WAW Walks Away a Second Time

[smilie]

Smile, if I understand correctly, she said she didn't cheat 10yrs ago, and you believe she did cheat. We don't know the truth of that situation. We do know YOU were willing to build the last 10yrs on a lie.

This of course is a true comment, very true. But she could never remember where she lived when she moved out 10 years back, couldn't remember the street, couldn't remember the house that her 'client' had said she could stay in. I always thought this suspicious.

But you are correct, for sure, we only know my side of the story as fact. And yes I was prepared to live a lie simply because I wanted to believe that she was telling me the truth. I wanted to fix our marriage and be honest. Only she knows if she was honest and truthful and what her intentions were.

Wherever you go, there you are. Why were you willing to do that? You might have had a good reason. You say it led to 10 good years for you before she gave up again and had an exit affair.

Why? Love maybe, commitment, the belief that working on a marriage is the thing that you do and that working on issues in a relationship is what you do to sort them out? I can't say the second time around that 'love is in the air' as a feeling for me at this moment in time - nor anger, nor hate, nor jealousy - just frustration, worry and panic and that's probably about the future.

Yes we've had a good few years, even through my illness, it's been a challenge but we have got some good memories to look back on and of course not so nice ones too. It's a shame I couldn't realise my dream for our life, but she didn't want it and that makes me feel like a failure.

[smilie]

I disagree with the author on almost every point. 1) I take offense whenever a woman tells me I must behave a certain way or I'm not a "real man". It's an attempt to shame us to follow gender stereotypes OR comparing us against some ideal man like women are sometimes compared to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. 2) Most would agree a face-to-face breakup is good form at the end of an LTR barring safety concerns or other special circumstances. However, I don't believe it's obligatory to explain all the reasons why. That makes more sense before ending the relationship. 3) While a narcissist may do those things, doing those things doesn't make you a narcissist as she implies. See the DSM-5 for how to determine if someone is a narcissist.

Very good points you make, of course. I didn't take the time to consider that actually. My bad.

Seeing as my wife left and lied about shy she was leaving - needed space - and that she told me it was over by text, if it does also apply to women (as WAW applies also to men, WAH) then it would make her a cowardly narcissist and would the rules of WAW still apply, I wonder?

No, your XW and my XGF aren't narcissists just because they broke-up with us over text, lol.[/quote]
Still harsh though. I know I would never do that as it is cowardly and disrespectful in my book, especially seeing as you have been sharing a life together for years. I suppose from their point of view it's the easiest and less emotional - they haven't got to see you upset and therefore don't have the risk of feeling guilty, they haven't got to answer any questions you may have and they don't have to feel upset either. Basically they haven't got to deal with it - we do! :-)

[Ready2Change]

So it's basically me then. I wasn't attentive enough perhaps. I wasn't very good in bed maybe. And for all intents and purposes I wasn't bringing in an income. So it's me, I am the failure here.

All relationships are 50/50.

In my case, I blamed my wife...until BD..then I initially blamed myself. In reality, we both had issues. The way we interacted was broken and neither one of us knew how to fix it. Neither had the skill set.

The good news is you can change. You can grow. You can clean up your 50%. You can behave different. You can interact with others different. You can make different choices. You learn new ways to communicate. You learn as much as you can about attraction and seduction. Drop unattractive traits and add attractive traits to your behaviors.

You have been given a gift, even if you can't see it, we can. Take this time to become happy alone. That doesn't mean you don't interact with others. Just don't make your happiness dependent on having a woman in your life.

She has just as many issues as you, but she most likely will not grow. At some point, she may see all your changes and like what she sees. She will most likely miss her friendship with you. At that point, you will be completely detached and hopefully have a whole new set of skills to deal with her.


Read as many of the quote threads:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2910892



Set her free. Do not pursue her. Give her what she has asked for. This is unconditional love.

[LH19]

In my case, I blamed my wife...until BD..then I initially blamed myself. In reality, we both had issues. The way we interacted was broken and neither one of us knew how to fix it. Neither had the skill set.

This is 95% of the cases here IMO.

[smilie]

The good news is you can change. You can grow. You can clean up your 50%. You can behave different. You can interact with others different. You can make different choices. You learn new ways to communicate. You learn as much as you can about attraction and seduction. Drop unattractive traits and add attractive traits to your behaviors.

And I will be looking forward to that. I've always been the one to communicate with everyone anyway. I lived on my own for a while and learned the skills that I needed to be alone, stay alone. It certainly does make you a more rounded person. All I need to do now then, is learn the other stuff I didn't learn the first time! :-)

You have been given a gift, even if you can't see it, we can. Take this time to become happy alone. That doesn't mean you don't interact with others. Just don't make your happiness dependent on having a woman in your life.

