It was MLC. Now I am calling moving forward.

[HaWho]

Wolf, if it were me, I would definitely fight for custody of my daughter. It’s really in her best interest not to be in that environment 100% of the time. She may eventually see that. Also, just from a financial standpoint if your wife gets full custody, isn’t there a good chance you will be paying support for 3 years? Definitely look at that, because there is a business side to it all. I know court fees are expensive but so is child support.

As for your situation with your daughter, I had something very similar happen with my older son. I think it happens very frequently that one parent tries to poison the child against the other parent. And I think this can happen to even the strongest of relationships. But, she is 13 so if she’s being taught to turn against you, eventually she’ll turn against her mother too because she’s a moody teen. What she needs to be taught is not to turn on people and not to manipulate parents against each other. And she probably will figure this out if there’s an adult in her life who does not tolerate that.

In my situation my ex became buddies with my older son. It got so bad that when my son refused to clean his room he threatened to call his dad to come pick him up so he could get out of it. I texted my ex and told him the situation and asked him not to get involved so that son would have to learn to clean his room. My ex picked up my son. And in that moment I was completely defanged. I turned off my son’s cell phone service to punish him for not cleaning his room. That only bonded the two of them closer together. My ex told me son would not come back until I turned the phone back on. And then I had shot myself in the foot because now I had no way of communicating with my son. So I turned on the phone and asked him to come back. I lost a lot of power in that situation. I made a lot of mistakes.

Several weeks later, I again ask s to clean his room. He again refuses and goes to his dad’s to get out of it. This time I just realize he’s getting to be a real brat and if I give a 15-year-old no rules he will be ruling my house. So I let him go. I gave him space and did not contact him nor ex. Several days later ex texted me saying that the only way son will come back was if I would apologize! Apologize for asking s to clean his room! Can you imagine? It was so sad to see how manipulative the two of them were. I did not answer ask. And I did not contact son. As painful as it was I just decided to leave them to themselves, it was just too unhealthy.

Several days later I received another text from ex telling me that son will never come home unless I apologize to him. Of course there’s nothing to apologize for, he has to do his chores. But I don’t even discuss it with ex because the two of them are buddies and there was no coparenting going on anymore. I was fully prepared that he would live there for the duration. And I just had to let it go because if hewere living here with no rules it would be a nightmare. It broke my heart. And I cried nonstop during that period.

About five days later I come home from work and there is my older son sitting on the couch. I say hello and act as if. I don’t address the situation at all. That night he comes to me before bed and he starts crying and he says he wants a better relationship with me. At this point I tell him how manipulative it is that he goes to his dad’s to get out of doing his chores. Our relationship got a lot better after that. I told him that I raised him better than that. And that he knew better. And a while later, he did tell me he knew what his dad was doing was not right. Now I did not know it at the time, but my ex had moved in his affair partner and I am pretty sure he was buddying up with the kid to make himself feel better about it all.

Be consistent, check - in, but be firm about boundaries. They will remember who was the adult in the situation. It may take time, but trust me, when they grow up a bit they start to see what’s really going on.

[Wolfman]

Thank you everyone for your advice and the situations you all went through. What I should do at the police station is really going to help. I want to make this as least stressful as possible for him. I will work on trying to make it not like a big deal to him. Tomorrow I have court for the order of protection. Last night I sat with my new “legal team”. They were really trying to figure what my “disguise” was when I went to my d dance competition. They were making all kinds of jokes like was I wearing the nose and glasses with mustache. I laughed. Or literally a mask. I said no. My “disguise” was a baseball hat I was wearing. I also showed them the texts from my d therapist and the psychologist we both went to that neither one suggested a 6 week break, which was in the petition. This woman just lies and lies and lies and I can’t wait to disprove all of these. I really don’t know how someone can lie so much and get away with it. Wait I know how, because so far she has. I hope with these new lawyers (I feel like they are not going to take any garbage) they will be able to put her in her place. At the end of the day. I just want what’s best for my kids.

