MC is a giant magnifying glass on the cracks in your relationship. That's why most recommendations are to stay away from it until both parties are committed to the relationship. You'll gain communication skills and learn things about your spouse that will create moments of deep emotional intimacy but that is laced with that magnifying glass. Two people who aren't fully committed to the relationship with certainty will imploded in MC.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm no expert at DBing, I know I did it poorly, but even if I had, it would have made no difference. What has made a difference for me is gaining my self-respect back. And I did that by not putting myself in a situation where my STBXW could treat me like dirt and I keep hanging round hoping for a change in heart.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Be curious about where others are coming from, and when they call you upset, try to practice validation and/or active listening to hear them out before explaining your perspective. Unless they’re abusive.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
There have been significant developments in the month since my last substantive update...
The financial negotiations ramped up ahead of our trial date. It seems no one (judge, lawyers, plaintiff, or defendant) actually wants a trial. Negotiations were a major stressor between caring for the kids, focusing on a major work assignment, and reviewing the two dozen page documents and back/forth of negotiations...it was a lot. Also, I'm meticulous and was analyzing everything and hoping in my head things closed out my way. However, the open issues to address at that point were narrow and it was in everyone's interest to come to an agreement and avoid trial.
In the end, although I never wanted divorce and my family to break up, I faired very favorably in the agreement...
Custody - Most importantly, 50/50 custody with no primary residence and successfully negotiated a "right of first refusal" so that the kids can't be dumped off to non-family members without the me having a chance to be with them instead. In practical terms this applies to the nights and I see my children significantly more than her due to before/after school and every Friday (regardless of who's week it is) as well as vacations over her time.
Spousal Support - Waived. She was entitled to some, but based on the relatively short (7 years) of marriage and both of us having an income it wouldn't have been substantial or long-running.
Child Support - Unfortunately our state is very unfair to me, but the law is the law. Despite having 50% nights and my caring for the the kids significantly more during the days, I have to pay her a consequential amount for the next 15-18 years, simply because I earn more. However, we did get a deviation from the presumptive amount, and my attorney says I got a "good deal", at least based on current law.
Financial Assets - I'm coming out with roughly 85% of the assets. Fortunately for me we reside in an "equitable" not "equal" distribution state. I proved a significant amount of pre-martial assets (which are taken off the top before the rest is split) whereas she was in debt...so I leave with most of the money. She got a slightly better deal on her car and house, but I won big-time on valuation of my house, last year's taxes, 401k, bank accounts...etc. Feeling confident my L and I crushed it in the negotiations (not sure if she even realizes it to be honest).
Emotionally the process was draining. I had a breakdown when reading over the settlement proposal for the first time. In the months prior I had been quite strong and loving life, but think the finality of it really hit me. Reading the document I started tearing up and went to the bedroom to lie down and cry. It was a cathartic release. Unfortunately I had to toughen up because it came no long before S6 needed to be picked up from school for the day. But definitely reflected on all the pain and destruction of W's affairs and the divorce process. It's sad. She must have such internal turmoil from her upbringing to cause all this pain to her husband and children. For my part, I'm just doing my best to work through it and move forward.
GAL - Started a 13-session religious-based separation/divorce support group program to discuss various topics (anger, depression, loneliness, dating, finances...etc.), so hopefully that'll be helpful, though my observation of the first week is that most folks are struggling more than me. I also started playing in an adult soccer league now with co-workers, which is good for GAL and exercise, though we're a bit older than some of the "kids" running around the field LOL. And of course still coaching S6's soccer and baseball teams. I'm also thinking of going back for my Master's degree online (starting one course in the Fall semester) as my employer will pay the cost, but want to make sure I can balance everything and keep the kids my priority. Also may tip my toes into the dating pool this Summer.
In terms of the actual legal process, we're not technically divorced yet. We both signed the settlement agreement, the judge cancelled the trial, and W's attorney filed the paperwork today. Next step is for the judge to review everything and sign off. That will probably be in the next week or two. At that point I will be officially divorced.
Of course we'll still 18 more years of child rearing to navigate together...
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Plan of Action for the Husband with a Wayward Wife
Following the initial bomb drop or discovery of an affair, you will be highly stressed and emotionally vulnerable. You will be in a state of reaction for a period of time, which places your decisions and behavior at risk. This emotional state can leave you experiencing waves of various feelings and moods. The natural reaction is usually to secure the relationship ASAP. However, nothing will immediately result in your favor until you can reach stability and have clarity in your own head.
I. Accept what you cannot control or change.
A. Accept that you cannot control your wife’s feelings, decisions, or actions.
B. Accept the fact that the bomb was not your wayward wife’s way of warning you that the marriage was in trouble. She was not trying to wake you in order to work on the marriage. It was her way of telling you it is too late and she is done with it. Do not act upon your urges to plead with her for another chance. Do not try to prove how much you love her. This is not the time. She doesn’t want it and will reject it.
C. Accept that no matter how badly you wish to correct your faults in the marriage and only want a chance to prove yourself as a better husband, she has moved past that point.
D. Accept the painful fact that your WW does not want to work on the MR. She does not feel in love with you, and is not the same person you married.
E. Accept that your WW is not going to snap back into the wife and mother that she was in the past. This is not going to be a short run. She has to go through a process, and there is no snapping back into normality.
