Hopefully not. Some of us have worn the WAS hat. If I’d left my XW after 10yrs a year earlier, I might’ve still cared, but instead I used that last bit of care to give her another year to change. By the time I left I’d given her all I could and it was time to focus on me and my kids. I was totally done 2 weeks before BD.
Same when I left my exH I was done, done. Had I gone 4 or 5 years sooner maybe I would've cared or worried but by that point not only had I exhausted all avenues of saving that MR, I had exhausted any ability to consider his feelings in the matter any more.
Hopefully not. Some of us have worn the WAS hat. If I’d left my XW after 10yrs a year earlier, I might’ve still cared, but instead I used that last bit of care to give her another year to change. By the time I left I’d given her all I could and it was time to focus on me and my kids. I was totally done 2 weeks before BD.
Same when I left my exH I was done, done. Had I gone 4 or 5 years sooner maybe I would've cared or worried but by that point not only had I exhausted all avenues of saving that MR, I had exhausted any ability to consider his feelings in the matter any more.
This is interesting to me as you were both done and never looked backed. This site leads you to believe that the WW is in a temporary fog and will later regret their decision. This fog talk IMO gets people here stuck.
Hopefully not. Some of us have worn the WAS hat. If I’d left my XW after 10yrs a year earlier, I might’ve still cared, but instead I used that last bit of care to give her another year to change. By the time I left I’d given her all I could and it was time to focus on me and my kids. I was totally done 2 weeks before BD.
Same when I left my exH I was done, done. Had I gone 4 or 5 years sooner maybe I would've cared or worried but by that point not only had I exhausted all avenues of saving that MR, I had exhausted any ability to consider his feelings in the matter any more.
So for both of these experiences I am assuming that there was some form of communication with the LBS prior to the relationship being severed, with regard to there being a problem that needed addressing? If this wasn't the case, then how had all avenues been exhausted? If this was the case and the LBS did not make any positive changes, then leaving and being 'done', would be understandable.
In my situation, nothing was communicated, ever. The impression was given that everything was fine. There was no clues, no moaning about anything, no comments, no negative statements - absolutely nothing. Therefore my wife having tried everything would be a false statement in this instance, as no issue was ever raised. OK, she may be 'done' but she didn't bother wanting to try anything or give any leeway or 'last chance' scenario or any explanation. She just went with absolutely no indication whatsoever.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Hopefully not. Some of us have worn the WAS hat. If I’d left my XW after 10yrs a year earlier, I might’ve still cared, but instead I used that last bit of care to give her another year to change. By the time I left I’d given her all I could and it was time to focus on me and my kids. I was totally done 2 weeks before BD.
Same when I left my exH I was done, done. Had I gone 4 or 5 years sooner maybe I would've cared or worried but by that point not only had I exhausted all avenues of saving that MR, I had exhausted any ability to consider his feelings in the matter any more.
This is interesting to me as you were both done and never looked backed. This site leads you to believe that the WW is in a temporary fog and will later regret their decision. This fog talk IMO gets people here stuck.
I agree here in some respects and this is a very good point. I have been having a very frank talk with a friend tonight talking to him about this exact thing - about feeling stuck. He basically says that I need to move on with my life regardless and should not accept being treated in this way, especially a second time and should be questioning whether or not it would happen a 3rd time if we worked at trying again. It does make you feel stuck wondering if the WAS will return and you tend to hold on to that rather than moving forward with your own life.
People mention GAL and acting as if they won't return and that's important, I can see that. But maybe we should be just planning to get on with our lives and not wanting them to come back and treat us like this all over again, a second, third or fourth time? Working to accept that the relationship is over, could be more realistic than hanging on to it and will still work towards GAL and detaching. When do we LBS's say stop, enough, no more?
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
In my situation, nothing was communicated, ever. The impression was given that everything was fine. There was no clues, no moaning about anything, no comments, no negative statements - absolutely nothing.
You said your sex life could have been better.
Most likely she communicated to you. Maybe not in the way you would like. Or that was effective.
From my personal notes:
Quote
Remember, 55% of the message is conveyed visually through body language and facial expressions, 38% is expressed vocally by my tempo, tone and inflections and only 7% verbally through my words. Before speaking, assure all 3V’s are congruent to avoid confusing the listener.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
But maybe we should be just planning to get on with our lives and not wanting them to come back and treat us like this all over again, a second, third or fourth time? Working to accept that the relationship is over, could be more realistic than hanging on to it and will still work towards GAL and detaching.
This is where you have your "non-negotiables" completely defined. If they come begging you to take them back, at that point you ask them what they are willing to do. Most likely they will not meet your requirements, then you let them know "that is not good enough". Right now, you have much work to do on yourself and do not need to use up any energy in the hypothetical world.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hopefully not. Some of us have worn the WAS hat. If I’d left my XW after 10yrs a year earlier, I might’ve still cared, but instead I used that last bit of care to give her another year to change. By the time I left I’d given her all I could and it was time to focus on me and my kids. I was totally done 2 weeks before BD.
