WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont8.)

[SteveLW]

Things are going well. The last girl I was dating is officially over as of now, which is a good thing. I've got a fishing trip coming up the weekend of June 11th, which I'm looking forward to. I am also hosting a party for July 4th which is going to be awesome. I'm hoping to get a significant enough crowd that I can get a keg.
Nothing says good party like a keg of beer in my opinion, haha.

Divorce wise, everything is in her court so I'm not sure what their counter offer will look like or if they will just accept the offer we made.

Dating wise, I've slowed that way down because I'm busy and just ended that other relationship. I'm also kind of enjoying my nights to myself at the moment. My son has baseball nearly every other night so I've always got something going on, so a night or two to myself is actually kind of nice and they go fast.

I'd say overall everything is going well. I still feel a deep sadness and I recognize that I miss the family I had, not her so much - but I assume time will help process that.

Have a good weekend folks.

Great work Scott! Onward and upward.

[Traveler]

Yes, very positive update, Scott! Nothing to critique here. Keep rocking. (:

[ScottB]

I still feel a deep sadness and I recognize that I miss the family I had, not her so much - but I assume time will help process that.

This is normal and will be with you from time to time. I would say if you didn't miss the family you had then what was the four year fight for?

Damn. This was so true it made me tear up a little. Good point.

[ScottB]

Life is off the charts busy, and not in a good way. I've been on the run since Thursday night.
Work dinner, led to an early breakfast, which led to five insanely busy days with the kids. Its good stuff but I've had no time for myself, I've missed a couple of workouts, struggling to find time to mow the lawn, get to the grocery, and get the sleep I want.

Today I asked my parents for help so they're running the kids to the two camps they have so I can work. This summer I'm taking half days on the Monday's I have the kids and the 5 fridays I have them I'm just taking those off.

This weekend I'm heading to FL to go fishing with my best friend.

And then the following weekend my son had a baseball tournament get canceled so I asked them if they would like to go to Naples and hang on the beach and they were all for it - so I'll be heading back there soon after. Hopefully I can find time to relax on those trips or this next week - I'm running myself into the ground a bit.

Camps will be done this week and so will soccer tryouts for next year; baseball is winding down as well. And then in July the kids will be gone for two weeks so its going to go from being crazy to really quiet, which will be a different kind of hard.

I continue to hear this and that from my brother in law. My ex is telling her family how abusive I was emotionally, which is freaking insanely absurd and hurts - but I need to focus on the things I can control, and she isn't one of them. Also, I'll rarely see those people - I just hope this doesn't trickle down to my kids and it wouldn't surprise me at all if her mom said something when they are around on purpose. Again, out of my control.

[LH19]

Scotty B,

Here is the thing Scotty B, I can promise you she is not lying and you were at some point emotionally abusive in the 20 years together. Did you know the silent treatment, being passive aggressive, gas lighting is being emotionally abusive?

Me either I thought it was normal. Saw my dad do it to my mom all the time. I’m not making excuses but us LBS we’re doing the best we could with the life experiences we had at the time. If you continue you this behavior in your next relationship then that’s on you. Scotty B you have read more books and have more coaches then anyone I know.

Right now your stbxw is going to remember all the bad things you did to justify leaving the marriage. Sounds like on paper she had a really good thing going so she is going to have to justify it even more.

This will change in time. Eventually she will remember the good more then the bad. That’s how our brains are hardwired.

I know there is going to be a time we I have to own up to my kids that I should have treated there mother better. I should have validated her feelings better and respected her opinion more. But I also am going to let them know that I never gave up on us as a family and did everything in my power to keep us together. That I feel really good about.

[Traveler]

I continue to hear this and that from my brother in law. My ex is telling her family how abusive I was emotionally, which is freaking insanely absurd and hurts

I'm with LH. Most people have been emotionally abusive, sexist, racist, to some degree especially looking to the past. We're humanely imperfect and if we strive to better ourselves we weren't as good 5-10yrs ago. Learn what you can from any examples provided. Know your value as a human and partner isn't entirely defined by those, but your value as a human and partner in the future could be enhanced by reducing any negative behaviors. Maybe she's crazy, but the last person who vented 3 wrong with me, I learned from 2 of them even as I disagreed with her assessment. (:

[Traveler]

For comparison, I'd gone on a road trip with a new friend for a planned hike. Upon arriving, she wanted to nap in the campground instead. I opted to hike solo. She said I was 1. An extremely selfish person for going on the hike and not considering her feelings, 2. I'd promised breakfast and a greek yogurt parfait is not breakfast; it's not even warm! 3. My car was disgusting, and she secretly wiped anything she touched.

