Wow. WWs have all the power. That statement makes me want to punch myself in the dick. May’s husband has a two year love affair and he’s the prize and has all the power. Steve’s has multiple EAs that he knows about and she’s the prize and has all the power. I guess that is why the recon rate is low. Again Detach, GAL 180 is great. While you’re at it you mind as well say “if you love someone set them free and if it was meant to be they will come back”.
Let’s pretend for a second he takes your advice and a miracle happens and she comes around in a couple years. The minute he lets his guard down she walks again. A quick google search will tell you a cheater is 350% more likely to do it again then someone who hasn’t cheated.
If he gets bombed again then he moves on and finds someone better. He did it once he can do it again.
Watch the YouTube link below for a better understanding of WWs.
LH, I wasn't trying to be rude by saying you should head over to the chump lady's board. I think she is fabulous. The reason I say that is her philosophy aligns very closely with yours and you'll be with your people there, rather than continuing to trash the core tenets of the founder of this website. .
Definitions of the phrase cookie cutter include - "having the same configuration or look as many others of a given kind; lacking individuality; stereotyped or formulaic"
Detach, GAL and 180 is a powerful tool and is beneficial for us to adopt in our lives in more than one situation. However, implying that posters on this board should always align with the core tenets of the founder of this website or head over to a different board is implying that individuality and personal opinions should be eliminated when in conflict with the core "detail, GAL and 180" generic advice regardless of the situation. I wonder how that does not come down to giving "cookie cutter advice on detach, GAL and 180"?
MLC, Ginger, LH-- I'm not, actually, parroting cookie cutter advice (although LH's dig at my educational background is pretty awesome, thanks for that).
Mako, I honestly meant every word of my post. I don't think you'll get the outcome it seems you're looking for if you push your W into an R talk right now. She may just say she wants a D again, or she may say what you want to hear but not be committed inside. Believe none of what they say and half of what they do. Her actions matter and it doesn't sound as though she's ready to recommit to the M. What does that mean for you? You want to walk? Walk. You have an entire cheerleading squad here pushing you to do that. You're not ready for that? Then chill out and focus on detaching and GAL. That's all I'm saying.
Peace, guys. I don't need more @holes in my life and so I'm out. Not worth it. Hope you guys find happiness.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Wow! Now we are aholes because we don’t agree with your advice. Look May I’m really sorry that it’s come to this but you and Wayfarer don’t control peoples opinions and what’s posted on the board. To suggest to me because I don’t have your same point of view as you and I need to go post on another forum is rude and ignorant. For Wayfarer to call out Sandi after I believe 15 years of trying to help people was rude and ignorant.
The truth is Mako may not get the response he wants from his W. He may also not get the response he wants by detach, GAL and 180.
Again I know you are really smart so after some reflection you will see you don’t control what’s posted on the board and other peoples opinions.
Mako obviously you have some options and thinking to do.
I would encourage you to go re-read MWD's LRT technique. From what I understand, there are three steps: Step 1 - Stop the Chase: This is what we also refer to as detach Step 2 - Get a life: This not only includes GAL but also implementing 180s to improve yourself Step 3 - Wait and watch: MWD says that there are three possibilities in step 3. The first is "Nothing", the second is "Your Mate Becomes Curious" and the third is "Your Spouse has a change of heart".
In the first possibility she states "Unfortunately, there are times when, no matter what you do, your spouse has firmly shut the door on your marriage". In these instances you need to move on and focus on healing. How long a person waits and how they make the decision that the spouse has shut the door on the marriage differs on the individual and their sitch. As everyone has stated, that is Mako's decision to make. I hence don't agree your advice is any more more aligned with MWD's core tenets than that of LH or Ginger's. This is why individuality and difference in opinion needs to be respected. It prevents us from falling into traps created by our own bubbles and providing 'cookie cutter' advice to others.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by MLCxH
Originally Posted by may22
LH, I wasn't trying to be rude by saying you should head over to the chump lady's board. I think she is fabulous. The reason I say that is her philosophy aligns very closely with yours and you'll be with your people there, rather than continuing to trash the core tenets of the founder of this website. .
