WAW Walks Away a Second Time

[smilie]

S,

There is a great podcast on YouTube by Diann Wingert called midlife awakening. It’s very common for a woman between 40-50 to out of no where wake up questioning is this all there is to life and whether they love their husband. This could be all about her and the affair. Regardless it’s out of your control.

I shall see if I can find it. Thanks.

I have had a realisation this morning and it hit me like a brick on the side of the head. My wife has left for a one-off fling, I'm almost sure.

I was thinking that is was a longer term thing, but I see the pattern now....

About 5 or 6 weeks prior to her leaving we were supposed to have started a Cleanse. She had purchased a book called "Cleanse to Heal" and discovered that each symptoms of my Neurological condition was separately caused by the Epstein Barr virus. At that stage she put us both on a Keto diet. I was rather confused why we were doing Keto, but she insisted on doing that as a pre-cursor to the cleanse, to get any rubbish out of my body first.

After a few weeks I had lost a fair bit of weight and she had lost some also, not as much as me though as she drank a fair bit of wine at the weekends. A couple of weeks before she left she also bought a couple of new dresses "for work" and asked me if they looked alright. She has always valued my opinion with clothes and I have picked out loads of new outfits for her over the years that she looks absolutely amazing in. The dresses were alright for work, nothing special or dressy.

So sitting trying to meditate in the park this morning, it hits me. She had us on the Keto diet so that she could lose some weight. Obviously she had her eye on somebody at that stage and she was trying to present herself as being more attractive. Then the dresses.

She had a swollen knee for about 6 weeks prior to that point and something she experiences every few years since she had her auto-immune issue at the beginning of our relationship. I was running her to work and back each day as she couldn't walk of bend her knee, but the second week after she could walk again, that's when she left. So basically she was using me to get her to work and back.

Then when she wanted a couple of days "space to think", that's when I think she was testing the other dude to see if they would be sexually compatible, which is why she then text me a couple of days later to say she wasn't coming home. If they hadn't been compatible or if she didn't have the right feelings, she would have left the door open to come back home as I was expecting her to return on the Tuesday.

It is all so clear to me now. So basically I think she has thrown away our marriage and 19 year relationship based on a very short-term fling and has moved in with the dude. It would also make sense why she seemed unsure about wanting a divorce, hasn't progressed on it at all even though she told me that is what she wanted and also why she hasn't responded to my lawyer's letter.

I feel physically sick ... actually I have been physically sick and haven't stopped shaking since I've seen this so clearly today.

Sorry for the waffle, but I think I've just worked it out.

I am almost expecting her to pull out of collecting her stuff next weekend.

[smilie]

There is a great podcast on YouTube by Diann Wingert called midlife awakening. It’s very common for a woman between 40-50 to out of no where wake up questioning is this all there is to life and whether they love their husband. This could be all about her and the affair. Regardless it’s out of your control.

I have listened to this this afternoon. So that's it then, just have to accept that how it is and they can treat anybody just the way they want and use the reason that they are acting on emotions?

I'm not being harsh, and I can perfectly understand that is exactly what's happening but I can't accept, for some reason, that they are willing to destroy other people's lives in the way that they do. It's awful and because they are women, it's acceptable?

I don't suppose we blokes can do anything about it apart from try to pick up our shattered lives and go on the best we can.

I'm probably speaking wrongly here, but I would absolutely never go out to knowingly destroy somebody else's life, especially the person who I'm married to and have had a good relationship with for 19 years. To lie, deceive and steal for one purpose - sex, basically - is an awful thing to do to somebody that you have told that you love, even up to the week before she left, just to give me the impression things were fine? Please correct me if I'm wrong here (I probably am.... :-) )

[Traveler]

Hi Smile,

It's awful and because they are women, it's acceptable?

