Today is the day when my wife sent me a text message that she will not be coming home and that she is with somebody else. Today marks Week #7 - I'm trying not to count.
I have started a new thread.
For anybody following, my previous threads can be found here:
This is a really tough ride and I thank each and every one of you for being there, I am so grateful for all of your time, care and sharing of your experiences. I sincerely don't know how I will ever be able to repay you.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
And I won't be around to ever know this. It's likely that in a few weeks I will be gone from this area for good. I cannot stay around here with all the memories and the risk of bumping into her. So the only person who will ever know the answer to that question is her and that for me, is a crying shame.
I actually really like this and think this really plays to your favor to have this attitude. The more you can foster they idea that you aren't sticking around waiting for her to finally wake-up, the more likely she will wake up before it is too late.
In most situations, the WS does eventually wake up and question what they are doing. By then often times the LBS has moved forward with their life and does not look back! The beauty of DBing is that by DBing you are going to be fine, NO MATTER WHAT! Sometimes early on it is hard to see that, but one day you will look back and realize that whatever the outcome, the situation was one of the best things that ever happened.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I get what you mean, but I really didn't have a great life before. It was rubbish. My entire life has been a nightmare and when I got together with my wife (before she was that), it was the best relationship that I had ever had and the best my life has ever been ... until now. I was waiting for it all to come crumbling down much sooner, which is why I waited 8 years to marry, to make sure it was right. From that point on things changed and went downhill. Sex life got less fairly rapidly and a year later she left BD #1.
If I hadn't have gotten ill maybe things would have been able to be built up properly, but then she wasn't honest about having an affair, so the relationship wasn't built on the right foundations from that point. This year, once again, it's turned into a nightmare.
Every single serious relationship (4) I have had I have been abused in some way; 1) Cheated - she left me, 2) Emptied house while I was at work and left, 3) Turned out a psychological manipulator/violent (her) - I left her, 4) WW/WAW & money theft.
Smilie, when i read these lines, the thought that crossed my mind was "this guy is a bad picker"
What i mean by that, is your are making poor partner choices.
Have you always been in a relationship?- You need to be happy in your own skin - not with somebody else making you happy.
You say that the WW was the best relationship, but this woman made you ill !
You say you were cheated on, but then became the OM, when you WW cheated on her partner.
You need to work on you, and sort yourself.. And in a few years time, do a lot of reading before you start dating again ( dont rush the process like so many LBS do ) - No more mr Nice Guy and Dating essentials for Men are two books by Robert Glover which go into details about "bad pickers"
First though - work on you.. People here will always give you advice and we only have your best interests at heart - We have ALL been through this in some way, shape or form.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
when i read these lines, the thought that crossed my mind was "this guy is a bad picker"
What i mean by that, is your are making poor partner choices.
Yes, I obviously am, the trail of destruction proves that.
Originally Posted by MrBrside
Have you always been in a relationship?- You need to be happy in your own skin - not with somebody else making you happy.
No. I have spent many years living on my own and I would never jump straight into another relationship, I'm not that type of guy.
Originally Posted by MrBrside
You say that the WW was the best relationship, but this woman made you ill !
Yes I believe that she has and after what she is doing now and the letter I have just received from her lawyer, she's trying to top-up that illness as best she can.
Originally Posted by MrBrside
You say you were cheated on, but then became the OM, when you WW cheated on her partner.
Yep, I deserve that. I have felt bad about this and originally broke the affair off. It didn't last. It should have lasted. This is the first time that I have seen somebody else who's in a relationship ... it will be my last.
Originally Posted by MrBrside
You need to work on you, and sort yourself.. And in a few years time, do a lot of reading before you start dating again ( dont rush the process like so many LBS do ) - No more mr Nice Guy and Dating essentials for Men are two books by Robert Glover which go into details about "bad pickers"
Few years? I'm 55 now! I'll be nearly 60 in a few years! Honestly though, another relationship is the last thing I need, I would prefer to get a dog if I could. I miss having a dog. It's hard in this country to have a dog in a rented house as many landlord don't accept it.
I agree that I need to work on myself and I shall. Firstly I just need some space, some peace and to get this rubbish sorted. I have a copy of No More Mr. Nice guy and have added both books to my reading list for after I'm moved.
Originally Posted by MrBrside
First though - work on you.. People here will always give you advice and we only have your best interests at heart - We have ALL been through this in some way, shape or form.
I know and will be forever in their debt. I always consider every word typed and never just write it off and somebody's opinion. Yes, it may be that it is their opinion, but it is an opinion well earned and based on their experience.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
And I won't be around to ever know this. It's likely that in a few weeks I will be gone from this area for good. I cannot stay around here with all the memories and the risk of bumping into her. So the only person who will ever know the answer to that question is her and that for me, is a crying shame.
