Picking Up the Pieces After WAW Goes Again #3

[Traveler]

I found CBT + Exposure super helpful in dealing with specific anxiety. Anxiety is irrational but can't be reasoned away. I only talked to my therapist for 30min once a month. I just kept going through the steps: (a) predicting how much many things would bother me, (b) tackling something that would bother me but not too much, (c) if I felt stuck, checking what negative thought pattern I was using. The 30min sessions basically helped keep me at right-level challenges, and sometimes break down the biggest challenges into more meaningful pieces. It's the best therapy I've ever done. If you can't force yourself to do something you know you want to or should do it could be helpful.

I found talk therapy was more helpful for complex topics. E.g., your attempts to demonize your STBXW would be effectively challenged and you'd gain more perspective. In my case, it helped me overcome *some* childhood trauma by reviewing the incidents with new eyes. Sometimes, a child believes they have more power over a situation than they actually do.

I have not found my ideal treatments for childhood trauma or basiphobia yet.

[smilie]

I found CBT + Exposure super helpful in dealing with specific anxiety. Anxiety is irrational but can't be reasoned away. I only talked to my therapist for 30min once a month. I just kept going through the steps: (a) predicting how much many things would bother me, (b) tackling something that would bother me but not too much, (c) if I felt stuck, checking what negative thought pattern I was using. The 30min sessions basically helped keep me at right-level challenges, and sometimes break down the biggest challenges into more meaningful pieces.

Ah brilliant, so not long sessions then or very frequent. So my CBT girl is on about me keeping a worry diary of things that I'm worried about. The thing is because it's the state (NHS), she has to go through certain questions before and after each session, these take about 10 mins, so I only get 20 mins. I don't get chance to do a worry diary too much, as I am working on them all at the same time as they need to be addressed at the same time. I'll see what she has to say tomorrow.

It's the best therapy I've ever done. If you can't force yourself to do something you know you want to or should do it could be helpful.

I've got plenty of those. I tend to see things from a more negative perspective if I can't get to do the things I want to do and they go on not being done for a long time. This is what has happened over the past couple of years waiting on my stbxw to be onboard with things - ends up in a loop of learned helplessness and I end up losing motivation. Things can be on the change soon hopefully

I found talk therapy was more helpful for complex topics. E.g., your attempts to demonize your STBXW would be effectively challenged and you'd gain more perspective. In my case, it helped me overcome *some* childhood trauma by reviewing the incidents with new eyes. Sometimes, a child believes they have more power over a situation than they actually do.

I've never usually found this type of therapy too useful but I do like talking about things that I stress about or have issues around. But nothing gets sorted. I think it needs to be a little of that and then more solutions focused.

I have not found my ideal treatments for childhood trauma or basiphobia yet.

Basiphobia - looked it up, how strange, are you tall then by any chance? Tall people as they are growing up tend to be self-conscious about being taller than their peers and tend to slouch to make themselves appear shorter than they would if they stood erect.

Anyway, you would probably be able to get that one out by finding a good NLP Practitioner who is very conversant with the "Fast Phobia Cure" (although you can't say cure now, so it's the "Fast Phobia Model"). You can get rid of a phobia in 5 minutes. Find somebody though who is also familiar with timeline therapy as they can then combine the two and get an even better result.

[smilie]

Just a quick update. Statements are in from the savings account. Money was starting to be removed each month from May 2019. So there's that then - 5 months after starting work at a new firm in the city, which I believe is a common theme for affairs?

[Traveler]

Hi Smilie,

Basiphobia is common. Many basiphobics mistakenly believe they have acrophobia. If standing next to the railing on a 3rd floor balcony freaks you out, you have acrophobia. If you’re only afraid when you’re walking along a ledge where there’s no rail and a chance of falling, you have basiphobia.

I’ve read many studies on acrophobia and basiphobia. Unfortunately, no 5-minute cures yet. If anyone discovers one they’ll be a wealthy woman or man.

Exposure therapy is slightly effective. The problem is exposures have to be similar. Climbing a rope, climbing a wall, and walking along an edge 30’ up are all different exposures.

