She's Gone Again - 10 Years On

[smilie]

Been there, done that. When my long-term XGF left, the first shock was her leaving, the second shock was discovering that in contrast to her words she'd planned this enough to change her D's school district before moving out. The second shock was the realization was there was no easy way out, no shortcut home.

"No hope" is a thinking error. She doesn't plan to return to you. That doesn't mean she won't change her mind. As others have pointed out before, at one point she was completely uninterested in you, then she wanted to marry you, then she wanted out. She's changed her mind before. It could happen again in time.

No wonder a normal person can't follow. So basically what I am reading is, that these decisions are based solely on emotions and how she feels at any point in time?

As a reference point, my long-term XGF and I reconciled.

Nice! Has it been a struggle? I know our was for the first year or so the first time. I was always treading on eggshells. It took me 5 years to trust her again. Then I got ill so I suppose I was a bit complacent for a long time focusing on feeling rough and being unable to work.

[Traveler]

Seriously? And you was able to get over it and not hold it against her?

Many here have reconciled. Forgiveness is a choice, right? XW, XGF, XH, XBF come back and you've both made enough changes to make Relationship 2.0 more likely to succeed. You can either hold onto your pain, your anger, your desire to make them pay for the past--or you can let it go so you two can figure out if you can be happy together. It's not easy. The process often takes months if not longer.

It took me 5 years to trust her again.

You've gone through it before. (:

[smilie]

Mine left when we were looking at houses to buy. It made zero sense to me that she was thinking about pulling the plug. I obsessed over the reasons why it happened for months on end.

It defy's logic that's for sure.

For me, my saving grace was the gym. I hit the gym hard and still do to this day, it's became my therapy.[quote]
Perhaps that's what I need to do. I have had a few workouts over the past couple of weeks. I plan to increase those, but I'm just shaking so much still 4 weeks on.

You can also watch vids on YouTube about letting go etc. There are several good Ted Talks you can find online that I think would benefit you.

I'll have a look, cheers

[smilie]

As someone above stated, there is always plenty of blame to go around in these sitches, your goal should be to become a man only a fool would leave.

Wow! Brilliant quote and true.

I wouldn't for a moment say that we had a brilliant marriage. Comfortable, regular maybe. In actual fact I recognised that it was a bit samey, especially due to the last years lock down stuff, everything was the same day in day out. She was working all the time, hadn't had a day of (with me) and I suggested to her that we discuss where we could be and how to create something to look forward to over the next year to get some excitement into our lives. That conversation was only a few weeks prior to her leaving.

[Traveler]

Nice! Has it been a struggle? I know our was for the first year or so the first time.

It was. Like you, there was a second BD.. then a third BD, and now I've rebuffed her attempts to reconcile. Not everyone who falls in love is destined to be a great couple. I'd encourage reading the situations of May or Wayfarer or BluWave. They managed to R after a PA without pretending nothing had happened.

[smilie]

Many here have reconciled. Forgiveness is a choice, right? XW, XGF, XH, XBF come back and you've both made enough changes to make Relationship 2.0 more likely to succeed. You can either hold onto your pain, your anger, your desire to make them pay for the past--or you can let it go so you two can figure out if you can be happy together. It's not easy. The process often takes months if not longer.

The first time I wanted nothing more than to reconcile. I wouldn't entertain anybody telling me it was over and to split. I put all my energy into saving our marriage. This time seems different. I'm 10 years older and asking myself if I want to do this again further down the line. She lied at therapy, so if we had therapy again why would that be any different? I suppose she has told me she has been unfaithful this time.

Forgiveness is a decision. I'm not sure if I could forgive an affair as I've never knowingly been in the position to. But can I forgive somebody telling lies rather than the truth. Will I ever get the truth from her, even in therapy? If she can't ever do that - tell the truth in order to rebuild - then there can be nothing to rebuild as it would be build back on a lie, or a heap of lies.

[Traveler]

The first time I wanted nothing more than to reconcile. I'm 10 years older and asking myself if I want to do this again further down the line. She lied at therapy, so if we had therapy again why would that be any different?

Forgiveness is a decision. But can I forgive somebody telling lies rather than the truth. Will I ever get the truth from her, even in therapy? If she can't ever do that - tell the truth in order to rebuild - then there can be nothing to rebuild as it would be build back on a lie, or a heap of lies.

In contrast to your first BD, May already trusts her H less than a year back, despite pain and anger. After deciding to piece, they're facing past wrongs in therapy including the affair

The Oxford Dictionary says to forgive is to "stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake." I hope you are capable of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not just for reconciliation.

I agree it would be hard to rebuild a solid relationship without honesty.

It's also okay if PAs are a dealbreaker for you. Several on these forums wouldn't reconcile after a PA.

[BL42]

smilie,

Sorry you're in this situation, but glad you're here seeking help...