My takeaways?
1. Go me, for valuing myself enough to go for my hike!
2. Next time, when I offer food, be clearer about the nature of said food.
3. A wash and vacuum weren't enough. My car needed a detail! Detailing of my car complete.

There are often lessons to learn from angry feedback, even if you don't agree with their overall assessment.

[SteveLW]

Life is off the charts busy, and not in a good way. I've been on the run since Thursday night.
Work dinner, led to an early breakfast, which led to five insanely busy days with the kids. Its good stuff but I've had no time for myself, I've missed a couple of workouts, struggling to find time to mow the lawn, get to the grocery, and get the sleep I want.

Being busy is good! Even if not the "good" busy. Though not getting enough sleep isn't good! You can do that for short periods of time but eventually you have to find time to catch up.

Today I asked my parents for help so they're running the kids to the two camps they have so I can work. This summer I'm taking half days on the Monday's I have the kids and the 5 fridays I have them I'm just taking those off.

LOVE THIS!! Do not be afraid to rely on your support system.

This weekend I'm heading to FL to go fishing with my best friend.

Awesome! AWESOME! AWESOME! This makes all the "busy" worth it.

And then the following weekend my son had a baseball tournament get canceled so I asked them if they would like to go to Naples and hang on the beach and they were all for it - so I'll be heading back there soon after. Hopefully I can find time to relax on those trips or this next week - I'm running myself into the ground a bit.

More awesome!

Camps will be done this week and so will soccer tryouts for next year; baseball is winding down as well. And then in July the kids will be gone for two weeks so its going to go from being crazy to really quiet, which will be a different kind of hard.

Really quiet ain't bad. I really enjoy my really quiet time even though it is rare. I am an ambivert, so there are times when my introvert side takes over!

I continue to hear this and that from my brother in law. My ex is telling her family how abusive I was emotionally, which is freaking insanely absurd and hurts - but I need to focus on the things I can control, and she isn't one of them. Also, I'll rarely see those people - I just hope this doesn't trickle down to my kids and it wouldn't surprise me at all if her mom said something when they are around on purpose. Again, out of my control.

Your kids will know, if not now in the future, the difference between words (accusations) and actions (how they see you conduct yourself). This is why as father it is important to NOT give the other side ammo. This is one of the smaller reasons, but a reason none the less, that I advocate for LBSs NOT dating until the D is final. The WAS will use ANY excuse they can in order to justify their actions. Lots of LBSs have been burnt by dating before the D was final, having their WAS say to the kids "your date met someone new that is why we split" and the LBS was stuck holding the bag because the words (accusation) matched the actions (dating before the D was final).

But I like your attitude here, you cannot control her. Or her narrative. She is going to feel like a complete flake for what she did and she will try to deflect that flakiness to you. Your job is to show your kids that who their mother says you are IS NOT you. Not through words, but through being the best father and person that you can be!

You got this Scott! Your kids will know the real you is not the you she says you are.

[BL42]

ScottB,

Then over the next couple of days she continued to annoy me with texts...she continued to tell me how she could help me and how she could make me happy. I told her I needed time and the reality is I ended up confusing myself - which is where I am now.

Sounds like the opposite of us (LBS) and our WAS at BD. Interesting insight into the other side's perspective.

BL42: The process is brutal because its constant. You can be having a good day and then you get an email or call from one of the attorneys. I hate it. I just can’t wait until its over.

Indeed. It's an awful, soul-draining process. Hang in there!

I've got a fishing trip coming up the weekend of June 11th, which I'm looking forward to. I am also hosting a party for July 4th which is going to be awesome. I'm hoping to get a significant enough crowd that I can get a keg.
Nothing says good party like a keg of beer in my opinion, haha.

Sounds awesome! Enjoy!

Divorce wise, everything is in her court so I'm not sure what their counter offer will look like or if they will just accept the offer we made.

Waiting, not knowing when you'll hear back, and then out of the blue getting an email refuting items on which you were being completely reasonable and might be settled can be jarring. The process is awful. Brace yourself.

My son has baseball nearly every other night so I've always got something going on, so a night or two to myself is actually kind of nice and they go fast.

Kids sports are the best. Consider volunteering as coach - I've thoroughly enjoyed it and it's helped me bond with my son!

I'd say overall everything is going well. I still feel a deep sadness and I recognize that I miss the family I had, not her so much - but I assume time will help process that.