Careful. Being that guy who hates women or that lady who hates men won't serve you. Men (like myself) and women (like wayfarer) are equally free to leave relationships that don't serve us anymore.

they can treat anybody just the way they want

Of course not. If they punch you, call the cops. If they say nasty things, hang up. Have and enforce healthy boundaries. Their right to extend their fist ends where your nose begins.

I'm probably speaking wrongly here, but I would absolutely never go out to knowingly destroy somebody else's life,

They're not trying to destroy your life--any more than I'm trying to destroy someone else's life when I defeat a competitor or fire an employee. It's sometimes a side effect. She wants to be happy. She thinks you work against that. Maybe they are right (as wayfarer and I were). Maybe they are wrong. Time will tell, no?

[smilie]

It's awful and because they are women, it's acceptable?

Careful. Being that guy who hates women or that lady who hates men won't serve you. Men (like myself) and women (like wayfarer) are equally free to leave relationships that don't serve us anymore.

I certainly don't hate women neither am I taking a stance against them, of course I'm not, I would never do that. I am just trying the best I can to simply understand

Their right to extend their fist ends where your nose begins.

Actually, this is a similar saying I used to use when I was a martial arts instructor - brought back a few memories of the 90's,

They're not trying to destroy your life--any more than I'm trying to destroy someone else's life when I defeat a competitor or fire an employee. It's sometimes a side effect. She wants to be happy. She thinks you work against that. Maybe they are right (as wayfarer and I were). Maybe they are wrong. Time will tell, no?

It's fine that she wants to be happy, but I don't understand why she may see me as working against that, I never have from my perspective and I still can't see that it's not just about sex and money...or just sex. It just seems so shallow, especially if it is a quick affair as I suspect. Of course in a new relationship you're having multiple buttons pressed making you feel besotted, that subsides in a longer term relationship. If she wanted to feel that way why did she not make more of an effort? Yes, I have a part to play also, but it seems like she is trying to find happiness externally, through somebody or something else, but we all know that happiness is found within. So she's basically chasing ghosts just to feel lust(?) in the moment?

If she wasn't trying to destroy me then she wouldn't have emptied the bank account and kicked me full-force in the guts and ripped my heart out. She knew exactly what she was doing, again in my book, and played a really good game behind my back. I think I am entering the anger phase.....

[Traveler]

Hi smile,

It's awful and because they are women, it's acceptable?

I certainly don't hate women neither am I taking a stance against them, of course I'm not, I would never do that. I am just trying the best I can to simply understand

Got it. I think the ethical considerations are similar whether it's a man or woman.

brought back a few memories of the 90's,

Funny! Using that phrase brought back memories of the 90s for me, too!

It's fine that she wants to be happy, but I don't understand why she may see me as working against that, I never have from my perspective and I still can't see that it's not just about sex and money.

Ready2Change pointed out lack of sex often indicates other issues. When I stopped having sex with my partner in an LTR, it was because my attraction and respect for them were low. When my XW stopped having sex with me, it was because she was going through depression. You know when your STBXW is done with a relationship, she prefers exit affairs because that's how you met her in the first place.

If she wasn't trying to destroy me.. I think I am entering the anger phase.....

Anger is healthy. She ended the marriage, cheated, and took money from your joint funds. You HAVE been wronged. Your trust HAS been violated. This is emotional damage that will take time to heal.

she is trying to find happiness externally, through somebody or something else, but we all know that happiness is found within.

The internal and the external interplay. Statistically, you're more likely to be happy if you make $75,000 than $25,000, but no happier with $750,000 than with $75,000 in the long run. There are amazing people like Victor Frankl who can find happiness even in a Nazi concentration camp. I believe I'll be more successful pursuing happiness solo than if I had stayed with or resumed a relationship with my XW.

[smilie]

It is interesting.

Exit affairs - yeah, that's how we met and that's what she did before. Red flag - didn't see it as I wasn't aware of such things as red flags before. I didn't really give it much thought to tell the truth, didn't think she'd do it "to me" I suppose.

I still don't know what to say to her when I answer the door to her when she comes for her things next weekend though and that's a major cause of stress for me at the moment for some silly reason.

