Well here goes....

[SteveLW]

Great update. Good to hear from you. It sounds like good progress, so now is the time to double down on the DBing, not ease up. Lots of false starts when it comes to WASs, usually because the LBS is all to eager to accept then back open armed. Make him with for it.

I'm the meantime you double down on GAL, 180s, and being detached.

You've got this!

[Navarro]

Thank you so much for the response! I have seen it so easily today. I watched for days on this thread and saw nothing new. I guess I just assumed that it wasn�t seen or posted. I know I have a long way to go but things sure have my head spinning. I�ve never been at a loss for words but I am speechless. I�ve became so regular at what not to say that I�ve forgotten how to respond to him. He quoted again tonight in a message �I sure miss my old life� and �I would have never left to begin with if I hadn�t been hurting�. He�s made that same comment 3 times this week. Something is happening and it seems to be happening fast. He is beginning to hold some recognition and he�s also beginning to speak openly about it. He is becoming productive. These are things I�ve not seen in so so long. It�s like a switch has flipped. Not sure here it�s going but I am hopeful that I have a positive journey ahead. Thank you again for your responses. I will post more now that I know my posts are being seen 🤗. Thank you!!!

[SteveLW]

Remember, do not get over zealous. He's like a scared animal right now that is starting to trust being near you. But any sudden movements could send him running. He could also just be temp checking you now that your started DBing. Lots of LBSs will try to keep you from detaching, they don't like the loss of control feeling that gives them.

[Navarro]

Do they know deep inside which direction they are going? I get the feeling that he knows which direction he is going but he chooses not to tell me. I�ve often wondered if he�s not telling me because he wants me to wait here I til he is fully over me then he will cut me loose in the end. Another part of me feels like there�s no way he would waste so much energy with 300 texts a day if there wasn�t genuine effort? Some days I don�t even think about that stuff and other it replays in my head. Today is one of those days�.

[SteveLW]

Do they know deep inside which direction they are going?

Many do not. But it is unimportant. No matter what game he is or isn't playing, it doesn't change what you should be doing.

I get the feeling that he knows which direction he is going but he chooses not to tell me. I�ve often wondered if he�s not telling me because he wants me to wait here I til he is fully over me then he will cut me loose in the end.

I'll repeat: "No matter what game he is or isn't playing, it doesn't change what you should be doing."

Another part of me feels like there�s no way he would waste so much energy with 300 texts a day if there wasn�t genuine effort? Some days I don�t even think about that stuff and other it replays in my head. Today is one of those days�.

Navarro, you are looking for logic in your sitch to put importance on things. You cannot use logic with WASs in general, and especially WSs!! They are the most illogical creatures on planet Earth. His 300 texts a day might be genuine. Or it might be to get you to wait here until he is fully over you and then he will cut you loose.

The good news?

I repeat: No matter what game he is or isn't playing, it doesn't change what you should be doing.

Navarro, the emotional roller-coaster is a real thing that LBSs go through. That is what you are experiencing. But no matter what his intent is or isn't, you still focus on yourself, focus off of him. GAL as much as humanly possible. Keep becoming the person only a fool would leave (180s, self-improvements), and continue to work on being emotionally detached. He'll either want to R at some point, or he will continue to walkaway, you have no control over that. But DBing gives you the best chance.

[Ready2Change]

I watched for days on this thread and saw nothing new. I guess I just assumed that it wasn�t seen or posted.

I believe the moderators review your posts and then after a certain number of posts, you get off moderation and your posts will appear immediately.

