Thanks. And I didnt so much mean to not wear it for that purpose. I guess I worded that incorrectly. Its mire that I was worried that if he saw me wearing it all the time hed constantly think I will be here no matter what, his plan B as everyone constantly says. But I am definitely going to wear it thanks for the advice
Wearing your ring is like saying words. Without action to back that up they are meaningless. When you are out GAL, working on yourself, and lovingly detached, wearing your ring is not going to send the opposite message.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Your goal is to get him back, committed and loyal, forever.
And in my opinion, the only way to do that is to put the fear of God in him that he was within an inch of losing you forever due to his cheating and lying ways.
I'm not advocating being a jerk to him. I am advocating that you have enough self respect to accept nothing less than full transparency, loyalty, and a commitment to you and your son.
My opinion on the ring thing is it's a personal choice. Steve has a point ceremoniously removing it has a manipulation aspect to it, but so does leaving it on. It's just the flip side, I'm married whether you want to be or not.
I honestly think you do what feels right to you.
I took mine off the second H wouldn't admit to the EA. I didn't want to be in a MR where he could lie to my face or that he'd rather call me crazy and insecure than admit he was doing something detrimental to our MR because he didn't want to have to give it up. I didn't make a big show of it. I just stopped. I felt like if he wants to act like he isn't married I have no real obligation to act like I'm devoutly and happily married out in the world. I wouldn't put mine back on until H showed a dedication to wearing his during Recon. I'm also mildly crazy so when he stopped wearing his ring I took it and put it away with mine. It "mysteriously" reappeared on his dresser when he decided to move back in to the MBR months after I had taken it.
It's something you have to decide. I just wouldn't make a big deal about it either way though. If you decide to not wear it don't tell him you're taking it off or why. If you decided to keep it on and he asks about it keep it simple, shrug and let him know you're legally still married. The end. No flourish.
Your goal is to get him back, committed and loyal, forever.
My goal post for R would be committed and loyal for the foreseeable future.
Thornton, I think you and I both wanted an enduring love and went through multiple R attempts. My final R attempt may have been a fail, but I don't regret it. I felt some closure each of us trying our best for a year to see if we could overcome baggage around the breakup, and then address underlying issues. We went to and practiced therapy. We solved some issues. We weren't looking at other options. We had many good moments that year. I can sleep at night knowing that she and I, deep down, are now incompatible despite both of us earnestly wishing that we could work out as a couple because we love each other. (:
I regret one of my earlier R attempts, where she momentarily wanted to make changes, but then dropped the notion within a week. I definitely made my share of mistakes in this process.
@Thornton, I just re-read about your 3rd breakup--crazy, so sudden! I get our different situations (ongoing issues vs. a sudden disappearance) could lead to us having different goalposts for reconciliation. When I left my XW, and when my XGF left me, the change was swift, but the issues were well-known. In your case, you had months of good karma built-up and future plans--then POOF over a couple of arguments.
For me, marriage is a life long commitment. And if/when I take those vows again, I will mean it when I say "til death do us part". I don't think I would sign up to get married if our vows said "for the next 8 years or until you decide there's greener grass on the other side of the fence".
I was speaking about our minimum bars for reconciliation/piecing. I want a lifelong partner, too! Fingers crossed for both of us to find success in that realm when we're ready. (:
So I agree with May that the WW does not have to beg the LBS for another chance but they do have to see the WW as a person of value, life with them is better then life alone or with someone else and they need to work to get them back. Without this he will likely walk again down the road.
I also agree that the WW does not have to be a sociopath. If the WW is not a sociopath then they typically have a lot of resentment built up and the affair is an act of anger. So if your husband is having affairs due to resentment then it is going to take a really long time to burn through it. Are you 180ing the areas that made him resentful?
I will also give you my opinion that your husband is not confused he’s scared. He wants to date other women but he’s afraid of the consequences if it doesn’t work out for him. Don’t confuse confused with fear.
Still think if you DB your butt off you have a chance. He’s got one foot out the door not two.
Again, until he feels like he has lost you and has made the worst mistake of his life, you are going to have to DB your a$$ off. He has to feel true remorse.
Your ring is a symbol to other men that you are taken. Some men will respect that. Others will see it as a challenge. Do you want other men giving you attention during this?
Whenever you have the urge to argue or state your point of view, STOP and validate his FEELINGS. Get this skill down NOW.
Memorize this line: "The LAST thing I need in my life now is ANOTHER man."
He is going to project his behavior on you. When he accuses you of cheating, you look him dead in the eyes and say that (emphasize the two words in bold). Then walk away.
GAL like a mad woman. Every chance you get, look your best, be gone and doing something fun and exciting. Do not share any details of you life with your husband. Deflection is your friend.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
