WAW Walks Away a Second Time

[smilie]

Hi All

I'm 4 weeks in to my wife walking out for a second time after 10 years. I have continued this thread from my previous one (hope I've linked it right?):

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2920063

Sleeping is an issue and something that I need. Waking early in the morning with dramatic panic attacks are the worst and happens each morning. At the end of the thread (above) suggestions were being made about how to get some more sleep and how the importance of having a routine - which I agree with - and other options to promote sleep.

Does anybody have an idea of these panic attacks and how to cope with those, it may take a couple of weeks for the meds to kick in? Any suggestions most welcome.

[LH19]

Does anybody have an idea of these panic attacks and how to cope with those, it may take a couple of weeks for the meds to kick in? Any suggestions most welcome.

I never had full blown panic attacks but when anxiety would spike I would go for a walk or better a run.

[AnotherStander]

Smilie, very sorry to hear you're going through this! I had never suffered depression or panic attacks in my life, I always thought it was a mental thing and that the people just needed to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" and suck it up. After BD I felt like I was handling things pretty well, then about 4 months after BD without warning or trigger, I suddenly spiraled deep into depression with anxiety and severe panic attacks thrown in for good measure. It was then that I learned just how real of an illness depression is, it's not something you just gut your way out of, it's something that requires medical attention. I found myself in a very dark place very quickly. Was suicidal, my insides felt dead already. It was like I had no "soul". I couldn't find meaning or purpose or happiness in anything. The panic attacks were awful, they would strike at work and home at random times, even in the middle of the night when I was asleep. I would wake up completely freaked out with my heart pounding. I would have to get up and go somewhere, but no matter where I went it was no better. It literally felt like I would die at any minute. Just awful. Anyway I did seek out medical attention. They put my on A/D's and something for the panic attacks. The A/D medication started helping after a week or so, but didn't reach full efficacy until 2 or 3 weeks. That's when I started feeling normal again. I can't remember the anti-anxiety meds they gave me but I only took those if I felt a panic attack coming on. They worked great though, they would stop the attack before it reached full gallop.

After a few months I weaned off the meds with the help of my doctor. If I recall, I think we reduced 10% a week until I was finally off of them. It required chopping the pills up into tiny pieces, but it worked. Once I was off I still felt fine and normal, and have ever since (it's been around 8 years).

So do take the med's, and stick to it. Give them time to work, it takes a while. Good luck!

[smilie]

I never had full blown panic attacks but when anxiety would spike I would go for a walk or better a run.

I wake up with mine, literally wake me up. My plan starting from the morning, is to do a workout before breakfast and actually pus through the attack. See if that works! Gonna be tough though!

[smilie]

AnotherStander: Thank you for your personal account. Yes they are nasty and the last one I had was 10 years ago when this happened the first time. So there's that - obviously I can't handle wives leaving me for OM very well!

The panic attacks were awful, they would strike at work and home at random times, even in the middle of the night when I was asleep. I would wake up completely freaked out with my heart pounding.

Yes, exactly this! Every night.

I really didn't want to take A/D's as I don't know how they will effect my Neurological Condition (Vestibular Migraine). Just have to take a chance as I can't keep feeling like this - it's been 4 weeks and it's no better.

I've tried to stay away from the suicide thing, although it's very easy to go to that place and I was there last time, right there. This time I try to hold the thought that nobody is going to drive me to that place, nobody, even though it always seem to come knocking....

Herbal tea on brew and I have a video to watch "Dollar Vigilante" Jeff Berwick, I find him quite amusing. That'll be an hour from 10, so bed at 11. I have taken my meds - Diazepam + first dose of A/D - so hopefully they won't make my dizziness worse. Although it's fairly bad at he moment for screen work, stress and lack of sleep.

[smilie]

Thank you all for your sleep suggestions (previous thread).

I had a better night's sleep last night, although this morning I am feeling dreadful, so extremely fatigued and can't keep my head up very well. This is my 'bad day' feeling of vestibular migraine (VM) usually, bad chronic fatigue, but I'm guessing that this is more the anti-depressant I took before bed. I am really hoping that it's not going to make my VM symptomology any worse. Because of feeling like this, I haven't been able to do my workout through my panic attack as planned. I'm gussing I'll feel better later and I shall do workout then. First panic attack upon waking was more subdued than before, but still really prominent.

I've been thinking a LOT about all of your comments concerning over-thinking this with logic and reasoning. Yesterday I spent 4 hours reading MWDs DR ( I read slow) and I think I'm just gonna have to let this type of thinking go, as you have all said. I remember from last time that I couldn't apply any logic to this and I can't this time, but my brain wants to really badly. The only differences this time are 1) She left all of her stuff behind, 2) she had admitted PA. and 3) She says she wants a divorce - although last time she did say that it was "pointless delaying the inevitable". Last time it is likely that a PA occurred, but I was not aware of it, this time that's really the only significant difference.

Got to get some 'will' together to do housework today. Going out for a coffee with a member of the park meetup group around 2, so that will be good to have a chat about other stuff - I need to try not to keep talking about my sitch as it drains people I think. So hard as it's so raw.

[joejoe1]

Hi smile,

Sorry to hear you're dealing with those dreaded health problems. I hope you start sleeping better soon.(I remember those long nights, they are awful). What I did might not work for you. I would go for runs and do burpees to wear myself out.

