CWs it's interesting that you would make this statement when you divorced your W when she was depressed. That doesn't sound like unconditional love to me. Maybe I'm wrong?
LH, that's TWO deep questions today! I promise to get back to them after paddleboarding this morning. (:
I'll take a crack.
Depression was her cross to bear. CW's decision was how long he was willing to wait for her to do what she needed to do to work on her problem. I am sure CW, you didn't pull the plug on your marriage the day after her depression diagnosis, am I right? It was probably a long, sordid journey where her depression caused her to behave in ways that were counter-productive, destructive, and/or unacceptable. Depression is like any things else, it isn't the disease that is the problem, it is the patient's reaction to the disease. Like the diabetic that just ignores the doctor's advice, refuses to take the medication, and continues to eat a diet problematic for their condition.
Well this answer seems to conflict with the in sickness and health and death to you part that I am always reminded about on here. Also doesn't make a very good case for our friend Smilies here either.
I couldn't support her the way she expected and she just looked at someone else who had a more affluent lifestyle and was self-sufficient (like I used to be when I met her) and she said to herself "I want that", and so she did. Magically she is transported to a nice house and driving new big cars - a true rags to riches fairy-tale.
So what kind of person is that Smilies?
The same type of person who is prepared to sleep her way to the top, which effectively is what she is doing.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by smilie
The answer is just as muddled and gives me no clear choice - I must, but I really don't want to. And that one statement takes away one path and takes away choice. I suppose I must keep to my words that I told her just before she left, "I'll give you what you want". She told me what she wanted, so I must keep up my end of the bargain I suppose, after all, I am and always have been, a man of my word.
NO! You do what's best for you!
I have to start thinking that way now. It's not thinking that way got me into trouble!
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by smilie
This one thing I am sure, will break me ... completely.
Only if you let it.
True.
Cheers
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
CWs it's interesting that you would make this statement when you divorced your W when she was depressed. That doesn't sound like unconditional love to me. Maybe I'm wrong?
LH, that's TWO deep questions today! I promise to get back to them after paddleboarding this morning. (:
I'll take a crack.
Depression was her cross to bear. CW's decision was how long he was willing to wait for her to do what she needed to do to work on her problem. I am sure CW, you didn't pull the plug on your marriage the day after her depression diagnosis, am I right? It was probably a long, sordid journey where her depression caused her to behave in ways that were counter-productive, destructive, and/or unacceptable. Depression is like any things else, it isn't the disease that is the problem, it is the patient's reaction to the disease. Like the diabetic that just ignores the doctor's advice, refuses to take the medication, and continues to eat a diet problematic for their condition.
Well this answer seems to conflict with the in sickness and health and death to you part that I am always reminded about on here. Also doesn't make a very good case for our friend Smilies here either.
Depends on what the depression-caused behavior is. Sickness and health goes out the window if the sickness results in her sleeping with other people. -shrug-
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If this is the price for loving somebody unconditionally, then I really don't know what to say.
Yes, loss is the price of love. I’m a romantic and still believe in love and unconditional love for my partner. Divorce and DB’ing don’t require relinquishing those. Maybe, with perspective, years from now you’ll look back and say you had 10 great years with her and 2 miserable years getting over her, and it was worth it on the balance. It may take time to get there.
It's a shame that it has to be a 'dirty' loss though. Tainted with deceit and lies and horribleness from her part. We did have loads of great years, been together 19, 2011 was rubbish and this one so far too.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Depends on what the depression-caused behavior is. Sickness and health goes out the window if the sickness results in her sleeping with other people. -shrug-
Well CWs can confirm but I don't think his EW was sleeping with other people.
Depends on what the depression-caused behavior is. Sickness and health goes out the window if the sickness results in her sleeping with other people. -shrug-
Well CWs can confirm but I don't think his EW was sleeping with other people.
LOL, you are a very binary person. My last post was an example. Maybe his W beat him due to depression. Maybe she endangered the kids. There are lots of unacceptable behaviors that if left unchecked could result in him rightfully walking away.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
For completion and for reference, here is the main body of the text message that my wife sent me 2 days after leaving. I can't remember posting it before. She has since not kept to her words, she stopped paying the rent after 2 months, did abandon me. I do wonder how much of the content of this message was true when she was typing it and what changed her mind afterwards.
"I'm so sorry to do this. I appreciate the email you sent. I know you will never understand and forever hate me. I won't blame you. I have feelings for somebody else and it really isn't someone I work with. It isn't right to be with us in that situation and I haven't taken this decision lightly, I thought about it long and hard as I care about you so much and of course I have loved you for a long time. I'm not coming back to live at the house. I will not abandon you at all, I will pay the rent and bills for three months. There will be £1500 in your bank account today for food and stuff.
