WAW Walks Away a Second Time

[smilie]

This is hard. Very hard. I feel that I have had my insides ripped out today and I feel that I'm on a downward spiral into oblivion - somebody please tell me that this gets better at some stage. I had a short weight workout this morning and pottering around the house preparing a meal in the slow cooker, all the while my body just shakes and trembles - it will not stop.

It's amazing how everything that I see that reminds me of her, makes me shake. The recipes that I was looking through have all been printed by her at work, labels in the recipe book and her handwriting on the pages. All of it makes me shake even more. Why do I miss her so much, even though she has had an affair?

I need to get the house sorted and things sold that I can't take to where ever I am going to end up, but can't bring myself to do it. Part of me thinks that I need to "show" her that I've been getting ready to get on with my life when she comes to collect her things in 10 days time, by sorting things out and boxing some things up, even though I have nowhere to move to. I am dreading it. Absolutely everything about this situation is not fine and it makes me see how vulnerable I have made myself over the years and how pathetic I now am, as a person ... as a man. I wasn't anything like this before she left and was a rally confident person, but now I am just a quivering pathetic mess. I just wish this was the end, but apparently it's not.

Does this actually get better? Because after 5 weeks it feels like it's getting a lot worse....

[OnlyBent]

Hey Smilie, it gets better, I promise. But don’t just rely on time to do the work, you need to do the work. Think of it like a wound, if you treat the wound like crap, in time it will still heal but with a big ugly scar. If you care for it properly, the scar will be barely noticeable.

Read the advice, do the work, focus on you not her. Trust me, she does not give 1 sh!t about your changes or your progress right now.

Read the post titled “you will not die”. Trust that you are not unique here and that many have been where you are and are in fact now ok, if not thriving.

[LH19]

This is hard. Very hard. I feel that I have had my insides ripped out today and I feel that I'm on a downward spiral into oblivion - somebody please tell me that this gets better at some stage.

It absolutely get better with time. Bent used a great analogy.

Why do I miss her so much, even though she has had an affair?

Because your thinking and acting on emotion and not logic and reason. Just like your W is right now.

Part of me thinks that I need to "show" her that I've been getting ready to get on with my life when she comes to collect her things in 10 days time, by sorting things out and boxing some things up, even though I have nowhere to move to.

This is what is known as the "illusion of actions". You feel you need to do something to win her back. Unfortunately nothing you do will have an effect on her right now.

I am dreading it. Absolutely everything about this situation is not fine and it makes me see how vulnerable I have made myself over the years and how pathetic I now am, as a person ... as a man.

You are not pathetic. You are a man who loves his w. You can see this as a gift so you can now work on yourself so if this happens again you will be ok right away.

I wasn't anything like this before she left and was a rally confident person, but now I am just a quivering pathetic mess.

Be kind to yourself smilie.

I just wish this was the end, but apparently it's not.

It's going to take a really long time for your emotions to level out. One hour at a time.

Does this actually get better? Because after 5 weeks it feels like it's getting a lot worse....

Yes! Absolutely! I am living proof.

[SteveLW]

This is hard. Very hard. I feel that I have had my insides ripped out today and I feel that I'm on a downward spiral into oblivion - somebody please tell me that this gets better at some stage. I had a short weight workout this morning and pottering around the house preparing a meal in the slow cooker, all the while my body just shakes and trembles - it will not stop.

It's amazing how everything that I see that reminds me of her, makes me shake. The recipes that I was looking through have all been printed by her at work, labels in the recipe book and her handwriting on the pages. All of it makes me shake even more. Why do I miss her so much, even though she has had an affair?

I need to get the house sorted and things sold that I can't take to where ever I am going to end up, but can't bring myself to do it. Part of me thinks that I need to "show" her that I've been getting ready to get on with my life when she comes to collect her things in 10 days time, by sorting things out and boxing some things up, even though I have nowhere to move to. I am dreading it. Absolutely everything about this situation is not fine and it makes me see how vulnerable I have made myself over the years and how pathetic I now am, as a person ... as a man. I wasn't anything like this before she left and was a rally confident person, but now I am just a quivering pathetic mess. I just wish this was the end, but apparently it's not.

Does this actually get better? Because after 5 weeks it feels like it's getting a lot worse....

