D2 had a meltdown midway through her "mommy and me" preschool class (which my mom takes her to), I had to review/sign a half dozen documents related to the D, the dishwasher broke, crazy day virtually at my job, S6 had a bathroom accident after school for which I had to wash him and his clothes up, and D2 projectile vomited multiple times on herself, me, and half the house at bedtime, so...it may be a rough night.
Lots of D negotiations over the last two weeks since my last check-in; will post an update on the process when I can get a breath of air.
I've found that the saying "when it rains it pours" is very true in this life and in this imperfect world. I recently have had a a serious of misfortunate event related to to the house (things needing to be replaced), a death in the family, an elderly dog in failing health, and a few other things going on (health problems for some other family members, etc). Always seems things like this all happen at once.
BL42, personally I think you've come a long way and have made great progress. Life is life, don't let it derail you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Tough weekend for GAL. I coached S6 games last night and we had a pizza party for the kids which they loved. We also had a game early afternoon in which S6 did great so that was good to see but W's mom & step dad were in from out of state and my neighbor (no longer W's neighbor) showed up and sat next to W and her "contingent" and they were laughing and hollering and having a grad time. Besides being with my son, a benefit of coaching was I'm on the field and removed from the sideline awkwardness drama, but have a constant reminder of it in my ear. I know this neighbor knows about the affair, and assume OM2, but still is going out of her way to be friends. One of my assistant's Ws has been laughing it up with W on the sidelines every game as well and given my mom "the eye", and I wonder if she knows the real story (or what story she knows). I would've thought that people would be appalled by her behavior and look down on it but it seems everyone wants to be her best friend anyway like she and her life are so wonderful anyway. Sometimes it seems like our world is pretty messed up flipped upside down.
Also I've been reaching out to tons of friends to hang out today/tonight/tomorrow but everyone is off doing their own thing, which is fine - I know they have lives - but definitely feeling a bit sad and lonely on a beautiful Saturday evening when I'm free and available but don't have anyone to hang around with.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Cheer up BL42. It could be worse...you could be me trying to pack up a house by myself on a beautiful Saturday evening. Kidding...kinda. I know that feeling well. Do not worry. It will pass. I sometimes feel that way as well. I just try to focus on being really good company for myself. I eat something I like. Watch a movie no one else would want to watch. Take my dog for a walk and listen to music in my headphones. Watch some self-improvement videos on YouTube. It passes the time. Hang in there. If there is anything that I’ve learned in the last three years, it is that change is constant. Worse than being by yourself...being in the company of someone you know isn’t right for you. Been there, done that. (((HUGS)))
Cheer up BL42. It could be worse...you could be me trying to pack up a house by myself on a beautiful Saturday evening. Kidding...kinda. I know that feeling well. Do not worry. It will pass. I sometimes feel that way as well. I just try to focus on being really good company for myself. I eat something I like. Watch a movie no one else would want to watch. Take my dog for a walk and listen to music in my headphones. Watch some self-improvement videos on YouTube. It passes the time. Hang in there. If there is anything that I’ve learned in the last three years, it is that change is constant. Worse than being by yourself...being in the company of someone you know isn’t right for you. Been there, done that. (((HUGS)))
DejaVu6 nailed it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
DejaVu6 / SteveLW - Thanks. Guess I was having a pity party for myself last night. Just feeling sad and lonely and drank a bottle of wine by myself.
Today was a lot better. Finally got a contractor over to do some house improvements which I've been waiting on for awhile, and also went to play golf with good friends, played well and really enjoyed myself. Unfortunately D2 told me this evening at change-over she swam in the pool with OM2 this weekend, and that got me a bit angry inside, but overall it was a good day.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
There have been significant developments in the month since my last substantive update...
The financial negotiations ramped up ahead of our trial date. It seems no one (judge, lawyers, plaintiff, or defendant) actually wants a trial. Negotiations were a major stressor between caring for the kids, focusing on a major work assignment, and reviewing the two dozen page documents and back/forth of negotiations...it was a lot. Also, I'm meticulous and was analyzing everything and hoping in my head things closed out my way. However, the open issues to address at that point were narrow and it was in everyone's interest to come to an agreement and avoid trial.
In the end, although I never wanted divorce and my family to break up, I faired very favorably in the agreement...
Custody - Most importantly, 50/50 custody with no primary residence and successfully negotiated a "right of first refusal" so that the kids can't be dumped off to non-family members without the me having a chance to be with them instead. In practical terms this applies to the nights and I see my children significantly more than her due to before/after school and every Friday (regardless of who's week it is) as well as vacations over her time.
Spousal Support - Waived. She was entitled to some, but based on the relatively short (7 years) of marriage and both of us having an income it wouldn't have been substantial or long-running.
Child Support - Unfortunately our state is very unfair to me, but the law is the law. Despite having 50% nights and my caring for the the kids significantly more during the days, I have to pay her a consequential amount for the next 15-18 years, simply because I earn more. However, we did get a deviation from the presumptive amount, and my attorney says I got a "good deal", at least based on current law.
Financial Assets - I'm coming out with roughly 85% of the assets. Fortunately for me we reside in an "equitable" not "equal" distribution state. I proved a significant amount of pre-martial assets (which are taken off the top before the rest is split) whereas she was in debt...so I leave with most of the money. She got a slightly better deal on her car and house, but I won big-time on valuation of my house, last year's taxes, 401k, bank accounts...etc. Feeling confident my L and I crushed it in the negotiations (not sure if she even realizes it to be honest).
Emotionally the process was draining. I had a breakdown when reading over the settlement proposal for the first time. In the months prior I had been quite strong and loving life, but think the finality of it really hit me. Reading the document I started tearing up and went to the bedroom to lie down and cry. It was a cathartic release. Unfortunately I had to toughen up because it came no long before S6 needed to be picked up from school for the day. But definitely reflected on all the pain and destruction of W's affairs and the divorce process. It's sad. She must have such internal turmoil from her upbringing to cause all this pain to her husband and children. For my part, I'm just doing my best to work through it and move forward.
GAL - Started a 13-session religious-based separation/divorce support group program to discuss various topics (anger, depression, loneliness, dating, finances...etc.), so hopefully that'll be helpful, though my observation of the first week is that most folks are struggling more than me. I also started playing in an adult soccer league now with co-workers, which is good for GAL and exercise, though we're a bit older than some of the "kids" running around the field LOL. And of course still coaching S6's soccer and baseball teams. I'm also thinking of going back for my Master's degree online (starting one course in the Fall semester) as my employer will pay the cost, but want to make sure I can balance everything and keep the kids my priority. Also may tip my toes into the dating pool this Summer.
In terms of the actual legal process, we're not technically divorced yet. We both signed the settlement agreement, the judge cancelled the trial, and W's attorney filed the paperwork today. Next step is for the judge to review everything and sign off. That will probably be in the next week or two. At that point I will be officially divorced.
Of course we'll still 18 more years of child rearing to navigate together...
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
As the husband of a wife that is the child of divorced parents.... You'll be linked to her for the rest of your life. Unless you're not going to attend your kids graduations, weddings, grand children's events.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Completely understandable emotions BL, but you sound like you’re doing well. None of what you have described you’re feeling is abnormal. Yes you’re struggling a bit at times but you’ve got a pretty good handle on what is likely to be the toughest thing you’ll ever go through. Stay strong mate, you got this.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
As with other days when our feelings are a tempest, this too shall pass. Be kind to yourself while you’re feeling this way. Think towards non-alcoholic comfort foods and beverages, maybe a workout.