I'm so sorry, when we had counselling 9 years ago I thought we would be back on track for good, I really wanted it too and we have been great for years. It had nothing to do with you being poorly at all or not working, all I ever wanted was for you to get better. I can't explain why. I don't know what else to say at the moment apart from I'm deeply sorry and please be ok xx I know how much I've hurt you and I feel so sad and upset about that and for making you feel ill.
We will need to see each other soon to sort out my things and stuff so we will be in touch xx"
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Smilie - you did nothing. Even if you completely failed as a husband this still wouldn't be about you. And you know you didn't completely fail, so stop eating the pain she's feeding you. WW is miserable, she is in a position to do what ever makes her happy. That includes but is not limited to ditching her MR and getting a new guy, ditching her old car and getting a new one, ditching her wardrobe, friends, family members, job. Whatever she thinks in that moment that will relive the pain she's feeling or fill the hole she has that's the path she'll take. Once again while all of the things she says and does seem personal everything she's doing has absolutely nothing to do with you. Even when she tries to frame you as the problem in the MR you need to remember that her brain and the people in her life need to make her illogical and emotionally driven actions seem logical. Logically if you're a shite H that was holding her back then everything she's doing is totally logical. But you aren't the issue. The gaping hole in her psyche is. You have to work on detaching. This will only break you if you allow it to.
CW, Steve, LH - As to unconditional love, there's no such thing. All love is conditional. If your child is a serial killer you're still going to love them but you're not going to love them the way you loved them as a baby. Love evolves and changes. You don't even have unconditional love with pets unless maybe you're the pet. (I dare you to tell me that love is unconditional for the human when you're scrubbing sh!t out of the carpet) We all have boundaries, lines, conditions. We all grow and change and so does our love. The hope is to have a love that fosters many iterations and can withstand all of those iterations. That's the closest to unconditional that we'll ever get.
As to the depression, I know for a fact my depression took a huge toll on my MR. It's made almost all of my relationships strained at one point or another. This most recent bout, which happened to be probably one of my worse since my teen years, nearly destroyed my MR for 2 reasons.
1) because my H was ill equipped to handle a relationship with a person who is mentally ill and is need of help, a person who is mentally ill and gets help but needs time to adjust to medication, CBT and regular talk therapy, and a person who's mental health is being exacerbated by grief and cPTSD due to prolonged interaction with the person who gave them cPTSD. He has to own that he didn't understand what was happening or how to be a good partner to someone suffering like that. Instead he became depressed as well and decided I personally was the problem. That is fault he could've easily addressed and it took us falling apart completely before he even began to understand that this is a failing.
2) was because I got help way too late. I knew I needed help. In reality looking back I probably should've been put in inpatient for a short period of time or intensive outpatient. I was not ok. But because I was functional both of us were able to pretend that it was fine and I was fine. But I lashed out in anger. My hygiene/personal upkeep wasn't the best. You couldn't like smell me at a distance or anything, but I wasn't exactly taking care of myself either. My friendships were taking a back seat because I didn't have the emotional energy required to be a friend but I was also isolating because you know depression. Which then led to my H thinking I was relying on him for all my needs which he unilaterally decided he was going to try to meet. Which led to resentment because he couldn't met them. Which led to more resentment because as soon as he felt bad about himself in the relationship he started checking out and it required me to do more heavy lifting in all aspects in our life. Which in turn made me all the more pessimistic about the world and him and our MR. And it was a downward spiral. I got worse, he got worse, we got worse.
Depression makes things incredibly complicated, and I often say I'm grateful that what happened happened even though I wish it could've been different. H's A woke me up, it pushed me to get deeply into treatment instead of just tiptoeing my way in. I knew if I didn't get a handle on what I was dealing with I wouldn't survive the A or my MR falling apart. That if I didn't focus entirely on saving myself the grief from everything would quickly eat me alive. Because of that I think there is merit to a partner having to walk away to stop the resentment cycle. To stop the cycle in general. I also think there's merit to no one, no one is required to stand by a partner who is abusive, addicted, or is refusing help for their mental health. That isn't conditional. That isn't a violation of vows. That's saving yourself and your kids before that partner takes the whole ship down with them.
Thanks for sharing, smilie. Polite words can cut deeply. If those are her precise words, I’d consider she could Google them and find this thread. If that’s a concern you may want to edit them or ask a moderator to do so.
If those are her precise words, I’d consider she could Google them and find this thread. If that’s a concern you may want to edit them or ask a moderator to do so.
Didn't think about that! Poo.. I shall get it deleted.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