Something that help me with understanding my sitch was, laying all my cards on the table from both sides of my Marriage from the way I saw it and having people from the outside put some of their perspective on my Sitch.

Reading over your Sitch, this is what I see, none of it is an excuse for your wife, but it might help with your understanding of the view from her foxhole.

For the last SEVEN years your wife has been holding it down for the both of you. She has been going to work, paying the bills, coming home to most likely listen to you about your day. You have held a job a few times, but the burden has been on her. And most likely she didn't tell your about how bad her day was, because she was more sympathetic to what your were going through (just my thought, most people don't like to lay their burdens on people they think might have it harder than them). Than, you proposed ideas to help with the financial burden, but your ideas involved her helping with the work, not only helping but you needed her to front the investments to help get your ideas off the ground. Than after all that, you stated she was WAITING on you to get started, and you in turn was waiting on her.

So, to lay it all out
She works
She pays all the bills
She takes care of you
She listen to you come up with ideas about helping with the financial burden
The idea involves her having to help
She has to also front the investment
She has to wait on you to get it started, because you are waiting on her

And she did this for a span of seven years, that's a lot to carry, and most people instead of communicating their unhappiness, they run, they grab onto the first sunlight that their minds and emotions find.

A lot was placed on your wife shoulders, and that load might just have gotten too heavy to carry and lift.

Lastly, about wedding VOWs. Most of make a VERBAL commitment at an alter during, for the most part a blissful time. Most wedding days are exciting and fun. When we make those commitments, we aren't thinking about all the burdens, that happen. So, when I see people reference wedding VOWs as and end all be all for staying committed, it makes me wonder how far from reality we have come. People change, situations change, life change, and so will people values, boundaries and thought processes.

Marriages are like playdoh and less like steel. While the people in the marriage are changing so are their values, boundaries, and outlooks. Marriages and relationship reshape all the time. You have to be able to have space to freely and openly communicate your boundaries and feelings, and if those spaces aren't present, than one or both of the people start to feel trapped. And once something is trapped, the moment it see's freedom it's out.

Keep working on yourself, My personal opinion is the biggest work for yourself is finding independence from having to rely on any person other than yourself. If the computer screen is hurting your eyes, turn the brightness down or buy a tented screen cover. That tinted screen cover works wonders.

Onward and upward

[SteveLW]

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I wake up with mine, literally wake me up. My plan starting from the morning, is to do a workout before breakfast and actually pus through the attack. See if that works! Gonna be tough though!

smilieI can relate to the panic attacks. In fact, in my first sitch in 2005 this is how I realized she was having an EA. She was staying up late in the home office down the hall "working". My first inclination that something wasn't right was one night one of my favorite athletes, in one of his final events, was putting on an amazing performance. After he pulled out a win, I went down to the home-office to tell her about it, and when I came into the HO I say her quickly hide a screen. My sub-conscious picked up on it, but in my excitement about what I was sharing I didn't even think about it much. After all, she had been working so hard, staying up so late each night that I just assumed she had her nose to the grindstone. Nope, she had been down there every night IMing with OM.

That night I woke (about 3-4 hours later) from a dream where she was cheating on me, in a full blown panic attack! Heart racing, shortness of breath, chest pains, feeling of complete hopelessness. It was awful. But that was when I started putting all of the pieces together of what was going on.

Panic, fear, loss of feeling of control. Sleeplessness. No appetite. It all comes with the territory. I've often said that MR problems are one of the worst things a person can go through. Time will help. It does get better and easier. But that is little solace while you are still suffering. AS, like many, have turned to ADs temporarily to help. We've had posters here that were so depressed and distraught they started to have feelings of self-harm. That is a huge red-flag that you need professional help! So if you have those thoughts, even in passing, you need to discuss it with a medical doctor to potentially get on ADs.

I can't remember if you said you are in IC or not? I tell LBSs all the time that these sitches are traumatic and you likely are suffering from some level of PTSD. So do not be too proud to go get IC. All LBSs should be in therapy to help them cope.

[wayfarer]

Steve, he's in a national health care system. And given his issues he can't out of pocket for a private practitioner. He's on a list but still has a few more weeks to go. He's trying, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him that the time line they gave him is true. I had to reach out to my EAP and then out of pocket for my IC. I was put on a waiting list in 2 health care systems for somebody in my network and both told me 8-12 weeks. So his time line isn't too bad in comparison. I was then told at the 8 at week mark that it would like be another 8 weeks but they we're kind enough to refer me to the online CBT and a hotline if I "felt like I was in a mental health crisis." I think hunkering down on self care and being here for support is about there is to offer right now.

[ovrrnbw]

Smilie,

did you read the part of Divorce Remedy where Michele discusses depression? It's very interesting how our minds work.

I really enjoyed the Stop Sign Technique she wrote about. Are you familiar with this?

Also, I like to reverse engineer my mood. For example before I would go home in my sitch I would pull over and throw my arms up in the air and yell "YES"! I'd do that for about 2 minutes. When you do this, you become happy. Michele discuss how your mind's happiness can create this behavior, and how the pathway goes in the opposite direction as well. Anyways, don't let anyone see you lol.

Ultimately, if you have to wait, use this place (and TAM). Come here and talk. Air it out. You seem to be getting a lot of responses, and that is great.