5 years pieced & COVID SIP has silver linings

[AnotherStander]

I have thought about if there is something different I can add to these boards, but I honestly don’t have the motivation to take this on.

Oh I think you add something to the boards just by continuing to update now and then! A lot of people come here looking for hope more than anything else, and stories of reconciliation do wonders for building hope.

This place is for support and advice, with healthy boundaries, and not for protecting your own ego, defending your position or for put downs.

Completely agree. I don't post much anymore because I was tired of getting personally attacked if I posted something that someone else didn't agree with. I don't expect everyone to agree with everything I say, but I DO expect to be treated with respect just as I treat others with respect even if they don't agree with me. When that quits happening it's time to focus on other things in life!

Where my M stands today. H has been back in the M for over 6 years. I have to think about the timeline because I lose track of the years now. Triggers and resentments continue to fade into the background. Occasional memories come up and I note them and move forward. I never thought this could be possible the first couple years of piecing because I felt so emotionally triggered so often. So I maintain my belief that all wounds do heal in time.

Glad to hear things are still going well! Even though my XW and I did not reconcile our marriage, we have reconciled our relationship. Our wounds have also healed and we've found ourselves in a place of mutual love and respect even though we're no longer married or lovers. This past weekend she and the kids organized a surprise trip for me to Broken Bow, OK for my 60th birthday. We had an amazing time! We hiked, zip-lined, rode jet skis, spent the whole weekend as a family. Reconciling doesn't -have- to mean staying married. I've tried to explain that here, that "my way or the highway" isn't how things have to be.

Am I smitten or feel in love or in lust with him? Well, not like I was before all this! But that’s okay with me. I can also recognize I had an unhealthy love for him before BD for many years and perhaps even put him on a pedestal. And he was the nicest guy and super dad, but really, he didn’t know how to state his needs and was a doormat at times that could not stand up to me. I was in turn impatient and frustrated or even controlling. And round and round we spun. That dynamic is no more.

We still have our disagreements and frustrations. Some dynamics are the same because we are the same people. We are also more self aware and more willing to compromise and change. I think that might be the key to a relationship lasting. Both people have to learn to be more flexible and own their issues. I am still a work in progress and will always be.

I see so much conversations on what is a deal breaker for people and they seem to be these things one can measure — a PA, some amount of EAs, “abuse” (which people also define differently), moving out of the house, some amount of time separated, filing for D, etc, etc. Don’t we all have some bottom line when we enter a M? We all do! But let me tell you what happens when your spouse starts crossing those lines. Your perspective starts to shift as you go through the motions of it. As you both move forward, your actions, reactions and thus positions on said bottom lines will and do change! So stating “once this happens the M is over” is short sighted and ignorant. You do not know how you will feel until is actually happens! So please do not limit yourself or judge others. Because as a person that had a laundry list of bottom lines that got violated, I was forced to remeasure every value I had over and over again! But you know what? It’s been so many years now and my M works. It has nothing to do with our bottom lines or the betrayal we both committed. It works because we both choose to be here each day and make it work. That’s all folks. Step into a more open minded way of thinking and you will find more benefits.

Very well said! And you didn't think you had anything to add to the boards

[SteveLW]

AS! Please come back! You were so key to my own sitch, I think the LBSs that are currently posting sure could use your guidance and insights.

As far as getting personally attacked when someone disagrees with you, unfortunately this is the internet. Par for the course. But I so highly value people like you, sandi, and so many of the other vets that were around in the thick of my sitch that I sure hope that you'll come back and be a regular contributor again.

[Traveler]

Blu, thanks for sharing your update and thoughts. If I’m hearing you correctly, the forum is at its most inclusive and when it’s encouraging posters to slow down, identify their own personal flaws and limits, and set matching boundaries and improvement plans. It’s at its most divisive when we argue what limits and changes posters should set/make.

Those who reconcile tend to take neither a hard-line nor a doormat approach. They find more patience than they thought they had, but make the limits clear to themselves and their partner.

I am grateful to this forum for helping me get a 2nd and 3rd chance—even if I ultimately walked away. I find the tools helpful in day-to-day life with my children and while dating.

