I'm just here hanging out with my new friends. I had a lot of posts to respond to when my last one got "completed" so I'll go through those and respond here.
LH: Its interesting to see how you break things down related to the text I had sent that you commented on. I didn't see that as passive aggressive, I guess I can see how it could be seen that way. I'm not even sure how to work on that.
Oh well, acknowledging it helped me move through it.
R2C: Do I love her unconditionally? Nope. I guess I don't. I loved her as long as she stayed. Now that she has put our family through this, I don't feel "love" for her. So I guess my love by definition was conditional. And I did send the text for me. And I'm okay with that.
CW: I did write out the text in notes. And I'm wasn't a big enough person not to say something on this one. I'm okay with that. I sent that text for me.
SteveLW: Its funny, I don't regret the text that I sent at all. She replied, she also acknowledged the day being hard. And I don't look back at the MR fondly. I look back and think about seeing my kids everyday and being a family - that's what I remember fondly. When I see her now I feel a revulsion and an anger. I want nothing to do with her, but I miss being a family. I miss seeing my kids every day. And I am sad about the future when for the rest of my life and the life of my kids and my grandkids, holidays are going to get split up. It makes me very angry and resentful.
LH: Great point on the "Do" hope you have a blessed day. I didn't even see that. So true.
This past weekend with the kids was awesome. We got to FL on a Friday night and went swimming. Saturday we did a 2 hour dolphin tour on Jet Ski's which was just awesome. My daughter was scared to go and if my Ex was there she would have told my daughter it was OK to bail and then my Ex would have bailed on the tour and been angry with me for scheduling it and then angry because she would have told me to go with my son. (something very similar happened once before).
Instead I told my daughter we were doing it. It was her idea. And that I would take care of her. We worked through it, she did it and she was so happy that she did. It was her favorite thing we did on the trip. And it was really awesome to help her work through her anxiety and overcome it. I had wanted to do that in the past but I'd been held back - so this was great.
We then had lunch on the beach at a beach bar and I had a dad fail where I told them to put on sunscreen and trusted they did a good job. My daughter got a B+ but my son got a D.
So Sunday, we stayed out of the sun. Did Church, Brunch, I swam with my daughter while my son read a book. We went to Hawaiian bar and had virgin Pina Colada's. We walked an ocean pier and saw more dolphins and then I took my daughter to a knock off jewelry store where she got a dolphin pendant and the cutest Fedora.
That night my son and I ate the fish I had caught the week before - which was really cool. And on Monday we did a beach day which was great.
It is tiring being a single parent; I go on a trip like that and I'm worn out - its not a "vacation". But it was so incredibly rewarding. I've got this weekend to recover and then next weekend I'm having a pretty big 4th of July party.
I'm expecting between 40-60 people, so that should be nuts and a lot of fun.
The rest of July is a bit of a bummer as the kids go to camp and then they go on vacation with her so its going to be pretty quiet and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Since my parents are in town I'll use them when I feel lonely to do stuff with. I may set up a date or two for fun - I'm not sure.
I had some good experience dating - it was fun and I learned a lot and it also helped me feel better about being alone and enjoying that time.
The divorce drags on. I was hopeful that today she would accept my first counter offer on the settlement but based on the fact the mediator scheduled two more meetings. One 7/7 and one 8/5 for a total of 8 hours I'm not feeling too good.
From a budget perspective, we agreed to numbers last November when I thought this would be settled by now and I'm running out of money based on what we agreed on but I've made a lot of money that is just sitting in cash because its more than we agreed to. I made my attorney aware that I need my cash and so she's going to give me clearance to get to it so I can keep moving forward on getting things done at my house. I am starting work with a friend that does interior design to transform the space.
Well, that was a lot folks. Thanks for hanging with me.
Oh and one more kind of silly detail. Last November I bought a fiction book, the Terminal List. Well, I had tried to read it for some time but I just could not focus. Anyhow, I finally finished it which was an accomplishment. I'm still struggling with focus at times but I'm getting better.
R2C: Do I love her unconditionally? Nope. I guess I don't. I loved her as long as she stayed. Now that she has put our family through this, I don't feel "love" for her. So I guess my love by definition was conditional. And I did send the text for me. And I'm okay with that.
This might change Scotty, maybe you won't feel that love but you may get to a place where you genuinely wish her well and a happy life. I'm kind of getting there. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness and she's the mother of your children and her happiness will play a big part in their upbringing.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
LH: Its interesting to see how you break things down related to the text I had sent that you commented on. I didn't see that as passive aggressive, I guess I can see how it could be seen that way. I'm not even sure how to work on that.
Oh well, acknowledging it helped me move through it.
R2C: Do I love her unconditionally? Nope. I guess I don't. I loved her as long as she stayed. Now that she has put our family through this, I don't feel "love" for her. So I guess my love by definition was conditional. And I did send the text for me. And I'm okay with that.
CW: I did write out the text in notes. And I'm wasn't a big enough person not to say something on this one. I'm okay with that. I sent that text for me.
SteveLW: Its funny, I don't regret the text that I sent at all. She replied, she also acknowledged the day being hard. And I don't look back at the MR fondly. I look back and think about seeing my kids everyday and being a family - that's what I remember fondly. When I see her now I feel a revulsion and an anger. I want nothing to do with her, but I miss being a family. I miss seeing my kids every day. And I am sad about the future when for the rest of my life and the life of my kids and my grandkids, holidays are going to get split up. It makes me very angry and resentful.
LH: Great point on the "Do" hope you have a blessed day. I didn't even see that. So true.
Well if you are talking about how you feel or trying to get a reaction or make a point then you are typically being passive aggressive.