I'll be honest. Without a good amount of GAL it takes a long time. Sitting and stewing on your sitch will not help you move forward quickly. The LBSs that do GAL the worst struggle the most. You have to be moving forward with your life regardless of your WAS. Though 5 weeks is a very short amount of time. I know it feels like a long time to you, but it is a drop in the bucket. You've read DR. You have been on the board for a couple of weeks now. How is your GAL going?

[Thornton]

I can relate, SMilie.

Everything reminded me of her, and I mean EVERYTHING.

She went to the gym with me a few times before we split, and I can recall working out one day after she left me. And I literally dialed in the the machine she used a few times when we were together and it brought up this profound feeling of loneliness and anxiety. I couldn't visit restaurants or stores we frequented for months after we split.

It will get better, I promise, but it does take time.

The passage of time is the only thing that truly works along with doing things to boost your self esteem (GAL, therapy, exercise, and healthy diet).

[smilie]

Hey Smilie, it gets better, I promise. But don’t just rely on time to do the work, you need to do the work. Think of it like a wound, if you treat the wound like crap, in time it will still heal but with a big ugly scar. If you care for it properly, the scar will be barely noticeable.

Good analogy and very much like the one that I use from a coaching programme I trained with. Yes, I am a trained coach believe it or not! Nothing seems to work while you're in it yourself.

Read the advice, do the work, focus on you not her. Trust me, she does not give 1 sh!t about your changes or your progress right now.

I'm sure she doesn't give a hoot about me at the moment and she has clearly shown this once again, as she did 10 years back. "Doing the work" leaves me in a position of not knowing exactly what others perceive this 'work' to be and whether my thoughts match. So I shall explain a bit about what I've been up to.

So 'the work' that I have been doing first and foremost, is to try to put myself into a position where I can maneuver. Initially because she had turned around and left on a dime and taken the savings along with her, I was left with nothing. I couldn't hire a lawyer or arrange to find a place to live (this place is rented) and she started the clock ticking saying that she will pay the rent and bills for 3 months (end of August). So nice of her, until I uncover that I am paying for that with the money she took - what kind of game is this? So for the first 3 weeks (and Lord knows how I was able to do it being a blubbering mess), I was trying to find some money so that I had it available to me.

First off, crypto -> cash -> Hire a lawyer. So that was that sorted. Step 2: Release some cash from a pension to use as moving & living money for the next 12-24 months. That step was completed today.

During that time I have Re-read almost all of DR, heaps of information on the DB Forums and made certain that I don't lose any more weight (lost almost 1.5 stone from stress alone). I have forced myself to eat properly and I have been working out each day, until I was put on anti-anxiety meds. Had to have a few days break, but I'm back working out this morning.

I'm in the process of trying to find a counsellor/psychologist/etc., to help me through the process, as the state-run counsellors here in the UK (NHS), have a backlog of at least 8 weeks for an appointment and I'm not even sure if that's the right type of approach they recommend (CBT). I have a call-out to a relationship counsellor (no callback yet).

I have also been going out for walks and reading in the park and to the pub to type my journal and been meeting up with a few people and talking to others (as I talk with anybody about anything!). I have also re-joined the group where coaches who trained on the same methods as I did, meet online with a weekly live-stream, as I previously dropped out of this interaction because 1) I wasn't actively practicing as a coach and, 2) I spent the time with my wife instead.

Also I have some other training courses that I am planning to study (if I can get my brain to behave), based around psychology stuff that I purchased a short while back - Shadow Mastery (Carl Jung's work) and have been listening to the "Dad Starting Over" Podcast which seem full of useful information not dis-similar to some of the information here.

Oh and housework. Ironing this afternoon while listening to a 1.5 hour session of coaching methodologies. As well as starting to sort through the contents of the house to decide on Sell, Bin, Store or Take.

So, not sure if there's other things I am missing?

Read the post titled “you will not die”. Trust that you are not unique here and that many have been where you are and are in fact now OK, if not thriving.

I bet I'm not unique. Some of the things I have read are exactly the same or very similar and my heart goes out to those people who had to suffer this. You guys have so much knowledge and insight - probably because you've been through the wringer too.

[smilie]

LH19
Now there's the thing about the emotions and I would agree. When I have to 'deal' with something - reply to an email, make a phone call, sort out a problem, I am working with my logic & reasoning and the shaking stops and I feel sort of normal. As soon as I finish the emotions start again. So, this is what she is acting on is it? Damn, that's nasty to be in a position where you act on them rather than try to understand what's going on, could get you in to all types of nasty situations! :-) <-- bad go at a joke!

