5 years pieced & COVID SIP has silver linings

[LH19]

I still am sad about AlisonUK, who split after LH wrote a really cruel comment on her thread.

Ok so I hate to hijack BWs thread but since i was called out I feel I have the right to defend myself. Alison had just explained on her thread the her H verbally abused her to the point that she was in tears and then mentioned in the thread that there is progress. My response to that was " in what world is that progress". Again, my stance is verbally abusing a women to tears is not acceptable behavior but of course that is my opinion. May maybe I am an "a-hole" for having that opinion but that's how I feel. Now I probably could have delivered the message better but i was pretty angry at the time.

[SteveLW]

That being said-- Blu, Wayfarer, Over, joejoe, Steve-- what do you guys think about getting active over on the Piecing board? I know I'd really value your thoughts and experiences and others probably would as well. Piecing is so different from DBing and perhaps it would also be easier on everyone to have a separate thread where we can focus on those specific issues? I would love to hear what you're all up to as well!

I am in. JJ and I have tried at various times to get more activity over there. We both have threads. I do think there are some unique challenges for those of us that are piecing our MR back together that could really be helpful to discuss as a group! I know I have been vocal about my struggles, and would like to hear more perspecitves.

[wayfarer]

SteveLW, I've been talking about heading over there for a while. I should probably just pull the trigger. It's a dead board that shouldn't be. It'll never be as active as let's say Life after the big D but it would be nice to have some amount of balance out there. I'm in.

[joejoe1]

Way,

Like Steve has mentioned, I have posted there on every update have made for a couple years now. But the only response I get is from Steve. I would love to have other opinions on some of the things I go thru. I think piecing never stops and my wife and I have been working on our new Marriage sine Oct 2017. It's been a lot of up and downs. And It's hard to post those events in the "newcomers" thread, because I don't want to make my problem bigger than the crisis some of the DBer's in the newcomer thread is going thru.

Reading Only comments to me, makes me realize that there's a vast misunderstanding on what DBing is all about. I don't think any newcomer knows if their Spouse is coming back, we just do the work on ourselves to save ourselves, no matter the outcome. Even if our WS comes back the work we need to do on ourselves stays the same. Even after my wife and I decided to work on our M, we still struggled. I wanted to walk out on many occasions. Feeling like, I can't trust this person, it's so horrible living with a person, that you believe you can't trust. None of her actions were leading me to believe she was doing anything wrong, But I spent almost two years being hyper vigilant trying to make sure she didn't hurt me like she did before. And I'm pretty sure, I would of been that way, if we didn't reconcile and I ended up in a new relationship at the same time my wife and I Reconned. I wasn't no where near healed and neither was my wife when we Reconned, and we still have flare ups here and there.

I just don't like the comments, that make it seems like we are somehow different because we reconned, it comes off as divisive and creates and divisions in the posters.

[wayfarer]

Way, Like Steve has mentioned, I have posted there on every update have made for a couple years now. But the only response I get is from Steve. I would love to have other opinions on some of the things I go thru. I think piecing never stops and my wife and I have been working on our new Marriage sine Oct 2017. It's been a lot of up and downs.

There are so few people in piecing that remain active around here when we started to move in that direction I really, really struggled to find content that made any sense of what was going on in my heart, head and gut. I struggle(d) with triggering things, and little tiffs occasionally put me in tears, sometimes even to the point of ugly crying because I often can't get past feeling like he's counting points for or against me because he was doing it for so long, long before the A and still after the A was done and over. But I rarely posted about that stuff for exactly the reason you stated next.

And It's hard to post those events in the "newcomers" thread, because I don't want to make my problem bigger than the crisis some of the DBer's in the newcomer thread is going thru.

I also feel like I don't want to negate some one in crisis. Those feelings are so big and so all consuming. It's much more important to focus on them knowing they can survive this than some one virtually patting my hand when I'm struggling in something some newbies so badly crave.

But I spent almost two years being hyper vigilant trying to make sure she didn't hurt me like she did before. And I'm pretty sure, I would of been that way, if we didn't reconcile and I ended up in a new relationship at the same time my wife and I Reconned. I wasn't no where near healed and neither was my wife when we Reconned, and we still have flare ups here and there.

This right here is why we need a more active piecing board. Blu said something very, very similar on another poster's thread. That DBing in the sense of self improvement doesn't ever stop, because recon or not you will drag the same crappy habits into the next relationship, you will drag that emotional baggage of an A with you, you will take all that FOO trauma or terrible coping mechanisms with you. The boiler plate that some people are so against is the only thing keeping you moving forward, growing and healing.

I just don't like the comments, that make it seems like we are somehow different because we reconned, it comes off as divisive and creates and divisions in the posters.