Same when I left my exH I was done, done. Had I gone 4 or 5 years sooner maybe I would've cared or worried but by that point not only had I exhausted all avenues of saving that MR, I had exhausted any ability to consider his feelings in the matter any more.
This is interesting to me as you were both done and never looked backed. This site leads you to believe that the WW is in a temporary fog and will later regret their decision. This fog talk IMO gets people here stuck.
The assumption that WAS will regret their decisions is based on the assumption that the LBS was the prize in the relationship. When the WAS is in crisis and leaves a good, even if not perfect, relationship the chances that they will regret their decision later is high. There are other cases though where the LBS was not a good spouse or the relationship was just incompatible for whatever reason. In these situations the chances of R are low
This is where you have your "non-negotiables" completely defined. If they come begging you to take them back, at that point you ask them what they are willing to do. Most likely they will not meet your requirements, then you let them know "that is not good enough". Right now, you have much work to do on yourself and do not need to use up any energy in the hypothetical world.
Thanks for your comments.
In regard to the "non-negotiables" are these communicated to the WAS or just for me? I doubt if she will coming begging to take her back this time, it feels so final somehow. But then it did last time also. Perhaps it's in my head that I'm done with this. I don't know. My emotions are all over the place and keep taking me by surprise.
Yes I do need to work on myself and there is much work to do indeed. Currently one minute I think I'm ok and the next I am completely distraught. I am worrying a LOT about what to say next week when she comes to collect her things, as previously arranged. She can only take personal belongings, such as clothes, etc.
I don't know what to say to her when I answer the door when she arrives - I don't know how to be. I know I need to be polite and firm, but I don't think holding a conversation will help either. This will be the first time we have seen or communicated in 3 weeks. She will be with her sister and I will have a friend here, but I really can't decide how to act towards her. I'm thinking maybe I ask how long she will be and to let me know when she is done and keep it to just that. I'm not even sure if I need to ask how long she will be, but just to let me know when she is done.
This is one of the things that is really stressing me out and even though it's still a week away. I don't know what to do about the house and whether I should make things "super tidy" or just leave it as I usually would - how I usually live. It needs a good tidy and clean anyway, which I plan to do today anyhow.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Most likely she communicated to you. Maybe not in the way you would like. Or that was effective.
This is what I don't get. I don't know how she would have communicated this to me, as there was nothing. There were no advances or behaviour during the day that would have indicated anything. It was me that used to go to her, hug her from behind and kiss her neck as she was doing things, or slap her butt while she is bending over somewhere. I show affection in little ways like that and am not full on and I've always done that in all of the 19 years together. They were always reciprocated but never ended up going further than that.
When she got into bed at night, the absolutely first thing she did was to grab her kindle, turn it on and start to read. I used to say to her "Reading are you", and she would reply "yes". What was I supposed to do? This to me is the communication that she doesn't want anything more. I commented on this at counseling before, 9-10 years back. She has done this for years. The times she gets into bed and wants a "cuddle" are the times she is open to sex. On her terms and not very often. Yes, I have made advances and that's never been refused, but this reading in bed thing has always been a thing and has always been a barrier. It would be nice if she got into bed and laid there and chatted for a while, rather than grabbing the device before she even gets comfortable and straight away as she gets into bed. To me the only signal her is, "No sex".
I truly cannot see how she has communicated anything different. I am aware of the communication "3V's" having been through Master NLP Practitioner Training. What I am not getting here, where was this communication or more importantly, HOW was this communication. Because quite simply, I haven't seen it or heard it in the slightest. This is what's confusing the hell out of me.
Originally Posted by MLCxH
The assumption that WAS will regret their decisions is based on the assumption that the LBS was the prize in the relationship. When the WAS is in crisis and leaves a good, even if not perfect, relationship the chances that they will regret their decision later is high. There are other cases though where the LBS was not a good spouse or the relationship was just incompatible for whatever reason. In these situations the chances of R are low
I also suppose that the 'quality' of the relationship is subjective to the WAS. As far as I am concerned, although not fantastically brilliant, we had a very good relationship. Accepted that I have not been able to bring in a income for a while and sex was sporadic since she last walked away, the rest of the relationship was good. We always laughed, joked, were silly, held hands both while out and while sitting on the sofa, done certain things at certain times on certain days and laughed about those. Always joking around and coming out with amusing things. Always helping her and supporting her for her work, even compiling project plans and charts for things she was tasks with doing. That's one thing she said she loved about me.
To me, the relationship was good, with very few negative events such as arguments and of course, could have certainly have been better. Not to say we didn't have disagreements, but they were few and far between and annually if that and very brief. Obviously it wasn't enough though and money and sex too a higher priority, it would seem.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
There is a great podcast on YouTube by Diann Wingert called midlife awakening. It’s very common for a woman between 40-50 to out of no where wake up questioning is this all there is to life and whether they love their husband. This could be all about her and the affair. Regardless it’s out of your control.