Scotty B I think it’s best right now to just move forward. No more texts about the door being open or how you feel. No grandiose statements on how you don’t love her anymore. You’re feelings are going to change many times.
Lastly, about single parenting being tiring. Maybe now you can understand how she felt being a SAHM.
I am sad about the future when for the rest of my life and the life of my kids and my grandkids, holidays are going to get split up. It makes me very angry and resentful.
Hi Scotty,
This sounds like catastrophizing. It assumes you’re never able to let go of your anger enough to spend a holiday together. 11yrs after my D, my XW and I get along well. We’ve shared a few strategic holidays since year 5. It also assumes when your kids grow-up if you’re still angry they will humor you and not just say, “Thanksgiving is at my house and everyone’s invited.” I had an XGF who did that.
LH: It does not give me perspective on her being a stay at home mom. If I didn't have to work too, it would be pretty easy. My challenge is balancing work and care and house. For better or worse it does not give me perspective. Especially because over the last 5 years I was "over-functioning". I continued to take on more and more of her responsibilities until she had very little left. I should have pushed back and held her to a standard. That would have potentially improved things. Towards the end I think her sense of self suffered because she had an affair, never really owned it, and then she had quit her job and she was not doing much of anything. I think she was depressed and I think it probably continues.
"Well if you are talking about how you feel or trying to get a reaction or make a point then you are typically being passive aggressive." Interesting thought. I would need to internalize that.
CW: You're right, I am catastrophizing the situation. This is still a disaster in my mind and my brain is looking at all the negatives and worst case scenarios. I don't have good examples of divorce going well for a family. In my family there hasn't been a divorce among my aunt or uncles or grandparents. Nor in hers, so I don't have much of a model - and definitely not a model of a good situation.
OnlyBent: I'm not saying I don't want her to be happy, I hope she figures it out.
I continued to take on more and more of her responsibilities until she had very little left. I should have pushed back and held her to a standard. That would have potentially improved things.
Scott what did this look like? How were going to hold her to a standard? In other words, if she decided she was going to sit on the couch, watch TV and eat bonbons all day, what was the consequences of her not living up to the set standard?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
"Well if you are talking about how you feel or trying to get a reaction or make a point then you are typically being passive aggressive." Interesting thought. I would need to internalize that.
Scott, passive-aggressiveness is a deep, complex subject. I do not think I've ever seen a definition or a description or explanation of it that truly captures what it is in its entirety. The closest I can come to it in my own words is to describe it as anytime you try to use unspoken negative reinforcement to get someone to behave or react in an intended way. But even that doesn't always capture it because I think you can try to use positive reinforcement and still be passive-aggressive!
I can remember being at my cousin's house one time for dinner. His mom had made pasta, and his dad had picked up some donuts for dessert. My cousin, who was a big eater, usually would eat 2 or 3 helpings of pasta. But after one helping, pushed away from the table and said "Mom, that was really good! I really enjoyed that." I looked him, smirked and said, "You just can't wait to get to those donuts, can you?" He laughed and at first tried to deny it, but eventually admitted it. That was passive-aggressiveness!
Here is the big thing: A lot of the time that people are passive-aggressive, they do not even realize it! That is one of the things that happens with Nice Guy Syndrome. Most NGS sufferers aren't actually doing it on purpose. They don't even realize they are being "nice" to try to get something they want. And that is why studying NGS is so eye-opening for those of us that have suffered from it. And that is why sometimes it is so difficult for the person being passive-aggressive to recognize that they are being or have been that way in the past.
I'd be interested in what you come up with looking back over the past few years. My previous post talks about something you mentioned related to "setting a standard" for her lack of living up to her responsibilities. My guess, you were passive-aggressive as you took on more and more of her responsibilities. I can remember in my own MR, I would get home from work to a dishwasher full of clean dishes, and a sink full of dirty ones. My W would be sitting on the couch watching TV in the other room. I would NOISELY empty and refill the dishwasher so she knew I was doing it. That was passive-aggressive behavior.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LH: It does not give me perspective on her being a stay at home mom. If I didn't have to work too, it would be pretty easy. My challenge is balancing work and care and house.
Scotty B you were on vacation having fun and you got tired out. Not defending her just understanding her side.
Originally Posted by ScottB
For better or worse it does not give me perspective. Especially because over the last 5 years I was "over-functioning". I continued to take on more and more of her responsibilities until she had very little left.
By this time it was too late she had begun to plan her exit strategy.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I should have pushed back and held her to a standard. That would have potentially improved things. Towards the end I think her sense of self suffered because she had an affair, never really owned it, and then she had quit her job and she was not doing much of anything. I think she was depressed and I think it probably continues.
You could be absolutely right but she has to figure this all out for herself.
Originally Posted by ScottB
"Well if you are talking about how you feel or trying to get a reaction or make a point then you are typically being passive aggressive." Interesting thought. I would need to internalize that.
Scotty B it is my opinion that any sent text, letter, email etc from a LBS within the first 3 years of a D they are looking for some sort of reaction. Dig deep on this one.
Originally Posted by ScottB
CW: You're right, I am catastrophizing the situation. This is still a disaster in my mind and my brain is looking at all the negatives and worst case scenarios. I don't have good examples of divorce going well for a family. In my family there hasn't been a divorce among my aunt or uncles or grandparents. Nor in hers, so I don't have much of a model - and definitely not a model of a good situation.
Scotty B I hear you and no one on this board wants to be divorced. But again, you say "my mind" and "my brain" but are not looking at her mind or her brain. Now it could very likely turn out that she made a mistake but you have to let HER come to that conclusion without any influence from you.