Definitions of the phrase cookie cutter include - "having the same configuration or look as many others of a given kind; lacking individuality; stereotyped or formulaic"
Detach, GAL and 180 is a powerful tool and is beneficial for us to adopt in our lives in more than one situation. However, implying that posters on this board should always align with the core tenets of the founder of this website or head over to a different board is implying that individuality and personal opinions should be eliminated when in conflict with the core "detail, GAL and 180" generic advice regardless of the situation. I wonder how that does not come down to giving "cookie cutter advice on detach, GAL and 180"?
MLCH my man. Thanks for having my back dude!
You are welcome, LH. I find you to be a voice of reason in this forum and feel many have benefited from you. While I don't always agree with your opinion/advice I find it to be constructive and aligned with MWD's core tenets.
Incidentally, I had not heard of the Chump Lady prior to this and I checked out her page online. It is easy to poke holes and criticize others but difficult to do something constructive. MWD's work on DB/DR has helped so many people whether it is to save their relationships or heal from the breakup. I did not take time to read the Chump Lady's page fully but at a quick glance I don't think your advice is aligned with her thoughts and I am sorry your advice on this board was compared to that.
Originally Posted by may22
Peace, guys. I don't need more @holes in my life and so I'm out. Not worth it. Hope you guys find happiness.
Talk about irony, since I find what you are doing here to be aligned with LH's advice regarding moving on when it is not worth continuing to having some people in our lives
You are welcome, LH. I find you to be a voice of reason in this forum and feel many have benefited from you. While I don't always agree with your opinion/advice I find it to be constructive and aligned with MWD's core tenets.
I don't think anyone should agree with everything I say on these boards. I give thought to each specific sitch. Is the LBS strong enough yet to pull this off. Can I in good conscience give him/her advice to get his/her WAS back? What was I thinking and feeling early on? What do I now know that I wish I knew then.
Originally Posted by MLCxH
Incidentally, I had not heard of the Chump Lady prior to this and I checked out her page online. It is easy to poke holes and criticize others but difficult to do something constructive. MWD's work on DB/DR has helped so many people whether it is to save their relationships or heal from the breakup. I did not take time to read the Chump Lady's page fully but at a quick glance I don't think your advice is aligned with her thoughts and I am sorry your advice on this board was compared to that.
I appreciate it. I have not check her out yet and not sure I ever will. I have certainly has worse things said to me on this board.
Originally Posted by may22
Peace, guys. I don't need more @holes in my life and so I'm out. Not worth it. Hope you guys find happiness.
Originally Posted by MLCxH
Talk about irony, since I find what you are doing here to be aligned with LH's advice regarding moving on when it is not worth continuing to having some people in our lives
May is feisty and got caught up in something she is passionate about. It happens to me all the time. Hence we are all works in progress.
So I just wanted to comment on a point I made earlier in this thread. Joe Dredd just poster after 10 months. He was separated GAL, detaching,180. His W got comfortable in her life and told him she was going to D him. So Steve jumps on and says I hope you’re getting a lawyer. Which of course is the right advice but I’m guessing That advice is not comforting right now.
I'm no expert at DBing, I know I did it poorly, but even if I had, it would have made no difference. What has made a difference for me is gaining my self-respect back. And I did that by not putting myself in a situation where my STBXW could treat me like dirt and I keep hanging round hoping for a change in heart. Further to that, of all the sitches that I know of in real life, the LBS has dropped the WW/WAW and never looked back. The WW/WAW after a time, came back wanting another chance, but in every sitch the person that I knew didn't want them back, too much damage done.
I find it curious that DBing teaches detaching, yet there is numerous cases on here of posters leaving because of something a stranger on the internet has said to them, where's the detachment? Should LH have had a dig at May's education, I don't think so (just my opinion), but his actions over the years have shown he is caring and giving (in his own way), although not perfect. Judge on actions not words...another DB tenet? Aren't we supposed to DB to everyone?
If one can forgive their H for basically being in a relationship with another W for 2 years, surely a random poster who has been through the same experiences can be forgiven for a silly comment. Just my two cents. TIOLI (take it or leave it).
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
