I'm going out. I'm not sure. With friends. You don't know them. I haven't decided.
"You sound upset. Is that how you feel?" "I am sorry you feel that way" "I understand you feel that way." "It must be hard to feel that way" "I agree. This is not working for me either" "I believe it is best if ......"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Okay so I apologize for taking so long to reply, last 2 days have been crazy and I am just now having some time to get on here to reply.
First I'll explain Yesterday, My H and I had a day together of swimming with friends. We had friends who live out of state and were in town for only a week come in and we had planned this outing for a few months. Even with everything going on we had decided to do it anyways as we Never get to see these friends. Honestly trip wasn't terrible but wasn't great either. We ended up locking keys in our car and had to get a tow person to come unlock it for us and while swimming we both felt a little odd as we didn't know how to act around eachother exactly pretty much. On the way home my H said how he just hadn't enjoyed spending time with me today, a bit later he did come to the conclusion it was more about the confusion with how to be around eachother and also the Key stuff really got to him. (He tends to let setbacks ruin his whole day alot) He wanted to talk so he started telling me some of the stuff that he doesn't like about me, and not as negatively as it sounds I swear. Even said multiple times he wasn't trying to hurt me just that he was trying to be honest about it. I sat in the car and listened, once he was done i took some time before i replied. The things he said he didn't like were all things that since reading DR I have been working on because they aren't who I am. Circumstances and insecurities over time have given me some toxic behaviors in which I have been working to change since GAL and working on myself. I told my H that I know I can't tell him I'm changing because the fact is unless you can truly see it over time, people just can't believe people change behaviors that have been exhibited for a long time just by them saying they will or are. I told him that over the last few months I have however taken a long hard look at myself and have realized things I dont like. And that I have chosen to work on myself to become the person I want to be. We discussed these issues in more detail and realized that when we had first gotten together what drew my H to be was my Independence and my active personality, etc, a lot had changed over time and I want to go back to that, except better and more grown of course.
Example of an issue, Sometimes I'll say something like "Man I'm amazing" and my H will tease "your okay" joking around and I will bug him until he says I'm Amazing. I always thought this was just me playing around with him. My H saw it differently he told me that he felt manipulated in these times, because this would happen then some days we would have an argument and I'd throw it in his face "well earlier you told me I was amazing so were you just lying" and he felt like I always did this just so I could have a weapon to throw at him earlier. Honestly I NEVER ever realized I did this, but when he told me about it, I sat there and thought about it, and after about 3 minutes I told my H "I'm so sorry that I ever did that to you, I never intended to do that or manipulate you but I did, and Im sorry" Because thinking back, I did do that, ALOT honestly. When I said this, My H was in shock, after a minute he said "Usually you are so defensive when I say this kind of thing to you and just get angry with me, I really appreciate that you really listened to what I had to say and that you apologized for it"
We talked about many things like this the hour car drive home, neither of us after degraded the other or raised our voices. Honestly it was the most calm, adult, mindful talk I believe we have had in probably a year at least, with no one ever getting mad or defensive. About an hour after we got home, I was making dinner and my H came up to me and hugged me then told me "Love, I haven't been talking to anybody else for a little over a week now, I would like to start putting our marriage back together" I was in shock, I can't remember my exact words but the gist of what I said was that I knew it took courage to say that and I know he's scared, because I was too. I told him how he had said this before and took it back minutes later, so I asked him to give a few days for him AND myself some time to think about it, because I wanted to make sure we were both sure and if we BOTH still felt this way in a few days then we can start talking about where we go from there and how we can start working on our M. He told me "I am completely sure that I want to work on this, but I will give you these days so we can both think about it, I Love you" I thanked him and that was that.
I don't want to put too much stock into this or get comfortable in a sense, I'm still going to focus of GAL either way and I'm not going to stop working on the steps.
Side note my H also put his ring back on, with no encouragment from me to do so, and also told me the password to his phone, I told him I didn't have to have it or look through it. He insisted I sit down with him and showed me his messages etc of when he had texted his EA that he was going to work it out with me and that he wasn't going to be talking to her anymore etc.
Also I want to make it clear, that I know that My H already being "truly" ready to work on things, is a low probability, which is why I am re reading everything I can about when a S may start saying this, and re reading Micheles books... also I order Love Must Be Tough and I'm waiting for it to come in. Thus why I am posting on here and asking advice on the best way to handle this Situation, I was not prepared for my H to say anything like this, this soon.
Believe nothing he says, and only half of what he does. If he truly is ready to work on things he will make it known over the course of the next few weeks with no doubts.
I find it hard to believe he went from a car ride where he told you a bunch of things he doesn't like about you, to an hour later wanting to work on the marriage. Turnarounds like that are unheard of and I think you are right not to trust it.
Further, the complaint about the "I am amazing" thing. Really? He felt manipulated by that playful little game? It sounds like he has some serious self-esteem issues and I would HIGHLY...HIGHLY recommend you make IC a requirement for him in order for you to agree to work on the marriage. Remember, if he truly wants to work on the marriage he will be willing to do just about anything you ask in order to do so.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't want to put too much stock into this or get comfortable in a sense, I'm still going to focus of GAL either way and I'm not going to stop working on the steps.
This is the smartest thing you can do right now.
Artemis, I know this is everything you have been waiting to hear from your H. I totally get it, my ex said the same thing to me every single time she came back to me. We would have a honeymoon period, affection, sex, time together etc. And she would leave and break my heart again. She did this 3x, and knew exactly what I needed to hear in order to open my heart again.
Help me understand something. You got to sit next to your cheater H on the drive home and listen as he told you all the things he doesn't like about you? Ummmm.... and you apologized?
Did you talk about all his gaslighting (which is what he was doing on this drive home btw), multiple affairs, lying and cheating ways? And did he apologize for those things and commit to working on them?
He hasn't spoken to OW in a week and now he loves you? Let me ask you something Artemis, what would you say to a friend in your exact same predicament if she told you her H said those words to her?
I know you don't like reading what I typing her Artemis, please know I'm only trying to protect you from being gutted all over again, because it is extremely likely. Like I said before, these things are very predictable.
Back to the basics, just like in the book, believe NOTHING he says. Especially a week removed from talking to OW.
Nothing angers me more then when a WW wants to play the dating game and then when things don't work out the way they thought just want to slide back into the marriage. Without serious work on his part he he's going to walk again down the line, because he really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.
Nothing angers me more then when a WW wants to play the dating game and then when things don't work out the way they thought just want to slide back into the marriage. Without serious work on his part he he's going to walk again down the line, because he really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.
I think Artemis is dealing with a WH.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Nothing angers me more then when a WW wants to play the dating game and then when things don't work out the way they thought just want to slide back into the marriage.
Agreed. Probably the most cruel thing someone can do to someone they once claimed to "love".
Nothing angers me more then when a WW wants to play the dating game and then when things don't work out the way they thought just want to slide back into the marriage.
Agreed. Probably the most cruel thing someone can do to someone they once claimed to "love".
