Never let your kids feel you gave up on them - no matter how much they push you away. Let the lawyers do their jobs....Communicate with them as best you can without being pushy.....continue to put their feelings first and kept letting them know you love them even when they don't respond
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
What if what we are going thru is a test, this test is a mirror, a mirror that reflects who we are, how we react during our hardest times.
What if we were meant to go through this journey, would we be reflecting on who we are as a person if we weren't, or letting life's busy days consume us.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I did not even realize it but yesterday, August 25, 2011 marked 2 years to the date that I kicked my W out of the house in a fit of rage, anger and frustration. The cops came as I was throwing her clothes in trashbags out the front door onto the front lawn. What a scene it was!!!!
I found myself on the rollercoaster of emotions after the bomb drop and the discovery of her affair just 2 months prior and her statement that our marriage was over sent me over the edge.
When I look back at that time, I can remember the emotions and the events and the words spoken as if they were yesterday. However they are far behind me and I am a totally different person today.
I no longer mark the anniversary of her meeting the OM, the date of her PA, the date of the bomb, the date I found out about the affair......none of it......my life is too busy and too full of other things that matter to ME now.
For those who don't know, I filed for divorce and it became final on February 11, 2011. I stood for my marriage for a long time........
This morning, I was leaving for work and realized I had not checked the mail from yesterday.
In the mailbox was two hand addressed letters.
One addressed to ME, the other addressed to my D14.
(D14 does not see, nor talk, nor has any communication with her mother. My D14 has had her share of struggles with all this. She is on AD's and sleeping pills, and goes to a Therapist every other week, and spent 10 days in the hospital recently for thoughts of suicide.......My D14 is actually doing very well considering all she has been through.)
I sat in my car this morning and openned my letter........
MHL,
I am truly sorry.
I made some really bad decisions not realizing what the cost was going to be.
I honestly was not in my right mind.
I never intended to hurt anybody, and I know I did.
If I could take it all back I would. I never intended to tear the family apart.
With all my heart.
XW
As I read in so many threads here I see that we the LBS's always wonder if the MLCer/WAS realizes what they did. I would say that it is the one question that really gets to the crux of the matter.
"DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU DID OR ARE DOING????"
I will say that was the question I had and still had unanswered until this morning. It is the one question my D14 has too.
I can tell you that I have envisioned what that moment might look like when my XW would "wake up" one day. I accepted that it may never happen, and I was okay with it.
It came today, and it was not as I had thought it would be.....and more importantly it did not stir the emotion in me that I thought that it would have if it ever came.
I guess I had let go of the "expectation" that one day she would communicate to me that she "got it". I guess when I let go of that I was able to let go of the "shell of a marriage" I was holding onto.
My life is Happy now. I try daily to make myself a better MAN, FATHER and FRIEND. I do not feel that I am missing anything, I don't feel like a victim, I don't feel sad for what has happened.........it happened and I am dealing with it just as I deal with anything else in my life.
I have learned to press forward in my life and live with the things that I cannot change......I accept those things that I have no control over and deal with them accordingly.
One of the things I cannot change in my LIFE is........
I LOVE MY XW.
Always will............I accept it.
I am not ruled by my Love for my W just as I am not ruled by my anger either.
Actions taken out of emotions without thought are usually not good and often times can be destructive.........
even if those emotions are emotions of LOVE.
This is how we can get ourselves into codependent relationships.
I was talking to a close friend from the boards, just 2 days ago about how I interact with my XW.
I don’t act true to myself when I interact with my XW. I am a very friendly person, I will pretty much talk to the wall……THAT IS WHO I AM.
When I interact with my XW I am cordial and nice but I do not initiate small talk……I will respond to idle chit chat but I do not start it…..also I really don’t look at her in the face that much. I will do things for her that I would do for any other friend but I just am not “friendly” with her.
The reason I do this is not to get a reaction out of her but rather to protect me.