F. Accept that you will not be able to control the lives of your children when they are with her. You will not be able to prevent her from introducing them to whomever she wishes, including her affair partner.
G. Accept the fact that you are the only person you can control.
II. Regain mental stability and clarity.
A. Let go of the fear of upsetting her. She has expressed her loss of happiness and love, and is considering a separation or divorce. At this point, she has fired you as her husband. Begin thinking of your WW and yourself as two entities.
B. Break your habit of rescuing her. It is not your responsibility to make her happy or fix things for her. Allow her to deal with consequences of her behavior and decisions. Stop putting forth effort to be her husband, in the practical sense.
C. Do not lie to cover up for her. This is her mess and her responsibility to clean it up. She will have to deal with the fallout without you recuing her.
D. Let go of your habit of over explaining or giving an account to your wife.
E. Do not make any rash decisions. Whatever decisions you are thinking about, run it by the DB board or your confidant, to get an unbiased opinion. You are vulnerable to your emotions.
F. Do not be concerned about what she thinks of you or your decisions/actions during this period. Whenever you catch yourself worrying what she thinks of your actions or reactions, remember your goal is to get your mind and emotions to a place of stability and clarity. As long as you are focused on what she thinks or feels, you aren’t focused on your goal.
III. Proactive steps
A. Separate yourself from the emotional drama of the WW. Put space between you and your WW. Do not engage in relationship discussions. Don’t try to secure the relationship by getting a commitment from your W. During this period, do not make any promises or agree to any changes that will directly affect your future. Do not talk about your feelings for her, or tell her you don’t want a D and how committed you are to saving the M.
B. Follow the 37 rules that are pertinent to your situation.
C. Focus on self healing, rather than relationship healing. Gather reading material, confide in someone who is professionally bound to confidentiality, meditate, take alone time outside with nature, listen to motivational tapes, post on the DB board, and listen to music that energizes you. Socialize with positive people, and those who honestly love you. Don’t seek communication, solace, or advice with her circle of friends or relatives. Stay off Face Book and other social media types. Take exceptional care of your physical wellness. It is not a sign of weakness to take medication, if needed. Talk to the man in the mirror every morning while shaving. You need to be his best friend.
D. Seek legal counsel to know your rights and where you will stand financially, should you divorce, pay child support, seek custody, etc. Learn what steps to take in protecting yourself in these areas, and anything else.
E. In cases of separation, have a child care/visitation schedule for the parents.
F. GAL!
G. No more Mr. Nice Guy! Stop being a pushover, and stand up for yourself. Appeasing a WW does not score brownie points.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So my D is FINAL....In doing the occasional retrospectives on my MR, I have pretty clearly identified my mistakes and owned them....I encourage everyone to stay positive, GAL and don't let your sitch drag you down. Don't allow your identity to be defined by your WW or WAW. Take control of you life, all of it, grab it with both hands. Unless you believe in reincarnation, this is it so make the most of it. Don't be afraid of being alone for awhile, or of new experiences and R's. Don't let fear dictate your decisions. Put a smile on your face and watch how much better it will make you feel, it really works.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Something that help me with understanding my sitch was, laying all my cards on the table from both sides of my Marriage from the way I saw it and having people from the outside put some of their perspective on my Sitch.
Reading over your Sitch, this is what I see, none of it is an excuse for your wife, but it might help with your understanding of the view from her foxhole.
For the last SEVEN years your wife has been holding it down for the both of you. She has been going to work, paying the bills, coming home to most likely listen to you about your day. You have held a job a few times, but the burden has been on her. And most likely she didn't tell your about how bad her day was, because she was more sympathetic to what your were going through (just my thought, most people don't like to lay their burdens on people they think might have it harder than them). Than, you proposed ideas to help with the financial burden, but your ideas involved her helping with the work, not only helping but you needed her to front the investments to help get your ideas off the ground. Than after all that, you stated she was WAITING on you to get started, and you in turn was waiting on her.
So, to lay it all out She works She pays all the bills She takes care of you She listen to you come up with ideas about helping with the financial burden The idea involves her having to help She has to also front the investment She has to wait on you to get it started, because you are waiting on her
And she did this for a span of seven years, that's a lot to carry, and most people instead of communicating their unhappiness, they run, they grab onto the first sunlight that their minds and emotions find.
A lot was placed on your wife shoulders, and that load might just have gotten too heavy to carry and lift.
Lastly, about wedding VOWs. Most of make a VERBAL commitment at an alter during, for the most part a blissful time. Most wedding days are exciting and fun. When we make those commitments, we aren't thinking about all the burdens, that happen. So, when I see people reference wedding VOWs as and end all be all for staying committed, it makes me wonder how far from reality we have come. People change, situations change, life change, and so will people values, boundaries and thought processes.
Marriages are like playdoh and less like steel. While the people in the marriage are changing so are their values, boundaries, and outlooks. Marriages and relationship reshape all the time. You have to be able to have space to freely and openly communicate your boundaries and feelings, and if those spaces aren't present, than one or both of the people start to feel trapped. And once something is trapped, the moment it see's freedom it's out.
Keep working on yourself, My personal opinion is the biggest work for yourself is finding independence from having to rely on any person other than yourself.
Onward and upward
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
When W cheated/left she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.
That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!
You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.
Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
