Well it seems my spidey sense was right, he met her last year sometime, the earliest date I can see him contacting her is Dec 22,2020. Thats based on the current phone number i have of the OW. I am making no assumptions that this is the actual date of first contact because who knows if she didn't get a new number or whatever. BD was mid Jan, 2021
So he has been having an affair, lying to me the whole time, even when I would ask point blank during those times he said he wanted to try about the extent of his involvement with her. He always said he never slept with her but I call BS.
Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately it was very likely there was more to it than he admitted.
Originally Posted by Michka
Now heres where I may need the 2x4... I want to call her. I want the details, I want to know how long its been, how they met, if they slept together. What her intentions were.
So do I or do I let it all go.
The problem with contacting her is that A) she could very well lie about it just as much as he did. She has no incentive to be honest, so how do you really know what she says is true? And B) it could be a catalyst for the two of them to get back in touch with each other. She will almost certainly reach out and tell him, and he'll likely get angry with you and say you betrayed him (ironic, right?).
My understanding is you believe they ended it and aren't in contact at the moment. If that's true i say don't confront. If they are still in contact though, it might make sense to disrupt things.
I'm no expert though...others may have better advice.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Do not contact her. Think through the possible outcomes and be honest with yourself if any of them seem useful.
I'm doing ok in the lockdown thanks for asking, I can still go to work now which is a big help and my S4 is still able to go to daycare. I also don't live near the main areas of outbreak. I'm glad you have regular help.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
So full disclosure, I don't know if you read through my sitch or not but I did contact OW. And OW did contact me. I'm not particularly detailed about it because: it wasn't exactly one my finer moments, it happened before I started reading DB or participating on this board, also my sitch was a little different than others in that I knew what was happening literally as it was unfolding. I knew what was happening before even my H did, so my contact with OW was before things went completely off the rails, before it was PA, before H had decided he was going to leave me for her. Other reasoning on why I didn't share much being: OW lived relatively close to us, OW was a friend of the family (my H's family) and was always kind of on the outskirts of our lives together, there but not there until she wasn't so my ability to contact her was easy even if I didn't figure out her phone number. Also, OW had a long term live in BF that I and H were very aware of and I had multiple ways to contact him as well as it's a small world even in a mid sized city. Lastly, it is strongly recommended by MWD in her infidelity stuff and this board to under no circumstances contact the AP.
I will strongly, strongly suggest you follow that advice. This late in the game it will do you no good. You won't get the closure you seek. You won't get the answers you seek. You won't get any satisfaction from the interaction at all. Much like R convos with a WS/WAS this will absolutely not go the way you want it to, and it will definitely not go in your favor. OW has absolutely no incentive to tell you the truth. She has zero reason to be reasonable in the event of actually accepting your call. And if you keep getting her voice mail or something and repeatedly call her she could file a harassment charge on you.
As I've told you it's your H's job to clear these things up for you. If there is to be a R he will have to come clean. If you don't, well you're going to have to live with his story or the story you're creating with the facts you have. No one gets clarity or the closure they really want. Even those who do R because at some point you have to stop talking about it. And my personal opinion being a WW in my first MR and an LBS in my second is that you don't want all the information that you think you do. Go back and look through may22's thread from like a year-year and half ago. Her H could literally not stop barraging her with info about the affair once the truth about it was out there. It takes a toll on your psyche. That is not your burden to bear and as much as you think you want ALL the answers, trust me my friend you don't.
Ugh - Need to vent again or potentially get a 2x4...
So something just didn't feel right after reading those emails from the AP. I also kept thinking about how he was accusing me of an affair early on after BD. Also everyone here seemed to have experienced finding the AP was happening for a lot longer/more in depth then originally thought.
I thought the emails originally correlated with the dates he told me, but I then thought he could have been just as easily deleting stuff as he went along?
I know snooping is like revenge, its hurts both parties, but I chose to go ahead to do it because I needed to know. I needed to know the truth and then base my decision off that, not off his feelings/waffling which changes weekly.
