Looking back 10-20 years at this point I can see how the little things add up and snow ball (good or bad) over time. In the case of my finances I've always made the sacrifices and investments and that's paying off significantly at this point. In terms of physical shape (not that I'm too bad off now) but I can see how that same dedication and commitment a decade or two ago would've paid dividends now. I guess the thing with life is you can't change the past and can only move forward starting today.
This is so on the money BL. You guys in the US/UK may not have heard of it. But there's a famous song in Australia by Paul Kelly called From Little Things Big Things Grow. I love it, so true!
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
LH19 - Good quote. Looking back 10-20 years at this point I can see how the little things add up and snow ball (good or bad) over time. In the case of my finances I've always made the sacrifices and investments and that's paying off significantly at this point. In terms of physical shape (not that I'm too bad off now) but I can see how that same dedication and commitment a decade or two ago would've paid dividends now. I guess the thing with life is you can't change the past and can only move forward starting today. instead.
I agree with OB! It is always the little things in life. Little things add up to the big things. The big things come around once in a while, but it is the little things that add up over time. I remember in my reading during my sitch reading about a man that every day put a fresh red rose in a vase for his wife. Every day, never missed one. After she died he continued to do it. When asked why he said that it was a small thing that had added up to a 50+ year marriage. And so in tribute to her and their marriage he continued to do the 1 small thing that added up to their successful R. Many people try to make up for the lack of little things with the occasional big thing. It never works.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
CWarrior/Gigi123 - If minimal bathing.. are "preferences" of a parenting style instead of the bare minimum of care, we truly have societal issues.
The American Academy of Dermatology (and other medical professionals) recommend any frequency between daily and weekly is healthy for the general population of children 6-11. When my son comes home and hasn't showered in 4 days, my social norms reaction may be "Omigosh! You're showering tonight." We are both co-parents and both our perspectives are valid. Her perspective is she doesn't want to force him to shower when it's not needed and he doesn't want to shower there. My perspective is I wanted him to shower at least every other day so I get him bath products he likes and it's never "optional". I only raise safety and health issues. I've found it easy to get support and enforce changes when I stick to those.
CWarrior/Gigi123 - If minimal bathing, decent nutrition, and school work are "preferences" of a parenting style instead of the bare minimum of care, we truly have societal issues. I did bring up my concerns with the family physician at my annual physical (as my son's is coming up and W is taking him) to make him aware. I told him though he's not responsible for co-parenting with us, I'd appreciate if he raise the topics generally as it would certainly be received better by W from him than from me. I've bit my tongue and not raised the topic with W recently because the we're getting towards the end of the D agreement so strategically don't want to rile her up and derail the negotiations/settlement and as the board rightfully points out I simply can't do anything about it and have to make up for it on my parenting time instead.
I'm off the mindset that kids should not be making their own choices on a lot of things. You would think that the events of the last year would encourage cleanliness. A lot of kids don't want to take a bath, that is normal. It may be that they are simply testing parents as children do. Whatever it is, it won't matter if he goes to school, or basically anywhere, stinky and dirty, the result will be the same.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I'm off the mindset that kids should not be making their own choices on a lot of things. You would think that the events of the last year would encourage cleanliness. A lot of kids don't want to take a bath, that is normal. It may be that they are simply testing parents as children do. Whatever it is, it won't matter if he goes to school, or basically anywhere, stinky and dirty, the result will be the same.
I agree with this, and it probably sums up the differences in parenting style between my W and I. I think "we're the parents; they're the children" whereas she is extremely deferential to them almost as if they're the ones running the show.
Anyway, it is what it is...I guess I just have to deal with it best I can on my time, but feel like the burden is on me "make up for things" at times, in the best interest of the kids.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
It's been almost a month since a real update and life's been hectic....
Kids - Great Easter. Visited my sister's family for egg dyeing / egg hunt and the cousins had a blast together, and then back home for the Easter bunny and church on Sunday. I'm coaching two of my son's sports teams, which keeps me busy and engaged...it's fun. Also taking them to gymnastics and the park. Son did tell my mom one afternoon when my W showed up to pick him up that "why does he have to leave with 'her' and why can't he stay and play at my grandma's house and then go home (my house)". My mom said "you mean mommy?" and had to put on a nice face and tell him that "mommy loves him". Something to keep an eye out on...
GAL - W took kids out of two for a week after Easter so I had a true week off (typically I'm with them before/after school, an evening or two, and all day Friday on my "off" weeks). I missed the kids but video chatted every day, and made the most of GAL. Went golfing several times, out to dinner and drinks with friends...etc., a friend's birthday party last night. Friends have attempted to set me up with 3-4 women now and let them know when I'm ready but have told everyone I'm waiting until at least the divorce is final. I may explore dating afterwards though as it's been over a year since BD. We'll see.
Divorce - Finally received a response on our settlement proposal counter. Both L's had a conference with the judge a week ago (seems like its purpose is for the judge to urge compromise and avoid trial, so he tells them how he'll likely rule and says go off and make a deal). My attorney said our issues are narrow so he expects an agreement, but their counter didn't move or resolve much. Waiting to meet with him on a response from us early this week. W seems to be digging for more money by bringing up new issues and not compromising on asset values (whereas I think I'm being reasonable), but our biggest outstanding issue is she won't agree to a "right of first refusal" for the kids (I.e., the parents have first right to be with the kids on the others' week) which I want to get in writing. Don't think it's unreasonable to have the right to see my kids if W doesn't want to. So we may go to trial if she won't budge there...
