Wolfman moving forward

[Wolfman]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...at&Number=2917532&gonew=1#UNREAD

Here is my old thread.

[Wolfman]

Dawn. It’s fine it did not offend me. Maybe because I haven’t given all that information before it rubbed me the wrong way. There has just been so much that has happened that I did not post about. So, I have been hearing this more and more and it really scares me. That I have to learn to let go of my children. That is just so hard for me to grasp. I spoke to a school psychologist and she basically told me the same thing. The more I try to win my children over the more she poisons them. A lot of you said it here. Love them from a distance. That is a concept I just don’t get. But it looks like I have to. I hope everyone is right, that someday my kids will realize that I love them dearly and I am always here for them. If they never realize I have no choice but to deal with it. This whole new life situation [censored]!!! Honestly I feel like I am just struggling in life. I understand a lot of my choices put me here, the divorce really messed me up, I was lost confused, depressed, and just not thinking clearly. Sorry for the rant, I am just hurt and this is a place I feel comfortable sharing those feelings. I don’t share my feelings with anyone anymore because unfortunately they have been used against me by people I trusted. Thank you everyone for your patience and help. This board is amazing.
To all you mother’s out there, sorry for it being late but
Happy Mother’s Day!!!!

[LH19]

Wolf,

This is crazy and I am really trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but are you seriously thinking about giving up on your kids? Have you tried a sit down with your ex to talk about how this is hurting your children?

[DejaVu6]

So sorry you are going through this Wolf. It won’t go on forever. Just focus on the things you can control. When something happens, step back and breathe. Understand that you can’t control what happens but you can choose your response to it. Always come from a place of love and not ego and you will be okay. Do not focus on the unfairness of the situation as that will only make you resentful and that is just poison for the soul.

Do you keep a journal? If you don’t, I recommend that you do. It will help you to process your feelings and reinforce your intention to make this as easy on your kids as possible. It is also something you could share with your children when they are adults - especially if they are wondering why they didn’t see you that much during this period of their lives. You could even write it in the form of letters addressed to them...that will hopefully prevent you from writing about what a jerk their mom is and more about you and your intention to go through this with a positive focus and view towards learning the lessons life is teaching you. There is always something to learn, even in the most negative of situations. Moving away from an ego-centered way of being to a heart-centered way of being. If you can make that shift Wolf, you will be so much better off. (((HUGS)))

[Wolfman]

Wolf,

This is crazy and I am really trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but are you seriously thinking about giving up on your kids? Have you tried a sit down with your ex to talk about how this is hurting your children?

I don’t want to give up on them. But the more I try the more push back I get. I am not saying I don’t want them in my life, I absolutely do!!! The school psychologist said give them space and when they are ready they will come to me. I have been trying so hard to be in my daughters life, especially, but she only rejects me harder and harder. I was sending her loving texts about seeing her and that’s what’s the ex used against me as harassing. When all I was saying was I missed her and lived her and hope she had a good day. I can’t talk to my ex because the order of protection. And I have tried but she simply does not take any blame for this, it’s all my fault.

Dejavu, that is probably a great idea. I don’t want my kids to ever look back when they get older and think I don’t care or love them, that is the furthest from the truth. I am broken!!! Sorry everyone, losing my ex was one thing. Losing my kids is really killing me.

[Traveler]

Hi Wolf,

I don’t want to give up on them. But the more I try the more push back I get.

The more you try to push your girlfriend on them?

asked him If he was happy coming to my home. He said most of the time. I said ok can you tell my why sometimes you don’t like to come. He said because my gf is mean to him and she yells at him a lot and she thinks she is my mom. I said I understand why that would make you feel that way. Can you give me examples when she yelled at you? He gave me an example where a year ago we were going out and his hair was a mess. I asked him numerous times to do his hair and he kept refusing. I was being so calm and patient, but no joke after 30 minutes of being patient I raised my voice, because now we were going to be late to where we were going. So my gf raised her voice too, (I am telling you all honestly here it really wasn’t a big deal) and said s we are late we have to go. She even offered to help him with his hair multiple times before we both got loud. By the way we winded up being 45 minutes late to where we needed to go because of him taking so loNg to do his hair. I asked him what was the other time. He said there was no other time, that was it. I said you sure? I just want to be able to fix these problems. He said that was it. I also told him, she is not your mom, you only have one mom, gf loves you and she loves to be with you and she was just trying to help you that day with your hair.

They have a “problem” with my gf but not with her bf. Look I can promise you my gf has done so much wonderful things with my kids. So why the problem on my side but not hers?

