I did get to enjoy the kids over the past weekend. After a very hard week without seeing them for 10 days it was such a blessing to spend time with them. It made me realize how much they help me stay balanced, happy and healthy.
As I mentioned, I got to see them over the weekend for Saturday and Sunday and now I'm going another 7 days without them as my Ex scheduled her vacation with them for right after they got back from camp. Originally she was going to take them straight from camp to vacation but fortunately my daughter threw a fit and said she wanted to see me for the weekend. I don't how I would have gotten through a full 19 days without them.
In mid June I had a session with my counselor get canceled and I had let that drift. I met with him last week since I was struggling and though I'm still in a lot of emotional pain it was helpful. I've started journaling again to help and I'm trying to be a little easier on myself. What I mean by that is more open to the pain that I'm going through and just accepting that its going to take time, everyone's path is different, and I have to accept mine.
I just wish that it didn't hurt so much, and that my mind would move on. I'm not sure what kind of a timeline is fair for this kind of thing. She left in December. We're not actually divorced yet. I fought for this marriage since 2016 - so that was a solid 4+ year fight to try and save it. We as of this past June we were married 15 years. And we were together 7 years before we got married. In a lot of ways she was my best friend. So, maybe I'm expecting too much of myself in getting over her.
I just wish the impact on my mental and emotional well being wasn't so severe. Definitely dealing with some depression and an inability to focus on work - it seems meaningless.
In Michelle's book she talked about how us husband's often make our wives the purpose of our life, and I was in that group 110%. That's not healthy. And now I've got to figure out what my purpose is anew.
Scott, glad to see you back in IC. I truly believe that guys that made their wives the purpose of their lives suffer from PTSD after their wives up and leave them. So you have trauma to deal with and IC is one of the best tools for dealing with it.
I'm a little surprised you're still struggling with this to this degree, but everyone is different. Just keep working on you and you will get there. You will thrive again.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I was with my ex for almost 10 years and I also made her my purpose. I very much identified as a family guy, and she was my best friend as well.
It took me a long time to work past most of the pain (for me it was about 14 months and I still deal with some stuff from time to time), so don't beat yourself up. You are on the right path in regards to healing if you are allowing yourself to honor your feelings.
Time takes time, I promise that your depression will lessen, you just take one day at a time.
One thing that truly was a lifesaver for me is the gym. I would, and still do play really loud rock music and crush it in the gym. It's become therapy for me, and you'll feel your confidence grow when the sleeves on your shirts get tight. Give it a try.
Scott, wow, 19 days without seeing your kids would be terrible. I'm glad you got that weekend in!
Originally Posted by Scott
I met with him last week since I was struggling and though I'm still in a lot of emotional pain it was helpful. I've started journaling again.. I just wish the impact on my mental and emotional well being wasn't so severe. Definitely dealing with some depression and an inability to focus on work - it seems meaningless.
I think it's wonderful you're taking some time to face your grief head-on. The grief can linger if we distract ourselves and don't set aside time to deal with it. There's a thread in Surviving the Big D where, due to parental health issues, the LBS put processing their grief on hold and discovered it's still waiting years later. I similarly want to process some of my past trauma and leave more of it behind.
Originally Posted by Scott
In Michelle's book she talked about how us husband's often make our wives the purpose of our life, and I was in that group 110%.
Originally Posted by "Early Scott"
I'm angry though. And I'm kind of sick of putting my life on hold.. [I]ts exhausting to live this way. I feel like the giving tree.. [S]he was a stay at home mom for years and I made the mistake of expecting the home to be her job.. I put pressure on her for sex one night and she said no.. Then on Sunday night, she started to light me up..
I agree it's not healthy to live your life for someone else. It's even more problematic when we have covert expectations about what we'll get in return. The act of giving doesn't spark joy, rather resentment.
I did get to enjoy the kids over the past weekend. After a very hard week without seeing them for 10 days it was such a blessing to spend time with them. It made me realize how much they help me stay balanced, happy and healthy.
Scott, I know this is tough for you, it's been 10 years for me but I remember quite well how difficult it was being apart from my kids half the time. But here is the thing that I came to realize, my days of raising kids were numbered no matter what happened to my marriage. They don't stay kids forever, they grow into independent adults. The days of tickling them, giving them butterfly kisses, reading them stories and such are limited. Make the best of those times, but be mindful that you can't lose sight of who YOU are. You've got to pursue your own interests independent of your wife (current or future) and your kids. You have to have a compass that gives you direction outside of being a husband and father. And if you've already lost that compass, then you need to get it back.
So what does that look like, that "getting your compass back". Well it's a lot of what we preach here. It's getting out, GALing. It's finding things that YOU like to do, whether anyone else is interested or not. For me it was getting back into the hobbies I had set aside years before. Building and flying R/C planes, weight training, working on and riding motorcycles, building model cars, rekindling relationships with old friends. In addition I met new people through my hobbies and made new friends. I also picked up some new interests, ceramic sculpting in particular. The weeks I had the kids I was more focused than ever on making the most of that time. The weeks I didn't have them I dove into my GAL activities.