I have put my Love for her in a box down inside. I know it is there and I do not mess with it. I have managed to carry on my life and even have found that I can love someone else while I still have this box of love for my XW down inside me.
I accept it, and I have learned to live with it.
Part of living with it is not disturbing the box…….as I told my friend I do not want to stir any of the feelings for my XW…….I know there is pain there and I have learned to stay away from that pain.
I have touched the stove too many times…….I know better.
The way I act with my XW now is as automatic as breathing, I do not control it. The way I interact with her is an automatic response.
The reason for all that explanation is that I am not sure how I want to respond to her apology, which is still somewhat self-serving IMO.
I want to acknowledge that she sent it, I want to thank her for it and acknowledge that it was probably hard for her to do. At minimum I think that will be my response……..I am interested in what others may have to say.
The thing I am pondering is do I go a little further……..do I engage her……meaning do I ask her “what was it that brought her to this”.
Do I want to hear that?
Do I want to lower the wall?
I am so used to the way I interact with her that to do otherwise would be “un-natural” at this point…….I feel I may risk pain for myself. I have gotten real good at protecting myself.
I will take my time on this for sure.
Thanks.
Cheers
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Kind of coincidental! I just posted this in Mako's thread:
Originally Posted by SteveLW
MWD helped me immensely in my situation, not only on what I should or shouldn't be doing, but also on learning to empathize with what my WW was going through. No one, not even a WW, wakes up in the morning and thinks: "Hmmmmm, what can I do today to destroy as many lives as possible?"
Nope, the WW is fueled by selfishness (which results in destroying lives) and emotion. There isn't a lot of intent involved, though sometimes there is since most WW feel hurt by their LBH. But in the majority of the cases the WW is simply trying to do things to find her own happiness again. That was one of the best pieces of insight that I received in my own sitch was that my WW wasn't doing what she was doing to hurt me, she was doing what she was doing in order to try to be happy.
I found MHL's post very insightful, R2C! Thanks for sharing it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Kind of coincidental! I just posted this in Mako's thread:
Originally Posted by SteveLW
MWD helped me immensely in my situation, not only on what I should or shouldn't be doing, but also on learning to empathize with what my WW was going through. No one, not even a WW, wakes up in the morning and thinks: "Hmmmmm, what can I do today to destroy as many lives as possible?"
Nope, the WW is fueled by selfishness (which results in destroying lives) and emotion. There isn't a lot of intent involved, though sometimes there is since most WW feel hurt by their LBH. But in the majority of the cases the WW is simply trying to do things to find her own happiness again. That was one of the best pieces of insight that I received in my own sitch was that my WW wasn't doing what she was doing to hurt me, she was doing what she was doing in order to try to be happy.
I found MHL's post very insightful, R2C! Thanks for sharing it.
So I’m curious as to this line of thinking. Isn’t that the same as when people who are hungry that steal, loot and kill to eat. Are they not expected to face consequences for their actions?
What is the point of this forum? For me, I know I came here at a pretty dark time and more than anything, as unhealthy as this sounds, it was a crutch. I didn't even need a response to my sithc, just anyone posting having remotely the same experience as me eased the hurt that I was feeling. Being told that no matter what happened I would be ok, and to continue focussing on myself got me through some hard times. Does it matter whether it was 180, detach, become AMOAFWL or move on, go dark, never look back...I don't think so.
This site has people who have shared experiences, some recon, some don't. But most of us come out the other end better from the experience because we learn a of things about ourselves and a better way to live, some of these encapsulated by DBing, some extra to DBing.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
This is your life and these are your decisions to make, so you do what you feels best but always be DBing. It's what's best for you, and it's what's best for the MR if there's a chance to R here.
