So I have read through Sandi's 37 Rules and I cannot see that I haven't adhered to them, at all.
Rule 35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
- I didn't. I replied to an email where she asked a question, after a week. What did I do wrong here?
I've read again through you example conversation flow and I can't see that I've pursued or contacted unnecessarily.
Smilie, thanks for the additional details. I agree with you, you did nothing wrong. My post was more a reminder than trying to say that you did anything wrong. I'd also ask you not to see us giving guidance as reprimanding or coming down on you. There is no true right or wrong here. There are just things that you can do to further hurt your chances of the outcome you want in your sitch. It sounds like you've been doing well with not constantly contacting her, but having been through it before I know the temptation to do so can creep up on you.
Just keep up the good work You'll get through this!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Huh? Sorry don't quite understand. Do you mean that the email engagement was fine. Move on? to....
Please accept my apologies for being thick, I don't think my brain is engaged today as I feel quite stressed about this letter going to the W lawyer.
I really don't want a divorce ... just yet ... but I can't be in this situation either due to financial pressures, so something needs to give and it's likely to be my sanity at this stage!
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Huh? Sorry don't quite understand. Do you mean that the email engagement was fine. Move on? to....
Please accept my apologies for being thick, I don't think my brain is engaged today as I feel quite stressed about this letter going to the W lawyer.
I really don't want a divorce ... just yet ... but I can't be in this situation either due to financial pressures, so something needs to give and it's likely to be my sanity at this stage!
Move on from the email engagement. No one thing you do right or wrong is going to effect the outcome. This is hard stuff and probably the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.
[quote=SteveLW]Smilie, thanks for the additional details. I agree with you, you did nothing wrong. My post was more a reminder than trying to say that you did anything wrong.[/post] Phew! Thought I'd made a huge mistake there - although that would have been part of the learning process.
[quote=SteveLW]I'd also ask you not to see us giving guidance as reprimanding or coming down on you. There is no true right or wrong here.[/post] Don't worry I wouldn't, on all counts. I understand that there is no right or wrong and every situation is different. However I do value people experience so that I can learn.
[quote=SteveLW]There are just things that you can do to further hurt your chances of the outcome you want in your sitch. It sounds like you've been doing well with not constantly contacting her, but having been through it before I know the temptation to do so can creep up on you.[/post] Yes it can.
[quote=SteveLW]Just keep up the good work You'll get through this![/post] It is a trifle difficult. I have noticed that the post for her has dried up, so instead of diverting it, she has changed her address with the different companies I would imagine. I don't think there's any likelihood of her returning this time, not if she's done that.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
This is hard stuff and probably the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.
You are spot on there, indeed it is.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Smilie, thanks for the additional details. I agree with you, you did nothing wrong. My post was more a reminder than trying to say that you did anything wrong.
Phew! Thought I'd made a huge mistake there - although that would have been part of the learning process.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I'd also ask you not to see us giving guidance as reprimanding or coming down on you. There is no true right or wrong here.
Don't worry I wouldn't, on all counts. I understand that there is no right or wrong and every situation is different. However I do value people experience so that I can learn.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
There are just things that you can do to further hurt your chances of the outcome you want in your sitch. It sounds like you've been doing well with not constantly contacting her, but having been through it before I know the temptation to do so can creep up on you.
Yes it can.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Just keep up the good work You'll get through this!
It is a trifle difficult. I have noticed that the post for her has dried up, so instead of diverting it, she has changed her address with the different companies I would imagine. I don't think there's any likelihood of her returning this time, not if she's done that.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
My ex moved 1,000 miles away near her family, got a new place, bought a dog, and enrolled her daughter in school there. And she still came back (although she ended up leaving 10 months later after moving back).
My point is, your W changing her address means nothing in regards to the possibility of her reconciling with you.
She has it in her mind right now, that things are over, so of course she's going to change her mailing address. But remember, feelings can and do change. How she feels today is not how she will feel 3 months, 6 months, or a year from now.
Give her the space she needs to figure her life out. And in the meantime, work on self improvement and get yourself strong and confident again.
My ex moved 1,000 miles away near her family, got a new place, bought a dog, and enrolled her daughter in school there. And she still came back (although she ended up leaving 10 months later after moving back).
My point is, your W changing her address means nothing in regards to the possibility of her reconciling with you.
She has it in her mind right now, that things are over, so of course she's going to change her mailing address. But remember, feelings can and do change. How she feels today is not how she will feel 3 months, 6 months, or a year from now.
I know what you mean. It took her 9 months last time, but she didn't redirect anything. If it is that long, then I will be out of this rented house and elsewhere as the rental period will be up, more than likely as she is paying the rent. Also, that will mean that she will {could} be with the OM for that length of time also.
Originally Posted by Thornton
Give her the space she needs to figure her life out. And in the meantime, work on self improvement and get yourself strong and confident again.
Why does her life keep needing so much sorting out though? I still don't get why she wouldn't verbalise that she felt there was an issue when she thought there was.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Who knows why she's not a good communicator, although I have my suspicions.
When I read your story and about her history of cheating, and also about her childhood, I highly suspect she has issues that have nothing to do with you or your marriage.
The more I think about that also over the weeks, I think that I would agree.
Something hit me today and that was how she had a lot of clients at work (she's a lawyer) in the same week prior to leaving. She had booked the next week off (apparently a while before, even though she didn't tell me). If that week had been booked in advance, then she wouldn't have had a rush of clients, as their appointments would have been previously booked as usual and no appointments would have been able to have been made for the week she was to be off.
In the past when she has had to have time off last minute, she has phoned around her clients to rearrange their appointments to come in at an earlier day so that she can then have that time off. So it stands to reason that she had not had her week off booked in advance (as she told me), but actually booked it last minute and had to rearrange her appointments for that week, to the week earlier - hence the rush of clients.
This tells me that there was not an element of planning here, but a rushed decision, following a conversation the weekend prior where I stated that she seemed to hold work in a higher regard than our relationship, as she didn't want to discuss financial concerns, but preferred to discuss work issues. Other things were said during that conversation and I may have even indicated that it was strange how she kept talking about her team leader at head office and how he came to see her at the local branch and how she went up to the head office a couple of times over a month or two.
She has stated in the text message when she said it was over and that she had feelings for somebody else, that it really wasn't anybody she worked with - "believe nothing they say and half of what they do?"
So although it comes across as planned in some ways, it also comes across as rushed in others.
I know, I'm trying to apply logic again, but I get the feeling that she thought I was "on to her" while I was making an innocent comment, which caused her to bring forward her plans maybe? IDK.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