[Wolfman]

Court did not go well. There is some discrepancy. The last time we were in court the judge said that I wouldn’t see my daughter for 6 weeks, until the birth of my son. I said to my lawyer that is too long, he suggested 2 weeks and everyone agreed. After that day in court, her lawyer wrote to mine if I was agreeing to 6 weeks. His response was no, he will give his d a 2 week break. Before I went to see my d at the end of 2 weeks, I asked my lawyer if that was correct? And he said yes and he said it was only a suggestion NOT A COURT ORDER. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to go against the judge’s recommendation. I heard 2 weeks and so did he. Well evidently the judge didn’t remember that. And was pissed that he feels like I went against him. My lawyers are subpoenaing the transcripts. And my lawyer had a conversation with hers that we were doing to weeks all in emails and saw them all. But another problem I got hit with CPS. My son was at my house and said a little and nothing was wrong. But my ex kept him at her house on my day, saying his allergies were bad. And the woman interviewed him again. This time he said my gf was mean to him, yells at him, and the best one she never lets him and I have time alone. If you all recall I came on here wanting her to spend more time with him. That she goes to work comes home and goes in the bedroom to lay down. Yet he said we don’t have time together. I went away with him for 3 days, I play video games with him for hours, just the 2 of us, I take him to the park. And as far as my gf, I have said she doesn’t say much to him and he says she yells at him all the time. She HAS NEVER yelled at him. My thing is my d complaint at the beginning was she never leaves us alone, and the time she said something to my d for being nasty to me. If she is with my s any less she wouldn’t live there and he says the opposite. My d complained that she is not nice and that I give her anxiety. So now we are going to trial. The judge wouldn’t let my lawyer speak. Anytime she went to speak he would cut her off. So now, I can’t see/talk to my d till July 16 maybe longer. I am going to miss her birthday and her graduation. I am so sad.

[LH19]

What a mess. Your bad decisions certainly come back to haunt you.

[Traveler]

Hi Wolf,

I'm sorry to hear about this turn for the worse.

My son was at my house and said a little and nothing was wrong. But my ex kept him at her house on my day, saying his allergies were bad. And the woman interviewed him again. This time he said my gf was mean to him, yells at him, and the best one she never lets him and I have time alone.

Wolf, I'm going to share something personal. My first visit from CPS was in 5th grade, and my parents persuaded me to lie to cover up their crimes. When they asked how I was punished, instead of relaying a near-death experience, I told them an anecdote my parents made up and had me practice until I sounded convincing. "Well, there was one time I wouldn't do my chores, and my parents wouldn't let me have a Snickers bar. That was so wrong!" Why did I lie, besides being 10? They said if I told CPS the truth, I'd be taken away and sent to a home in a neighborhood with gangs and drug dealers. A shout out to my 5th grade teacher for being the first to see I was abused.

So, coaching is a thing. 1. CPS always interviewed me out of earshot of my parents. When you say what was said where, are these assumptions, or they released a report with those details? 2. If they released a report, what did they say about mom and mom's house and mom's bf? 3. If they released a report, what are they recommending? CPS tends to prefer corrective action over long-term removal. 4. Do you think S went along with it because he doesn't want to see GF anymore? At 10, per the above, my reasoning was beyond, "Because Mom said so!"

I wonder if there's some "no contest" option where you don't admit guilt, but simply take a parenting class and ensure your kids get to see you WITHOUT seeing your girlfriend and life gets back to normal.

[HaWho]

I’m so sorry to hear this.

My suspicion is that your kids are just not okay with any gf at this time. It’s most likely all too raw for them and her presence alone may be too much for them given all the changes in their lives. This may be what they are trying to communicate.

[Wolfman]

Hi Wolf,

I'm sorry to hear about this turn for the worse.

My son was at my house and said a little and nothing was wrong. But my ex kept him at her house on my day, saying his allergies were bad. And the woman interviewed him again. This time he said my gf was mean to him, yells at him, and the best one she never lets him and I have time alone.

Wolf, I'm going to share something personal. My first visit from CPS was in 5th grade, and my parents persuaded me to lie to cover up their crimes. When they asked how I was punished, instead of relaying a near-death experience, I told them an anecdote my parents made up and had me practice until I sounded convincing. "Well, there was one time I wouldn't do my chores, and my parents wouldn't let me have a Snickers bar. That was so wrong!" Why did I lie, besides being 10? They said if I told CPS the truth, I'd be taken away and sent to a home in a neighborhood with gangs and drug dealers. A shout out to my 5th grade teacher for being the first to see I was abused.

So, coaching is a thing. 1. CPS always interviewed me out of earshot of my parents. When you say what was said where, are these assumptions, or they released a report with those details? 2. If they released a report, what did they say about mom and mom's house and mom's bf? 3. If they released a report, what are they recommending? CPS tends to prefer corrective action over long-term removal. 4. Do you think S went along with it because he doesn't want to see GF anymore? At 10, per the above, my reasoning was beyond, "Because Mom said so!"

