CW, you would date a cheater who had an exit affair with you ? Would this really rule out too many women ? For me this would be the biggest red flag possible, as it shows you where their mindset (and values) are at - As Smilie is now seeing.. As i saw with my WW - she didnt have an exit affair, but did have an affair with a guy prior to meeting me. Just intrigued really - after all the things we have seen on this board, and the consequences of WW actions, you would still date a lady with a mindset that its ok to cheat ? Not having a dig, i'm just very curious as to why you would risk you being the next guy she exit affairs on ( as Smilie became )
Originally Posted by Chump Lady
Exit affairs, IMO, happen when someone wants out, but is too colossally immature to just own it — someone in an exit affair actually ENDS it. They leave. It’s definitive. They don’t waffle. They don’t come back. They don’t engage in goading the “pick me” dance. Is it ####ty? Yes. But to me, cake eating is ####tier, because cake eaters inflict a whole other level of mind####ery.
If that's what we're talking about, yes, for me having an exit affair in your past is a yellow flag ("Huh?! Tell me more!") not a red flag ("No way, Josefina!"). All things being equal, exit affairs are a bad breakup behavior, and I'd pick someone who would break up with me and then sleep with someone else 3-30 days later like a normal person, lol. Note, there are long-term posters here who've once had an EA/PA--but seem like they've grown and would be great partners. The details and their current perspective matter to me.
Now, if someone wanted to have an exit affair with me?! Heck no to an LTR! That's a neon red flag. (:
As you know mate, all of us felt like this and no one ever expected to be in this position, I have really had trouble with this. What has helped me accept and process is to ask myself questions inspired by my reading of Stoicism.
- The divorce rate is circa 50%, so why shouldn't this happen to me? - If there are so many people affected in the same way, and they all say after a few years things get better, why wouldn't they get better for me?
These are very good points and a good way of thinking. I suppose in my life I've always had bad stuff happen. And the way the bad things happen always outweigh/outshine the good things. So this happening and all the emotions and the stbxw's actions and intentions, has negated all the good stuff.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
- If this person is actively choosing not to be with me, how can they be the right person for me?
This stood out as a very good thing to ask. If they are also prepared to see me on the streets while they are in the best place they've been ever, how can they actually think anything of me?
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
- If I had a great life before this person was a part of it, why can't it be just as great, if not better, after?
I get what you mean, but I really didn't have a great life before. It was rubbish. My entire life has been a nightmare and when I got together with my wife (before she was that), it was the best relationship that I had ever had and the best my life has ever been ... until now. I was waiting for it all to come crumbling down much sooner, which is why I waited 8 years to marry, to make sure it was right. From that point on things changed and went downhill. Sex life got less fairly rapidly and a year later she left BD #1.
If I hadn't have gotten ill maybe things would have been able to be built up properly, but then she wasn't honest about having an affair, so the relationship wasn't built on the right foundations from that point. This year, once again, it's turned into a nightmare.
Every single serious relationship (4) I have had I have been abused in some way; 1) Cheated - she left me, 2) Emptied house while I was at work and left, 3) Turned out a psychological manipulator/violent (her) - I left her, 4) WW/WAW & money theft.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
