I understand this will protect me. But is it really good for my s to be going through this?
This is not about protecting you. This is about protecting your relationship with your children. Your interactions with their mother is toxic. If the exchange happens in public with witnesses and you are not throwing fuel on the fire, then the exchanges should be much better than they have been in the past, and YES it is better for your S.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
My d is so brainwashed she wants nothing to do with me.
Boy Wolf you are sure always the victim. I would love to give you the benefit of the doubt but I just can't get myself to do it. I think about my daughter who is 12. My exw could say just about anything in the world to her about me and it wouldn't change her view of me. Why? Because of how she feels when she is with me. She loves me, she trusts me and IMO if that ever changes it is on me.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Do I let my d go and wait for the day she realizes I am not what her mom made me out to be or do I fight and possibly win and have a d who is so depressed and defiant.
I think you have to let her go for now. As sad as it sounds maybe time and space will do some good. Nobody wins in D but it's safe to say everyone in your situation loses including your GF, your new baby and your exw's boyfriend. Very tragic!
LH I hear what you are saying as far as me playing victim. I wish I could show you pictures of my d and I before the d. Especially the last few days of elementary school for her. I walked her to school holding hands, the very last day we cried together because that was the last time I could walk her. Then 2 months later we started the divorce and litttle by little my d starts to hate me. And like I said before, I saw specific texts between my d and ex, where my ex is bashing me, she put tracking devices on my kids phones (my d had her phone for a year and a half and never once did my ex ever say about putting a tracking device on it), encouraging my d not to call me. And look LH I am glad you still have that relationship with your d. Everyone is different. My d was also in therapy since she was 5 for SEVERE separation anxiety from her mom. Look I know I made mistakes too, I wasn’t perfect and I am trying real hard to be the most amazing dad now. For me, it’s just hard for me to wrap my head around the dislike my d has for me.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I am really stuck. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking.
Can you tell me what the ideal relationship with your daughter would look like to you? What would it be like daily? Weekly?
Just be able to talk about school, friends anything really. Being able to hang out a little each time I have her. Trust me I know she is a teenager and doesn’t want to be around me the entire time, I get that but even if it was just for a few minutes to talk. When I take her and her brother out just have a little excitement or just happy to be doing something fun. I am a big mush and would LOVE to just be able to give her a hug and let her know I love her and always am here for her. Weekly not sure how to answer that part. Lol.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
But is it really good for my s to be going through this? I feel horrible for my s to have to go through this.
Your son's attitude will be influenced by yours. Are you treating the hand-off like a tense situation requiring a man with a gun OR are you requesting the chief always assign the same person, chatting and joking with the officer, and making as light as possible that you and your wife can't be in the same room so you need a 3rd party for the exchange?
Originally Posted by LH19
I think about my daughter who is 12. My exw could say just about anything in the world to her about me and it wouldn't change her view of me. Why? Because of how she feels when she is with me. She loves me, she trusts me and IMO if that ever changes it is on me.
For about a year, my ex slammed me to my kids. "Mommy says you never let her have <holiday>" "Mommy and I agreed on a holiday schedule and we both signed it." "Mommy says you made her sign it." Was it fun? No. Did it have a huge impact? No.
Originally Posted by Wolf
Boy Wolf you are sure always the victim.
When we asked you to reduce pressure on all your relationships, taking your GF to the exchange and having her go into the station wasn't that. I get your lawyer asked you to bring someone with you during any exchange to be a witness. Obviously, some people are single, and I would never put my GF's through that. So, the next question to the lawyer is, "Got nobody. Now what?" I suspect he'd recommend a dashcam or GoPro to achieve similar ends.
Wolf, I get your wife may be an escalater and you simply may not de-escalate. Constantly ask yourself when it pertains to you GF, S, D, and XW--how could I de-escalate this situation?
No, I don't think going belly up in court helps you or tells your D and S you care. I suspect your XW's been emboldened that you talk big about her bad behaviors but ultimately dropped your case in court without presenting any evidence. Don't "battle" her. Ask your lawyer to present your proof, hers will do the same, and a judge will rule.
Yes, after winning in court, give you D space if she wants it. Your choice. Her choice. Not XW's choice.