Background: 10 years ago I was out of work due to losing my job and the recession. It took me 1.5 years to get a suitable position. Now, this time, I have not been able to work due to ill health for 7 years. She says it's not because of that and she doesn't know what it is.

So you've been unemployed for 7 years? That's a very long time. Regardless of what she says (a common saying around here is believe none of what they say) it seems likely it could be a factor in play in your sitch.

Are you still in very bad health? If you are able to work I'd recommend seeking out employment for several reasons. First, it will give you some purpose / reason to get out of bed in the morning. Second, it will help you meet and interact with new people. Third, it will improve your financial status. Fourth, maybe (just maybe) it'll improve her view of you (but don't make that the reason).

Well the wife is 45 in August and I am 55, so there's 10 years between us which has never really been a problem, that I've noticed. We don't have any kids, which is a bit of an emotional subject, but happy to discuss.

Sorry about your struggles with having kids. That must have been difficult and probably added stress to the relationship. That said, no children may make your sitch a bit easier in terms of detachment as you won't have to constantly interact related to child care.

She had an affair with me prior to leaving her boyfriend and left him in the same manner as she's left me now and 10 years previously (2011).

Sounds like the two of you didn't come into the relationship on the best terms. This might be a bit of karma coming your way, as you may be experiencing what her ex did when she cheated with you. Maybe she told you how bad her Ex was and it made you feel she/you were justified in cheating? But then it turned out it was her all along.

It has amazed me how she has fitted in an affair. The only way she could have done this is to take days off work without me knowing. I kept saying to her that I am aware that she hasn't taken any days off work and that she needs to have a break. Huh! Unbenown to me, she was, more than likely! Days off with the OM and only a 15 minute walk from her office to home. I could have gone down to her work at any point and met her for lunch and found that she wasn't there. But that never happened and I can't work out how she has done this.

My Ex-W had to "go in work early" and "stay late" and literally had relations in the office during the work day to the point HR/administration got involved. Another common thing I've read on this forum is how when there's a will (to cheat) there's always a way (to cheat) regardless of what the LBS thinks about their schedule...they'll figure out a way to do it. Hence, you can't control it.

My lawyer is on it and will be requesting that the balance of the monies that were not evenly distributed, be paid back.

Good you have a lawyer - protect yourself!

I can relate to how you're feeling, Smilie.

Mine left when we were looking at houses to buy. It made zero sense to me that she was thinking about pulling the plug. I obsessed over the reasons why it happened for months on end.

The anxiety was the worst part for me. Feeling light headed and nauseous all the time was crazy making.

For me, my saving grace was the gym. I hit the gym hard and still do to this day, it's became my therapy.

You can also watch vids on YouTube about letting go etc. There are several good Ted Talks you can find online that I think would benefit you.

Mine was doing yard work, buying new carpets, recently re-did the family room and one of the bathrooms, asking my mother about Summer family vacation. Made no sense. But it is was it is.

Its easy to figure out

Anything you think or the average person thinks,
the opposite will be true.

If you think left then it is right, and vice versa.

All that being said,
I agree don't try to figure it out.

Brilliant! So basically I'm Alice at the Mad Hatter's tea party then?! You made me smile :-)

Alice at the Mad Hatter's tea party. Great analogy! I'm gonna remember that one.

So perhaps she'll start thinking differently knowing that she has to pay out almost the same as if she was living here, plus funding her new life.

Logic NEVER wins out in these cases.

True, and yet it's so hard to understand.

[Cadet]

Brilliant! So basically I'm Alice at the Mad Hatter's tea party then?! You made me smile :-)

In short - YES

I actually did some research about that at one point to see if Lewis Carroll was suffering from something similar.

It is interesting.

[smilie]

In contrast to your first BD, May already trusts her H less than a year back, despite pain and anger. After deciding to piece, they're facing past wrongs in therapy including the affair

Blimey, that's good. I suppose it is just a decision and as long as there is 100% honesty.

The Oxford Dictionary says to forgive is to "stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake." I hope you are capable of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not just for reconciliation.

I like to think I would be. I have been doing a lot of thinking about her family life, why her father went away, why her mother stopped speaking (literally) apart from to people she knew and then it was just a word or two and why she smoked herself to death. Why her father was living with another woman in a different town and he told the family her was living with "his mate and his wife" (funny how when his wife died, his mate left the flat and he got together with the woman), why nobody was permitted to go up and see him and he only came home for a day at the weekend. He always told people at parties and gatherings that my wife was his "favourite little girl". Arrrgh.

I think something went on in her childhood that she has repressed. First her father abandoned her at a very young age 3 or 4, but I can only guess at the reason why he went away (apparently he bought a business), but it brings shivers down my spine at the possibility of something more involved. This allows me to understand more and therefore probably forgive.