I wonder if there's some "no contest" option where you don't admit guilt, but simply take a parenting class and ensure your kids get to see you WITHOUT seeing your girlfriend and life gets back to normal.

Thank you for sharing that. I can answer those questions for you. Only the lawyers got to see the report. My lawyer is the one who told me what my kids said. They didn’t tell me what was said about moms home or her, my guess is probably nothing bad or else they would have told me. No recommendations yet. When the woman form CPS came my gf was not here she was at work. So, the judge said they need to come back and vet her too. I just know it was coached I will tell you why. Yesterday after I picked up my son from the police station and I was driving home, I asked him If he was happy coming to my home. He said most of the time. I said ok can you tell my why sometimes you don’t like to come. He said because my gf is mean to him and she yells at him a lot and she thinks she is my mom. I said I understand why that would make you feel that way. Can you give me examples when she yelled at you? He gave me an example where a year ago we were going out and his hair was a mess. I asked him numerous times to do his hair and he kept refusing. I was being so calm and patient, but no joke after 30 minutes of being patient I raised my voice, because now we were going to be late to where we were going. So my gf raised her voice too, (I am telling you all honestly here it really wasn’t a big deal) and said s we are late we have to go. She even offered to help him with his hair multiple times before we both got loud. By the way we winded up being 45 minutes late to where we needed to go because of him taking so loNg to do his hair. I asked him what was the other time. He said there was no other time, that was it. I said you sure? I just want to be able to fix these problems. He said that was it. I also told him, she is not your mom, you only have one mom, gf loves you and she loves to be with you and she was just trying to help you that day with your hair.So, he told the CPS woman she yells at him all the time, when it was a kinda once a year ago. I also asked how is she mean? He said she just is. I said I understand you feel that way can you give me an example? He responded, “ I don’t know, she just is.” I said an example would really help me figure out how we can make this better. Again, he said I don’t know she is. I said you can’t think of one example of how she is? He said no. I said ok. Thank you for letting me know these things. There was more we were going to talk about but by this time we got home and his allergies were acting up so I needed to help him with that.
I have a question. I recoded a little of the conversation to show my lawyer. Where we talk about that she only yelled at him once. Should I record more of this. And if so, will this help me show that when he was there he was so quick and open about bashing me. Second how ironic that I was supposed to have my son, but she didn’t give him to me that day when CPS showed up.
Now my gf is petrified of my s. Since we are having the baby in a week and CPS is involved in our life she is terrified that the lies he says could take our newborn away. Honestly, I completely understand where she is coming from.

[Wolfman]

I’m so sorry to hear this.

My suspicion is that your kids are just not okay with any gf at this time. It’s most likely all too raw for them and her presence alone may be too much for them given all the changes in their lives. This may be what they are trying to communicate.

Again that’s where I have a problem or where the problem is? They have a “problem” with my gf but not with her bf. Look I can promise you my gf has done so much wonderful things with my kids. So why the problem on my side but not hers? I know some of you will come on here and say things like I don’t know what’s going on over there and you are right. If I do know what’s going on over here. My gf running out to get ice cream for them, my gf playing hide and seek with my kids, playing cards with them, board games with them, movie nights, cooking I g there favorite foods all the time, indoor rock climbing, Dave and busters, she even had a couple of pillow fights with my s. Yet they don’t like her or feel comfortable?? Sorry not buying it. Read up on parent alienation because it is in full affect. Honestly, I have a few close friends I talk to about this. And each one has said the exact same thing, and these conversations are completely separate. Everyone says she is using the kids to punish me because I moved on. 2. Hopefully turning the kids against me and especially gf, she will have enough of this and leave. 3 kids will show such hatred for my gf that basically I would have to pick them or her. It’s truly a sick game my ex is playing at the EXPENSE OF MY CHILDREN. At the end of the day my children pay the biggest price.

[Dawn70]

You are exactly right that people will say you don’t know what is going on at xw’s house because you don’t. You are speculating. Is that speculation correct? Maybe, who knows? Your XW, s, and d because they are the ones who live there. You have said several times in past posts that your gf is tired all the time, rarely cooks, and comes home from work and goes into the bedroom (all understandable things for a pregnant woman nearing her due date), but in this latest post you talk about ALL the things she does for your kids. You also say the kids don’t have an issue with xw’s bf but how do you know that? How do you know they aren’t saying the same things about him? You keep insisting you have proof that the kids are being coached. Is it possible they are? Of course, but you do not have “proof” because if you did, your lawyers could end this circus immediately.

