97Hope Thank you again for your response!! So many things think think about! Honestly, complete honesty I have no idea where my head or heart really is? My anger is completely gone. Almost as if I don’t care anymore. I do not think I am in love with my husband anymore unfortunately. I’ve been standing for so long with the hope he would return but now I am so comfortable on my own that the idea of him returning isn’t exciting, it’s kind of scary. It’s so hard to explain. Him returning is what I thought I wanted all along. I just don’t know if I want him back. I didn’t want the person he was 6 months ago but I would consider trying to work with the person he was yesterday. Does any if they make any sense? I’m “trying” to come home. So with this when he left that day he had tears in his eyes and he had walked the halls of our home, drove all around our ranch, and he really focused. I gave small detail on this in 1st thread. He was in such low deep depression for months before this day. I hadn’t ask him if he was thinking of coming home and he certainly didn’t have to tell me that he was considering coming home. I’ve not had a R talk in years. He speaks and I listen but until that moment he had never said anything to the extent that he may want to come back. Since that day he stepped up without speaking of anything and is going out of his way to try to make things right. Serial cheater, really?? I’ve never thought of him that way exactly. I’ve only caught him once with anyone in 20 years. Once is too many tho! Not defending him because maybe I need to look that term up, he may be the criteria for it. The EA that I accused him of left her spouse a month before my H left. I just feel like it’s more. Although, in 3 years they’ve never been together and I think if he wanted her then he would be with her. I almost hate to admit I was wrong but that may be one that I have to. I had hired a PI for 3 months and found nothing on them. The EA actually had a new bf. Not that I plan to admit I was wrong on anything! I did read the lighthouse story again. It’s so comforting and beautiful. Each time I read it, I have a different view of it. The way that it’s explained is absolutely amazing! I’ve had a front row seat to the conflict I see within. That’s why I feel so strongly that this is change. The chaos is gone and has been for so long. The conflict is/was there throughout. The switch flipped and it was like he woke up one day and realized that he was wrong. It was like 6 weeks ago my H that didn’t know what happened, why it happened, what he wanted, and that blamed everything else in his life for what is wrong in his life (which was nothing) realized that he was the problem. Not only did he finally figure out that he was the problem but now it’s like he is wanting to make up for lost time. He doesn’t wanna miss a thing, going out of his way to make things right, and trying to mend all the broken fences. I’m trying to be w guiding light but it’s hard being a light into a world that your not sure you still want.
It's perfectly fine to not know what you want right now.
Your timing, not his. You have a lot of work to do on yourself that requires some serious consideration. If he wants to make things right - part of that is allowing you to heal on your own time, in your own way.
Re: serial cheater - maybe. You know of one affair in the past, and one when he left this time. I don't know what your line is. I think only you can answer that. I don't think EA's are only ever EA's - they are still a betrayal of trust. That's up to you. And you mentioned you believed that there might be but you aren't sure. Given that you hired a PI - it sounds like you know, but you can't prove it.
One of the biggest blessings I have from all of this is the ability to trust myself now. I hope you can trust yourself, too. If you know in your soul that it's right/wrong, I hope you are able to believe you. During times of great stress and anxiety, that can be so difficult.
Take one day at a time, don't rush, all will be well.
I hope you have some time to feel joy and enjoy the day!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
97Hope Such kind words of wisdom! This whole MLC reeks havoc in life for many years. Who even knows what right and wrong is? I am beginning to feel right individually and alone but the future is very sketchy to say the least. The EA is def a situation of distrust and betrayal. Although, this happened only 18 months after I had found out about the original affair. My head was still spinning from that and I was looking/punishing my H for anything and everything. I was in a bad place at this time and he was to. I believe this was the cause of the crisis. I never really forgave him for the first A and we were both in a really bad place. I was looking for anything because my trust was completely gone. I think when I began to accuse him of the EA he then realized that he realized he ruined things and no matter what he did he could never conceive me that he was trustworthy. He folded after that! He gave up. I do belive this is his fault but I do hold some blame to. I wanted my M and I wanted my H but I made him suffer for a long time. I should not have made him live in the misery. I told him I forgave him but I never really did. Our M has not been right for so long but I do think we both still love each other. We wouldn’t be here still trying to hang on if we didn’t. He is finally becoming a person that might could be a good H again and I am becoming a person who might become a good W again. Maybe, just maybe we will get an opportunity to move forward or find closure. My heart isn’t set on either. I pray and I hope God will guide us. Thank you soooo much for your words of wisdom! I hope you have a wonderful Sunday!
I was in a bad place at this time and he was to. I believe this was the cause of the crisis. I never really forgave him for the first A and we were both in a really bad place. I was looking for anything because my trust was completely gone. I think when I began to accuse him of the EA he then realized that he realized he ruined things and no matter what he did he could never conceive me that he was trustworthy. He folded after that! He gave up.
I'll caveat this by saying I've never been through an affair, but I have betrayed and been a betrayer, and I think you did nothing wrong and were in fact smart to begin again with zero trust. Trust is earned. Where you may have gone off the rails is assuming wrongdoing (instead of just verifying) and you say no matter what he did he had no path to ever convincing you he was trustworthy.
If you want to rekindle the relationship you must give them a path to a good place. Now, if you were just verifying, and he took that as assuming he was in the wrong--he may be gaslighting you. This is not uncommon with cheaters and so I enumerate that possibility for consideration. A huge blessing of these forums for me has been seeing reality from a less invested perspective.
