It's official. I'm legally divorced. The judge signed the paperwork, and that's it.
What a crazy 15-16 months. Feeling pretty sad about it all right now...
Merely part of the process, BL. Many couples have D'd, only to R later. Not saying you will, or that you would even be open to it. But it does happen.
One of the things that struck me in my post-BD reading, watching video, etc. The number of WASs that eventually come back with regrets wanting to reconcile. One guy that does coaching for men now talked about how after BD, he essentially DB'd (he didn't call it that, but it really was heavy on the GAL and self-improvement side, with a good bit of detachment thrown in!). He talked about the day they signed the D papers she told him that she had noticed all of the positive changes he had made since she said she wanted a D, and that she was having second thoughts. She said she would be willing to give it another chance before signing the D. He chose to move forward with the D and move forward without her as his W. This is one example of many many couples that D with the WAS coming back around at some point wanting to R.
So you are sad because? You are now considered a divorcee? Because your marriage is over? Because it is final?
Those are the big reasons why people are afraid of D. The first one is true, nothing can be done about it, you are now a divorcee. The second one is a misnomer because your marriage has been over.....FOR A LONG TIME. And the third one is simply not true. Just like signing your marriage license wasn't "final", because as some point she changed her mind, either is a D decree "final". BL your feelings are your feelings and I do not want to minimize them, but feelings sad "about it all" means you need to process those feelings and deal with them WHY are you sad?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's official. I'm legally divorced. The judge signed the paperwork, and that's it.
What a crazy 15-16 months. Feeling pretty sad about it all right now...
Perfectly normal. Let the tears flow. It is healthy. Morn the loss of the relationship. Morn the loss of the future you thought you were going to have. Feel all the sadness. Cry all you want in your safe place. Let the anger out as well. Forgive your X. Forgive yourself.
My paperwork was signed Jan '09. 12 years flew by. Embrace your new reality. Enjoy your kids. Enjoy your "singleness".
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
[*]Child Support - Unfortunately our state is very unfair to me, but the law is the law. Despite having 50% nights and my caring for the the kids significantly more during the days, I have to pay her a consequential amount for the next 15-18 years, simply because I earn more. However, we did get a deviation from the presumptive amount, and my attorney says I got a "good deal", at least based on current law.
I had 50/50 custody as well. My income was 2X hers, so I paid child support. I made every child support payment. Final one went out last month. I now have bragging rights. I also wish I had to pay her more (IE was making more income).
I hope you stick around and advise people to get "Right of first refusal".
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
As with other days when our feelings are a tempest, this too shall pass. Be kind to yourself while you’re feeling this way. Think towards non-alcoholic comfort foods and beverages, maybe a workout.
Thanks, definitely an emotional day. Even though I've been stronger over the last many months reading through the first draft of Settlement Agreement a few weeks ago and receiving the Judgement of Divorce today had me shedding some tears. I'm sure it'll get better over time, just a little tougher today.
Last edited by BL42; 05/27/2107:02 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
It's official. I'm legally divorced. The judge signed the paperwork, and that's it.
What a crazy 15-16 months. Feeling pretty sad about it all right now...
Merely part of the process, BL. Many couples have D'd, only to R later. Not saying you will, or that you would even be open to it. But it does happen.
Not sure I could even stomach that at this point if it did become an option. So much betrayal and deceit. I'm reminded of two lines: 1) "All the kings horses and all the kinds men, couldn't put humpty together again." And 2) in the song "Defying Gravity" of the Broadway Musical "Wicked"..."You can still be with the Wizard. What you've worked and waited for. You can have all you ever wanted...", and the response is "I know. But I don't want it - No - I can't want it, anymore." Mostly I'm lamenting the loss of the dream of a family unit, though Ex-W has done too much for me to want R regardless...doesn't mean I'm not still sad about the situation.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
One of the things that struck me in my post-BD reading, watching video, etc. The number of WASs that eventually come back with regrets wanting to reconcile. One guy that does coaching for men now talked about how after BD, he essentially DB'd (he didn't call it that, but it really was heavy on the GAL and self-improvement side, with a good bit of detachment thrown in!). He talked about the day they signed the D papers she told him that she had noticed all of the positive changes he had made since she said she wanted a D, and that she was having second thoughts. She said she would be willing to give it another chance before signing the D. He chose to move forward with the D and move forward without her as his W. This is one example of many many couples that D with the WAS coming back around at some point wanting to R.