[Eagle3]

Dear BluWave, ovrrnbw, Wayfarer and joejoe,

Nice to read you have all reconciled. Just out of curiousity, because I haven’t read your threads,
may I ask if one of you was confronted with an H or W in MLC or not?

My H for sure has a MLC and I know the process usually takes years and years, that’s why I was curious if any
of your reconciliations were with a spouse who came out of it.

I know not many M’s survive MLC so always nice to read one if I get the chance…

Many thanks.

Eagle

[Eagle3]

Glad to hear things are still going well! Even though my XW and I did not reconcile our marriage, we have reconciled our relationship. Our wounds have also healed and we've found ourselves in a place of mutual love and respect even though we're no longer married or lovers. This past weekend she and the kids organized a surprise trip for me to Broken Bow, OK for my 60th birthday. We had an amazing time! We hiked, zip-lined, rode jet skis, spent the whole weekend as a family. Reconciling doesn't -have- to mean staying married. I've tried to explain that here, that "my way or the highway" isn't how things have to be.

AS,

Enjoyed reading this part. Indeed, it’s not all about staying married, this story is equally beautiful to me as well.
Nice to read you and your XW have such a good relationship!

If it doesn’t work out anymore as a couple this is the thing we all should be aiming for!

Thanks for that!

[ovrrnbw]

Hey Blu,

A huge part of the reason I'm still here is waiting on updates from you and ovr. Piecing for almost a year now. It's nice to hear how other people are doing. Not that anyone can gauge their relationship next to another, but it helps me to gauge my mindset about where I should strive to be moving forward. Because it hasn't quite been a year I get hung up on triggers occasionally and it's nice to know that hurt while it's always going to linger just a little gets easier and easier with time. That life continues on. That people will still fight after all the mess and it doesn't spell disaster.

May isn't here right now. She may not return. Another poster Sage left bread crumbs on my thread of contact info and they've been communicating via email and spending much less time on here. H and I recently bought a home so I haven't had time to dig through my thread to find the pieces. But I intend to when things calm down and I can circle back and drop some May hints here for you. I know when she decided to exit she had trepidation missing out on updates from you.

Thank you for the time you spend/spent here. It's always appreciated and nice to have someone around who survived this. If for nothing else as a reminder that all MRs aren't doomed. That all WSs aren't irredeemable. And that LBSs can forgive and move on without forgetting.

Enjoy your breathers this summer. Given your work in the last year you truly, truly deserve that.

Thank you, I am truly flattered by you mentioning me. I should update mine too and I will this week.

I want to advance the notion that all WW's/WH's are, in fact, redeemable. I've discussed this at length in my own thread. Being someone who has been unfaithful (not when married, but still), I guess I have a stake in proving this. But I also think that looking at people's worst actions, or politics seems to be huge these last 6 years, and then calling them irredeemable is absolutely detrimental to society and culture. There is God and truth and beauty in every one of us, and it is so easy to dismiss and write people off.

I am glad to see you are doing OK too. I need to read your thread as well. This place can be so awesome, and I thank everyone for contributing.

[wayfarer]

Thank you, I am truly flattered by you mentioning me. I should update mine too and I will this week.

No rush on my account. I just wonder about you and the wife and the impending bundle of joy and hope all is well.

I want to advance the notion that all WW's/WH's are, in fact, redeemable. I've discussed this at length in my own thread. Being someone who has been unfaithful (not when married, but still), I guess I have a stake in proving this... There is God and truth and beauty in every one of us, and it is so easy to dismiss and write people off.

I'm in the same boat. I was unfaithful in MR #1. Granted my waywardness was fed by a lot of things people should walk away from (or run) but couldn't. However, there were better ways to deal with ALL of the causes including the ones that were rooted solely in me. Which is why I know all WS aren't sociopaths or abusers. Sometimes it really is people making a series of selfish decisions.

I am glad to see you are doing OK too. I need to read your thread as well. This place can be so awesome, and I thank everyone for contributing.

I need to update as well. I realized it's been months.

[OnlyBent]

Wow, really your perspective is a little off IMO. The only thing that separates the LBS spouses that came back and the ones that didn't, is the choice of the WS. My Wife decided to give our Marriage another chance. That was her decision. Our relationship and M hasn't nothing to do with the tone of this forum.