Improving your balance is moderately effective. Basiphobia is more rational than other phobias. And yet, its consequence (shaking when in an exposed place) isn’t rational.

I will check out the Fast Phobia Model. I bet it has some useful wisdom. (:

[smilie]

Ok so the panic has set in - things are going wrong for me so much, yesterday it has gotten worse. I have a claim for maintenance from the stbxw going through the courts and waiting to hear. I am also waiting to hear about the house I arranged to rent.

I spoke with my lawyer yesterday about a letter she is writing to my stbxw lawyer as information still hasn't been provided for utilities online accounts. I'm not too sure about all of this at the moment and I asked that they are paid until the end of August as I have paid the rent here until then and my stbxw is also responsible for that, so it is only fair she pay the utilities seeing as they re in her name and she isn't giving the information so I can change things.

I mentioned to my lawyer that I have found an cheaper place to live, but it's in a different part of the country. She asked me how much the rent was and I said and I also mentioned that the only way I could secure the property was to offer a year rent up-front, as I haven't got an income and otherwise I would need financial referencing to be done and a guarantor - financial referencing would fail as I can't prove income and I don't have a guarantor. So the only way is to use some of my pension fund to pay the rent up-front.

She then told me that this would affect my claim for maintenance as the money wasn't coming out of income, but savings and that the only way to still have a claim is to pay the rent from income, which I can't do. The other option is to offer my stbxw an updated amount for maintenance (a lesser amount due to reduction in rent) and then have that agreement ordered by the court. The chances are that she would refuse this as she is claiming that she hasn't got any money left at the end of each month.

The thing is I will lose the house if I don't pay the rent up front, which means I will have to pay more rent here. Meanwhile my pension fund money is being used up with legal costs and moving costs. I can't seem to get moving on sorting out the house stuff as I don't know what's happening and I'm panicking really bad all of the time - I just can't seem to get a break. The more honest I am the more I get put in an impossible position.

I desperately need some help and there is none. Nobody will help me - nobody. Even my friend took something I said in a different way that it was meant yesterday and now he's annoyed. I only indicated that I've had enough as this is way too much for me and he took it that I was putting him under too much emotional strain and that I can't expect him to be there. So that's that then. He is on the autism spectrum and doesn't really like too regular contact and has always mentioned that he'll do what he can. This has really upset me as he has taken something in a totally different way that I can't even see.

I have 2 weeks to get everything sorted and I don't know what to do now. If I rent this new house then I lose my maintenance claim for rent (which seems mad) as it's not coming from income, if I lose this house then I can't afford to remain here as the rent is too high. Both way's my available pension fund gets smaller with lawyers costs, removal costs and rent up front. I feel like throwing the towel in here and that I'm up against something that I don't know.

What an awful feeling again and I thought it was getting better until that call with my lawyer yesterday. I thought they were supposed to help me, but she seems to be working against everything that I do. Even my state benefit payment is in question because of my pension money being triggered to come out by the stbxw. I'm really stitched up here.

I am panicking so much that I can't sleep or think properly and things seem to be getting worse for me. Quite frankly, I'm not sure how much of this I can handle anymore - it is way, way too much now. I have never before experience stress like this in my entire life and I have never before made decisions that are fair and make sense and effect only me, only to have them used against me by the person who is supposed to be fighting my corner - and with this condition I have, it's much worse.

I can't lose this house so will have to pay the rent up-front. There is only 3 days left to give notice on this place - otherwise I have to pay more rent, so I have no wiggle room at all.

What have I done to deserve all of this? What have I done in my life that fate/karma is dealing this awful hand? All I have done in my life is be ok towards others and help them when I can. Now I'm alone with this illness and stress, with nobody to help me and the world working against every decisions I make.

This truly is an awful life I am living. A nightmare beyond that which I could imagine.

[SteveLW]

smilie, not going to lie. This latest update is disturbing to me. I sincerely hope that you can find therapy somehow someway. This last post seems desperate and hopeless. Two very scary things in terms of mental health. I urge you to reach out to a crisis line even, because I fear the path that this kind of thinking can lead you down. Please, seek help. This latest post screams out for more than this forum can provide to you.