[Navarro]

Ok I’m really bad at this! I can’t figure out how it takes me so long to see a response. I’m on here daily and I look all the time but somehow I can’t find them. Don’t give up on me!! I’m still here and I’m still trying to figure this out. Thank you so much for your kindness and responses.
I have an update!! A really good one to! So on my last thread I mentioned that he was beginning to mention a few things about seeing his life as “old and new”. Well since then I believe he has came forward a bit. My H has always been a man of few words so when he spoke anything at all that means more then what I can express. I was very confused in my last post and honestly I was a little down to. The last 4 weeks has brought new energy and a new hope to my world. He began opening up a lot more, expressed there had been no “other person throughout our entire separation, and that he wasn’t well or he would have never left to begin with. It was almost like a confession of sorts. Then reconnection with everything began!! He is showing affection towards me, he is becoming active in the community that he abandon so quickly in replay, he is speaking with influences and confidence, he’s quit drinking, and he told me……..He has tried to come home twice now!!! He has began to work on our place (something he hasn’t touched in 3 years, he is calling “my” house “our” home again, and I wake up every morning to I love you messages. Bam just like that! He is allowing me to have a bit more influence in his life. We have 2 children and in the beginning he chose one to spew towards (the one more like me) and the other was his side kick that did not wrong. He’s working towards reconnecting more with them both now and mending the gap with the one he turned away from. Has anyone ever heard of them doing that, picking one to draw closer to in the crisis? Anyway, I know I’m a long way from the finish line but I feel a lot closer then I was yesterday.

[97Hope]

I have an update!! A really good one to! So on my last thread I mentioned that he was beginning to mention a few things about seeing his life as “old and new”. Well since then I believe he has came forward a bit.

If you are emotionally stable and able to cope with this, then let him come forward a bit. Read "The Lighthouse" in the newcomer post.

My H has always been a man of few words so when he spoke anything at all that means more then what I can express. I was very confused in my last post and honestly I was a little down to. The last 4 weeks has brought new energy and a new hope to my world. He began opening up a lot more, expressed there had been no “other person throughout our entire separation, and that he wasn’t well or he would have never left to begin with.

Believe none of what they say.

It was almost like a confession of sorts. Then reconnection with everything began!! He is showing affection towards me, he is becoming active in the community that he abandon so quickly in replay, he is speaking with influences and confidence, he’s quit drinking, and he told me……..He has tried to come home twice now!!! He has began to work on our place (something he hasn’t touched in 3 years, he is calling “my” house “our” home again, and I wake up every morning to I love you messages.

What is the timeline for these new changes? I would be VERY cautious. I've experienced this off and on for 3 years. It was my XH trying to nice his way to keeping up his appearance of being a good guy. If he continues these actions over a long period of time, that would be different, but still be cautious.

Bam just like that! He is allowing me to have a bit more influence in his life. We have 2 children and in the beginning he chose one to spew towards (the one more like me) and the other was his side kick that did not wrong. He’s working towards reconnecting more with them both now and mending the gap with the one he turned away from. Has anyone ever heard of them doing that, picking one to draw closer to in the crisis? Anyway, I know I’m a long way from the finish line but I feel a lot closer then I was yesterday.

I might seem cruel and I don't intend to be, but I want to caution you about feeling that you are close to any sort of finish line. The finish line is when you are ok no matter what. If you tie your "okay" to his actions, feelings, etc, then you are setting yourself up for failure, whether you R or not. You have to be ok no matter what.

My XH STILL tries to do all of those things and I have him blocked. He uses our kids and grandkids to attempt to gain access to me. He STILL calls his house "ours" and would ask me what kind of fruit trees "we" should buy if I still entertained it.

I'm concerned for how excited you are about this, because I know how hard that crash can be.

As much as I'd love to be happy for you, I want to encourage you to keep your expectations at a very very low - think ZERO - for the time being. Focus on yourself and let him do what he does. You are still on that rollercoaster.

[Navarro]

