I have just got a letter from my wife's lawyer. She's not going to pay spousal maintenance as she doesn't have any money left.
Makes sense. Her attorney wants her to pay $0 (best for her). At tax time, people try to put down as many deductions as possible. They don't debate the ethics of each. Your attorney wants her to pay a lot (best for you). They'll knock down every improper deduction. In the end, you'll typically wind up at some balance point close to the court guidelines, whether through settlement, mediation, or adjudication.
Originally Posted by smilie
Oh, and she needs osteopathic treatment because she has a neck problem because of the stress of the relationship breaking down - did she not break it down?
An exit affair is more a symptom of a broken relationship than the cause of a broken relationship. She owns her bad breakup behavior of cheating. The breakdown of the relationship is a shared responsibility.
Originally Posted by smilie
why, oh why, is she treating me like this. I thought that she loved me all these years.......I am truly gobsmacked!!
She probably loved you once upon a time--that's why she stood by you through years of hard times.
Smilie, I get the feeling that you are approaching this from an emotional angle. However, when dealing with lawyers, you may want to think about whether that is going to serve you better than approaching this from a transactional or business perspective.
Yes I am probably. I can't just flick a switch and look at it like a business transaction when she is rewriting history and blatantly lying to her lawyer who then tries to make me out to be the one at fault.
Originally Posted by MLCxH
I notice you still spend a lot of energy analyzing why your WAS behaved the way she did and whether it is fair for her to behave that way or not. I am guessing if your WAS on this board, she would have many reasons to justify her behavior. The question you need to ask yourself is does it matter at this point? Your relationship is where it is now regardless of the reason. You are still looking over your shoulder for answers while she seems to be focused on the road ahead. In my opinion you should be focusing on the present and next steps and focusing on things you can control rather than those outside your control.
I think you have misinterpreted my focus here and forgive me if I am wrong. I think that you are referring to her behaviour as to how she left and having an A. In my previous post I was referring to her actions that I have discovered today, in closing yet another one of our joint accounts and keeping the money - June 2020 and somehow obtaining my signature on the form without me even seeing the form! She has been clever and cunning, that's for sure. Yes I am focusing on that as I needed to and it has really shocked me in many ways and on so many levels.
I am no longer looking for answers as to why she left. I know why she left. I was useless and had no income as I have a neurological condition and she decided that she wanted to be with the guy who has loads of money and flashy cars that she turned up in on the weekend to collect her clothes. In my book, she has prostituted herself into a better life, convincing a guy to take her into his lifestyle because that's what she wanted. There is absolutely no difference in this to me, than people marrying into money and no doubt she will, unless somehow it al comes crashing down, which I don't think it will as it seems that she always comes up smelling of roses.
The best thing I can do for me is not let her get me down or push me down, but I;m really having problems trying to keep my head above water here.
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
Oh, and she needs osteopathic treatment because she has a neck problem because of the stress of the relationship breaking down - did she not break it down?
An exit affair is more a symptom of a broken relationship than the cause of a broken relationship. She owns her bad breakup behavior of cheating. The breakdown of the relationship is a shared responsibility.
This is where I find it difficult, as I was truly unaware that the relationship had broke down. This is what I really don't get. She acted brilliantly of course, so that she would give me the impression that everything was ok, all while she was maneuvering things into position behind the scenes - slight of hand, if you like. I feel like I'm being a bit thick here and feel that I must be missing something?
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by smilie
why, oh why, is she treating me like this. I thought that she loved me all these years.......I am truly gobsmacked!!
She probably loved you once upon a time--that's why she stood by you through years of hard times.
Again, something else I don't get. If she loved me "once upon a time", then when she stopped loving me why not end the relationship nicely and go our own separate ways? Why drag it on year after year pretending to love me, saying she loved me, etc, etc? I stood by her in the hard times 7.5 years when she was ill. Why doesn't that count? Why am I the bad guy because I have this bloomin' awful condition that cannot be resolved? Please forgive me, but I really don't get this either and think that I must be extremely thick?
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
This is negotiations. You have claims, she has claims. You can agree or disagree about any part of it.
At some point you both settle. If you can't settle, then arbitration. If that fails then a judge makes a ruling.
