I'm going to go to the validation thread right after I Type this to try to see something that might help me with my response. I just feel hes going to ask me why I didnt reply, I could see him asking if I miss him as well, I could even see him saying something about working on things (not for sure but its possible) and I know he wouldnt mean it right now, that hes just having separation anxiety and withdrawals of having me there for him
Just say “ oh I assumed it was meant for someone else and you texted me by mistake.”.
Active listening and validation provide easy replies to his statements. "I miss you" is expressing a feeling. I don't see acknowledging feelings as a weakness. Direct questions are different.
Originally Posted by Imaginary Dialogue
Him> I miss you You> I hear you. | You do sound upset. ... Him> I want to work on things. You> What things do you want to work on?
Thank you all, I know I ask questions with these situations alot, I just want to handle everything correctly, and you all and your advice helps me SO much, so thank you! I'm going to do my best to put your advice into play when I have to see him later, if he brings it up, and only if he does.
Just want to give a slightly different opinion for you to take or leave. I don't agree that the only way back is to wait until your H is begging for another chance.
I don't think you should say you assumed it was for someone else. If he asks you directly I might say I was confused and didn't really want to talk about that. And AVOID an R talk then-- walk away, go do something else. Stay super busy around him so that it makes it harder for him to try to corner you into an R talk.
Remember he IS confused and spinning and he may not be a sociopath purposefully plotting to keep you hooked, but this behavior is basically temp checking and making sure you're still available to him. It really does you zero good at this point to reinforce him-- you'll only set yourself back. If you really feel you must respond, I'd consider just typing "ok" or a thumbs up emoji. A neutral response so he can't say you were rude for not responding, but not giving him any inkling what is going on in your head either.
My H used to say all kinds of $hit when we were in limbo, I was his best friend, we had to make this decision together, he wasn't sure he could do it (leave to go ride off into the sunset with AP), he was going to miss me, blah blah blah. I would say... I'm sure you do. I'm sure you will. I don't know what to say to that. (well I wanted to say you're being a total dumba$$, which I did say sometimes but tried to restrain myself). Not really validating. I was very matter of fact. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of agreeing with him on this one. If he wanted to leave, he had to do it himself like a big boy. I wasn't going to hold his hand through it, and I sure wasn't going to be his friend afterwards. I focused on my kids, exercise, friends, and did my very best to plan for a great future that didn't include him.
I think you're doing really well, Artemis. Keep it up. DO NOT WAVER-- I think it is pretty likely that he'll keep swinging back and forth for awhile, going from the "you're so awful I can't be married to you" to "I miss you and and I want to work on our M". Just keep trucking along and doing your thing. Let his crazy wash over you. You got this.
M
PS Re the affair... he may not be having a PA but he could be in an online emotional affair.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
My H only twice in limbo said he missed me. The first time was unfortunately to my face, so there wasn't much I could avoid. I'm hot headed, which doesn't seem to be your style so I said "That's unfortunate for you, but I miss someone who doesn't effing exist." And then I walked away.
I agree with May with the neutral responses. OK or thumbs up always annoyed the h3ll out of my H when we were in this phase. A lack of reaction literally annoyed him.
I don't know that I really believe in the A and B plan concept. But I do think WAS/WS are spending limbo weighing and measuring the LBS in comparison to either and AP or simply a single life. A non-reaction like OK, does not conform with their idea of what they assumed you're reaction would be. They usually expect the LBS to run to pick the crumbs they're dropping. Occasionally when you have partner like me they expect an explosion or the crumb catching.
Honestly if your H asks about the text I wouldn't lie. It's not worth you're time putting him a hook when he already has you one one. If you're asked directly let him know you saw it, but you have no reason to believe it, and you simply don't have it in you to keep playing this game with him.
He can't have things both ways ad infinitum. There has to be a point at which you won't be willing to play the I love you I hate you game any more. H knows this.