There was an XGF I betrayed who I was trying to rekindle a friendship with. When she assumed the worst of me for a second time, some people suggested dropping her. I tried, "If you only see who I was and not who I am, I don’t want to be friends." Since then she's been more vulnerable and our friendship hasn't been particularly close but it has been kind, open, and low-drama.
Mr warrior thank you! I’ve heard about gaslighting but I’m not exactly familiar with the term. It seems as though you’ve given me two different angles. Have I mentioned the EA is still in the picture? They work together, he is her boss. When he left he said I had lost my mind. Maybe I had? He refused to fire her and said it was nothing more then friends and in time I would see that I was wrong. I haven’t spoken her name in 2 years. When he recently said that he had done nothing with anyone, it was in a moment of pity. He wasn’t trying to convince me there was no one else. He doesn’t answer to me and I do not ask. He was merely saying he lives a pathetic life that he is not proud of. I believe maybe by chance he was meaning that he has never moved on from me. Not saying he never would but more saying that he hasn’t made his choice on what he needed to do in that moment. It was after this reveal (if that’s what you call it) that he came through and started becoming more influencing in our lives and eager to be apart of our lives. He has not came through to mend a broken relationship in this moment I don’t feel like. I think he is merely working on himself. When he spoke of trying to come home it wasn’t for the sake of me or him either one….I think he is trying to heal himself. He isn’t ready to mend a M yet because he is still working within. The warning of him being still being in chaos is appreciated. That’s a guard that hasn’t been removed yet. The person he was the first two years was capable of anything but the person I am seeing now is the person that I use to know before the crisis. I forgot what that person looked like and it’s nice to see him. I’m not fooled that he may not be here to stay but he is welcomed for now. I have missed this person. He didn’t come back easily either! I’ve at least gotta give him the chance he didn’t receive when he left.
Navarro, proceed cautiously. There are a lot of WASs that end up sniffing back around for ulterior reasons. We have a saying around here: When he wants to reconcile, you will know. When he doesn't you will be confused.
So ask yourself, do you know? Or are you confused?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Mr Warrior! I will proceed cautiously. I don’t think I’m confused, I think uncertain. I think I’m looking for a problem (as I have been guilty in the past of to). It took him a long time to leave and I think it will take him time to return. I may be a fool but there’s something changing and it’s for the good. I think I’m going to have to let my guard down a little and try to allow it to happen. I may be the one standing in the way of my own future. I can be my own worst enemy sometimes and that may be one of the reasons I am where I am now. I didn’t believe in the man he was 2 or 3 years ago but I do believe in this man I am seeing in front of me today. I believe we are working together to a common goal. I’m not blind or naive to reality but I can’t always expect the worst because then my mind isn’t open to allowing it to move forward. We shall see tho…..I may be wrong but even if I am then I will be ok. Thank you so much for all the responses.
I expect too much too quick. You’ve really put things into perspective in that last message. His intentions are honest (finally). I’ve got to be better and I’ve got to be open minded to this. I’ve gotta be the one to except it instead of criticize and critic it. I’m looking for anything bad and he’s trying with everything he has. It’s me!!! I am my own worst enemy. Thank you warrior, thank you!!
I expect too much too quick. You’ve really put things into perspective in that last message. His intentions are honest (finally). I’ve got to be better and I’ve got to be open minded to this. I’ve gotta be the one to except it instead of criticize and critic it. I’m looking for anything bad and he’s trying with everything he has. It’s me!!! I am my own worst enemy. Thank you warrior, thank you!!
Why is he suddenly an innocent victim? Navarro, come on, you have a right to be skeptical. He should have to work at this. He has to be willing to move mountains to come back. If you let him waltz right back in you will be setting yourself up for BD#2. Make him work for it. If he is serious no obstacle will be too big.
I know you are worried about him giving up and going away. All LBS worry about that if they make R too difficult for their WAS. BUT, what are you showing him if he can do all of this, and then snap his fingers to come back? That it is okay what he did, he can do it again, and you will just have an open door for him to come back into your life despite what he has done. Make sure you have a list of requirements for R. Things like MC, IC for both of you, full transparency (you know where he is at all times (there are apps for this) and you have access to all of his accounts, email, social media, etc).
He has to earn his way back if there is any chance of a lasting R.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Why is he suddenly an innocent victim? Navarro, come on, you have a right to be skeptical. He should have to work at this. He has to be willing to move mountains to come back. If you let him waltz right back in you will be setting yourself up for BD#2. Make him work for it. If he is serious no obstacle will be too big.
I know you are worried about him giving up and going away. All LBS worry about that if they make R too difficult for their WAS. BUT, what are you showing him if he can do all of this, and then snap his fingers to come back? That it is okay what he did, he can do it again, and you will just have an open door for him to come back into your life despite what he has done. Make sure you have a list of requirements for R. Things like MC, IC for both of you, full transparency (you know where he is at all times (there are apps for this) and you have access to all of his accounts, email, social media, etc).
He has to earn his way back if there is any chance of a lasting R.
I'm with Steve here. Maybe read the posts again. It wasn't an admonishment to give him a free pass. It was more lighthouse than open door.
GAL. Notice. Pause. Breathe.
Leave him to his journey while you are on yours. Healing. It will come. But it will not come while you are watching his moves to determine your nexts steps. This is when it's time to do what's best for you, no matter what happens with him.
It might be just the way I'm reading your posts, but it doesn't appear that you are on an even emotional keel just yet. Find that place where you are ok no matter what and where what he does or doesn't do - does not affect you emotionally (detachment). That will take time.
If he truly wants to R - like Steve said, no obstacle will be too big. Look at all the effort and hard work it took to have the affairs. Don't let fear dictate your boundaries, or lack thereof.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