Hey JJ, this was the point that I was trying to make. That the second chance is beyond our control.

My STBXW has been in a relationship with OM for over a year, since before she even moved out. She has not once looked back, blamed me for everything, threatened me with court and lied like it was going out of fashion. What would your advice be in this situation?

Now I haven't read your sitch but your W did the opposite, she gave you another chance. Obviously the advice would have been different because the signs were presumably different.

I just think that we need to understand that everyone here will have a different perspective because, whilst all these sitchs' have the same general issues, our experiences are all different and have shaped us differently.

Not one person was telling me I need to get a Divorce (Maybe LH). Any person that I can vaguely remember. I also had people on this Forum calling out my actions in the Marriage and how it contributed to the downfall of the M, even thou my wife had an Affair. I had Vets on here giving me great advice about detaching and taking responsibility for my actions inside the M. I has AS, explicitly hounding me to detach with love, and don't do anything towards Divorce until you know you are ready. I followed the advice of the Vets, I didn't argue or push back with what they were saying, I updated my thread with as much information as possible and as accurate as possible. And, I got a bunch of 2x4s to the head but none of it felt negative and none of it felt like attacks. Most of it felt like heart felt advice.

I would say that this was my experience as well. I have been called out when necessary and encouraged in the same way. I respect and appreciate any advice given, as someone has taken the time out of their life to try and help someone else. I have never felt a negative vibe or felt attacked, well maybe once, but it didn't bother me and others had my back anyway.

One of the reasons, I stopped posting as much, because, I didn't want my comments to come across as bragging or insensitive. My wife coming back hasn't always been great for me. I have struggled with staying in my Marriage, because Trust and loyalty is big for me. So, me saying that, I think could come across as insensitive for those, who WS haven't come back. But i wrestle with people in dire need of a person who's been thru where they have been and not coming across insensitive.

I understand what you're saying JJ and appreciate the consideration that you might come across as insensitive. I'm sorry that you are still struggling with your new M, I sincerely hope that things work out for the best.

My final word, and this is not directed to you JJ, would be that it is one thing to comment on the negative vibe here, but rather than comment on it and disappear, why not set the tone that you would like to see and repay all the help and care that was passed on to you. Be the change you want to see in the world type thing.

[OnlyBent]

Sorry for the hijack Blu.

[may22]

Hi Blu,

I do stop by here occasionally but I haven't posted because I just haven't felt up to dealing with the negativity and attacks from some corners. I have tried to be positive and compassionate and give advice as I can, but I definitely agree with several of the others here on the tone and content of much of the current advice. But now that you posted, I wanted to jump back in and say THANK YOU and how grateful I am to you for continuing to share your story. Your openness, thoughtfulness, and compassion just shine through every sentence you write, and it has been invaluable to me beyond words to have been able to learn from someone who has walked such a similar path. Wayfarer, you are in this same category as well. And with both of you, even where we had differences in our situations or how we chose to deal with them, I have never felt anything but care and support.

The reason I stepped back is that— as you know well—piecing is hard. The triggers, the flashbacks, the anger, the sadness and loss— that all still exists, whether you end up reconciling your M or moving on. I still am working through my own healing and figuring out how to move through the piecing process with my H at the same time. At this point, what I need is support and advice in alignment with the direction I've chosen to go, not backseat drivers who somehow think it is helpful to throw little bombs of distrust and whom I honestly think would feel vindicated if my M failed after all of this. I think many people who were in a similar situation to me may have chosen to step back if their situations took a turn for the worse because of the judgment and snark that lives here-- and those voices can be loud and hurtful. I still am sad about AlisonUK, who split after LH wrote a really cruel comment on her thread.

