I thought I'd come here to more or less journal today and let go of some stuff. I do some business with my in-laws and I've expected them to pull that from me at some point - it just makes sense. I wouldn't want to have business with my former son in law.
Anyhow, I got a call from a competitor - which was nice of him to call to a degree - letting me know that he was going to be taking over the business. He let me know that my in laws didn't feel comfortable working with me and didn't feel comfortable even calling me to have the discussion. He also recommended that I call them and leave a message to let them know there were no hard feelings. I thought that was a good idea and so that's what I did.
I knew it was coming, but its just another reality hit. These things stir up pain. I imagine that is simply going to be the way it is for the rest of my life, but it will probably be less and less as time goes by.
Counseling continues to be helpful for me to process my feelings and to try and make sense of something that doesn't make sense to me.
My last session the counselor helped me see that in the marriage I had accepted certain behaviors too long, which was not healthy for me or for my ex. He made the comment that the vision I had for my marriage represented my fantasy or my ideal and that I need to continue to work to accept that it doesn't exist either. And then the big one is that I shared with him that my mind just keeps going around in circles asking What I did wrong. His point on that one was that I didn't do anything wrong. This wasn't about me.
I know that is true but it is so hard for me to accept. I just constantly wonder, what could I have done differently, but at the end of the day, This wasn't about me and I need to accept that.
I'll continue to work at that - it will take time.
I can certainly relate to your questioning of what you did wrong. I struggled with that for a really long time as well.
While you certainly played a part in the demise of your marriage, you were willing to work to resolve the issues. Your STBXW wasn't, and that's where it becomes her issue.
Ruminating on what you could have done differently only serves to keep you imprisoned. Certainly learn from your mistakes so you don't repeat but also realize you are imperfect, always will be.
Sometimes you can be the perfect partner for someone, and they will still find a reason to leave.
Anyhow, I got a call from a competitor - which was nice of him to call to a degree - letting me know that he was going to be taking over the business. He let me know that my in laws didn't feel comfortable working with me and didn't feel comfortable even calling me to have the discussion. He also recommended that I call them and leave a message to let them know there were no hard feelings.
Very adult and business like. Good job Scotty B.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I knew it was coming, but its just another reality hit. These things stir up pain. I imagine that is simply going to be the way it is for the rest of my life, but it will probably be less and less as time goes by.
Yep. This may be permanent but will get less and less. I recently saw at Ex at a wedding and didn't feel much.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Counseling continues to be helpful for me to process my feelings and to try and make sense of something that doesn't make sense to me.
Counseling will help in this matter.
Originally Posted by ScottB
My last session the counselor helped me see that in the marriage I had accepted certain behaviors too long, which was not healthy for me or for my ex.
This is very true but on the flip side your ex most likely did the same.
Originally Posted by ScottB
He made the comment that the vision I had for my marriage represented my fantasy or my ideal and that I need to continue to work to accept that it doesn't exist either.
Your counselor gave you great advice here. Number 1 reason there is so much suffering on this board. Everyone here is in love with a fantasy that doesn't exist.
Originally Posted by ScottB
And then the big one is that I shared with him that my mind just keeps going around in circles asking What I did wrong. His point on that one was that I didn't do anything wrong. This wasn't about me.
Your counselor is doing you a big disservice here Scotty B. You played a role in the break down in the marriage. It's concerning to me that you don't see and accept it.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I know that is true but it is so hard for me to accept. I just constantly wonder, what could I have done differently, but at the end of the day, This wasn't about me and I need to accept that.
Probably nothing. Your STBXW has never been faithful to you and was bound to stray again.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'll continue to work at that - it will take time.
Thorton - I completely agree that I'm imperfect - I try hard, but no one is perfect. The key, I believe, is to accept and love the parts of someone that aren't perfect. That's what love is about. Otherwise, what's it worth? Its easy to love something that's perfect. And therefore I'm not sure that love is worth all that much. I don't know.
LH Quote "Everyone here is in love with a fantasy that doesn't exist." So very true.
And then the big one is that I shared with him that my mind just keeps going around in circles asking What I did wrong. His point on that one was that I didn't do anything wrong. This wasn't about me.
I know that is true but it is so hard for me to accept. I just constantly wonder, what could I have done differently, but at the end of the day, This wasn't about me and I need to accept that.
I'll continue to work at that - it will take time.
Scott, my guess is that you are at least a little like me, a bit of a control freak. You like to be in control of the things around you and that affect you. I struggled with the "what could I do different" thing to. But the answer to that wasn't the answer to the impending end of my marriage. I believe there are things we can do, and things we shouldn't do, after BD, but none of that guarantees an outcome either way. The hardest thing for the LBS to come to grips with is that they have no control over what the WAS decides. Either the WAS will decide to stay or they will decide to go. That is why the advice is to remove the focus from them and put it on yourself.
I understand the struggle but your IC (sounds like you have a good one!) is right, it wasn't about you. It was about her. And nothing you said or did was going to make her change her mind.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I knew it was coming, but its just another reality hit. These things stir up pain. I imagine that is simply going to be the way it is for the rest of my life, but it will probably be less and less as time goes by.
