Picking Up the Pieces After WAW Goes Again

[smilie]

Hey Smilie,

I know you are spinning and your anxiety is throttled right now. I know how that feels and really struggled as well. You will get past this, I promise. It’s going to sting for a while but you will start to get stronger and stronger as time goes by.

I can also relate to how you feel about how your W has flip flopped and become someone you would have never expected her to be. I remember vividly feeling the same way and analyzing things until I was nearly insane.

Almost all of us here have experienced this, you are not alone.

Hang in there and do your best to try to get some sleep tonight.

Thank you. I have only had an hour or maybe two. I'm dead on my feet. es I feel I am going insane.

[smilie]

I have just woke up with a realisation that the "Secret Bank Account" wasn't in fact secret. It was another joint savings account that we used to use to save for holidays and things. We opened this a few years back and I had completely forgotten about it.

We had some saving left from the sale of our house about 5-6 years ago (2015 I think). I had forgotten all about it and the wife hadn't mentioned anything about it either, so I forgot about it. So it looks as if she was stashing money in there without me knowing.

It was an old-fashioned "offline" type of bank account with a book that needed to be updated every now and again and withdrawals needed to be requested by going into the branch.

So that was my mistake saying that it was a secret account - I just totally forgot we had a few thousand in that account also.

This is a minefield.

[Traveler]

why is she paying a lease on a car that her partner uses and who was paying that lease before she turned up? Lie after lie. It doesn't make sense which is how you know it's a lie.

When my XGF moved in, she paid more rent than I requested The point was to maintain her outgoing expenses, since those numbers factor into predetermined alimony and child support calculations. If she's lying, trust your lawyer to reveal it. If she's just trying to maximize what she gets in the divorce, expect your lawyer to do the same. That's how the process works. In the end, it finds a balance.

[Traveler]

I've got a hypnotherapy session tomorrow morning for my anxiety for when she comes. Then the lady suggested a block of sessions over 4 weeks to help me cope with everything better. I think I may take her up on that.

A bit more advice on the upcoming visit in case it helps reduce your anxiety--

1) You don't have to initiate or maintain any conversation with her.
2) If it's quiet, have something to do, e.g. a book to read.
3) If she starts chatting, imagine you're a polite but busy coffee barista or cashier.
4) If she asks an easy question, answer.
5) If she asks a hard question, "I'll think about it."
6) If she vents, listen and validate. Review the thread on validation. Practice it on others.
7) If she's abusive, shut down the conversation

Big goofs would be 1) acting emo--e.g., making rash decisions or statements out of grief, 2) peacocking--e.g., dressing up, chatting with her, and holding books to impress her. It looks desperate.

[smilie]

Maximizing what she gets from the divorce is exactly what she is doing. My lawyer has seen straight through this, as have I and she said that we are both on the same page. She (my lawyer) has sent a letter this afternoon challenging this and recalculating what she should be paying and how much she should have left over. She says that she isn't 'rising' to the statements that stbxw is making regarding this bank account and that account and says that that will iron itself out when she requests 12 months of bank statements for every account.

I sent off the marriage certificate this afternoon, filing next week.

[smilie]

A bit more advice on the upcoming visit in case it helps reduce your anxiety--

Thanks for the advice. I shall adhere to it. A friend will be here so I won't be alone and have somebody to chat to. I'm still half expecting her not to turn up or send a message. I don't know why and it's probably just a figment of my imagination.

We will see tomorrow! Gulp!

[wayfarer]

I'm petty so I'd be getting garbage bags (bin bags) and filling them with her stuff. If she didn't show up by Sunday evening I'd let her know they're at the door and that's where they're staying rain or shine. I do think though even if you don't want to be petty you should probably start looking into creative solutions to get her things out of the house before she tries to take what she likes when you're not there. You may also need to talk to the landlord or management regarding getting the locks changed once she's been given the things she's asked for.

Get some rest. Maybe try a nap. Or just a calm quiet time trying to get your body to relax.

[Ready2Change]

Compartmentalize everything.

This is now a business transaction. Two businesses mingled all of their assists. Now they need to split them up.

[smilie]

I'm petty so I'd be getting garbage bags (bin bags) and filling them with her stuff.

Lol! Well, I like to be the opposite of what is expected of me. So usually I'm the fixer. I want to talk about issues, examine what's going on, ask questions and find solutions. When I don't get anywhere and she's not playing ball, I get frustrated and stressed. She will be expecting me to be tense, talkative, apologetic, examining, questioning, pathetic, crying and a sad representation of my former self.

Tomorrow, I will be the opposite! I have done this before in other scenarios where I have been so calm, so to-the-point, so matter of fact and so spot on, that it has made even the most confident employer shudder as they have struggled to answer my questions.

Today I have changed. I no longer feel pathetic and shakey, instead I feel strong. My mind has shifted and I feel that.

This morning, little pathetic me had a hypnotherapy session with this lovely girl who (fitted?) (fat?) me in last minute as my other hypnotherapist let me down due to him being ill. Things happen for a reason right? So this girl took me through a session which was a combination of Reiki and hypnotherapy - I cried like a baby because that pain inside of me was raging and consuming me. That pain has been inside of me building up since the first time my wife left me and lied to me 10 years ago and had never been released. I was right not to believe her, I was wrong for not saying anything.

