Wayfarer You write such truth so eloquently and it touched me deeply and got the point across completely. I'm a blubbering mess right now, thanks for that!
I have been questioning our relationship from her perspective, but you're completely right about me knowing my truth. I did love her, do love her an that's what hurts. That part of me that loves her, wants to love her still has nowhere to go. My love that I still hold I can no longer give. This is the first time I've cried for this. This is my truth. My love for her was true, always has been, always will be. For some reason, I cannot feel bad towards her and that to me says something more than words can ever explain.
It's difficult to imagine that she just needed to go and as you said, act like a caged animal to get what she needed. It's a very good analogy that helps explain things in a way that helps me understand. I shall re-read your post many times, I know.
The way your response has touched me is because what you have written is simply truth.
Thank you for sharing your experience and taking the time to write it.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
People in crisis whether is be a wayward spouse, MLC, milestone crisis, just done trying in the MR...whatever, are like caged animals. They will do anything, say anything, manipulate and behave in completely out of character ways to removed anything in the path between them and what they think will make them feel better. You are a person in that path. As personal as her behavior is to you, currently in this moment what she's doing isn't personal. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Which is why every one keeps saying stop focusing on her focus on you. She isn't focused on you so why are you wasting all this time and emotional energy on focusing on her?
Good stuff Wayfarer!
Which is yet another reason to detach. I've read about detachment in DR.
I've read in the 4 Agreements to never take anything personally.
I've read in stoic works to remember when words are just wind.
Three angles to give you the same insight. People are living in their own dreams and you aren't always the cause of their pain even if they say so.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You write such truth so eloquently and it touched me deeply and got the point across completely.
Well since "wish in one hand and sh!t in the other" has now been deemed eloquent I can die happy.
Originally Posted by smilie
I'm a blubbering mess right now, thanks for that!
Tears are good. Like rain it's a fresh start. Take a few deep breaths.
Originally Posted by smilie
My love for her was true, always has been, always will be. For some reason, I cannot feel bad towards her and that to me says something more than words can ever explain.
I never could feel ill will toward my H either. Even if he had gone on to do what he thought he was going to. Upending our lives and starting a new one without me I still would've loved him. I still would've cared. But I came to terms long before he started to turn back toward me that my love was for a person that no longer exists. When you think about the love you have for WW instead of thinking about her focus on how big of heart you have. How crappy of a hand you've been dealt in love and here you are, loving a person who doesn't deserve all that love. Loving a person who's hurt you more than once. How amazing you are to love against all odds. How amazing you are to still love when you have no reason to. That's a beautiful thing. To have a heart so big it can be broken and still love. So many people steel themselves when things like this happen. Harden their hearts. Be jaded to love. Be proud that you are able to stay soft and open when other faced with the same thing can't.
None of this is easy. You will bend, you may even break. You're going to be pissed, and hurt, and annoyed. But you're not alone in this. Take comfort in that. What few of us remain will do our best to support you in this. Just keep on.
None of this is easy. You will bend, you may even break. You're going to be pissed, and hurt, and annoyed. But you're not alone in this. Take comfort in that. What few of us remain will do our best to support you in this. Just keep on.
Thank you for your kind words and your support. I do worry that I will be without access to the Internet at some point, but at least I've got until end of August here, for now. Then there's always public areas, of course.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
smiles, wayfarer's post is excellent. Reread it a few times. She is a kind and patient soul. (:
With a way for words, it would seem. She is so right and is talking from hard experience, it's just a shame we all just can't have a conversation in the cafe and she can bang me around the head to knock some sense into me!
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
smile, I love the idea of sitting together at a cafe, and being the designated person to toss mini-bagels as 2x4s at people on-demand. There are advantages of this format. I'll wager if you were in a public coffee shop and you were face-to-face with someone in your community you might be less open about your feelings? I'll wager when broken hearts come together it'd be easier to wind up in unhealthy romantic entanglements? That said I would LOVE to meet the whole gang someday. I have received so much support here. (:
My advise is more general based on what I have seen "work". LH19 is amazing at remembering all the details of each poster. I would weigh his advise strongly when you are making choices.
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I feel that if she reaches out (which is a long shot I think, especially a second time), that I would be willing to consider reconciliation.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
"Stockdale Paradox": you must maintain unwavering faith that you can and will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time, have the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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I don't know what to say to her when I answer the door when she arrives - I don't know how to be. I know I need to be polite and firm, but I don't think holding a conversation will help either....but I really can't decide how to act towards her.
How you behave this one time will not matter. But she will notice. She will notice all the changes. You have 1000's of ways to behave. Will she be surprised be your behavior? How will she expect you to behave?
Can you be more enthusiastic then her about this? Projecting that you completely agree with her that the relationship needed to end? This takes a lot of forgiveness from you.
IF you had all of her personal belongings nicely boxed up and ready to be loaded when she arrived? If you enthusiasticly helped carry things out?