Anyway… I realize you specifically said you didn’t want a discussion of board usage on your thread and here I went! But in reading through the responses, here’s my two cents: where I see conflict is when you have posters counseling patience, forgiveness, and open-mindedness rather than cutting your losses quickly and moving on, those suggestions are being decried as weak, “beta,” having no self-confidence, being a doormat, whatever. I will say that in my situation, it is possible that if I’d kicked my H to the curb that reconciliation would have happened more quickly, or not at all, and maybe I’d be fine with that at this point. I don’t know. I do think, regardless, that if I hadn’t had the patience to let him go through the process he needed to go through to realize what he wanted, we wouldn’t be where we are today. The whole thing was awful and hurtful and incredibly painful to go through and I know that many of my friends here had a hard time witnessing it. But for me, coming here and having people (like you) willing to actually LISTEN and help me understand my own boundaries and values, and live them out— which in my case meant staying in the M— was priceless. I think it is important for us all to remember we are different people in different situations, and our job as posters is to help the OP figure out the right path for THEM, not just what you would do in the same situation. And I do feel that the loudest posters right now are just a big cheering squad pushing people to leave their WSs and move on, and those of us who might have something different to offer are simply attacked. I feel badly for the newbie LBSs, but I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with the aggressive posters right now.

That being said-- Blu, Wayfarer, Over, joejoe, Steve-- what do you guys think about getting active over on the Piecing board? I know I'd really value your thoughts and experiences and others probably would as well. Piecing is so different from DBing and perhaps it would also be easier on everyone to have a separate thread where we can focus on those specific issues? I would love to hear what you're all up to as well!

Blu, I echo Wayfarer here in a huge thank you to you for continuing to share and post. Just reading this in your most recent post:

Where my M stands today. H has been back in the M for over 6 years. I have to think about the timeline because I lose track of the years now. Triggers and resentments continue to fade into the background. Occasional memories come up and I note them and move forward. I never thought this could be possible the first couple years of piecing because I felt so emotionally triggered so often. So I maintain my belief that all wounds do heal in time.

was incredibly helpful. It’s been nine months now since my H ended his A for good and we began the slow process of reconciliation. I can’t quite put a finger on when I moved from reconciliation into piecing, but I feel we are there now. However, I do struggle with triggers, and we are only at the very beginning stages of piecing, I think. Knowing it took a couple of years to settle down for you makes me feel less stressed out about the fact it is still happening to me.

My thread filled up on Newcomers and I don't know that I want to open a new one here. I'm also a little skittish about opening one in Piecing-- I know this might sound silly, but I don't want to jinx anything! So because I know you care and want to know— I hope this is okay but I’ll hijack your thread for a quick sec. Overall, I'm doing well. We started MC and that has been both positive (in that we are talking about hard stuff with a mediator) and difficult (since it brings up really hard things for me). I still have some anger and sadness I'm processing about the A. I do trust my H. He tells me he’s sorry and he loves me almost every day. He is frustrated that I’m still stuck in the past and wishes I could spend more energy being focused on what we have now and where we want to go. He also wants to dig into why he did what he did in therapy and I know he’s struggling with reconciling the fact that he did this enormous and awful thing— not just one bad choice, but literally thousands of individual decisions over years that all added up into the affair— with his own conscience. He says he does not have feelings for AP any more and has said a few things over the past couple of weeks that are along the lines of he didn't feel about her the way he'd presented it to me in the thick of things, but I haven’t followed up on that line of conversation as I really don’t want to push at all. I’m also trying to be okay with the fact that regardless of how we look back at it now, it happened— but it also is in the past and can’t be changed.

There are some aspects of our R that are a million times better than before. He is a full 50-50 partner in the children and household work— actually, to be honest, right now he is more like 75 and I’m 25. He has been incredibly supportive and encouraging of my new job and is basically handling all the kid pickups, piano lessons, soccer practices, etc. He has been doing most of the grocery shopping for awhile now and we’re 50-50 on cooking. He still isn’t the best at cleaning but we have a decent balance (I let him load the dishwasher ). I feel supported and loved. I just still can’t quite reconcile all of that with the affair and the lying and all the things he said to me during the A about his feelings (man, I KNOW he regrets opening his fat mouth so much). And there are still issues from M1.0 that rear their ugly heads and we need to figure out how to deal with in a new way-- we're better at this, but not perfect. So overall… I feel we are on the right path, but we have a loooooooong ways to go.

Kids are wonderful, new job is very challenging but I’m loving it, and you’re now inspiring me to get back to exercising and taking care of my body (I’ve gained back all my post-BD weight loss and more, been pretty lazy).

I miss you. Thank you for stopping back in. xx May