Time will tell. I can't imagine that happening at this point, knowing her personality and the history with her mother, but who knows...guess I didn't see the divorce coming either. If I'm being honest right now part of me would like it to happen to fee; empowered, but suppose that means I need to continue working on detachment.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
So you are sad because? You are now considered a divorcee? Because your marriage is over? Because it is final?
Those are the big reasons why people are afraid of D. The first one is true, nothing can be done about it, you are now a divorcee. The second one is a misnomer because your marriage has been over.....FOR A LONG TIME. And the third one is simply not true. Just like signing your marriage license wasn't "final", because as some point she changed her mind, either is a D decree "final". BL your feelings are your feelings and I do not want to minimize them, but feelings sad "about it all" means you need to process those feelings and deal with them WHY are you sad?
I'm not afraid of divorce anymore. After all, as of today I am divorced. Plus I know I'm stronger and can be happy with myself and with the kids. I'm not sure exactly why I'm so sad today. I think it's some of everything: the pain, the betrayal & deceit, the loss of the dream", rejection, a catharsis of everything over the past 15-16 months...etc. Definitely need to continue processing the emotions. I've worked through a lot of the loss and sadness, though it's bubbling up again with the current events, but am noticing more and more anger at times as well. It's a non-linear process though, right? 16 months from bomb day, nearly a year since separation...still more work to do.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
It's official. I'm legally divorced. The judge signed the paperwork, and that's it.
What a crazy 15-16 months. Feeling pretty sad about it all right now...
Perfectly normal. Let the tears flow. It is healthy. Morn the loss of the relationship. Morn the loss of the future you thought you were going to have. Feel all the sadness. Cry all you want in your safe place. Let the anger out as well. Forgive your X. Forgive yourself.
My paperwork was signed Jan '09. 12 years flew by. Embrace your new reality. Enjoy your kids. Enjoy your "singleness".
I cried quite a bit today. I work from home so when I was the email come through and read the Judgement of Divorce I blocked off time on my calendar and laid down on my bed and cried. Cathartic release. Definitely mourning the loss today. Think I'm going to have to deal with my anger coming up too. And certainly have work to do to forgive my Ex LOL.
Good news is I have maximized and enjoyed my time with the kids over the last year and can recognize I'll be happy with them (and with myself) without my Ex. I was a stand out dad before and have poured myself into them even more to be their rock. Plus, there are some benefits to the down-time of "singleness".
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by BL42
[*]Child Support - Unfortunately our state is very unfair to me, but the law is the law. Despite having 50% nights and my caring for the the kids significantly more during the days, I have to pay her a consequential amount for the next 15-18 years, simply because I earn more. However, we did get a deviation from the presumptive amount, and my attorney says I got a "good deal", at least based on current law.
I had 50/50 custody as well. My income was 2X hers, so I paid child support. I made every child support payment. Final one went out last month. I now have bragging rights. I also wish I had to pay her more (IE was making more income).
I hope you stick around and advise people to get "Right of first refusal".
I make a very good salary but even more never hurt! LOL. Tough to stare down 18 more years of writing checks considering my daughter is not even 3yos, but it's just money. I've notice even after writing the checks and without my Ex's income, I'm still saving and having almost as much deposable income as before...there are fewer Amazon boxes arriving these days for some reason and the money doesn't seem flow out as much as before.
"Right of First Refusal" was my #1 priority, and my L claims we spend a good amount of negotiation capital on that, but it was important to me - I wanted in writing on paper that I could spend time with my children if Ex-W didn't want to.
I plan to stick around on the board for quite awhile to post updates, ask advice, and hopefully chimed in with help for others.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Worse part is over brother. Truthfully I can't even remember that day and it was only 3 years ago. You are on the right path.
Onward and upward!
Thanks for the encouragement, LH! It's definitely been a tough day for me, but I'm glad the D process is complete - not knowing day-to-day when I'd get an email on negotiations or that your L filed or that the judge signed - what an emotional drain. Don't want to celebrate the situation, but also glad to continue moving forward.
I am looking forward to continuing to love life with my kids and my newfound "singleness".
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