I completely empathize with the "reality hits". I'm getting the same myself occasionally. However, I do believe those will dissipate over time.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Counseling continues to be helpful for me to process my feelings and to try and make sense of something that doesn't make sense to me.
That's great. Any tips on processing anger? lol
Originally Posted by ScottB
My last session the counselor helped me see that in the marriage I had accepted certain behaviors too long, which was not healthy for me or for my ex. He made the comment that the vision I had for my marriage represented my fantasy or my ideal and that I need to continue to work to accept that it doesn't exist either.
I think this is the case. We all accepted behaviors for too long which we should've addressed earlier. Hindsight is 20/20. Now we'll know better and hopefully address those in the future.
Originally Posted by Thornton
I can certainly relate to your questioning of what you did wrong. I struggled with that for a really long time as well.
While you certainly played a part in the demise of your marriage, you were willing to work to resolve the issues. Your STBXW wasn't, and that's where it becomes her issue.
Ruminating on what you could have done differently only serves to keep you imprisoned. Certainly learn from your mistakes so you don't repeat but also realize you are imperfect, always will be.
Sometimes you can be the perfect partner for someone, and they will still find a reason to leave.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by ScottB
And then the big one is that I shared with him that my mind just keeps going around in circles asking What I did wrong. His point on that one was that I didn't do anything wrong. This wasn't about me.
Your counselor is doing you a big disservice here Scotty B. You played a role in the break down in the marriage. It's concerning to me that you don't see and accept it.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I know that is true but it is so hard for me to accept. I just constantly wonder, what could I have done differently, but at the end of the day, This wasn't about me and I need to accept that.
Probably nothing. Your STBXW has never been faithful to you and was bound to stray again.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I understand the struggle but your IC (sounds like you have a good one!) is right, it wasn't about you. It was about her. And nothing you said or did was going to make her change her mind.
I wanted to chime in on the discussion of responsibility and reflection on what the LBS did wrong, and the comments from Thornton, LH19, and SteveLW...
To me there's a difference between "not doing anything wrong", which is never the case because no one is perfect, and "not being the one ultimately responsible" (I.e., "it's not about you"). In my mind it's very important to separate these two in the discussion.
In regards to the former we have all made mistakes, acted poorly, could've handled situations differently. This is the case for both the LBSs and the WAWs! To that point, it's healthy to reflect on where you could've done better, work on self improvement, and correct those behaviors in the future. That process will make you a better man.
However, in regards to the latter, unless you had major issues (physical abuse, drug addiction, gambling problems...etc.) there's a good chance that ultimately it is not "about you" and your ExW has deeper issues preventing her from being willing to work on the issues, leading her to an affair to get the quick fix of feeling better about herself, and putting a band aid on her pain. I've heard the "it's not about you" from IC, family, and others on this board and while it's something I go back and forth on at times, ultimately I think they're right.
Point is...YES, absolutely reflect on how you can do better in the future, but NO, do not let the "what could I have done better / how could I have fixed this" allow you to put the full burden of the divorce on your back. Thornton, LH, and SteveLW are right when they say 1) you were willing to work on marriage whereas she was not, 2) it's possible (even likely) that is is about her and not you, and 3) she could've strayed even if you were the perfect husband.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Sure, this is how I try to do it. Write it out. I think journaling your feelings is a good way to work to release them. I think meditation or prayer (I practice centering prayer) can be a good way to work through it. Emotions make us want to move to action - so going for a walk, working out, something that involves movement can be helpful.
I recently ran across the poetry book "the truth of you" by iain s. thomas which has been a very nice companion on my journey. So I'll read and journal - focusing on feeling my emotions instead of stuffing them away. My hope is that let's me move through things in a healthy way, though sometimes they will overwhelm me.
I'll also try to work on presence - being present to the moment. Stopping to smell flowers or the rain, noticing the clouds and the sun. I read a paper by some college profs on happiness and so I use their tips to help me.
Originally Posted by BL42
To me there's a difference between "not doing anything wrong", ... and "not being the one ultimately responsible" (I.e., "it's not about you"). In my mind it's very important to separate these two in the discussion.
In regards to the former we have all made mistakes, acted poorly, could've handled situations differently...
However, in regards to the latter, unless you had major issues (physical abuse, drug addiction, gambling problems...etc.) there's a good chance that ultimately it is not "about you" and your ExW has deeper issues preventing her from being willing to work on the issues, leading her to an affair to get the quick fix of feeling better about herself, and putting a band aid on her pain. I've heard the "it's not about you" from ... others ... and while it's something I go back and forth on at times, ultimately I think they're right.
Point is...YES, absolutely reflect on how you can do better in the future, but NO, do not let the "what could I have done better / how could I have fixed this" allow you to put the full burden of the divorce on your back. Thornton, LH, and SteveLW are right when they say 1) you were willing to work on marriage whereas she was not, 2) it's possible (even likely) that is is about her and not you, and 3) she could've strayed even if you were the perfect husband.
All true. I really like the way you differentiated between these two concepts. Words are important and I think your word choice more clearly illustrates what I was trying to say. Thank you.
