WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (3)

[BL42]

OnlyBent,

A week on BL, how you feeling about the D and everything?

Appreciate you checking in! I had an emotional release for a day or two with the finality of the divorce process but then reverted back to my "new normal" of the last six months, which overall is pretty good.

I've heard it said that if something really good happens (i.e., win the lottery) you're up on a high for a bit and if something really bad happens (i.e., death in the family) you're on a low, but eventually people revert to their previous state of happiness. I think that's happening to me...6 months post-BD was really rough but over the subsequent 6-9 months I've slowly been coming back up to my previously happy/confident self. Not sure if that means my Ex-W will come down from her "high" from the new men and divorce freedom back down to her previously state of unhappiness and internal turmoil, but also suppose that's not my concern anymore either.

I have done a good bit in the last week and a half...

• Home Improvements - Found a painter to update half the house, refreshing the place and making the colors my own.
• Separation/Divorce Support Group - Started a religious-based support group with 13 bi-weekly sessions on relevant topics (depression, anger, loneliness, parenting, finances, dating...etc.)
• Adult Soccer League - 4 games in. We're definitely the older" team and get run ragged around the field, but it's good exercise / GAL.
• Coaching S6's sports teams - Great two baseball games this weekend to close out the season, bought the kids ice cream, and gave out trophies. Two more soccer sessions left this season. It's been a blast coaching S6 and the other kids, so I'll likely return to it next year, but will also enjoy more free evenings this Summer.
• Master's Degree - Applied to graduate school last week, to start in late August. My company will pay the tuition/fees/books so I figured try one class in the Fall semester and see how it goes. Just want to be mindful of balancing it on top of kids and work.
• Online Dating - I'm happy/proud of fulfilling my commitment (to myself and my kids) not to date before the D finalized, but figured it was time start exploring what's out there and do signed up for two services, and...yikes! Can not believe the percentage of women covered in tattoos and multiple nose rings. Nose rings must be a new trend? I guess my personal taste is a bit more traditional/conservative LOL. I "swiped left" about 90 percent of the time and have barely matched with anyone. Not worried about it though...there's plenty of time for that.

Also wrote a fairly big check to Ex-W to settle on the division of assets (house, vehicles...etc.). Not fun, but did get best of her in the divorce negotiations so not too worried about it either...guess that's the price of freedom! We have to work out the retirement fund transactions and then "that's that".

[SteveLW]

BL, great update! Onward and upward.

I would avoid the "swipe left, swipe right" sort of apps. Look into something more along your lines. There are Christian-based dating services, I'd look into them.

P.S. I try not to judge people, but the piercings and tattoos are out of hand! LOL I got a shoulder tattoo in my youth and have regretted it for the last 20 years. Adds nothing to my life!

[LH19]

Not sure if that means my Ex-W will come down from her "high" from the new men and divorce freedom back down to her previously state of unhappiness and internal turmoil, but also suppose that's not my concern anymore either.

This is likely going to happen but if she doesn't do the inner work she will just go out and look for another high. I think it is going to take a really, really long time for your EXW to reflect on what she has done.

[*]Online Dating - I'm happy/proud of fulfilling my commitment (to myself and my kids) not to date before the D finalized, but figured it was time start exploring what's out there and do signed up for two services, and...yikes! Can not believe the percentage of women covered in tattoos and multiple nose rings. Nose rings must be a new trend? I guess my personal taste is a bit more traditional/conservative LOL. I "swiped left" about 90 percent of the time and have barely matched with anyone. Not worried about it though...there's plenty of time for that.
[/list]

Probably too early for you to be dating and Ginger is going to come by and chew you out. one year minimum after D. Because you are so young I would wait maybe two. So I recently read an article that the average man swipes right on one out of every ten so you are right on pace. The average woman swipes on one out of every 200. That's why you are not seeing a lot of matches.

I would avoid the "swipe left, swipe right" sort of apps. Look into something more along your lines. There are Christian-based dating services, I'd look into them.

Totally disagree! There is nothing wrong with this apps as long as you keep your expectations at zero.

P.S. I try not to judge people

Spit my coffee all over my computer. Thanks Steve!