Yep. I understand that completely.

Life is off the charts busy, and not in a good way. I've been on the run since Thursday night.
Work dinner, led to an early breakfast, which led to five insanely busy days with the kids. Its good stuff but I've had no time for myself, I've missed a couple of workouts, struggling to find time to mow the lawn, get to the grocery, and get the sleep I want.

Today I asked my parents for help so they're running the kids to the two camps they have so I can work. This summer I'm taking half days on the Monday's I have the kids and the 5 fridays I have them I'm just taking those off.
...
Hopefully I can find time to relax on those trips or this next week - I'm running myself into the ground a bit.

I'm struggling here as well. I've been making my kids such the priority that sometimes it feels like I don't have any time to breath or to decompress myself. We're the rocks for our kids, which is wonderful, but as they say on the planes..."put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others".

I continue to hear this and that from my brother in law. My ex is telling her family how abusive I was emotionally, which is freaking insanely absurd and hurts - but I need to focus on the things I can control, and she isn't one of them. Also, I'll rarely see those people - I just hope this doesn't trickle down to my kids and it wouldn't surprise me at all if her mom said something when they are around on purpose. Again, out of my control.

You'd have to be pretty awful to justify everything she's doing...wouldn't you. I don't know your situation as well as mine, obviously, but I'm aware of all sorts of things my Ex-W is telling friends and family about what an awful guy I am. And I'm not. I wasn't perfect and there are certainly things I need to work on, but I'm confident it's more her trying to justify her actions than the other way around. Just work on yourself and be the best you can be and be confident in that. Try not to worry about what others are saying/thinking (it can be hard, I know).

Here is the thing Scotty B, I can promise you she is not lying and you were at some point emotionally abusive in the 20 years together. Did you know the silent treatment, being passive aggressive, gas lighting is being emotionally abusive?

Me either I thought it was normal. Saw my dad do it to my mom all the time. I’m not making excuses but us LBS we’re doing the best we could with the life experiences we had at the time. If you continue you this behavior in your next relationship then that’s on you. Scotty B you have read more books and have more coaches then anyone I know.

LH19 - Not sure I completely agree here. There is a difference between abusive and areas to work on, or at least degrees. No one's perfect, but is everyone necessarily abusive? Think the point is ScottyB's W might be exaggerating (or lying) to justify her actions to her friends and family and put herself in a better light.

Right now your stbxw is going to remember all the bad things you did to justify leaving the marriage. Sounds like on paper she had a really good thing going so she is going to have to justify it even more.

This will change in time. Eventually she will remember the good more then the bad. That’s how our brains are hardwired.

I know there is going to be a time we I have to own up to my kids that I should have treated there mother better. I should have validated her feelings better and respected her opinion more. But I also am going to let them know that I never gave up on us as a family and did everything in my power to keep us together. That I feel really good about.

LH19 - It'll be interesting to see this transpire. To your points in my thread, it likely will take a very long time. Definitely agree it's good to be able to tell your kids you did your best to fix the marriage and keep your family together.

[LH19]

Me either I thought it was normal. Saw my dad do it to my mom all the time. I’m not making excuses but us LBS we’re doing the best we could with the life experiences we had at the time. If you continue you this behavior in your next relationship then that’s on you. Scotty B you have read more books and have more coaches then anyone I know.

LH19 - Not sure I completely agree here. There is a difference between abusive and areas to work on, or at least degrees. No one's perfect, but is everyone necessarily abusive? Think the point is ScottyB's W might be exaggerating (or lying) to justify her actions to her friends and family and put herself in a better light.

Let me clarify what I was trying to convey. Scotty's Bs STBXW is telling everyone he was emotionally abusive. She is not lying I am sure he was because of the many different way's you can emotionally abuse someone. As I am sure she was emotionally abusive towards him. The point is for the LBS spouse to learn not to give the silent treatment, Gas Light and be passive aggressive in future relationships. I am not on her side just stating facts. I would think by now everyone would know I am not a fans of WS lol.

LH19 - It'll be interesting to see this transpire. To your points in my thread, it likely will take a very long time. Definitely agree it's good to be able to tell your kids you did your best to fix the marriage and keep your family together.

BL I can see the "fading Affect Bias" in my situation that started almost 7 years. Though I am not a fan of my exw for various reasons when I do think of our marriage I mostly think about the good times. The last three or four years together are very blurry to me I think because my brain blocks them out. The same will happen with your ex. Guarantee it!