It's interesting about your comment in the "Illusion of Actions" as I don't consciously think that I want her back, so there's the emotions thing again driving that behaviour.

I can tell that it will take a while for emotions to level out, I remember last time I was a wreck for months. Although it may not seem like it, I don't think I'm as bad this time as I have been able to function much better than I remember before. I think these past couple of days have been the worst so far, as the weather has been rubbish so I haven't been out too much and I am thinking about things more in regard to whether she is still having a good time with what she is doing, or whether she's having second thoughts. I think that it's this that's tripping me up. I need to let go of thinking about her and focus on me, as Bent says.

I do tend to beat myself up a bit, so I'll take it easy on myself for a while.


SteveLW / Thornton
Yep GAL going good as far as I can tell, I posted a reply to Bent (above) detailing what I've been up to. Not sure whether that's the kind of work we're on about here?

It doesn't help having ALL of her stuff still here. Perhaps after she comes to collect some of her bits it will make things a bit easier. It is horrible though and yes, it triggers anxiety and the shakes immediately in me also. Nasty state of affairs.

Thanks for all of your kind words and sharing your experiences. I know it can't be easy and I appreciate your time more than you will know. Thank you

[ovrrnbw]

Hey Smilie,

I know that feeling. It is tough but it 100% gets better in time.

Your mind will eventually start thinking about something else. And then it is normally after being said to start feeling happy again. You can recognize these patterns and plan for them.

Just sit tight and get through the tough times.

[harvey]

A lot of great advice being given on the boards the last few days. Smilie, it will get better. Detaching is key. Don't sit around stewing on the situation. GAL is key to detachment. A simple start is visiting or calling your family and friends more often. Find somebody that provides a healthy support system. If you don't have friends and family nearby, join some meetup groups. Go on road trips. Read books that have nothing to do with saving your marriage. Stay active physically (if you can) and mentally.

Now is the time to detach. That should be the focus. You can work on your flaws in the next stage (by reading relationship books, etc.)

Before you met your W were you happy? If so, get back to being that person. I think all of us lose a part of themselves in an LTR... the things that made us attractive to our spouses. Rediscover those things.

[smilie]

A lot of great advice being given on the boards the last few days. Smilie, it will get better. Detaching is key. Don't sit around stewing on the situation. GAL is key to detachment. A simple start is visiting or calling your family and friends more often. Find somebody that provides a healthy support system. If you don't have friends and family nearby, join some meetup groups. Go on road trips. Read books that have nothing to do with saving your marriage. Stay active physically (if you can) and mentally.

Now is the time to detach. That should be the focus. You can work on your flaws in the next stage (by reading relationship books, etc.)

Before you met your W were you happy? If so, get back to being that person. I think all of us lose a part of themselves in an LTR... the things that made us attractive to our spouses. Rediscover those things.

The people on here have been brilliant and so much good advice and compassion has been shared, for which I am grateful. I certainly haven't been sitting around stewing and feeling sorry for myself, I have been quite active. It's just the quiet moments first thing in the morning and the evening that hits me hard. I have noticed that I'm not so focused on talking about it (the wife going) in detail as much at the moment and it currently feels like it's draining out of my system - I wonder how long that will last. I feel like I'm 'talked out'.

I reached out to a couple of friends (not too local, with one being a 50 minute drive) and they have been brilliant and gave me so much of their time over the past few weeks. I noticed they are pulling away a bit now, so I shall back off and let them recover. I created a mind-map today outlining a plan for my New Life to flesh out some ideas. I also rejoined a coaching group that I was a member of after training to be a coach and had a live meeting tonight. The relationship counsellor called back, she also does EMDR but her rate is too high for me at the moment and there's no option to scale based on income.

I wouldn't say that I was exactly happy when I met my wife way back 21 years ago, but I was content, able to support myself, make a place in the world, was confident and assertive. I always have had a good sense of humour and talk to anybody when I'm out and about, so that has always been a good start and something that attracted my wife (and I've never lost that).

As far as road-trips are concerned, I may just need to go on a couple of those as I need to go look around some new areas to live. I can't decide at the moment where to be, so that'll take some thinking. Also, I have got a couple of courses to study and the house contents to start to sort out - nothing to do with relationships - will stay away from those for a while then.

So hopefully all this will help to detach in a way that can get me in a place to heal.