Consider the dialogue above. Imagine your first and foremost priority was your S. Would you have engaged it the same way? I easily see your point that if your S has only one incident he's exaggerating GF's behavior. I also see your attempt to "fix" things entailed explaining away the incident, trying to persuade him GF loves him, and secretly recording him to try to prove his story is an exaggeration. You seemed more like GF's advocate. If your S is smart, would he open up to you about more incidents, or would he open up to a more receptive audience?

I get you want deeper answers--why do S and D dislike her GF more than BF given her good deeds earlier, given that the above do not seem like the most serious transgressions? So far you have 1) she yelled at him, 2) she doesn't recognize his boundaries and forced a hug and pressed him to say daddy is perfect too, 3) she's up in her room all the time. We don't know BF's story. We don't know how much the pregnancy or your earlier behavior towards the kids plays in. The bottom line is they don't want to be around GF, their CPS complaints are about your GF, and you are the one losing custody. Defend your rights in court, but consider removing GF completely from S visits. GF may be your family, but she is not their family.

[Traveler]

if you're not up to fighting your ex-wife in court, accept that and reach out to her as the one with the power.

Have you tried a sit down with your ex to talk about how this is hurting your children?

I have tried but she simply does not take any blame for this, it’s all my fault.

Did she tell you what she feels you could do to improve your relationship with your kids? Is any of it actionable? A protective order may prevent you from communicating with her directly, but probably doesn't prevent your attorney from sending such a query through her attorney. You want to win, de-escalate, or both. (:

[kml]

Never let your kids feel you gave up on them - no matter how much they push you away. Let the lawyers do their jobs. Take your son to do fun things together without GF for the time being when you have him. Maybe sometimes things D would have also enjoyed. And I'm not saying to bribe them, but D seeing S doing fun things she might have liked too may make her start to rethink things or feel some resentment about your Ex keeping her away. Communicate with her as best you can without being pushy. (My current BF went through a difficult divorce when his three girls were college/high school ages. The girls all blamed him - no, he didn't cheat on his wife, and to hear him tell it, she's an alcoholic but I really only have his side of events and I know he can also be difficult to live with. End result is, he feels hurt by them pushing him away and so he pretty much gave up on contacting them. I'm sure this only fed the negative cycle and he has had minimal contact with them even though he has a fatal disease. I can't help but think that if he had pushed through and continued to put their feelings first and kept letting them know he loved them even when they didn't respond, he would probably have a relationship with them by now.)

Also - and this is just a thought, not something to act on right now, but - do you have pets? If not - might you think about getting a puppy? S might be a LOT more excited about coming to visit if there's a puppy involved. Now, definitely DON'T get a dog if they're not your thing and it's not something you would have done anyway. And don't do it right now because a newborn AND a puppy is just too much. But I was just thinking about how my family got a puppy when I was a baby - I suspect it was a consolation prize to my older brother for having to give up some attention to his baby sister.

[Wolfman]

Just journaling. Last few days I have been so depressed. The loss of my daughter is just so hurtful. I have done so much reading and watching videos about people who specialize in this area. Everyone says how difficult it is for the “target” parent to cope with this. Every once and a while it just hits me like a ton of bricks. Wondering what my d is up to, how she is doing. I just feel like I am missing so much. When I listen to some of the top people about alienation, I feel like they have been watching my life for the past year. The 2 who have done extensive work on this are Dr. Jennifer Harman and Linda Gottlieb. I am truly trying to figure out how I can get them to help. I am going to start by writing them emails. I am so worried that my s will be next.
Tuesday was my s birthday. I called him at night like I do every night. Except this time he didn’t pick up or call back. Yes there are times he hasn’t picked up but he usually calls me back. This time nothing!!! Really on his birthday you keep me from speaking with him. To be completely honest I did have him a few hours earlier in the day but I call him every night to say goodnight to him and I especially wanted to say happy birthday to him again. If she takes him away from me I don’t know what I will do. I will be completely devastated. This is a rhetorical question. But how could some you are with for 19 years, treat you like a queen, beg you not to d me be so cold and out to hurt me so bad by turning the kids against me?
Another mom text me 2 days ago. My s got invited to practice with the best instrument players. He is a percussionist, after school is his mom went to pick him up. When she went say hi to Brayden (her son was picked and is good friends with my s but still talks to me too) she grabbed my s quickly, she explains it looked liked she jumped on him so he wouldn’t see her and hurried him into the car and took off. This is what the mom text me. And asked what is her problem? I said because you talk to me. I said I am so sorry for that. I had to laugh. The next day that mom text me that she was so mad at that she wanted to say something to her on Facebook but my ex blocked her. Oh the drama. I think it would have been a little childish for this mom to do that, but the funny part is my ex is just pi$$ing so many people off. The sad part, these parents have children who are friends with my children that she prevents them from seeing. My poor kids.

[Ready2Change]

How you doing Wolf?