I think it is different for different people, coping strategy that is. For example, I agree with CW's very last line about music having power. I listen to music often. Always in my car and most of the time in my office or when I'm just puttering around the house cleaning or whatever. I'll even have on music for background noise when I read. Reading and arts and crafts are also nice outlets for me. Taking a nice walk or going to the lake to swim and hang out on the beach also help. CW's post just made me tired, but I'm an introvert, so that much people time would actually not help me cope at all, but have the opposite effect, so I make sure that I have down time and alone time built into my week on a regular basis so that I don't have to be "on" all the time. My professional life forces me to be "on" 95-99% of the time when I am at work, depending on which particular hat I'm wearing, so having down time after work or on weekends helps.
Specifically to address your point that you think a lot of people would advise you to go on meds. I think you might be surprised at the number who WON'T advise that. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any issues at all with folks seeking counseling and using prescribed meds responsibly to get the help they need. When my XH first walked away I went to counseling and at one point, my counselor and my doctor worked together to prescribe me meds that I took for about 8 months and it helped. But, I knew from the beginning that it was NOT a long-term solution and I didn't want to become dependent on that, so it wasn't something I wanted to do for an extended period. So, I would NOT advise you to go on meds, unless it were a last resort type of thing. Now, others may disagree with me and that is fine, but I think you'll more likely find a lot of folks on here who offer a wide variety of things that worked for them that don't involve being medicated. Pinn and CW both pointed out exercise, which is a researched and known anti-depressant. Outdoor activities can also be relaxing, fun, and full of stress-relieving opportunities. I DO think counseling is good and if you get one who is not working for you the way you think he/she should be, then change. I lucked into a great one on the first try, but not everyone has that luxury. I wouldn't give up on that, though, as the benefits are astronomical. It really helps unpack a LOT.
I'm a big fan of reading because I can lose myself in another world/life for a time. I also like arts and crafts and organizing/re-doing my house because those are all very creative things for me and allow me to make things and change my environment without really spending a ton of money. If I'm REALLY struggling with something, I go to my dad's farm and help him feed or build fence or do whatever of the other millions of farm chores always need doing because physical labor can be very stress-relieving. Gardening, landscaping, bird-watching...so many great outdoor activities. You just have to find what speaks to you and run with it. And it may take you a bit. If you try something and don't like it, try something else. The possibilities are endless.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Tomorrow I have court. Right now it looks like the lawyers came up with an agreement. Drop the order of protection and go to court ordered therapy. With a new therapist that is progressive. Meaning over time increase my time with my daughter. The other therapist after 8 months did nothing.
Good luck today, Wolf, and let us know how it goes. (:
Given your D's reluctance to see you, accepting less than 50/50 custody, but buy-in from your XW to take your D to therapy sounds great. I hope your agreement has "teeth" if your XW fails to take your D, and that it allows you to change therapists if the first one isn't working for you or your D. When you have your first visit setup is a GREAT time to extend an olive branch to your ex soliciting her advice on making your first visit with D successful for D (not you). After your first visit is a good time to express gratitude. You have an opening. You can slowly turn around this co-parenting relationship, which will in turn improve your relationship with your kids.
I'm a broken record about mending fences with your XW. I get she may not be a good person. Co-parenting is a job, right? Sometimes you're nice to customers and colleagues who are not good people. I do remember when talking to my XW stressed me.
CW thank you for the advice. Everything was done between lawyers before we even went into court. So the order of protection was dropped. Thank god. Court mandated therapy with d, and it’s a new therapist. Hopefully this one is better. Some minor changes with my s. Those are the big things. Right now I can’t communicate with d, I can only communicate if the therapist recommends it. Right now I have to keep my distance. As far as communicating with the ex, minimal and has to be about the children. At least I can breath again and not worry about getting put in jail just because my ex feels like it. She likes to lie. Meantime the baby is 2 months. Time is flying.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Wolfman, when is your first session with D? How frequent will they be? You must be excited.
Therapy takes time. I like when they give you clear homework. Hopefully within a few sessions, you’ll have impressed the therapist enough, a weekly phone call will be on the table.
re: Making peace with XW, only you know precisely how you’re allowed to communicate with her, but it’s hard to imagine terms where you could ask her about tackle football but couldn’t find a way to ask her advice for making this first therapy session a success for your D, either directly or with your attorney’s help.
Right now I can’t communicate with d, I can only communicate if the therapist recommends it. Right now I have to keep my distance.
This is why if at all possible you NEVER want to allow the government to decide things for your life. I know it was your W who got the government involved but this is yet again a huge example to everyone else what can happen when you can’t come to a decision on your own and instead get third parties who know nothing about you or your family involved. I mean step back and think about this - a comparable stranger is deciding you cannot communicate with your own daughter!!! You have not been charged let alone convicted of a crime against her. Yet you cannot have contact with her. The system is broken but it’s all we currently have to protect the minority of children who may need that protection.