I honestly left that comment alone because I got kind of heated out of the gate reading it. And me typing when heated isn't a good thing. There's a reason there are multiple posters on the board. Perspective. Perspective is what gives a person the ability to see all sides and all avenues going forward. Without it it's bulldozing through life. And in this case it's bulldozing through a complex and difficult situation in which you shouldn't let your emotions drive. I've never seen a single reconned person say anything that wasn't empathetic to a person facing a D. Not once. Nor have I ever saw them encourage a person to remain married for any reason other than the LBS saying that's what they want. The concept that those of us trudging along in piecing are some how standing on a pedestal and looking down is either a projection or a misinterpretation of what is happening here.

All good thoughts on things JJ. I'll start posting in the piecing forum, and will kind of do what Steve and Blu do occasionally posting updates in the newbie section so they can get to my older threads.

[Traveler]

@May, nice to hear from you. Miss you! I hope you will return and join the Piecing Board. (:

Definitely, "Surviving the D" and "Midlife Crisis" are active sub-forums and those of us on them often keep an eye out and reply to posts outside of "Newcomers". Many here miss you and I think would tune in if they knew where to look, including the few who reconciled long-term after EAs or PAs.

[OnlyBent]

Reading Only comments to me, makes me realize that there's a vast misunderstanding on what DBing is all about. I don't think any newcomer knows if their Spouse is coming back, we just do the work on ourselves to save ourselves, no matter the outcome. Even if our WS comes back the work we need to do on ourselves stays the same. Even after my wife and I decided to work on our M, we still struggled. I wanted to walk out on many occasions. Feeling like, I can't trust this person, it's so horrible living with a person, that you believe you can't trust. None of her actions were leading me to believe she was doing anything wrong, But I spent almost two years being hyper vigilant trying to make sure she didn't hurt me like she did before. And I'm pretty sure, I would of been that way, if we didn't reconcile and I ended up in a new relationship at the same time my wife and I Reconned. I wasn't no where near healed and neither was my wife when we Reconned, and we still have flare ups here and there.

I just don't like the comments, that make it seems like we are somehow different because we reconned, it comes off as divisive and creates and divisions in the posters.

I think you may have misunderstood my original comment JJ. I never suggested we were different, I said that those that think the board has become negative seem to be those who have R'd. I think that this is an accurate statement, but happy to be proven wrong. In no way was I trying to create division, what I would really like is for all perspectives to stay on this board so that it can continue to help those who find themselves in this awful situation that we have all shared.

What I don't like is those that complain about the boards being negative yet do nothing to change the tone. I have always been taught that if you don't like something you change it, or you don't complain. Whoever the negative posters may be, they are they ones giving up their time to help the newcomers, so I find it unfair that they are criticised.

JJ, I assure you that I understand the DBing is about focusing on myself, if you go read my thread you will see my progression. I read yours and I could see your changes as you progressed, I respect your journey. Again I wish you and your R all the best. Please keep posting.

[OnlyBent]

I honestly left that comment alone because I got kind of heated out of the gate reading it. And me typing when heated isn't a good thing. There's a reason there are multiple posters on the board. Perspective. Perspective is what gives a person the ability to see all sides and all avenues going forward. Without it it's bulldozing through life. And in this case it's bulldozing through a complex and difficult situation in which you shouldn't let your emotions drive. I've never seen a single reconned person say anything that wasn't empathetic to a person facing a D. Not once. Nor have I ever saw them encourage a person to remain married for any reason other than the LBS saying that's what they want. The concept that those of us trudging along in piecing are some how standing on a pedestal and looking down is either a projection or a misinterpretation of what is happening here.

WF, I am sorry if my comment made you feel this way, it was not my intention. You are a poster who takes the time to be active on here, which I greatly respect, as is your perspective.

[may22]

I can't believe I'm letting myself get dragged into a conversation with LH, but:

My response to that was " in what world is that progress".

Alison had posted about a very difficult situation and behaviors from her H that she'd been struggling with for a long time. The progress she noted was not in/re those behaviors with her husband, but the fact that his relationship with their eldest child was much, much improved. This was LH's response:

WTF you women on here driving me fuching nuts. In what world do live in when the most important person in your life other then you kids verbally assaults until you’re in tears and it is viewed as progress????????

She never returned. You can make excuses and absolve yourself of responsibility all you want, but the fact is that a woman came here for support and advice, and after you posted this she never came back. And, she'd been a very regular poster on her own thread for a long time and helped many of us here as well. She was the absolute best at explaining boundaries and for any newbies out there, I strongly recommend reading her posts on my thread regarding boundaries (especially last summer) if you need help in this area. (I suspect LH crossed a boundary with her and she decided there was no reason to subject herself to this BS anymore.)