At first I was just going through the motions, but then I started liking it, then loving it, then it became my "new normal" and I wasn't sad anymore. I can't stress enough what a transformation this can make in you, I went from desperately trying to save my marriage at all costs and being miserable and depressed, and seeing nothing but negative karma everywhere I looked; to being content and happy and optimistic, and not even caring if my marriage made it or not. Now I am all for saving marriages if possible, but sometimes it's just not meant to be. And for me, the whole idea of DB'ing isn't necessarily to save your M, it's to put you into a position where you will succeed and be happy whether your M continues or not.
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I just wish that it didn't hurt so much, and that my mind would move on. I'm not sure what kind of a timeline is fair for this kind of thing.
It took me a year to finally start feeling like my life was under control again, and two years to get pretty well detached. But it will take you whatever it takes. One of the hardest parts about this is being patient with YOURSELF. You can't rush recovery from emotional trauma.
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In a lot of ways she was my best friend. So, maybe I'm expecting too much of myself in getting over her.
I don't think you're expecting too much, but you may be expecting it too soon. It takes time!
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I just wish the impact on my mental and emotional well being wasn't so severe.
It may very well be the most difficult thing you go through in your life. It was for me (at least to this point). But once you recover you'll look back and wonder why you struggled with it so much. Because you will find new happiness, maybe even so fulfilling that it'll make you wonder why you clung so hard to the old.
What AS said. Read it and reread it at least 5 times, slowly. Truer words have never been spoken. Every word resonated in me.
This June it has been 7 years since BD for me.
I to have been in the dumps, I too have risen from the ashes as a new man, and you, my friend, will rise again. Have faith in the process and know that everything that you are feeling is normal and it will not last. Happier days are ahead.
Work on yourself, spend time with the kids, love, laugh, live!
So I called my STBEx. I told asked her if she felt good about the current direction of our divorce. She asked what I meant. I said I still didn't want to get divorced. She began to cry. She said I caught her off guard. She said life is really hard for her right now and that the last week had been very hard.
Her dad continues to degrade because of his dementia, her mother has an unknown health ailment which she believes is cancer - she says the doctors don't know what it is - and her mom said that whatever it is she is not going to get treatment, she would just assume die. She said that my son is disrespecting her and she doesn't know what to do about it. She said her family is a mess, her marriage is ending, and she's overwhelmed. She also mentioned the deteriorating relationship with her sister. And so she just cried on the phone.
I tried to use the skills I've been working on. I tried to listen without providing any solutions and empathize. She said she couldn't make any decisions or really talk. I just mirrored back to her that losing her dad and now her mom possibly too had to be unbearable.
I do believe her mom is just trying to manipulate her and her sister and I'm betting the illness is made up. That woman is nearly a sociopath. She just seems to destroy everyone she gets her claws into.
As for my STBEx, we have what might be our last significant mediation session on Monday.
I feel bad, but knowing that she is doing a lot worse than I am, actually in a weird way made me feel better. Also, hearing in her voice that their might be a place to reconcile really made me think about whether or not that would make sense for me and I'm not sure.
When I have my kids I'm pretty happy. We have a lot of fun and we're building great memories. Its really low key and low stress. I hired an interior decorator and I'm redoing my house, which is kind of stressful and sad, but also a bit empowering and the kids seem to be kind of excited about it.
I was dating some but I'm pulling out of that scene. It just feels like more than I'd like to deal with. There are still good days and bad, but I've learned time with the kids gives me a lot of balance and happiness. The three of us make a good little family.
In talking with the STBEx, I do feel like I've healed a good bit and I've grown a good bit. She did not seem healthy or happy at all and really like a complete and utter shell of herself, which had started before we separated , but now seeemed so much worse.
The thing that causes me the most stress is definitely dealing with the attorney's as a part of the divorce, so Monday will be stressful. But from here we are back on a normal schedule with the kids; in two weeks I'm taking them on a fun 5 day vacation. My house will get painted inside in the next two weeks, I've got a new bed coming soon. So a lot is changing and a lot is going on.
Anyhow, just felt the need to do some writing today.
PS AS, I read your post a couple times over some dark days. It was good.
Oh boy Scotty B you really have a hard time listening. She file for divorce correct? If my count is correct you have now told her 3 times since YOU don�t want a divorce. To be blunt, she doesn�t give a [censored] what you want. You really need to stop making this about you. Then on top of that you are relishing in the fact that she�s going through a $hitty time right now and maybe losing her parents. Weak Scotty B. You are better then that especially if this is the woman you love.
If she changes her mind she will let you know. Until then you need to move on.