[Traveler]

Exit affairs - yeah, that's how we met and that's what she did before. Red flag - didn't see it as I wasn't aware of such things as red flags before.

I could understand deciding that's a red flag for you in future relationships.

I still don't know what to say to her when I answer the door to her when she comes for her things next weekend though and that's a major cause of stress for me at the moment for some silly reason.

For you, I just looked up my once live-in XGF's final visit to my home.

She said "It's a beautiful day". I asked what she was taking--she said her pots. I went inside and brought out 2 possessions she'd left behind. I pointed out one (of two) potted plants (value: $75-$150) she was taking she'd abandoned during the first breakup. She said I could have it. I said I would like it, unless it's important to her. She said her D gave it to her as a Mother's Day gift. I said take it. The alternative was petty.

I went inside. I didn't want my final interaction to be petty, so I returned and thanked her for transplanting my plants from the pots, setting up the sprinkler for them, and sweeping debris. I went back inside.

Ten minutes later my doorbell rang. I opened it. She now looked emotional. She asked for a hug. I said, "Of course." She teared up. I gave her a 45-sec hug. Crying, she said she still liked me, loved me, and respected me. I said "Ditto." She said, "I'll cancel going on that expedition we both signed up for in May, that was more your thing, unless you want me there?" I smiled warmly but had no answer. I said, "Take care".

As she walked away, I closed and locked the door on a chapter of my life.

Do you need to say anything? Let your STBXW initiate any conversation. Personally, I took the high road, and expressed gratitude when she was being kind. No guilt. No regrets. I might have felt those if I'd either been mean to her or peacocked in an attempt to sway her back. I did eventually get a chance to R.

[LH19]

There is a great podcast on YouTube by Diann Wingert called midlife awakening. It’s very common for a woman between 40-50 to out of no where wake up questioning is this all there is to life and whether they love their husband. This could be all about her and the affair. Regardless it’s out of your control.

I have listened to this this afternoon. So that's it then, just have to accept that how it is and they can treat anybody just the way they want and use the reason that they are acting on emotions?

I'm not being harsh, and I can perfectly understand that is exactly what's happening but I can't accept, for some reason, that they are willing to destroy other people's lives in the way that they do. It's awful and because they are women, it's acceptable?

I don't suppose we blokes can do anything about it apart from try to pick up our shattered lives and go on the best we can.

I'm probably speaking wrongly here, but I would absolutely never go out to knowingly destroy somebody else's life, especially the person who I'm married to and have had a good relationship with for 19 years. To lie, deceive and steal for one purpose - sex, basically - is an awful thing to do to somebody that you have told that you love, even up to the week before she left, just to give me the impression things were fine? Please correct me if I'm wrong here (I probably am.... :-) )

Smilie,

I wanted to you to listen to the podcast so you can understand what’s going through her mind. It takes someone with a lot of emotional maturity to question those thoughts. Your W is more then likely an avoidant and instead of looking inward she looks outward for her next fix of “happiness”. She has developed a pattern and patterns are hard to break unless you truly put in the work to break it. This was likely the outcome no matter what you would have done in the relationship. Even if she were to come back now you would have a tough road ahead of you. If you been following Wayfarer, SteveLW, JoeJoe1 and May, piecing after infidelity is no picnic. Life in general is tough at middle age. In my group there are the divorced ones or the unhappily married ones. I would bet money your W hates the fact she’s hurting you but not enough to deter her from her perceived “happiness”. As far as you using the word “destroy”; remember you get to determine the outcome of your life. It can destroy you or it can inspire you.

[smilie]

CWarrior:
Thank you so much sharing your experience. I really hate to think how much my questions and statements are bringing back emotions for everybody who are joining this conversation. I really respect yours and other people's knowledge here and it helps me makes sense of this awful situation. I just don't know why, if somebody wants out of the relationship, they can't just go and live on their own and break the relationship, but instead have to wait until a 'viable alternative' comes along and set up life immediately with them. This is what I would do as I would also need time for myself to recover and rebuild.