So during the session I had an epiphany, if you could call it that. In the 1980's/1990's I used to be a martial arts instructor, entered European competitions and ran a couple of Karate clubs with my instructor. Around 1988-89 I was third best fighter (kumite) in Europe and second for kata (Shotokan Karate). THAT was who I was. THAT was what my life was. THAT is what gave my life purpose and THAT was who I had FORGOTTEN I was. That WAS me!

I oozed confidence, I was faster than almost anybody else, more meticulous in getting my kata moves perfect, more accurate and perfected in EVERY SINGLE ONE of my strikes. Of course I wasn't perfect and at times got really badly hurt, but most of the time I was untouchable and people in the ring used to look at me and become extremely nervous and start to shake, shudder and back away. Why? Was I a huge bloke? Nope I was fairly skinny, non descript and 5ft 10in. So why did the majority of people used to act that way? Well quite simply because they were stressed out about fighting as they didn't know how I fought and I was perfectly relaxed, each and every time just because I was confident in myself to perform. I knew my moves and I knew that I didn't need to think about techniques and punch/block patterns, etc. I just went with it and reacted accordingly. The icing on the cake of course, is that when they looked up after bowing before the fight to look me in the eye, I was smiling! (hence my username "Smilieman" << DB forum restricts chars).

That was it. I found the key to my problem. Over the years I have somehow been battered down. Job losses, illness, my wife leaving 10 years ago, etc. and all those things that battered me down, made me forget who I really was, the real me. The kind, confident, caring me that didn't put up with ANY cr@p!

Today, I discovered that person is still inside me and I remembered what it felt like to be him again. I realized in one brief moment in time, that I had forgotten what it felt like to be the true me. The me that I have been has been the compromised me that I have become through year upon year of swaying to people's needs and not wanting to upset them or hurt their feelings at times. I was wearing a mask of the not true me, the me that I have become over the 19 years that I have been with my wife. It escaped me, but today I found me again, buried deep within a raging cyclone of red, purple and black swirly smokey stuff.

Wow! She was good.

If she didn't show up by Sunday evening I'd let her know they're at the door and that's where they're staying rain or shine.

I have thought about this. In contract law both parties agree to terms. When agreement has been made and terms accepted a contract has been formed. So, we have formed a contract. She said that she wanted to collect her things on the 10th and I, after a week or so, emailed her back and agreed. She hasn't confirmed, but she doesn't need to as an agreement has been reached.

If she fails to turn up, or sends a message saying that she is not coming, then she is in Default. At this point my response to her will be something along the lines of "If you have not collected your things by 4pm today, then you are in agreement through acquiescence, that your all of your belongings can be discarded.". If she fails to respond and fails to show up by that time, then she has tacitly agreed that her belongings can be discarded.

I do think though even if you don't want to be petty you should probably start looking into creative solutions to get her things out of the house before she tries to take what she likes when you're not there.

I will be here. I will be able to see most of what she takes (unless she's sneaky), but anything that goes missing that I notice will not make her look very good in the courts eyes. All important paperwork and items are either locked up or in my possession. I have even packed them in suitcases (as I didn't want her to take the cases) and locked them all up and positioned them as if I am going away. Another friend may be coming round also, so it will look like we are planning to go away for the weekend!

I think that she may go for the marriage licence though. It is kept in a silver scroll tube thing all nicely rolled up. Somehow she forgot to take it and it is needed to apply for divorce. If she takes the scroll and gets it home, then she will be very surprised that the tube is empty, as I sent the marriage certificate off today to my lawyer for filing next week. I think my brain is coming back online a bit more.

You may also need to talk to the landlord or management regarding getting the locks changed once she's been given the things she's asked for.

If she is on the tenancy I cannot refuse her entry into the house. If I agree to take her off the tenancy, then she is no longer liable to pay rent. All is good though, as she can't get into the house while I'm not home. I have made it so that her front door key cannot be inserted into the lock (leave key in the other side and rotate 90 degrees). I go out the side door and she has never had a key for that as we have always kept that indoors. She could gain access through the electronic garage door that she still has a remote for, but she can't because I've disconnected the electric and if she got through that, I have also prevented the garage door to the house from being unlocked. All safe!

Get some rest. Maybe try a nap. Or just a calm quiet time trying to get your body to relax.

I think I'm going to need that. It gives me some relief that my lawyer can see straight through her BS and lies, basically validating my concerns and thoughts, so I'm not going mad after all!

I reckon there may be a big update sometime tomorrow evening!!!!!

[smilie]

Compartmentalize everything.

This is now a business transaction. Two businesses mingled all of their assists. Now they need to split them up.

And that is a shame, as part of my pension has been paid out fairly quickly. I'm not sure if she will have claim to that though as yet, if she does then it may well be worth cutting losses. We'll see, I could have done without that but that was the only option I had to get money to then rent a suitable house with. I shall play it by ear, as they say!

But yes, business....