It can be hard to work with an ex or soon to be ex but it’s nearly always better doing that than rolling the dice and allowing an unknown government stranger to decide what is best for your children and family. I say this less to you and much more to anyone else reading and thinking it’s a better move to go to court. It rarely if ever is and sadly this is an example if that.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Don, Wolf says he and his lawyers agreed to those terms, they weren't dictated by a judge.
There often seems a disconnect between the facts presented and what his legal team agrees to. E.g., his team dropped all the accusations of XW not following court orders in return for her not making false accusations, his team took weeks to find a transcript showing the 2nd protection order shouldn't have been issued but didn't raise the issue in court and accepted pro-XW terms in return for not extending the order. Since he's not upset at his team and firing them, I assume we lack key legal details he prefers not to share here.
Wolfman, when is your first session with D? How frequent will they be? You must be excited.
Therapy takes time. I like when they give you clear homework. Hopefully within a few sessions, you’ll have impressed the therapist enough, a weekly phone call will be on the table..
Had my first therapy with d was this past Friday. It was a little hard. My d just bashed me how horrible I was and things I did. Most of which were lies. Lies that I am able to prove. I didn’t prove it with my d there, I showed the therapist afterward. Example, my complained that I called her a rat, because she was telling my ex everything that was going on in my house. Saying how dare I call her that. I acknowledged it and said maybe that was not appropriate and I apologized to her for that. But I said you are complaining that I said that and that it was hurtful, what about what your mom says to you? She said like what? And I quote, How many times did your mom say you smelled like $h*t and looked like that? She said she didn’t? I said are you sure, please don’t lie to the therapist and then she didn’t say anything. Afterward I have recordings of her mom yelling at her saying those things. Another lie was that I shoved my gr down her throat. I said I gradually tried to introduce her to you. And then she said I only met her a few times. I said why? Because you didn’t want me to bring her around more, so I was honoring ur wishes. So if I bring her around it’s too much, if I don’t you didn’t get to know her. So I lose. I said what about your mom? Was it ok she brought her bf around? She said she had no problem with him coming around. Another lie. I said to my daughter are you sure, again it’s just about being honest with this therapist. She said she didn’t have a problem. Again, after I showed the therapist texts between her and her mom and she said he is always around and how she is shoving him down her throat. I want the therapist to see how she lies and makes up things, to hopeful show the parental alienation. There is no s more but not going to get into it now. I hope this therapist can really help.
As far as the court case Don, my lawyers said if they call my d into testify all she has to say is I gave her anxiety or she felt harassed and all the evidence in the world won’t help me. My first and most important step was to get rid of that order of protection. I have to take it one step at a time. Look am I truly happy with everything, no, but I have to take the good with the bad.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Most of which were lies. Lies that I am able to prove.
It can be hard to prove a negative. E.g., it's easy to prove "I said X", hard to prove "I didn't say Y." I didn't see any examples of lies about you. I did see examples of her lying to protect her mom.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Example, my complained that I called her a rat, because she was telling my ex everything that was going on in my house. Saying how dare I call her that. I acknowledged it and said maybe that was not appropriate and I apologized to her for that.
Was it "maybe not appropriate" or very inappropriate? Did you acknowledge that? Did you ask how it made her feel? Did you validate her feelings? It's hard being present in an uncomfortable moment, facing our human failings as parents. I assume it's true since you apologized. Props for taking ownership and apologizing.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
But I said you are complaining that I said that and that it was hurtful, what about what your mom says to you? She said like what? And I quote, How many times did your mom say you smelled like $h*t and looked like that? She said she didn’t? I said are you sure, please don’t lie to the therapist and then she didn’t say anything. Afterward I have recordings of her mom yelling at her saying those things.
So. Much. Focus. On. Your. XW. Your D"s issue was you called her a rat. You spent 3 lines talking about that, 5 lines talking about what XW called her. I hope in the actual session you spent more time talking about your harsh words than XW's harsh words. I get your goal was to show your D lies--in these examples, to cover up your XW's shortcomings. You made that point as soon as she said, "She didn't" and you showed the recording. Wolf, in my own thread I mention my trauma and triggers. Things I am incapable of talking about well until I get more therapy. Your XW sounds like one of those topics for you. I do think therapy will be faster and more successful for your relationship with D if you dropped the XW, at least until you've worked through your trauma. If you feel XW is an unfit parent, maybe that could be brought up in a separate proceeding. Someone here mentioned appointing a guardian ad litem for your D which could help with that.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Another lie was that I shoved my gr down her throat. I said I gradually tried to introduce her to you. And then she said I only met her a few times. I said why? Because you didn’t want me to bring her around more, so I was honoring ur wishes. So if I bring her around it’s too much, if I don’t you didn’t get to know her. So I lose. I said what about your mom?
I'm not sure where you feel she lied here. She didn't want to see your GF. If I understand correctly, you think that's unfair. XW got to introduce her BF, while for you a "fast" approach was shoving her down D's throat, a "slow" approach" meant D didn't know her. With your GF, with your D, there may not have been an optimal frequency that would've won. The winning technique was probably honoring that D wants nothing to do with GF, that she only wanted to see you?
