own kids. In this situation, it has been exactly what SD21 needs. She has a mom and I will never replace her nor would I want to. She doesn’t need another mom. She needs a strong and steady stepmom and it has been my honour to be that for her. Anyway...that was a bit of an aside. My point is that if your gf can weather the storms and just be a steady presence, she, too, can enjoy a good relationship with your kids and it will be a unique one that only she can have...if she stays the course. Best of luck!!!

[Traveler]

Wolf, fingers crossed this day's been a calmer one for you.

[Ready2Change]

I am here and trying my best to make everyone happy. Probably biggest mistake.

YUP.

Not your job to make others happy. The only person's happiness that is under your control is YOU. Everyone else, well just recognize their emotional state. Best you can do is empathize and relate. Their emotional state will continually change and should not effect yours. Your X's, your D's, your S's, your GF's. The guy flipping you off in traffic. Let them own their emotions.

I see to many people saying "Don't be sad"...would be much better to say "Looks like you are sad..is that how you feel?" (or angry, or mad or happy, or one of the other emotional words in your vocabulary). Every interaction you have with someone, make it about them and how they feel. Everything changes when you do that.



I could practice my empathy and validation skills with you, but I believe you have asked us for feedback, so I give my 2 cents to help you change your behavior.

[Wolfman]

Thank you everyone for the tips and your input. It really helps me get through this tough time. It’s really terrible what me ex is doing to my children. So first drop off was a night mare. She pulled up just as we pulled up. So we parked behind her like we always do. S gets out of my car and get into hers. This will be a little hard to explain through text but I will try. There is a small little drive way into the parking lot. Use thang driveway to go in to it and out. So, she pulled ahead pulled into a spot to turn around. We were going to wait for her to leave for us to pull up into a parking spot to turn after her. There are only 5 spots. She pulls into the spot and then just stops. So her car is facing me so it looks like this
“T” not that close of course there is 30 feet of grass between us. We are the top part of the T and she is the bottom. So she is sitting in her car after about a minute, she gets out rips my son out of the back seat and walks into the police station. So way back my lawyer said to always have my gf with me as a witness. So she asks me, what is she doing. I said probably going to complain that we are sitting here waiting for her to go. So, my gf goes in to see what is going on and sure enough she is telling the cop that we are harassing her by sitting in the car that I am violating the order of protection. The cop says how is he violating, he is sitting in the car. She replied he should leave first and him sitting there is harassing her. The cop said why does he have to leave first, you can leave first. Then she tells him well they are going to follow us. My gf simply said officer we live in the same area. Well this went on for about 5 more minutes trying to tell the cop I am inviolation and they need to do something. The cops said aren’t you the one who wanted to do drop offs here. She said yeah so it would be less stressful for her and my s. The officer replied, I want to be honest, doing drop offs at the police station is more stressful for the kids than at a home. So she stormed out with my s. The cop told us last night that, she called the police station and spoke to the chief that the cops were disrespectful are mean to her. She actually complained to the chief about how they spoke to her. Look everyone I just truly want to say, something has snapped inside of this woman, I don’t know what but something is seriously wrong. The thing is, I am so concerned for my s having to witness that. She tried to get me arrested in front of my s for simply waiting for her to leave. Last night she brought her bf and he went in to complain about how they treated her. My gf recorded everything.

The CPS visit went well. I know I am a good father. I explained why she filed the order of protection. That she is just trying to get at me because I moved on. I showed her the text messages between my d and I were all I am saying is I miss her and love her. She said that’s what she is stating as harassment? I said yes. As far as the ex saying I harassed her. I showed her the emails about me communicating with her about my kids. And how she doesn’t respond to most of my emails. I said once again her is my evidence against her lies. She then asked there is an email service that you can use that the courts recommend. I said that is how I communicate with her, that’s how I email her. She said ok. I showed her pictures with my kids all the activities we have done and how my d is always a smiling. All the things my gf has done with my s. Videos of my d dancing in my home. There is a lot more but not to make this too long, I will leave it at that. The woman says your kids always look happy, and she said you do a lot of things with them. I said absolutely. I also called the hotel and dance comp because she stated that she had to be escorted out by security. When that happens there are records of that. Well both places said no security was ever called. As far as you “disguise” I wore a baseball hat and I showed her which one and told her she recorded me so she can see that’s all I had besides the mask. The woman said this is very helpful. I told her I am so sorry that she is wasting her time. But I feel that this will only help me when I re-file against her.
Question did any of you able to ever get your ex psychologically evaluated, if so, how? She is completely gone. There is a lot her. I cut pieces out and shorted it but I gave you all the most import parts. I am trying so hard to keep it together. I am petrified she is going to make up another lie just to get me arrested.

[Wolfman]

I
I get what you are saying about it is hard to take focus off the ex when she keeps sabotaging (your words, not mine), but that is precisely why it is necessary that you do so. You keep reiterating that you have proof and hard facts of her sabotage and I just don't get why you aren't presenting that proof and "hard facts" to your lawyer and let them sort it out.

I had all the hard facts for my first lawyer. But like I said, he dropped the ball. That’s why I have a new lawyer and I have a meeting with him on Monday to go over everything.

I'd be REALLY curious to know what ex is actually accusing you of??? Pretty sure CPS will come and scratch their heads.

That I was harassing her when I showed up I front of her house to pick up my d. I was following my divorce agreement which I have been doing all year. That I was harassing my d with texts. My text were I miss you and love you texts. But accusing me that that’s harassing. Harassing her with emails. My emails are questions about the kids, strictly about the kids. All completely outlandish that I can disprove.

Dejavu I really CPS coming to my house will help. To see everything and I showed her a lot of the facts. Text messages, emails and photos of me with the kids. Many many photos!!!

Wolf, fingers crossed this day's been a calmer one for you.

It was until the exchange again at the police station. This time the cop from the night before was standing in the road before I got there. Said don’t even go near her they are on a war path. Ex and bf. He said for me to just give him my s and he will walk him over to the car. Afterwards that’s when he told us , she called the chief on them, bf went in and had words with them. I am seriously concerned for my children’s well being. I just feel completely horrible!!

R2C thanks for the advice I will try that approach. Let me tell you I know I have made plenty of mistakes but this forum has really helped me. The way I approach situations and how to speak and validate. That’s why I love it here, the support and the education.

What a disaster this turned into. I just want to take all this pain away from my kids. I certainly never wanted this. And this was one of my biggest concerns, how this would be for my kids. The cop also said record everything whenever she is around. So last night when we parked and the cop was coming over to get my s, I took my phone out to record. My s said don’t record. I told him, I understand this is hard, but the cop said daddy should. He said don’t record mom, she is perfect. Ugh. If he only truly understood that she tried to have me arrested in front of him for simply sitting in the car. My gr said isn’t daddy perfect too? And he said yeah. Then the cop came and walked him over.

[kml]

Couple of questions:
1) Has your ex ever had a problem with drugs or alcohol? Is there mental illness in her family?

2) What is up with her boyfriend? Is he just some gullible dude who believes her pack of lies, or is he whack also???