Now here is where I fail. I have a problem where I look for the approval of others. I am not good with people thinking I'm a jerk - that's where I get looped in.
one of my massive downfalls is the search for the approval of others. It is an easy way for me to be manipulated and its not something that is easy for me to turn off.
Scotty B, I could have written this. This is the main thing I have really worked on changing over the last 6 or so months and I was in a situation last night where I had the opportunity to test myself and I passed with flying colours. And I felt amazing to take that ownership over my life and not let my worry about what other though or wanted to affect me.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
My advice, call her tonight and decisively tell her in no uncertain terms that is over. Do not make excuses. Do not beat around the bush.
I would not initiate contact. If she contacts you, politely state this "I believe it is best if we ________"
You can fill in the blank.
Do not justify your answer. Listen to her and validate. Then follow through with whatever your blank is.
I believe in this case, since it has lingered on for days/weeks, he needs to be decisive, proactive, and put aside his NGS. Call her. Tell her. Stick to it. Listen and validate when she objects. But end the call with her knowing in no uncertain terms that it is over.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I called her, she accused me of being an unfeeling narcissist and she questioned my integrity in the relationship. She said I obviously didn't have the feelings I said I had or I wouldn't have just let go. I explained my perspective and said that I wasn't interested in being talked down to with contempt, that I was not interested in passive aggressive tactics and criticism and that I wanted someone that understood how to validate my feelings as opposed to playing devils advocate or telling me why I was wrong.
I think the antics from the previous week were actually a way for her to reposition things so that she would have the upper hand
I do need to continue to work on validation and at some point I’ll reread the book “The Art of Listenning”. I put the Brene Brown book in my amazon shopping cart to consider in the future.
Scotty, two signs this is not a good fit for you, the huge drama so soon (who needs that) and you ascribing sinister motives to her actions (low goodwill). I like that you mention looking into empathy again. I can almost guarantee she wasn’t thinking, “Hahaha! I will get the upper hand this way.” unless you were a terrible judge of character getting into this relationship. Whatever you decide, try to be curious about where others are coming from, and when they call you upset, try to practice validation and/or active listening to hear them out before explaining your perspective. Unless they’re abusive or you’re certain the relationship is a no-go. Then hang up. No need to explain anything then. My read is she’s higher drama than usual, but you may be inserting some drama into the situation yourself.
Scotty, it does come across narcissistic when you are concerned about others thinking you are a jerk.
The only person who needs to think you are not a jerk is YOU
As usual, Ginger is dead on with this. Headshot!
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by ScottyB
I called her, she accused me of being an unfeeling narcissist and she questioned my integrity in the relationship. She said I obviously didn't have the feelings I said I had or I wouldn't have just let go. I explained my perspective and said that I wasn't interested in being talked down to with contempt, that I was not interested in passive aggressive tactics and criticism and that I wanted someone that understood how to validate my feelings as opposed to playing devils advocate or telling me why I was wrong.
I think the antics from the previous week were actually a way for her to reposition things so that she would have the upper hand
I do need to continue to work on validation and at some point I’ll reread the book “The Art of Listenning”. I put the Brene Brown book in my amazon shopping cart to consider in the future.
Scotty, two signs this is not a good fit for you, the huge drama so soon (who needs that) and you ascribing sinister motives to her actions (low goodwill). I like that you mention looking into empathy again. I can almost guarantee she wasn’t thinking, “Hahaha! I will get the upper hand this way.” unless you were a terrible judge of character getting into this relationship. Whatever you decide, try to be curious about where others are coming from, and when they call you upset, try to practice validation and/or active listening to hear them out before explaining your perspective. Unless they’re abusive or you’re certain the relationship is a no-go. Then hang up. No need to explain anything then. My read is she’s higher drama than usual, but you may be inserting some drama into the situation yourself.
Good observations by CW! I do want to poke on one thing you touched on:
"I can almost guarantee she wasn’t thinking, “Hahaha! I will get the upper hand this way.” unless you were a terrible judge of character getting into this relationship."
Based on Scott's admission to being a bad judge of character with his STBXW, I think there is a chance he is right aobut this. Another reason NOT to date this soon. Broken attracts broken.
Scott, when will you know you are not broken anymore? When you can be happy and fulfilled alone without a SO in your life for a very good amount of time: 6 months minimum....2 years better.
I didn't do a lot right in my pre-married days, but one of the things I did outstandingly well was know my own worth. I was happy to be alone and unattached rather than be unhappy and attached to the wrong person. The pre-marriage Steven would have seen all this drama as a huge neon sign saying EXIT STAGE LEFT. Now admittedly I didn't always exit the stage in the appropriate manner (my NGS had me go camouflaged and ghost the poor girl!) But at least I was secure enough in myself to end it before it could get worse. (My long term, on again, off again exGF being the one HUGE exception.....and that is one of my biggest regrets in life!)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My advice, call her tonight and decisively tell her in no uncertain terms that is over. Do not make excuses. Do not beat around the bush.
I would not initiate contact. If she contacts you, politely state this "I believe it is best if we ________"
You can fill in the blank.
Do not justify your answer. Listen to her and validate. Then follow through with whatever your blank is.
This reminds me of something I read about being assertive as opposed to passive or aggressive - I think i can fall to passive.
Assertive: Be Firm, deliver the message clearly, use I statements, be a broken record (say "no thank you" and then keep saying it over and over and over), and have good boundaries.
Things are going well. The last girl I was dating is officially over as of now, which is a good thing. I've got a fishing trip coming up the weekend of June 11th, which I'm looking forward to. I am also hosting a party for July 4th which is going to be awesome. I'm hoping to get a significant enough crowd that I can get a keg. Nothing says good party like a keg of beer in my opinion, haha.
Divorce wise, everything is in her court so I'm not sure what their counter offer will look like or if they will just accept the offer we made.
Dating wise, I've slowed that way down because I'm busy and just ended that other relationship. I'm also kind of enjoying my nights to myself at the moment. My son has baseball nearly every other night so I've always got something going on, so a night or two to myself is actually kind of nice and they go fast.
I'd say overall everything is going well. I still feel a deep sadness and I recognize that I miss the family I had, not her so much - but I assume time will help process that.