[wayfarer]

In a shocking twist of fate I agree with literally every LH just said. Including and especially about the dating stuff. His swipe stats are on the money. And would you really want to match with dozens of women. Isn't it easier to match with only a few at a time?

Also I do agree that if you can wait a little longer wait to date. If I had waited longer to date after my first MR collapsed I probably wouldn't have been in the position I was in my second MR. Like attracts like. If you aren't fully healed, and fully whole you will attract/be attracted to the same. That makes things messy for everyone involved and now you have other people to concern yourself with while choose a mate. It doesn't matter if you plan to keep the kids out. Everybody does. But eventually both of your worlds have to collide and it's best if you're in one that has real potential to stick not just potential.

Last this is more a pile on than an agreement. You and I are around the same age so take this or leave it, but at our age the dating pool is tenuous at best. Your choices are baggage with kids, baggage without kids and more baggage but with a side of bat crap crazy. The goal at this point in life is to find you're self a lovely matching set of luggage. But I digress. Yes, everyone has a right to have preferences, but dating especially when you're getting back into it should be exactly that, dating. Literally going on dates with different people. You have to figure out how to do this again. You have to figure out you again. It's good to broaden your horizons and if you're lucky if that chemistry isn't there in person maybe you meet a person or two or three who can introduce you to a new group of people or activities or places. It's fine if you're not looking for a lady so tatted and pierced her only employability is clearly doing said tattoos or piercings but you might need to reassess your standards on the outside packaging and try something different. Like a sampler or a flight per se. A couple you know you like, a couple of something new because you might like them. I'm body modification-less (well now, all my teenage piercings are gone) but ladies in my circle run the gamut with body modification and everyone of them are hard working, intelligent, empathetic, great moms, and fun loving people. Their tattoos effect very little of who they are as a person and what they like to do for fun. Take this as the same amount of bagging that people would do with CW when he was stuck in the concept that a perfect mate must have the same fitness level and interests. Sometimes it's best to reassess and maybe redefine your check list.


Off topic:
* Nose rings are not a new trend, I guess maybe septum piercings are more popular than they used to be but nose piercings have been incredibly common in women since the 90s.

**Steve I know plenty of Christians with giant crosses on their calves (men typically) and scripture all over their body (that's genderless). Every youth pastor I've met in the last 25 years has been tatted up. I don't know that "Christian" dating sites are going to make any difference in body modification

***I was told that people in their 30s should have their age range 5 years younger and 5 years older to widen their pool with people that have actual common interests and lifestyles. Men have a tendency to go 10 years downward. And women have a tendency to only go about 2ish years in either direction, or only 5 years upward.

[SteveLW]

**Steve I know plenty of Christians with giant crosses on their calves (men typically) and scripture all over their body (that's genderless). Every youth pastor I've met in the last 25 years has been tatted up. I don't know that "Christian" dating sites are going to make any difference in body modification

wf, I wasn't talking about a tattoo or two (I don't think BL was either). I just admitted that I, probably the most conservative Christian on this site!, has one. What I am talking about is massive tattoos, or several piercings. For me, and think this is where BL was going, it is a turn-off. I am sure some of the women with full tattoo sleeves, or even neck and face tattoos are wonderful people, and great moms, employees, etc. But if were BL, I would too be turned off by overt, large, or too many tattoos (or in the wrong places). Not a knock on who they are as a person, just a personal preference. Just like I am sure if I were in the dating pool, plenty of women in my age range would swipe left (or is it right, I've never used one of those apps) on me due to being shaved bald! It isn't a knock on me as person, father, employee....it is just that a lot of women prefer a man with a head of hair. -shrug-

BL, as I stated, if the "popular" apps aren't doing it I know several couples personally that met through the other sites (Christian-based as mentioned) and they have had long lasting Rs (and marriages). There are options was my point!

I also disagree with the others on it being too soon. You waited until the D was final. That is about a year after most people around here! LOL

[Traveler]

His swipe stats are on the money. And would you really want to match with dozens of women. Isn't it easier to match with only a few at a time?

