Mr B nailed it above. If you want the technical term it’s hypergamy. Google it.
I know this is a marriage saving board but in reality it’s about saving yourself. Mr B and myself as well as a few others have had people try to push us off the board because of our “negative” attitude. When in reality we are just able to objectively see things without any emotions. Your W is not a good person.
What your W did is doing to you is pretty $hitty. She cheated on you that may have contributed to your poor health then likely left you because you were in poor health.
The only winning path out of this it to take the focus off your W and put it 100% on yourself. If she ever comes to you for another chance you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Until then it’s a waste of mental space and energy.
At the minute you are broken ( we have all been there ) - only you can decide how you want to move forward.
The first step is to sort yourself out - Health, Career, House, GAL etc - all without her.
Personally though, i think you have been given a gift of a new life. Your WW is a cheater - its who she is. If you suspect your illness is down to her actions and the anxiety its caused over the years, this is the perfect opertunity for you to become healthy.
All of what you say is true, I can see that logically and yes it is my emotions talking, as when I can think logically through the tirade of thoughts aimed squarely at self-destruction and pointless hope, I can see 'who' she is and exactly what happened last time - even though she said it didn't. She was prepared to lie to me to come back and promise to have counseling as she knew this would get her back in the door. She has continued this lie for 10 years and now she's done it again. She wasn't in love with me, never was and I don't even know why she wanted to get married if she wasn't committed, as less than one year after she wanted to have an affair. That's not love. She took the love I had for her and abused it - I see that.
Yes I am broken and man, do I feel that! I have gone from a self-confident, healthy, fit man, to some stupid person who wants this abuse to continue and who finds it hard to make a decision. Only a few years ago was I an IT Manager in charge of the running and operation of a legal firm. It seem like another lifetime.
So let's go for the sorting out then ... it's got to be done anyway. I really need to find a place to start....
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
I love my new life - I never hit rock bottom, but my dignity and self respect took a massive kicking when i allowed WW to walk back into my life after her first EA with a coworker.
I took her back - I told very few people of what she had done - i told 1 person about EA1.
Come OM2 and OM3 - I distanced myself from the 1 person i had told, because i was ashamed - i was embarrased.
3 months after EA1 and she is flirting with 2 other guys.
I dont regret ending my relationship.
My regret is trying to make it work / reason with the WW when she was getting her kicks flirting with 2 other guys.
My dignity went out of the window, as i made all the usual LBS mistakes - flowers, pleading, talking, reasoning..
Pointless!
BUT i found this site and i changed my outlook. I love my life now. This site is a gold mine on information. Use it and become healthy.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Your looking at her feelings as absolutes which is just not the case. I am sure she loved you at some point and probably still does to some extent. Feelings are fleeting. Some people strongly believe in “in sickness and in health until death do us part”. Some believe in “sexual market value” and a “bigger better deal”. Your W seems to favor the latter. Now irs up you to prove her wrong.
Mr B nailed it above. If you want the technical term it’s hypergamy. Google it.
I agree, he has. I am aware of hypergamy and it makes sense seeing as when she met me she was a trainee lawyer and I was an IT Manager of the firm. I was fit as I worked out regularly and quite confident. Her partner worked in a car parts place and sat playing computer games all the time.
Originally Posted by LH19
I know this is a marriage saving board but in reality it’s about saving yourself. Mr B and myself as well as a few others have had people try to push us off the board because of our “negative” attitude. When in reality we are just able to objectively see things without any emotions. Your W is not a good person.
I don't think your attitudes have been negative at all. They certainly hold merit and are/have been worthy of serious consideration and much internal debate that has been extremely helpful. I can see that my wife is not a good person, despite what I want to think about her, the facts don't lie do they?
Originally Posted by LH19
What your W did is doing to you is pretty $hitty. She cheated on you that may have contributed to your poor health then likely left you because you were in poor health.
Over the years she has also given me false hope which made me keep waiting around for her to be onboard with creating an alternative income for us. Just like she lied about her affair 10 years ago, she lied about wanting this also. So I could have been in a better place to implement my business idea years ago, but now I'm here. Luckily I still have that chance and a whole heap of new knowledge and experience to go along with it.
Like Mr B indicated, she's probably done me a favour and now I have the opportunity to grow and flourish. It's a shame that I have to feel like this and be put in a situation that is a struggle in itself to claw out of, but at least I will be free of the lies, deceit and pretence that the past 10 years seemed to have been built on.
Originally Posted by LH19
The only winning path out of this it to take the focus off your W and put it 100% on yourself. If she ever comes to you for another chance you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Until then it’s a waste of mental space and energy.
I can see that perfectly clear and it's what I had to do and I agree that it is a waste of energy and mental space. I just wish I could switch it off - I'm sure that day will come, hopefully soon.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
[quote=ovrrnbw]You should have hope. Always have hope. Hope for the best outcome and know in your heart that no matter how dire the situation, you will survive and be better for having gone through this.
Hope for the best outcome, I agree. But I was referring to hope that we would get one more chance to address our relationship, but that wouldn't be detaching, right?
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I'm guessing you haven't seen or heard from her in a while?
No, nada. Just over 3 weeks.
Yea, you can hope to have one more chance, just don't get attached to it. Don't expect it. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