It is an emotional time for you and your spouse. The lawyers are in the middle making money. Lots of things to stir up some anger. Anger is raw energy.
Channel the anger into positive action. For example, action into researching the divorce laws of you area. Get educated.
Stay strong. Work to protect yourself. You can handle it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
This is where I find it difficult, as I was truly unaware that the relationship had broke down.
I bet! BD is a shock for most of us. In my case, there were many signs. In your case, it sounds like there were few recent signs. That has to be all the more frustrating.
Originally Posted by smilie
I know why she left. I was useless and had no income as I have a neurological condition and she decided that she wanted to be with the guy who has loads of money and flashy cars that she turned up in on the weekend to collect her clothes. In my book, she has prostituted herself
You have no idea why she chose him. You seem to be mindreading and villainizing her.
Smilie, another technique that I have found useful. My STBXW has been in a 1 year+ R with OM. She started it whilst we were still living together. I tortured myself for many months with the question of "how could she move on so quickly after 14 years together".
How I see it now is, she wanted out, her meeting someone new was an inevitability. Why does it matter the timeframe? What timeframe would have been acceptable? 3 months, 6 months? It's just a number, therefore it doesn't matter. The time it takes them to move on is neither good or bad, it is only your perception that makes it so.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
I tortured myself for many months with the question of "how could she move on so quickly after 14 years together".
I know you're right and it doesn't matter. What's happening inside her head is what makes her move on, flipped the a switch that made husband -> enemy & lover -> partner. She's been moving on for a while, that much is obvious.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
How I see it now is, she wanted out, her meeting someone new was an inevitability. Why does it matter the timeframe? ... It's just a number, therefore it doesn't matter. The time it takes them to move on is neither good or bad, it is only your perception that makes it so.
You are correct.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
You have no idea why she chose him. You seem to be mindreading and villainizing her.
I didn't think that I was, it's just what I see. I suppose I'm wrong again then
M(55), W(45) BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21) Divorce Filed (16 July '21) --- When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
smilie, another cycle that doesn't get enough discussion is the LBS cycling between desperation to save their marriage at all costs to ready to throw the WAS out of their life for good, and every state in between. I remember this early on in my sitch where one minute I would be desperate to find the thing to say or do that would save my marriage, to the next minute where I was ready just to get rid of her and move on with my life. And lots of states in between that. And actually finding the middle balance is the key. Enough of a desire to move forward with your life with or without the WAS to DB effectively, but also enough of a desire to save your MR that you behave around them in the appropriate ways (think sandi's rules).
The wild swings of holding on for dear life to waiting to just pull the plug and forget about them doesn't really help. I struggled the most in the extremes of those two things. The first caused me to behave in ways that actually pushed her farther away (including snooping on her), and the latter caused me to forget the principles taught in sandi's rules and to trend back towards passive-aggressiveness and some of the damaging behavior that led us to the point we were at to begin with. But that sweet spot in the middle is where I could DB my tail off, and do really well the GAL, 180s, and detachment that were so key.
So just be aware of the cycle. We've seen it with lots of posters here. One minute they are ready to chain their WAS to a fixed point in the house to keep them from leaving, and the next they are ready to throw them out on their ear.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
How I see it now is, she wanted out, her meeting someone new was an inevitability. Why does it matter the timeframe? ... It's just a number, therefore it doesn't matter. The time it takes them to move on is neither good or bad, it is only your perception that makes it so.
You are correct.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
You have no idea why she chose him. You seem to be mindreading and villainizing her.
I didn't think that I was, it's just what I see. I suppose I'm wrong again then
In some cases, OM is a "predator" More often, it's just some shlub that got caught up in it. In many cases these things are the result of a thousand micro-escalations instead of a decision that someone has made. i.e. two people are unhappy in their marriages and start discussing it with each other. The validation feels good, after a few get togethers one of them says something only mildly flirtatious. The other person likes the attention and doesn't object, or says something mildly flirtatious back. The next time it's slightly more flirtatious, etc. etc. and before they know it they're way over the line.
At that point, they are not thinking about you, or their wife, or kids, or anything else -- they're just enjoying the attention. They are of course aware that they're doing something wrong, but they're ignoring it and putting on blinders.