I actually really like this and think this really plays to your favor to have this attitude. The more you can foster they idea that you aren't sticking around waiting for her to finally wake-up, the more likely she will wake up before it is too late.
No I'm not, not after I'm finding out just what she is capable of. She is trying to tread me into the ground like a POS of the bottom of her shoe, after taking the savings and trying to take my pensions - she is still trying.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
In most situations, the WS does eventually wake up and question what they are doing. By then often times the LBS has moved forward with their life and does not look back! The beauty of DBing is that by DBing you are going to be fine, NO MATTER WHAT! Sometimes early on it is hard to see that, but one day you will look back and realize that whatever the outcome, the situation was one of the best things that ever happened.
Well, she can then wake up and look at her reflection in the mirror and answer to that. I'm done with her and her games, which she is only just getting started playing, it would seem.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
I have just got a letter from my wife's lawyer. She's not going to pay spousal maintenance as she doesn't have any money left. After she left her car developed problems and she had to sell it, that's why she needs to pay for a leased car at 600 a month. Oh, and she needs osteopathic treatment because she has a neck problem because of the stress of the relationship breaking down - did she not break it down?
Furthermore, she has to contribute to the cleaner as her husband has a cleaner - so if he already had one, why does she need to pay for her when he already was then? Oh and the gardener also, of course. She hasn't been able to afford beauty treatments before while living with me, so she's having them now - even though she used to have over 700 spare each month - she chose not to have them and never mentioned that she wanted any. And holidays are essential as she works full-time and doesn't get chance to wind down.
She also wants to know what I've done to find a cheaper place to live and claims that I am unwilling to work! Well that was why she didn't want to supply a statement for my disability claim then. How can she say this knowing full well every tiny intimate detail about my condition? how?
She has emptied both bank accounts and closed one and even somehow got my signature on the paperwork - I have never seen that document and didn't even remember we had that account. If I signed something to close and account and transfer 13,500 to another account (June 2020), I think I would have wanted to know why!
When I ask "What have I done to deserve being treated in this way" and people say I've done "Nothing", then why, oh why, is she treating me like this. This is the worst anybody has treated be before and I thought that she loved me all these years.......I am truly gobsmacked!!
P.S. Who told me that "it's going to get worse" - you were right!
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Even when she tries to frame you as the problem in the MR you need to remember that her brain and the people in her life need to make her illogical and emotionally driven actions seem logical.
You are right - she is doing exactly this now through her lawyer, indicating I am 'unwilling' to work, when she intimately knows I cannot, not in the traditional sense, otherwise, why would we not have solved that issue over the past 7 years?
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Once again smilie don't take any of this personally no matter how personal it feels. None of what she is doing is she doing to cut you at the knees personally, she's doing what she thinks is best for her. You are just an obstacle in her way. This version of reality will come crashing down on her in due time. And she will try to make this seem more and more personal as she loses more and more of what she wants. She's going to blame you. She's going to say and do much worse things. Trust me. But none of it's about you. It's about that elusive happiness she seeks.
Once again spot on, it is getting worse. You should be a fortune teller - seriously - can I be your first client please?
Will her version of reality come crashing down? Really? You've got everything else right so far, but I can't see that she will ever suffer for this and that she will just get everything she wants having shat on me completely. Some would say that she will have no regrets, I think at this stage I would agree. I would never treat anybody the way she is now treating me - it would be against my character, totally. If she had a conscience, surely she wouldn't do what she has done over the past few years, had affairs, coordinated the emptying of accounts and now piscing on me!
I feel so betrayed it's unbelievable!
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Smilie, I get the feeling that you are approaching this from an emotional angle. However, when dealing with lawyers, you may want to think about whether that is going to serve you better than approaching this from a transactional or business perspective.
Originally Posted by smilie
When I ask "What have I done to deserve being treated in this way" and people say I've done "Nothing", then why, oh why, is she treating me like this. This is the worst anybody has treated be before and I thought that she loved me all these years.......I am truly gobsmacked!!
I notice you still spend a lot of energy analyzing why your WAS behaved the way she did and whether it is fair for her to behave that way or not. I am guessing if your WAS on this board, she would have many reasons to justify her behavior. The question you need to ask yourself is does it matter at this point? Your relationship is where it is now regardless of the reason. You are still looking over your shoulder for answers while she seems to be focused on the road ahead. In my opinion you should be focusing on the present and next steps and focusing on things you can control rather than those outside your control.