I just wish that I would have had an income to support myself. This is probably a big part of the issue, but I was setting up a business (seminars) just prior to worldwide lock-downs - no seminar allowed. I have also been throwing some other income ideas around over the past few months (that the wife also knew about), so once I've moved house (as it's rented) I can continue with those. But due to the urgency of needing to move within a few weeks - somewhere, somehow - that takes priority.

I've always taken the high-road stance in other areas of my life like this, but for some reason I have a hard issue doing this when it comes to my wife. But, now knowing that the relationship is over (and I truly think it is), it may be a little easier to take that road, especially if I can detach enough. I really wish that I didn't go to jelly in emotional situation like this, as otherwise I'm a pretty tough dude with other stuff! Somehow my wife makes me feel pathetic in these situations that she springs on me as an unannounced surprise.


LH19:
Yes I did understand what may be going on inside of her, but then I suppose I got frustrated and annoyed. I can confirm that she is an avoidant and prefers not to hold in-depth conversations and that she looks for happiness outside of herself - new dresses, compliments from me (and others), chatting to work colleagues - rather than finding happiness inside, even though she is aware of this stuff.

This time I think I will choose "Inspire". I think half of this issue since last time 10 years ago, is that I let it slowly destroy me over time. I have always felt that she wasn't telling me the truth when she promised that she wasn't having an affair last time, as things didn't add up. I decided I suppose, that I would pretend to believe her and it has always niggled at me. Three years back it came back really hard and I insisted that she take me to the house she told me she was living in that she said one of her clients rented out and was in between rental - furnished apparently. I never believed that story as houses around here aren't rented furnished. We drove over and amazingly she couldn't remember the road and then when she finally told me that it was that one, she couldn't remember the house she was living in. She knew that if she told me what house, that I would be banging on the door. Nothing made sense. The only time that everything made perfect sense, was if there was OM involved and then it all clicked into place perfectly. But I wouldn't listen to my logic and went with my emotions. So that's been an 11 year lie that the past 10 years has been built upon. So basically she had an affair inside of being married for just one year.

I am 99.5% certain that my neurological condition was a direct result of living with this and worrying for so long, that it made me ill - maybe from the internal battle raging inside of me. I have always come to that conclusion, because I knew how I felt for the 3 years afterwards and leading up to my violent vertigo attack that never went away and caused a whole host of symptoms that led to me having to give up my IT career.

She wanted me to take her back as the other relationship didn't work out, or she had changed her mind. I was her Plan B and somehow she knew that I was about to throw in the towel and tell her not to come back, I even told her this on the phone 9 months later when she (via her father) contacted me and wanted to talk. She said she wanted to come home and that she wanted counseling (which she initially refused). I told her then that I wasn't sure that I want her to come back. We spoke a couple of days later and I agreed she could. I don't know if I was a fool that time for wanting to get back together, not with that nagging doubt that I had and have always carried with me for 11 entire years.

As far as you're comments go about putting money on her hating hurting me, I know you're probably right but I can't think along these lines at the moment as she has knowingly gone out of her way to ensure that I am totally broke and prepared to see me homeless. She is also purposefully not responding to letters from my lawyer, it would appear. For some reason she either doesn't want to deal with it or is stalling, even though she said she wants it. I may have little option than to start divorce proceedings, as then the courts set the timescales and things need responding to. The reason why I haven't done so yet, is because she told me that she wanted us to be able to talk about things and settle things amicably with lest cost (aka So she can manipulate me into agreeing with what she wants).

I can't explain why I feel this, but I have never felt inside that she really wanted a divorce and still think she is holding out and keeping me as a Plan B just in case she changes her mind again. I think she's waited a bit too long now.

