BL, you've got this. Great head on your shoulders, good sense of self worth. Know what you're looking for. I have no doubts that if and when you're ready for MR 2.0 it has a great chance at being for life. Keep up the awesome work!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for the update BL, sounds like you're doing well. I respect how you have gone about things.
Originally Posted by BL42
Appreciate you checking in! I had an emotional release for a day or two with the finality of the divorce process but then reverted back to my "new normal" of the last six months, which overall is pretty good.
From my experience so far, and others here, this sounds completely normal and likely to continue on for a while.
Originally Posted by BL42
I've heard it said that if something really good happens (i.e., win the lottery) you're up on a high for a bit and if something really bad happens (i.e., death in the family) you're on a low, but eventually people revert to their previous state of happiness. I think that's happening to me...6 months post-BD was really rough but over the subsequent 6-9 months I've slowly been coming back up to my previously happy/confident self. Not sure if that means my Ex-W will come down from her "high" from the new men and divorce freedom back down to her previously state of unhappiness and internal turmoil, but also suppose that's not my concern anymore either.
Interesting comment here BL, I am feeling the same as well. Whilst my M wasn't amazing, far from it, I was still a pretty happy and confident person. STBXW was not. I've said it before, our sitch's are as similar as can be despite being on opposite sides of the world. Will be interesting to see how it plays out.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
This is likely going to happen but if she doesn't do the inner work she will just go out and look for another high. I think it is going to take a really, really long time for your EXW to reflect on what she has done.
Really, really long time may very well be never I'd say
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
The reason I say that is because you Ws are really young. I think a woman in her late 30s and early 40s is going through a midlife transition. I think it takes people to get into there 50s to really reflect on the mistakes they made in their lives. I have a friend who is 52 who is going through this right now. He’s really been reflecting on where he went wrong.
Also you are right there may be no regrets. But like Wayfarer points out, all straight men are selfish and self centered so it’s likely she’s just trading problems for more problems due to the baggage other people bring with them.
The reason I say that is because you Ws are really young. I think a woman in her late 30s and early 40s is going through a midlife transition. I think it takes people to get into there 50s to really reflect on the mistakes they made in their lives. I have a friend who is 52 who is going through this right now. He’s really been reflecting on where he went wrong.
Well this makes me really grateful that at 38/39 I am going through this process of reflection now and owning my mistakes.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
BL, you've got this. Great head on your shoulders, good sense of self worth. Know what you're looking for. I have no doubts that if and when you're ready for MR 2.0 it has a great chance at being for life. Keep up the awesome work!
Thanks SteveLW!
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Originally Posted by LH19
This is likely going to happen but if she doesn't do the inner work she will just go out and look for another high. I think it is going to take a really, really long time for your EXW to reflect on what she has done.
Really, really long time may very well be never I'd say
Originally Posted by LH19
The reason I say that is because you Ws are really young. I think a woman in her late 30s and early 40s is going through a midlife transition. I think it takes people to get into there 50s to really reflect on the mistakes they made in their lives. I have a friend who is 52 who is going through this right now. He’s really been reflecting on where he went wrong.
LH19/OnlyBent - I think you're right it's going to be a really, really long time for any self reflection or remorse (if ever). So far it's seemingly been a locomotive full steam ahead since BD and certainly since physical separation/D. There's been ZERO looking back or wavering, at least outwardly.
I was talking to a friend (used to be mutual friend w/W) whose sister was doing the same thing (affair w/co-worker, followed by a different boyfriend and divorce) to her husband / my friend's brother-in-law at the same time of my sitch. Their mom did the same thing to her dad (as my ex-M-I-L did to my ex-F-I-L). Their family actually staged an intervention with her sister having both parents saying how they regret the affair and divorce, wish they had stayed together, and recommended she stop. Of course, the intervention didn't help.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Yesterday I was outside working on the house and playing with S6 and D2 when a neighbor I only know casually walked by with his dog and two sons. Our kids started playing together so he & I strike up a conversation.
At one point he asked me if I was separated or divorced. I guess he's seen me around quite a bit with the kids but no sign of their mom. I wasn't offended or anything and just responded casually, "yes, recently". He followed up and asked: "Do you have full custody? Because it seems like they're ALWAYS with you.", so I just chuckled and said "Well, not on officially paper but in practice close to it".
Anyway...my neighbor goes on to tell me 3 years ago he and his W actually got legally divorced and very recently re-married. They had issues and stress when the kids were young / he was traveling for work, separated and went through the entire divorced process, then a few years rekindle things and married again.
Now, I'm not trying to apply this to my own situation or even use it as "hope" for an R w/my Ex - that's that ship as sailed in my mind - but I did find it quite interesting, and thought I'd share it with the board. Post-D recons do happen; I now know of a real-life tangible example. Maybe it'll give some folks reading this post hope for their own sitch...
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
He followed up and asked: "Do you have full custody? Because it seems like they're ALWAYS with you.", so I just chuckled and said "Well, not on officially paper but in practice close to it".
This must have felt great BL, like recognition for all the hard work and focus you have been putting into your kids, props my man (not that this is why you do it)!
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
I bought a new bedroom set post-separation and just sold my previous dresser through an online marketplace. The guy who shows up tells me he just got divorced and needs furniture for his kids. I didn't dig on circumstance or details out of respect to his situation, but curiosity got the best of me afterwards...based on his online profile he was married 9 years to a beautiful woman, and they have a 7yo daughter and 5yo son. Now, I admittedly know very little to nothing about them and their lives, but they certainly seem nice and normal from the pictures, so it made me wonder why they (like so many of us here) weren't able to work through their issues and stay together. Wouldn't that have been better for them (and many of us) in the long run?
Anyway, these situations seem so rampant - what a messed up world we live in.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I bought a new bedroom set post-separation and just sold my previous dresser through an online marketplace. The guy who shows up tells me he just got divorced and needs furniture for his kids. I didn't dig on circumstance or details out of respect to his situation, but curiosity got the best of me afterwards...based on his online profile he was married 9 years to a beautiful woman, and they have a 7yo daughter and 5yo son. Now, I admittedly know very little to nothing about them and their lives, but they certainly seem nice and normal from the pictures, so it made me wonder why they (like so many of us here) weren't able to work through their issues and stay together. Wouldn't that have been better for them (and many of us) in the long run?
Anyway, these situations seem so rampant - what a messed up world we live in.
I have a lot of personal beliefs on why this is so common, but that is for another forum and another time. But yes, it is way too common these days!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