97Hope- thank you!! I have no idea how I saw this response so fast tonight?? I’m so glad I did tho!!
Honestly, there’s no need to worry because honestly I sit and pray that I can fall in love again with my H one day if he comes back. I’m scared of that. Not in the beginning but as reality has peeked through I have realized how much farther away I really am. As excited as I thought I would be. I am excited for hope but I’m not depending on it either.
Timeline goes like this- I’m 3 years in and replay ended completely October 2020. This entire last year has been consistent contact but no affection, no false hope, and no R talk. He has been very kind the last year and more his old self. About 2 months ago he began referring to old life and new life. Then about 6 weeks ago he changed. Depression lifted, remorse set in, guilt lingered, and he started talking. Although, he has never told me he is coming back I feel like that is what he is trying to do. One night he texted me and said “I’ve tried to come back twice, I’m trying, I really am”. Then he began to parent again, helping with chores, returning to the community, speaking with old friends, and telling me he loves me in messages. He’s not pushy with it, he’s very reserved and cautious. I don’t feel like what he is doing in this moment is for me. I think he is rebuilding himself right now. He’s not capable of being a good H right now but he is working on becoming a good person again I think. He’s consistent with it so far. Since October of 2020 he is on a steady upward path. It’s def not fast but it’s def nice to watch. Oh and HELL no I don’t believe a word of “never been anyone else”! He wouldn’t have left if there hadn’t been I don’t think and I don’t think he would have the remorse he does if there wasn’t.

[97Hope]

97Hope- thank you!! I have no idea how I saw this response so fast tonight?? I’m so glad I did tho!!
Honestly, there’s no need to worry because honestly I sit and pray that I can fall in love again with my H one day if he comes back. I’m scared of that. Not in the beginning but as reality has peeked through I have realized how much farther away I really am. As excited as I thought I would be. I am excited for hope but I’m not depending on it either.

I'd like to see your main focus be your healing and growth. Why pray now for your feelings of love 'if' he comes back? Excitement for hope still rests in what HE does. That was my point. Your life needs to get to a point where what he does/does not do, does not captain your ship.

Timeline goes like this- I’m 3 years in and replay ended completely October 2020. This entire last year has been consistent contact but no affection, no false hope, and no R talk. He has been very kind the last year and more his old self. About 2 months ago he began referring to old life and new life. Then about 6 weeks ago he changed. Depression lifted, remorse set in, guilt lingered, and he started talking. Although, he has never told me he is coming back I feel like that is what he is trying to do.

Do you want him back? It's ok to want that. But you sound like you are watching him closely to determine how you feel and where to step next. It's a very difficult place to be in. I was there for 3 years, as well. What if he is doing all of those things (helping with house, reconciling with child, etc. just to make nice to get you on board for an easier divorce? Will you be ok with what you are doing now?

One night he texted me and said “I’ve tried to come back twice, I’m trying, I really am”. Then he began to parent again, helping with chores, returning to the community, speaking with old friends, and telling me he loves me in messages. He’s not pushy with it, he’s very reserved and cautious.

From experience, people don't 'try' to be/do anything that is a priority for them.
Think about it, look at how many WAS/WS on this board who blow up entire families, careers, friendships for an OW/OM. NOTHING gets in their way. There is no confusion, there is no "try", only do.

I don’t feel like what he is doing in this moment is for me. I think he is rebuilding himself right now. He’s not capable of being a good H right now but he is working on becoming a good person again I think. He’s consistent with it so far.

If he's in MLC then NOTHING he is doing is about you.

I still think your best bet right now is to focus more on your growth and healing. No matter what and for your own wellbeing. While it's great that he's being consistent, you need to be in a place where it doesn't matter either way.

Since October of 2020 he is on a steady upward path. It’s def not fast but it’s def nice to watch.

That's great news! But again, while you are focusing on his journey, where are you in yours?

Did you read the Lighthouse story?

Oh and HELL no I don’t believe a word of “never been anyone else”! He wouldn’t have left if there hadn’t been I don’t think and I don’t think he would have the remorse he does if there wasn’t.

There are a lot of stories about what true remorse looks like - remorse isn't crumbs. Now when he reveals all I would be more hopeful for you. In the past, you found evidence and he lied. He lied until he couldn't anymore.

Sounds like you have a serial cheater on your hands and that you are focusing on MLC and where he is at in the stages. I've been there. The most important thing is your healing.

Are you in IC?

Look, my user name is "hope" for a reason!! Sounds like you have been through a LOT. Three years is a loooong time. I am in your corner! I do believe you will heal and grow from this if you take your life and future in your own hands and not focus on what he's doing/where he is/where he is going. It's like having a foot in each canoe. Yours and his at the same time. I'd like to see you solidly in your own and allow him to go in his with peace in your heart.

Hugs x