I really wouldn't think that the wife would want to put in the work in reconciling and I don't think I would believe her again if she said she wanted to. She didn't last time and when the counselor broke her arm (not my wife's!) and we couldn't see her for a few weeks, the wife convinced me that we were OK and that we didn't need to see her anymore. I think she was finding counseling uncomfortable and this was a good excuse for her to stop.

Once again, thank you so much for your continued conversation. It's really nice being able to throw stuff around, getting my head in the right place (as much of the time it isn't) and once again, thank you for sharing your experiences - I know it can't be easy.

[smilie]

Just a quick one. I have been struggling with GAL over the past few days as the stress seems so much that I can't stay in the house for long. However, I have been going out, talking to people as I can, reading and thinking. I revisited the infidelity section in DR (I have been reading another book also), re-read LRT and it hit me when MWD said "I'm asking you to remember who you really are." Tears just came out and I sat there in the park and sobbed. Yes, I'm a bloke and I sobbed like a little girl. I had forgotten the man I was and looking back to then, when we first met, I was different. I had totally forgotten who I was due to this wretched illness and the last time my wife left 10 years back. I felt then and I feel now, totally defeated, not just by my wife leaving, but by the hand that life has dealt me these last 7 years. Man did I sob!

I began thinking about my wife and how that situation with me, between us, had been the likely cause of her leaving again. Since she left I have had this strong feeling that she doesn't really want a divorce, I saw it in her and her current behaviour would indicate that also, as much as her not responding to my lawyers letters to progress divorce and not getting her lawyer to send the letter she said she would send (it's been over 4 weeks since she said she wanted one). My actions and words have indicated to her that I am willing to let her go and I have actioned that by getting my lawyer to send hers a letter requesting her intentions and sharing my intentions to file for divorce for Adultery. There was also other content such as repaying money that was taken, requesting interim spousal maintenance (alimony) payments, etc. So I have shown my hand as I told her when she left that if she decided not to come back then I would "give her what she wants". I meant that and it wasn't a threat and I will do that even if it kills me, of course I would. So that's a similar action to the Ultimatum.

Having said all that and preparing myself to let her go - and I still must - I feel that if she reaches out (which is a long shot I think, especially a second time), that I would be willing to consider reconciliation. Am I Stupid? Many other people say "file for divorce", but knowing her background and mine, I think she is hurting bad somehow and I know I have been as I have felt so guilty not being able to bring in an income for so long and I have felt guilty every single day since I have been ill, even though I am still working on developing income and I have been even before she left, but there was nothing to show of course as I was waiting.

But I took my vows seriously, through the good and the bad times, sickness and in health and I meant every word. I wrote my own alongside that also. I believe in love, reconciliation and forgiveness. I know that I can do that as I love her so dearly. It may not be enough I know and it hurts that she has chosen to leave me for good and in this horrible way, so why do I feel that she doesn't want this either?

I am so sorry for posting another post, but I know that some of you are positively working on your marriages. Yes it takes two, a lot of work and time, but surely if she wants to come back a second time, then there must be something worth saving between us, surely? Especially if she decides to return after all this.

Yes I have hope and I am not expecting and still preparing to move on (over 3 weeks NC now), but I feel that after what other people have said elsewhere and that she is a "serial cheat" has lied and deceived, it's deeper than that - for both of us. But I fear that I am disillusioned, hanging on to the relationship and wanting her to decide to return. I have this deep longing for a better relationship between us free of the baggage that got us here. She wasn't honest last time she came back, so we couldn't build it on strong foundations. Perhaps it is too late and I just need to detach fully, give up hope, say goodbye and move on, but this site is supposed to be focused around DB and saving marriages and resolving issues. Am I wrong? Am I grasping at straws?

This is what is preventing me from going forward and working harder at GAL, even though I am doing that as best I can, I can't stop the panic that turns me into a quivering wreck. Hypnotherapy session tonight, perhaps that can help.

Thank you for reading if you got this far. Your time and continued input if very much appreciated and I just wish I could get you all a bottle of wine to say thank you.