Don’t worry too much about the police station exchange. Your son will take his cues from you. If you are upbeat and happy to see him, it won’t matter what parking lot he is in. If your son asks you why you are making the exchange at the police station, just shrug your shoulders and say, “I don’t know exactly. This is what your mom wanted and I don’t really care where we meet. I’m just happy to spend time with you so that’s what’s important to me.” You could also ask him, “Why do you think we are making the exchange here?” He may then tell you that his mom is scared or something like that. That’s your opportunity to say, “Yeah...I don’t really understand her fear because I would definitely never hurt her or you but if it makes here feel better, I’m fine with it. I’m just happy to have you with me so we can spend some time together.” Another approach... “Hey S. Does it bother you or seem weird that we are meeting at the police station?” Then you can address any concern he might bring up in the ways I already suggested. The bottom line is not to make it a big deal or seem like you are mad about it. Just present it as something his mom asked for and you have no problem with it because you are only interested in seeing him and spending time together. Sometimes we project a lot of meaning onto things and assume that our kids are feeling the same way we are feeling about it. Usually that’s not the case. We adults tend to attach more meaning to things like this than kids do. The best approach is to be curious about what they are feeling and then decide how to deal with things. If it’s a non issue for him, it should be a non issue with you.
Re: your daughter. I would probably get the custody issue decided regardless so that when/if your daughter decides she wants to give living with dad a try, you have the legal backing. Trust me... as long as you keep the door open for your D, she will eventually want to walk through it. Has to be her choice though. (((HUGS)))
Oh...and one more thing about D. My D is 13 and we have a really good relationship. Lots of love there. However, she is not the little kid that wants to hold my hand anymore (thankfully her brother still is...lol). And when she is upset, she often tells me up front she does not want to hug me and I should know that she HATES hugs...from anyone. Ouch. When that happens, it definitely stings because I would love to hug her. But...she’s just not there and I choose not to take it personally. Puberty is tough and I think it is even tougher these days. So focus on the things you can change and try not to personalize everything she does. She knows you are not a bad guy. She knows you love her. Just be consistent in your communication (whatever she will allow) and keep the door open. This isn’t going to last forever and even your ex will eventually lose steam with her campaign of disdain towards you. It’s hard to fight with someone who will not engage with you. (((HUGS)))
Re: your daughter. I would probably get the custody issue decided regardless so that when/if your daughter decides she wants to give living with dad a try, you have the legal backing. Trust me... as long as you keep the door open for your D, she will eventually want to walk through it. Has to be her choice though. (((HUGS)))
Great advise.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Just be able to talk about school, friends anything really. Being able to hang out a little each time I have her. Trust me I know she is a teenager and doesn’t want to be around me the entire time, I get that but even if it was just for a few minutes to talk. When I take her and her brother out just have a little excitement or just happy to be doing something fun. I am a big mush and would LOVE to just be able to give her a hug and let her know I love her and always am here for her.
Obviously it will be much harder to get the opportunity for that "ideal" if you do not continue to stand up to your X through the legal system and get parenting time.
After each of my kids became teenagers, two of the main interactions we had were dinner and driving to sporting events. The last thing they wanted to do was hang out with the parents...but they wanted the food and they wanted the rides. Most of the time was spent in their rooms or with friends.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Sorry Wolf - your ex sounds like she's playing on your daughter's long time fears . If it's any consolation, my middle child was always very close to my ex, and when my ex left was 18. For several years I was the bad guy, because somehow I should have made dad "happy" enough to stay. My ex also apparently had filled this child's head with all his complaints about me, inappropriately using this child as sounding board and justification for his infidelity. (I wasn't perfect, nobody is, but I was a loving and caring wife and his departure was really all about him, not me. Well, partly about my inability to transform myself into a 30 year old Asian girl. )
However, once said child grew up and began to see which parent had their back and which parent was always giving them grief - he now often tells me how grateful he is to me, and he has a distant relationship with his father. I have never bad mouthed their father to them but they have all learned over time who he is without me having to say a word.
Keep loving your daughter, accept that this may be a rocky time, keep being the adult in this trio. DON'T be like my current boyfriend. He had an acrimonious divorce (I only have his side of the story, but his wife sounds like she had some serious issues including alcoholism and "Princess syndrome"- nonetheless, he's not an easy person to live with either). His daughters blamed him and do not really have contact with him. He looks like he was a loving father when they were little, took them to all their games, lots of loving pics. He was so hurt by their abandonment in the divorce that he has given up and doesn't try to contact them. I have tried to tell him that he's the parent in this situation and it's his job to keep reaching out to them (they're all in their 20's) but he doesn't. Even though he has a terminal disease.
