I wonder what you would say to me if I wrote that my XH was mad at me for not helping him move out of my house? And that he said I was an ay hole for not building furniture...and that the reason he is moving out is because he cheated on me and dropped a bomb on me a year ago?
What would you tell me?
I hear you loud and clear. I had a session with my counselor and as I was saying out loud all the things that she wants me to do, all the things she's done over the past year, and all I've gone thru I just laughed at the idea of helping her. I just need to keep all that in mind and not feel sorry or fall for the guilt trips.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
I understand keeping the peace, especially when she's almost gone, but something I think to myself when XH would go through the cycle of charm/anger/blame with me was "you have no power here, Gandolf" and it helped.
I like that. I've noticed of late when she yells or gets mad or sends nasty texts I am able to brush it off and not take it personally like I used to. I don't engage (for the most part) which of course makes her more angry.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
I like the idea of picking your battles, and helping her move is certainly your choice, but as soon as she's out, you are going to have to really hold tight to your boundaries because she will use the heck out of you if you don't (ask me how I know). : /
Thank you for reminder. Having these boundaries is new for me and uncomfortable at times, but I am enjoying the freedom they give. I keep thinking about the quote that goes along the lines of "the people who are most angry when you enforce your boundaries are the ones who benefited the most from you not having any." Keeping that in mind helps.
Hey SD, good to see you back and posting. I can really empathise with what you're going through mate, none of this is easier but you sound like you're doing ok.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
It's so true. She's so angry right now and I'm saying "this is what you've been wanting all along!"But somehow I am now the one who is destroying the family. lol.
I got this as well, I've been getting anger fairly consistently for the last 12 months. She complained to me once how hard it was moving out, how she left her beautiful home and all her nice things and didn't get to see S4 all the time. I responded that this was what she wanted and it was like a volcano of anger, how dare you blame me for this, blah blah blah. Despite her making me promise that our family was the most important thing and to that I would never let anyone or anything come between the 3 of us, she blames me that we can't still be a close famliy.
I figure it must just be easier to blame someone else rather than take responsibility. Its hard but I guess you just have to see it for what it is. It isn't personal, its just them finding an excuse to not be culpable for the destruction they have caused.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
She literally said she was having second thoughts in our session, but I think it is more that reality is setting in.
SD think actions not words. Are buying a house, packing and moving out signs of someone having second thoughts. Interesting you would after all this time listen to words.
Hi SaltyDog, I agree with LH that buying a new house and moving into it don't seem like indicators of someone having second doubts. They seem more like indicators of someone trying to guilt trip you into more help. You are free to help as little or as much as you like. Personally, I have let most ex's do their own moving, but I'm not opposed to helping them packup or get their things onto a truck if it expedites getting my place clear of their things. Glad you are doing well, Salty. (:
She literally said she was having second thoughts in our session, but I think it is more that reality is setting in.
SD think actions not words. Are buying a house, packing and moving out signs of someone having second thoughts. Interesting you would after all this time listen to words.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi SaltyDog, I agree with LH that buying a new house and moving into it don't seem like indicators of someone having second doubts. They seem more like indicators of someone trying to guilt trip you into more help. You are free to help as little or as much as you like. Personally, I have let most ex's do their own moving, but I'm not opposed to helping them packup or get their things onto a truck if it expedites getting my place clear of their things. Glad you are doing well, Salty. (:
It's possible to have second thoughts about a decision yet continue the actions which take you down a particular path. That's life. In anything, not just a D, people have to make decisions and aren't always confident they're choosing correctly...but that also doesn't mean they go back the other way. Could be lying or a guilt trip for help, but also completely possible is she having second thoughts yet is and will continue to move out and towards D.