The point that several have made over and over that you either fail to see or refuse to acknowledge is that this whole situation, on BOTH sides, is a huge clusterf);5k and the kids are suffering because of poor decisions by the adults. Of course they are going to say they don’t like your gf (whom you got pregnant very shortly after beginning the relationship). Of course they are going to feel slighted and feel like she intrudes on their time with you. They miss what they had. They are KIDS! Kids are pretty resilient but they’ve had a lot of change rammed down their throats in a very short time and their parents seem to be more interested in having a power struggle over who is the better parent than actually being a parent.

[Wolfman]

Dawn. I did say she doesn’t cook. That has been the last 5-6 months give or take. Before she got pregnant she did everything for them like they were her children. So I apologize for how I say things on here. I stink sometimes at explaining. As far as the bf, my d stated in therapy that he is nice. But that was really it. Never once said anything positive about my gf. Even from the very first day, when she met her. The next day I asked her, what do you think. Her exact response was, “she’s too nice, no one is that nice.” Maybe it’s just me, but I never heard anyone complain someone is too nice.
Dawn I recognize the situation is a huge cluster f. Look to I never talked badly about my ex to my kids, trust me I so want to, but what will that do? I would never want to be in the way of my kids having a relationship with their mom. Like I said many times, the proof I have is the numerous text messages between my d and ex. Bashing us, tell my d to hide things, to lie to me, keep things from me. Do I have anything recently, no. Those were from last year. I am hoping to use all these messages in my court case.
Look I was not expecting to get into another relationship so fast. I was seriously looking to have fun for a while. I did date other women, I just fell for this one. I never wanted to fight with the ex, as a matter of fact I was constantly just giving in to her to avoid confrontation. But like people say you have to create boundaries and when I did, that’s when her anger towards me grew. Once I had a gf well then it was, “game on” for her. Anything I tried to do for or with my kids I contacted the therapist. Give you an example, not sure if I have posted this before. When I realized that this was going to be long term with my gf, I contacted my d therapist and asked how do I go about speaking to the kids about it. She told me I should let the ex know first, this way if the kids have any questions she would be prepared to answer them. I’ll never forget the next day was my s hip hop dance competition. In between dances (which was 2 hours between each) she approached me aggressively and said, “I heard you have a girlfriend!!” I said, “I was going to speak to you about this later, but since you are asking, I do.” Her next response was, “when we’re you going to tell me?!!” I said when I realized this was going to be long term. I just want you to know I am going to talk to the kids tomorrow about it.” She literally turned and stormed off. The next day when I went to pick up my kids from school, I said guys there is something I need to talk to you about. They both said we know, you have a gf. I said what? They said we know mom told us already. I said ok. Then my d starts saying, dad you know what they say about girls? I said, “what do they say?” She said they are a little bit crazy. I said huh. She said yeah girls are crazy. There is more to this but I think you get the point. Then when I was going to introduce the kids, I spoke with her therapist about how to do it. That day I called the ex to let her know. Again, I got h3ll from her. That why didn’t I tell her sooner she needs to know these things in advance. And I would have but after what she did last time I didn’t feel comfortable. Yet my ex never told me she even had a bf, or when she introduced him. I was always in the dark. She would make plans with my kids on my days all the time and ask me to switch but ask me the day before. At first I was like sure, as long as I didn’t have any major plans. But then I started to become more and more. Then I started to make plans with the kids on my days and when she asked me to switch I told her nicely, I am sorry but this is my day with the kids and I already made plans for us. She would start saying oh you are going to be vindictive now!!! This is how you get even?? I said these are my days and I am sorry but you do not have a right to make plans with the kids on my days. The more boundaries I set the more hostile she got with me. Look I. My marriage, right or wrong, I gave her everything and did anything she wanted. I thought by doing that I was being a good husband, but deep down, I only created a monster. And she expected in divorce too. Another example, last year for my sons birthday his basketball coach contacted me about having a birthday parade for my son. I said that’s a great idea did you speak to his mom too? He said no, I said speak to her too that you were thinking this and this way we can figure out who’s house to do it at. He calls me back and says, she said you can have it at your house. I found out she was having a parade at her house. I found out she had one for him, didn’t tell me or even invite me to be in the parade for my s. Meanwhile I am trying to get her involved. Mother’s Day I had my kids give her something, she did t do the same. Christmas I got gifts for my kids to give her, she didn’t do the same. So honestly your last statement is a little bothersome because I have tried to do the right thing for my children.
I really feel she wanted me as plan “b”. And when she lost me as plan b things got horribly worse fast.