Oh, and for a second time now in as many months W notified me she's going on a trip which will overlap with her scheduled time with the kids. I'm glad for the extra time with them, but come on...plan around your time with them. Sigh.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
It's been almost a month since a real update and life's been hectic....
Kids - Great Easter. Visited my sister's family for egg dyeing / egg hunt and the cousins had a blast together, and then back home for the Easter bunny and church on Sunday. I'm coaching two of my son's sports teams, which keeps me busy and engaged...it's fun. Also taking them to gymnastics and the park. Son did tell my mom one afternoon when my W showed up to pick him up that "why does he have to leave with 'her' and why can't he stay and play at my grandma's house and then go home (my house)". My mom said "you mean mommy?" and had to put on a nice face and tell him that "mommy loves him". Something to keep an eye out on...
I find that most kids prefer "home, as opposed to the new place that a spouse lives after a split. I wouldn't worry about it too much. My daughter at 6 would prefer to stay at grandma's house all day every day! LOL It is hard to compete with grandma's house.
Originally Posted by BL42
GAL - W took kids out of two for a week after Easter so I had a true week off (typically I'm with them before/after school, an evening or two, and all day Friday on my "off" weeks). I missed the kids but video chatted every day, and made the most of GAL. Went golfing several times, out to dinner and drinks with friends...etc., a friend's birthday party last night. Friends have attempted to set me up with 3-4 women now and let them know when I'm ready but have told everyone I'm waiting until at least the divorce is final. I may explore dating afterwards though as it's been over a year since BD. We'll see.
Kudos for not jumping right into dating. Probably the biggest mistake I see LBSs make after they start getting the hang of DBing is jumping to dating as a way to "move forward". Dating is something, in my opinion, you do AFTER you've moved forward. I think post-D + some period of time (different for everyone) is a good target. So I think you are doing well here. I know it is tempting but there will be plenty of time for that later.
Originally Posted by BL42
Divorce - Finally received a response on our settlement proposal counter. Both L's had a conference with the judge a week ago (seems like its purpose is for the judge to urge compromise and avoid trial, so he tells them how he'll likely rule and says go off and make a deal). My attorney said our issues are narrow so he expects an agreement, but their counter didn't move or resolve much. Waiting to meet with him on a response from us early this week. W seems to be digging for more money by bringing up new issues and not compromising on asset values (whereas I think I'm being reasonable), but our biggest outstanding issue is she won't agree to a "right of first refusal" for the kids (I.e., the parents have first right to be with the kids on the others' week) which I want to get in writing. Don't think it's unreasonable to have the right to see my kids if W doesn't want to. So we may go to trial if she won't budge there...
Weird that she won't agree to this. So in other words if she wants to go to Tahiti on her week with the kids, she'd rather have the right to have someone babysit them than to see if you are open to them staying with you? That is a strange thing to dig in on. Any thoughts on why she won't agree to that?
Originally Posted by BL42
Oh, and for a second time now in as many months W notified me she's going on a trip which will overlap with her scheduled time with the kids. I'm glad for the extra time with them, but come on...plan around your time with them. Sigh.
Ironic since she is refusing to agree to right of first refusal. "I don't agree that you should get first chance to have the kids if I can't have them on my week, but by the way, can you have them on my week while I go out of town?" Strange.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
D2 had a meltdown midway through her "mommy and me" preschool class (which my mom takes her to), I had to review/sign a half dozen documents related to the D, the dishwasher broke, crazy day virtually at my job, S6 had a bathroom accident after school for which I had to wash him and his clothes up, and D2 projectile vomited multiple times on herself, me, and half the house at bedtime, so...it may be a rough night.
Lots of D negotiations over the last two weeks since my last check-in; will post an update on the process when I can get a breath of air.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Hey BL42, hang in there. The projectile vomiting nights are rare.. even if you never forget them.. especially if a small spot on your wall has a yellowish tint even 10 years later despite cleaning teams' best efforts! Seriously, though, it sounds like you're doing your best in tough circumstances.
D2 had a meltdown midway through her "mommy and me" preschool class (which my mom takes her to), I had to review/sign a half dozen documents related to the D, the dishwasher broke, crazy day virtually at my job, S6 had a bathroom accident after school for which I had to wash him and his clothes up, and D2 projectile vomited multiple times on herself, me, and half the house at bedtime, so...it may be a rough night.
Lots of D negotiations over the last two weeks since my last check-in; will post an update on the process when I can get a breath of air.
I've found that the saying "when it rains it pours" is very true in this life and in this imperfect world. I recently have had a a serious of misfortunate event related to to the house (things needing to be replaced), a death in the family, an elderly dog in failing health, and a few other things going on (health problems for some other family members, etc). Always seems things like this all happen at once.
BL42, personally I think you've come a long way and have made great progress. Life is life, don't let it derail you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