[wayfarer]

Ok well that's a lot. And clearly you're not doing ok. So let's take this one step at a time. Currently you have a place to be warm and dry. You have food if you get hungry. Assess the things around you. Are you safe, are comfortable, is your body in tact? If the answer is yes, hooray! You're alive and mostly well. Take a few deep breaths. Slow your breathing down, and try to slow your mind.

I need you to understand that things could truly be worse. You could be homeless, you could be ailing, you could be starving. But right now for the most part, you are ok. Not great. Not wonderful but ok. And ok is all that's necessary. Now that's not to negate how you feel. How you feel is valid but valid feelings don't mean they are the truth. Smilie, you're being incredibly fatalistic over some pretty standard stuff that happens with divorce and having to deal with government allowances. From what I read, your lawyer isn't against you. She is telling you exactly what will happen given the choices you have in front of you. That's her job. You pay the year up front for rent and you ask stbxw for less in maintenance. Which sure she could refuse, but here that's what the court is for. I'm not sure how different that is over there. As far as I know your wife can refuse all she wants but it's ultimately up to the court just the way it is here. All of us who've been divorced had to eat some sh!t sandwiches in the agreement to get it over with. And it was a money suck for all of us too. This is all normal. Is it fun? NOPE. But it is normal and to be expected.

2 weeks is a lot of time. Your whole life can change in 2 weeks. Your whole life can change over night. We know this. You have 2 weeks to weigh your options and make some executive decisions. You don't need to change your glass half empty view on life and trade it in for some toxic positivity, but you do need to stop smashing the glasses to bits simply because you think they're half empty not half full. Make the decision that puts a roof over your head and stops the money bleed sooner than later. What ever that is. Talk to your lawyer again and ask for clarification and details if you can't understand what she means and the likelihood of you winning if your stbxw contests things. If you truly believe this lawyer doesn't have your best interests in mind find a new one. But I really do think you're misinterpreting things in the same way your friend misinterpreted you.

Also you need talk therapy. Like a month ago. CBT is great but there are online programs you can work with. Ask your physician if there's one through NHS or one they recommend. The health care system I work with here had me on online CBT for my depression concurrently with talk therapy so I could afford to do both. You need a person face to face who can hear what you're saying and validate you or give you a new perspective. They also offer up tools to manage symptoms and on way to communicate better. Not only sharing but also receiving information. I truly think you'd benefit greatly from having someone to simply talk to who can offer you some comfort and some tools.

Smilie, I understand that this all seems very hard, and like it's too much, but you have to understand and believe this is all temporary. And you didn't do anything to deserve this but this is what your life is right now and your only choices here are to lay down and let this situation and stbxw just happen to you or you can stand up and take control of what little you have complete control of here which is yourself and your future. None of this is going to be easy, or quick. You have to accept the reality of the situation before you and accept that while it's a hard road to travel you will reach the other side. You aren't alone. And this isn't the worst thing that has or will happen to you. This is one of many obstacles you've already traversed. Just slow down. You got this.

[Thornton]

Hey Smilie,

I don't have any advice pertaining to your specific problem.

However, I can tell you this. There have been a few times in my life that I could not see a way out. I literally had no options and my life felt like it was crumbling around me. I've been in very, very dark and scary places in my life before. And every single time, somehow, some way, a path revealed itself, often at the very last moment.

Like Steve suggests, make calls, ask for help, and don't give up. I promise things will get better if you can just ride out this storm.

I'm not sure if you are religious, but I often sought comfort in the church. Speaking to a preacher is free, and they can often point you in a direction to get help.

You have the strength to get through this, I promise you.

[wayfarer]

smilie, not going to lie. This latest update is disturbing to me. I sincerely hope that you can find therapy somehow someway. This last post seems desperate and hopeless. Two very scary things in terms of mental health. I urge you to reach out to a crisis line even, because I fear the path that this kind of thinking can lead you down. Please, seek help. This latest post screams out for more than this forum can provide to you.

I also second this.

[MrBrside]

Smilie,

which county of the Uk are you ?

If you are not the other side of the country, im happy to spend a few hours going over options logically one evening. You sound like you are in a bad place, so would happily assist if i can.