Note-- I'm not turning this into a debate (no need to say anything, LH, as I won't respond) and I apologize to Blu for even typing this. I just feel so strongly that the negative tone and bullying is actually damaging and driving people in need away, not just slowing down the board.

OB-- since I think you're talking about me dropping off, I will tell you that I was a regular poster for a lot of months and tried my very best to fight against the negativity by being positive and trying to offer- when I thought it made sense-- an alternative perspective. I think what JJ is talking about is that anytime posters recommend anything BUT kicking your LBS to the curb and maybe they'll come back after many years, or if your WS is waffling tell them to commit NOW or GTFO, we are put down. In my case, my educational background was thrown in my face and my spouse (and choice to stay with him) ridiculed. And on top of it I was gaslit, being accused of trying to control what others are posting when I was very careful and clear to state that we simply weren't all on the same page on advice and there were alternative perspectives that deserved to be heard. I don't understand why there is such venom and anger towards advising patience and being open to the potential of positive growth within your spouse and your R. And it wasn't just that final straw-- it had been happening at one level or another pretty much anytime I posted anything that didn't adhere to the current standard of "move on".

The posters that preach D here are creating their own echo chamber, maybe to reinforce their own choices and to reassure themselves that theirs is the only way. And if you're looking for an example of a poster who didn't R but is saying that the board has turned negative, AnotherStander (an incredible vet who has helped probably thousands of LBSs, including me) said it himself a few posts above.

What all of us in piecing are sharing is that we are still struggling with various things. For me, I'm struggling enough with trust that being ridiculed for taking my H back, or having my advice to a poster to give a situation some time rather than kicking their waffling S out immediately being derided as only delaying the inevitable... it isn't good for my own healing or mental health to get those kind of attacks. I'd like to stay engaged and help people the way that others have helped me. But I really needed a break. If I do come back more regularly, I simply won't engage with the bullies anymore. And it does sound like getting the piecing board moving could help those of us in piecing connect and not cloud the issues for newbies.

IMHO, another lens on what JJ is saying--advice given to you may not have been any different that advice given to him, because DB-ing isn't about your spouse. It is all about you! You have zero control over your WS's actions. You do have control over your own. You can focus on yourself, practice 180s, and drop the rope no matter what your WS is doing-- off in fantasyland with AP or sharing your home. Different paths have different complications, and different people have different abilities to handle the difficulties of each scenario, so you'll see suggestions based on helping each LBS figure out FOR THEMSELVES what their own values and boundaries are, and come to their own decision of how they want to proceed. It might mean moving out and filing for divorce. It might mean waiting for some length of time while GALing and working on yourself. I'm glad you're growing-- that's great. Whether our spouses come back or not, DB-ing is for you.

CW-- so great to hear from you. I'll say hello over on your thread.

[OnlyBent]

OB-- since I think you're talking about me dropping off

I didn't have you in mind necessarily but appreciate you responding.

I will tell you that I was a regular poster for a lot of months and tried my very best to fight against the negativity by being positive and trying to offer- when I thought it made sense-- an alternative perspective. I think what JJ is talking about is that anytime posters recommend anything BUT kicking your LBS to the curb and maybe they'll come back after many years, or if your WS is waffling tell them to commit NOW or GTFO, we are put down. In my case, my educational background was thrown in my face and my spouse (and choice to stay with him) ridiculed. And on top of it I was gaslit, being accused of trying to control what others are posting when I was very careful and clear to state that we simply weren't all on the same page on advice and there were alternative perspectives that deserved to be heard. I don't understand why there is such venom and anger towards advising patience and being open to the potential of positive growth within your spouse and your R. And it wasn't just that final straw-- it had been happening at one level or another pretty much anytime I posted anything that didn't adhere to the current standard of "move on".

It sounds like you have felt pretty attacked and unfairly treated, I am sorry that you have felt that.

And if you're looking for an example of a poster who didn't R but is saying that the board has turned negative, AnotherStander (an incredible vet who has helped probably thousands of LBSs, including me) said it himself a few posts above.

Yep fair point, I stand corrected (no pun intended).

advice given to you may not have been any different that advice given to him, because DB-ing isn't about your spouse. It is all about you! You have zero control over your WS's actions. You do have control over your own. You can focus on yourself, practice 180s, and drop the rope no matter what your WS is doing-- off in fantasyland with AP or sharing your home. Different paths have different complications, and different people have different abilities to handle the difficulties of each scenario, so you'll see suggestions based on helping each LBS figure out FOR THEMSELVES what their own values and boundaries are, and come to their own decision of how they want to proceed. It might mean moving out and filing for divorce. It might mean waiting for some length of time while GALing and working on yourself. I'm glad you're growing-- that's great. Whether our spouses come back or not, DB-ing is for you

Couldn't agree more. Feel free to read my thread and see the progress I made in truly understanding this.