Hey everyone. It’s been a while. For some reason I was having a difficult time getting on for a few weeks. Anyway I have my son this past week. Did a lot of fun things with him. It has been great. He is really starting g to come around to the baby (his half brother) he wants to be around him and love to play with him. It makes me so happy. Therapy with my d has been going ok. The therapist says she sees parental alienation. One thing my daughter said was that I picked my girlfriend over her. Something I will never understand. Honestly I don’t understand that point of view. My daughter just speaks so negatively about me, I try and just validate but sometimes I have to call out the lies. I just really miss my daughter. Hopefully this will help. My gf and I have our ups and downs, it’s tough she is just super over protective. I understand that this is her first but at times it’s too much. I am confused about something here. Since the baby has been born our relationship has gone by the waste side I’m not expecting for us to have hours together but a little time here and there. When I explain to her that we can’t forget about us, she tells me she is tired and she has to do stuff for the baby (wash sheets, wash bottles) again I understand that but when is there us time. It just hurts right now that she has no care about me right now. At night she sleeps at the edge of the bed with her back to me for the entire night. She says she needs to be able to hear the baby. I said what does facing the baby or facing me have to do with anything? She says she won’t be able to hear him? 🙄 I feel we are growing apart. Thanks for listening.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
For some reason I was having a difficult time getting on for a few weeks.
They upgraded the software. For about two weeks it was nearly impossible to log on!
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I am confused about something here. Since the baby has been born our relationship has gone by the waste side I’m not expecting for us to have hours together but a little time here and there. When I explain to her that we can’t forget about us, she tells me she is tired and she has to do stuff for the baby (wash sheets, wash bottles) again I understand that but when is there us time. It just hurts right now that she has no care about me right now. At night she sleeps at the edge of the bed with her back to me for the entire night. She says she needs to be able to hear the baby. I said what does facing the baby or facing me have to do with anything? She says she won’t be able to hear him? 🙄 I feel we are growing apart. Thanks for listening.
You don't sound confused. You two are growing apart. You two didn't seem so close before the pregnancy, so I might go out on a limb and say it temporarily brought you closer.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
When I explain to her that we can’t forget about us,
Maybe it's semantic, but I don't love "explaining" to her what "we" (she) CAN and CAN'T do. She's your equal and CAN absolutely choose to forget about you. I'd probably say, "I'm scared we're not getting much together time. I love you and that's important for me to feel connected." I imagine LH would say, "Time together is important. This isn't working for me." Both recognize she has choices and agency, as do you.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
she tells me she is tired and she has to do stuff for the baby (wash sheets, wash bottles) again I understand that but when is there us time.
Is there a fair labor division? E.g., while one of you is at work, I assume the other does this, but when you're both home a fair labor division is 50/50 on diapers, sheets, bottles, meals, baths, etc. If you want a happy partmer she needs r&r, too! (:
If she's as rested as you.. there's while the baby is napping, while the baby is happy, etc.
There's the possibility of a 2-hour sitter to allow going out for a romantic dinner? This could be in the backyard if she's not comfortable being too far away from the baby.
Find other ways to connect, e.g., gifts, acts of service, etc.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
It just hurts right now that she has no care about me right now.
I bet! It's a hard switch from lots of together time to very little together time.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
At night she sleeps at the edge of the bed with her back to me for the entire night. She says she needs to be able to hear the baby. I said what does facing the baby or facing me have to do with anything? She says she won’t be able to hear him?
Interesting. Well, being "right" or "wrong" gets you nowhere--it's okay for you to each have different perspectives on sleeping positions. Assuming you've addressed her being well enough rested, I would instead request a few minutes of whatever snuggling you need before bed. Be clear it's not about sex. You want to cuddle up and feel connected to the person you love. (:
Therapy with my d has been going ok. The therapist says she sees parental alienation. One thing my daughter said was that I picked my girlfriend over her. Something I will never understand. Honestly I don’t understand that point of view. My daughter just speaks so negatively about me, I try and just validate but sometimes I have to call out the lies. I just really miss my daughter. Hopefully this will help.
Believe it or not, her speaking negatively means you still have a shot. It's when they give up that you're toast. In the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Habit #5 is "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." See if you can hold off on "calling out her lies" (being understood) until you fully understand her opinion that you picked your GF over her. If you just can't get it, repeat what she told you, and ask the therapist for help. "I hear her that insisting that she meet GF was picking GF over D. I'm racking my brain, but I'm not always good at seeing other points of view. Can you help me?"
Hey C.W. We do share responsibilities. I change diapers bell bath him, watch him half the time. I am just tired of this. I help her with so much and it’s not enough. I am exhausted too. She is super over protective of the baby. It’s a long list that I will get into another time. C.W. How are you doing? I will have to go to your thread. Thanks for responding.
As far as my daughter I am just heart broken.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Hey Wolf. I see it similarly to CW… you two didn’t seem super close before. Likely the pregnancy brought you closer together, which is often the case, and having the baby has brought to the surface some of the issues in your relationship that you talked about before your son was born. The overprotectiveness should fade over time. There are also a lot of things going on in a woman’s body and brain following the birth that people don’t really realize unless they’ve been through it. Be patient and continue to focus on your relationship with your kids.
RE: your daughter. Perspective is everything. Spend 80% of your sessions listening…really listening. If she believes you chose your gf over her, really try to understand her view and validate it. Doesn’t mean you agree with her but it does mean that you care about how she feels. CW is on the money here…whether you are right or wrong is irrelevant.
Please start a new thread and link this one to it. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