Quote
What I read when I found that info was that reconciliation and piecing aren't truly one in the same. Reconciliation is the time period in which you the LBS gets to reintroduce the new you to the WS and the WS gets to reintroduce themselves to the LBS. You with your new found better man-ness and her with her new found remorse and change of heart. New eyes. New people. You start, starting over. Not more MR 1.0 dragged on with a coat of new paint. Like actual new people dating and getting to know each other again. Feeling out if this is going to work. In particular you feeling out if you want to keep going down this road or cut your losses. Assessing the things like is this a game? Is this her biding her time? Does it feel like she's genuinely trying or is she trying to decide what to do with you? Are you willing to wait this out long enough to find out? Do you have the wherewithal to not push her? Do you have the will to work on you and keeping working on you and not dropping everything and dumping it in to fixing the MR?
because like every one is saying what will fix it is DBing principles?
A 3 month turn around is rare but not unheard of....In this part it's going to take her as long if not longer to decided what she really wants, to see you as a person of value and to show and say how remorseful she truly is, not about blowing up your lives but genuinely about hurting you like that (not any of this I didn't mean to hurt you stuff). If she's on that path it'll happen but it's going to happen on her timeline not yours. You will have to drop any expectation that you a) can control the path of any of this b) you can control her. Expectations must go out the door. This is why you have to focus on you. If you're focused on continuing to grow and move forward regardless of out come you aren't left the time or energy to control her journey here. I think a while back I wrote this on May's thread. Probably over a year ago now. While your journeys here are parallel they are not the same path. You'll each have different terrain to traverse, hills to climb, and storms to weather. You'll both be subjected to watching each other navigate, but you have no control over how fast or slow, or well or poorly she completes her journey. And if you want this to work, you let her do her work and you do yours. When it's time, you'll walk the path together.
If you guys get through that individual journey. If you make it to true remorse and find yourself in a place where you are fine regardless of outcome you may have a real go at reconciliation that will make it to piecing. That's when you begin to put the work in together. That's the time you have control over the momentum and direction of the journey. Until you're at the bridge where R meets piecing your list of wants and needs in MR 2.0 is irrelevant. You have to actually see MR 2.0 on the horizon before you can start digging in. Know what you need to cross that bridge, but now isn't the time to hand her the list. Now's the time to just keep moving forward one step at a time.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Kind of coincidental! I just posted this in Mako's thread:
Originally Posted by SteveLW
MWD helped me immensely in my situation, not only on what I should or shouldn't be doing, but also on learning to empathize with what my WW was going through. No one, not even a WW, wakes up in the morning and thinks: "Hmmmmm, what can I do today to destroy as many lives as possible?"
Nope, the WW is fueled by selfishness (which results in destroying lives) and emotion. There isn't a lot of intent involved, though sometimes there is since most WW feel hurt by their LBH. But in the majority of the cases the WW is simply trying to do things to find her own happiness again. That was one of the best pieces of insight that I received in my own sitch was that my WW wasn't doing what she was doing to hurt me, she was doing what she was doing in order to try to be happy.
I found MHL's post very insightful, R2C! Thanks for sharing it.
So I’m curious as to this line of thinking. Isn’t that the same as when people who are hungry that steal, loot and kill to eat. Are they not expected to face consequences for their actions?
The best consequences are for you to live your life to the fullest, and be the best authentic version of yourself.
Are you asking if their is a KARMA bus - Oh yeah and it hits them in the rear over and over.
“One of the best things you can do to dramatically increase the quality of your life is to start talking to strangers and making small talk everywhere you go. Developing your social skills and the ability to make small talk is essential to getting what you want in your career, social life and romantic life. When you can strike up conversations with total strangers anywhere and anytime, you can make friends, allies and create rapport with potential romantic prospects at will. This will grow your confidence and make you a people person who is easy going and easy to talk to. When people like you because you took the time to take a sincere authentic interest in who they are as a human being, it makes it really hard to say no to you. It’s hard to say no to someone we like. This gives you the power to influence others when you make it easy for people to like you.” ~ Unknown writer.