Wise words to take care not to match too many at once! I got enough matches for a month of dates in 20 minutes swiping right on 33% of women--but unwisely continued for 45 minutes. Limiting swiping time is the easiest way to control how many matches are incoming. It can take a few days for a swipe to become a match, and it's easy to become overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with matches isn't good--it ends up becoming work to reply, or you're their slowest match to reply, or you send cookie-cutter replies. These work against getting to know the real people behind the matches and get out on dates.

[Traveler]

Can not believe the percentage of women covered in tattoos and multiple nose rings. Nose rings must be a new trend? I guess my personal taste is a bit more traditional/conservative LOL. I "swiped left" about 90 percent of the time and have barely matched with anyone. Not worried about it though...there's plenty of time for that.

I agree with wayfarer's timeline that nose rings became common in the 90s.

Some of this is location-dependent--I could rule out visible tattoos and wouldn't lose a single match. I'm in an urban area where ink would limit your employment options. Many women do have tattoos in places only seen by themself and lovers or maybe at beaches. I remember when our receptionist got one. She rolled up her shirt to show-off her lower back, but asked me not to let the boss know. (:

It's totally fine to have must-haves and can't-stands. You don't get to mail-order people, though, so if the 3 kindest, most loyal, most faithful partners in your area have nose piercings are you okay ruling them out for this preference? Do consider if you have any stereotypes or baggage, e.g., "Women with nose piercings are xxx". I used to next women for wearing high heels and makeup on dates as an indicator they weren't outdoorsy. That was silly! Being turned off by thick makeup is totally fine, though.

[LH19]

In a shocking twist of fate I agree with literally every LH just said.

Love is in the air lol!

[Ready2Change]

It's good to broaden your horizons....you might need to reassess your standards on the outside packaging and try something different.

Wise words.

I intentionally did not do the OLD thing. I went out interacting with all kinds of people IRL. I was 40 back then. I met some interesting women outside my "Age range". If I had limited my "filter", I most likely would not have met my lady. The top two traits I was looking for was honesty and openness.

[BL42]

Tattoos - Allow me to clarify a bit...SteveLW actually nailed it (from my perspective). While I don't personally have any, I'm also not against tattoos as a rule either. In fact my Ex-W had/has a few and I actually found them quite sexy and attractive. However, hers while big were mostly covered up areas which didn't typically display prominently in work/social settings. What I've seen so far on the dating apps is an aggressive number all over the body/face/head in addition to multiple nose piercing including the kind that you'd think of a bull. I'm talking 30-40% of the profiles, maybe more. I'm not judging them as people and don't have anything against those women personally - they could be very nice - but it's certainly not an attraction point for for me, and surprised me a bit.

Dating Readiness - I'm a bit conflicted. I do get the sense, as LH and wayfarer recommended, that I'm not quite ready yet. While I'm past the point of sadness/depression or wanting any sort of reconciliation, the anger is hitting me at times so that won't be an attractive feature and I certainly need to process through it more. On the other hand, it has been 16 months since BD, nearly a year since Ex-W moved out, and to SteveLw's point I waited for the divorce process to complete. I've been patient and self-disciplined in that area, so am interested in exploring what's out there and intrigued by a Summer romance with everything opening up COVID-wise. I do want to be mindful not to just jump into anything and keep the kids my #1 priority.

Dating Apps / Pool - I live in a small (maybe mid) sized area. It's not a tiny rural town but it's also not a major hub of growth with endless singles either. Maybe I'm wrong, but not sure the dating pool is massive like it is in larger areas. I'm not expecting 30 dates in 20mins of swiping CWarrior LOL. I think of myself as a pretty good catch: good looking, decent shape, excellent father, strong finances, great career...etc. but also recognize the (recent) divorce and two young children will (understandably) not be many potential matches' cup of tea. Also, I work from home in a traditionally older/white/male industry so not meeting women and singles that way. So...I'm trying the "swipe right/left" apps but not expecting all that much there, especially after the past week. If anything swiping 9 out of 10 is me broadening the pool. The more target apps (like Christian ones) would have even more limited pools in my area SteveLW. In terms of networking, my main goal in volunteering to coach sports was to bond with my son, but a side benefit has been expanding my network in the community. So who knows where connections made might lead. Also not overly worried about it at this point. To LH and wayfarer's point, it won't be the worse thing to go slower.