I was there before we met. I lived on my own for a fair while - a couple of years almost - she never has. Part of me is dreading it especially in the current climate and the state of the world, but the bigger part of me is looking forward to see what I can create in the world and in myself. And you're right, I can't see it at the moment! :-)

She has just as many issues as you, but she most likely will not grow. At some point, she may see all your changes and like what she sees. She will most likely miss her friendship with you. At that point, you will be completely detached and hopefully have a whole new set of skills to deal with her.

She may see my changes, she may not. I don't plan to be around here too much longer as I want to see if I can break away from the area completely, so we won't be anywhere near each other. I do plan to completely detach as I don't think that I want to go through this again, not at my age. I think that the healing from the damage caused by her affair may take too long, if I were prepared to forgive and try again, but I think that there is much healing to do and feel that we must do that apart. It's making tears run down my face just typing this as I do love her dearly and I always have ... always will and the sad thing is, she knows it. She is the only person that I would put my life on the line for in the blink of an eye, without question. She knows that too. But I'm not sure that I can do this again, not now, not in another few years when she decides to repeat the pattern once again, I just don't know if I could.

Set her free. Do not pursue her. Give her what she has asked for. This is unconditional love.

I have. I'm not. I am. It is.

Lovely words, thank you.

[Ready2Change]

If there was any type of chance we could somehow start to mend this situation, I would be up for the discussion.

Most make the mistake that they believe talking is the solution. Validating her feelings, setting boundaries, completely changing the way you behave as well as the way you interact with her are significantly more important.

Avoid R talk at all costs. If she brings it up, then you validate her feelings. Hone and nail down those skills before you need them. You can practice them with everyone.

[smilie]

If there was any type of chance we could somehow start to mend this situation, I would be up for the discussion.

Most make the mistake that they believe talking is the solution. Validating her feelings, setting boundaries, completely changing the way you behave as well as the way you interact with her are significantly more important.

Avoid R talk at all costs. If she brings it up, then you validate her feelings. Hone and nail down those skills before you need them. You can practice them with everyone.

With her not being here and most likely moved in with OM, I doubt there will be any chance for any interactions. It has been 2 weeks fully NC now, 5 weeks since she told me she wasn't coming home to the day, and she hasn't even yet responded to my lawyers letter. For some reason she seems to be taking her time, even though she was the one wanting things to happen quickly - quick depart, then mention she wants a divorce inside of 2 weeks, then nothing.

My social circle is virtually non-existent to practice these skills. However, whenever I get the chance I will, just in case. I shall see if I can find some examples....

[smilie]

People on this group mentioned IC and I was just wondering what kind people felt most effective? I really want to get something started, as I have been waiting in the health service here (UK) but there is an 8 week wait and 5 weeks in I still haven't heard about an appointment, despite chasing them. I am a little concerned that general/traditional counseling may not be exactly tailored to this situation and wondered what style of IC has worked for them.

[OnlyBent]

People on this group mentioned IC and I was just wondering what kind people felt most effective? I really want to get something started, as I have been waiting in the health service here (UK) but there is an 8 week wait and 5 weeks in I still haven't heard about an appointment, despite chasing them. I am a little concerned that general/traditional counseling may not be exactly tailored to this situation and wondered what style of IC has worked for them.

I assume by traditional you mean CBT. In terms of finding the most effective, I think this comes down to finding the right therapist. My first one after my sitch didn't really work for me, she just listened and I left the session feeling like I had just talked about my STBXW for 50 mins whilst she asked a few questions here and there. The next lady that I saw was completely different. She called me out on my BS and helped my identify my part in the end of the M, and most importantly she gave me questions to answer and tasks to complete to help change those behaviours. She is straight up, doesn't mess about so I know when she says something she isn't just saying it to make me feel better.

In terms of other therapy, I have heard that EMDR is very good for trauma. I looked into on the suggestion of CW and May on this board but all the practitioners in my city are all full with no room for new clients at ethe moment. Perhaps that says something about its effectiveness.

[OnlyBent]

If there was any type of chance we could somehow start to mend this situation, I would be up for the discussion.

Most make the mistake that they believe talking is the solution. Validating her feelings, setting boundaries, completely changing the way you behave as well as the way you interact with her are significantly more important.

Avoid R talk at all costs. If she brings it up, then you validate her feelings. Hone and nail down those skills before you need them. You can practice them with everyone.

With her not being here and most likely moved in with OM, I doubt there will be any chance for any interactions. It has been 2 weeks fully NC now, 5 weeks since she told me she wasn't coming home to the day, and she hasn't even yet responded to my lawyers letter. For some reason she seems to be taking her time, even though she was the one wanting things to happen quickly - quick depart, then mention she wants a divorce inside of 2 weeks, then nothing.

My social circle is virtually non-existent to practice these skills. However, whenever I get the chance I will, just in case. I shall see if I can find some examples....

Focus on you Smilie and make the changes for you. Work under the assumption that she isn't coming back and that you will be ok no matter what happens. I was told this over and over and it took me a while to believe it. I know how desperate the situation can seem at the time, but trust me it does get better.