Ruining a possible reconciliation, part 2

[BL42]

DBX80,

I noticed you online recently and re-read your thread. How about an update?

Did W/ExW? end up filing for D? Did it finalize? Any more cupcakes or dog pics? More importantly, how are you doing...have you improved yourself and make your life awesome?

Hope all is well...

[DBX80]

DBX80,

I noticed you online recently and re-read your thread. How about an update?

Did W/ExW? end up filing for D? Did it finalize? Any more cupcakes or dog pics? More importantly, how are you doing...have you improved yourself and make your life awesome?

Hope all is well...

Hello BL42. I suppose an update is in order.

Yes, she filed for divorce and everything was finalized last summer. Later this month will be our one-year anniversary of divorce.

And yes, she still brings cupcakes every so often, and still sends dog pics. I assume it’s her way of trying to be friends with me, but of course I’m not interested in that, so I don’t pay it much mind anymore.

One of our dogs passed away last year unexpectedly, and that was traumatizing for the both of us.

Anyways, as part of the divorce decree, we agreed that I would have custody of the remaining dog during the week, and she would have the weekends. So I do see her sometimes when she’s dropping off or picking up the dog. When I do see her, she always tries to chat me up, as if nothing happened and as if we’re the best of friends. Of course I’m cordial during these interactions, but it does create a bit of cognitive dissonance for me. So lately, I’ve been trying to avoid being present during the drop-offs and pick-ups. I don’t know if that’s healthy, or if it makes me look weak.

Sometimes she also texts me about random stuff that has nothing to do with the dog. For example, last week she texted me about a new tv show she was watching, telling me that I should watch it too because she thinks I would enjoy it. Again, she’s acting like nothing has happened and like we’re best friends. It’s disconcerting. I replied to her text merely saying, “Thanks.”

This summer, it will be 3 years since the bomb drop. I feel like if she was going to try and reconcile, it would have happened by now. Three years is a long time.

I’ve been going on dates, but nothing serious. I’ve discovered that dating nowadays is kind of a nightmare, and I don’t really look forward to it, to be honest. I don’t know how people do it. 😂

[BL42]

DBX80,

Good to hear an update.

Yes, she filed for divorce and everything was finalized last summer. Later this month will be our one-year anniversary of divorce.

Sorry it didn't work out. Sounds like we're on a similar timeline. My one-year D anniversary just hit. How are you feeling about everything? Making progress on the detachment / processing emotions?

And yes, she still brings cupcakes every so often, and still sends dog pics. I assume it’s her way of trying to be friends with me, but of course I’m not interested in that, so I don’t pay it much mind anymore.

Throw out the cupcakes and work on the physique! Lol Dog pics do seem odd - you see it most of the week.

One of our dogs passed away last year unexpectedly, and that was traumatizing for the both of us.

Sorry man. That's tough.

When I do see her, she always tries to chat me up, as if nothing happened and as if we’re the best of friends.

So bizarre.

Of course I’m cordial during these interactions, but it does create a bit of cognitive dissonance for me. So lately, I’ve been trying to avoid being present during the drop-offs and pick-ups. I don’t know if that’s healthy, or if it makes me look weak.

I think you do what's best for you. If you need to avoid those interactions, do it - don't worry about how it looks. Ideally you're out and about having fun naturally and it's not even an issue to ponder.

Sometimes she also texts me about random stuff that has nothing to do with the dog. For example, last week she texted me about a new tv show she was watching, telling me that I should watch it too because she thinks I would enjoy it. Again, she’s acting like nothing has happened and like we’re best friends. It’s disconcerting. I replied to her text merely saying, “Thanks.”

Again, so bizarre. At least to us LBSs. You'd think they'd know the hurt they caused and feel awkward about that. Maybe it goes to show how detached they were long before BD.

This summer, it will be 3 years since the bomb drop. I feel like if she was going to try and reconcile, it would have happened by now. Three years is a long time.

Who knows what the future holds. My BD is coming up on 2.5yrs. 3 years seemed like such a long time back then but it's flown by. As LH would say he knows people who reconciled after decades.

I’ve been going on dates, but nothing serious. I’ve discovered that dating nowadays is kind of a nightmare, and I don’t really look forward to it, to be honest. I don’t know how people do it. 😂

Yeah...I'm finding that as well so far, but it hasn't even been a year yet so we'll see...

[SteveLW]

DBX80,

It is not uncommon for the EX to try to keep their LBS in the friendzone. The general guidance is to continue to DB! So keep GAL, keep 180ing (self-improving) and keep being emotional detached. I would also highly suggest you do not engage in these texts. Stick to the texting rules for LRT: do not respond to statements, direct questions only. And then only on your own time (not right away) and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

As you point out with your cognitive dissonance, this can play tricks on your mind. "She still likes me! Maybe she wants to get back together! Maybe I should start pressuring and pursuing her!"

That is a cheeseless tunnel. She is going to keep you in her life to the extent that you allow her too. (I am not up on the details of your situation since it was so long ago, but looking back would you say she always saw you as more of a friend rather than a lover?) Unfortunately, dogs do not live very long (we lost a dog ourselves in March, always difficult), but the silver lining to this is that once the current dog is gone you will have no further need to be so connected to her. It will be a sad time (losing a pet always is) but it will also be liberating for you to really move on.

Remember, if she ever wants to come back as a romantic partner you will know in NO uncertain terms. When she wants to come back you will know, when she doesn't you will be confused.

Sounds like you are doing fairly well, maybe still a bit too attached due to her friend zone antics. See them for what they really are and not what you want them to be.

[PeterB]

I’ve been going on dates, but nothing serious. I’ve discovered that dating nowadays is kind of a nightmare, and I don’t really look forward to it, to be honest. I don’t know how people do it. 😂

Yeah...I'm finding that as well so far, but it hasn't even been a year yet so we'll see...

Um, in what ways have you found out? Would love to know because if D happens then I'm likely to hit the town hard asap

Remember, if she ever wants to come back as a romantic partner you will know in NO uncertain terms. When she wants to come back you will know, when she doesn't you will be confused.

Can you explain why "no uncertain times"? I have wondered what would signal an intent to work on the M. My WW has always been a tester - in that she used to test me regularly on various things and I could never pick up on when she was testing. I don't care if she is testing me right now to influence her hedging, as I think she is friend zoning (with benefits) at this time. Any advice / material on how to identify piecing? You can reply on my thread too if you feel like it.

[Josh71]

I can answer that since I'm in my second BD.

On BD1, she literally came to me, humbly, and said she wants to get back together. It was that simple. A few weeks prior to that, I did notice her attitude softened. After the wicked fights, protests, boundary violations, etc. I never reacted to her softening since it could be a sign of acceptance of the current situation, or, as it turned out, she was contemplating changing her mind.

What you are experience is temperature checking. I got the same on BD1, and now on BD2. She's checking to see how much of you she can get or how serious you might be of accepting separation.

Shouldn't matter what the current state is, GAL, hit the town. It helps take the mind off. In my BD1 it got her curious. In BD2, she doesn't care. For now. So for me, GAL is about focusing on my new life, taking my mind off things, and reviving the me that died years ago.

[OnlyBent]

I’ve been going on dates, but nothing serious. I’ve discovered that dating nowadays is kind of a nightmare, and I don’t really look forward to it, to be honest. I don’t know how people do it. 😂

I know why BL has found dating a struggle. DBX, what exactly is it that you don't like about it.

Just for a balanced opinion, I've been having a great time, 2021 was a fun year. My best advice would be stay away from OLD at the start, I think you need to be in the right place to handle the fickleness that comes with it. Get out there and meet people organically and just be hella patient.