So i got access to the phone bills (originally didn't have access because it was a business account but I changed the settings over the phone and the fool I spoke to didn't ask too many questions)
Well it seems my spidey sense was right, he met her last year sometime, the earliest date I can see him contacting her is Dec 22,2020. Thats based on the current phone number i have of the OW. I am making no assumptions that this is the actual date of first contact because who knows if she didn't get a new number or whatever. BD was mid Jan, 2021
So he has been having an affair, lying to me the whole time, even when I would ask point blank during those times he said he wanted to try about the extent of his involvement with her. He always said he never slept with her but I call BS.
Now heres where I may need the 2x4... I want to call her. I want the details, I want to know how long its been, how they met, if they slept together. What her intentions were.
So do I or do I let it all go.
First, what does any of this change? What will getting more details change?
LBSs are notorious for chasing rainbows. I did it. "If I only knew what was said between them!" But after I would find out I felt worse, and it changed NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, I should be doing.
Second, how would a properly detached person behave? Snooping? Calling the AP? etc.
Third, if you contact her, she will lie. You cannot believe a word that comes out of her mouth so why even inquire from her what her intentions are. You will never know for sure.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This might not be a popular opinion, but I view the OW/AP as gum on my shoe.
I don't engage with it. I scrape it off, clean it, and walk on.
I don't have conversations, or look for the truth from gum on my shoe.
I don't spend my time wondering how long the gum was on my shoe, or why it picked my shoe.
It's gum on my shoe. It adds nothing of value to my life. It is a nuisance unless I make it a central focus.
So...my opinion is...do NOT call them. They have nothing of value to add to your life and they lie and cheat. Last person you would want to count on for truth, or really anything.
They are not on your level. Leave them there, and stay on yours.
I'm so sorry you have had this revelation, but now you know.
At some point you have to decide, when is it enough? He has had an AP, will details change anything about that? As soon as you know 'enough', you have to fight the urge to dig deeper. If your L needs more info, they have people that can take care of that.
Now is the time for healing. A wound won't begin to heal until you let it.
x
Last edited by 97Hope; 08/11/2105:15 PM.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
This community has been amazing and such a source of strength for me.
BL24, Only Bent, WF, SteveLW and 97 Hope I apologise in advance but I went ahead and TM anyway before any of you got a chance to give me your 2x4s and advice.
I did think about it, I really did and the sole reason I finally decided to reach out despite my original need to want all the facts was because I just wanted them to know that I know. I knew there was nothing else I could potentially get out of it because let's face why would anyone want to be honest about this?
I was very polite when I tm'ed- WF because I already thought of them trying to use this against me in some way...she seemed willing to chat at first. We even scheduled a time for the following day. But then she did let H know who promptly told me she has been "instructed" not to communicate with me. So I have left it.
The irony being my H did pull the "I cant believe you went through my stuff" line with me. Made me a laugh considering everything that has been discussed here recently.
I suspected that despite last week's "breakup" that they reconciled previous to this based on his actions over the weekend and if he is waffling with me, Im guessing he is doing the same with her, again the emails I found indicated H had been on and off with her before. So its not like I was the catalyst for their reunion if that is indeed what happened. Nor do I care.
I have asked my L to initiate the property settlement, in aust talk that means seperation of assets. That is not a divorce, if thats what he wants he can apply for it. But given everything especially his gambling I think it's prudent I take action to protect myself.
He has been banned from sleeping over here or spending any amount of extended time and because of lockdown I had already stopped the kids going over his apartment because he was in a high risk area. I still wont allow it. He has been taking the kids to nearby parks for the past three days.
I also wont allow him to talk to me unless its via email or TM.
In terms of any reconciliation attempts... well all he has given me so far is BS. So I have decided Im just not going to think about it. I don't care. Right now I feel like to heal I need to be angry Michka who takes charge and control. This is something I have been really fighting with all year because we have always clashed over this. Previously when I have wanted to menu plan, budget, create any sort of schedule so we can both have time to ourselves and get stuff done or just pay off the mortgage before I die - he has either resisted or just simply disengaged.Even when I was trying to "fix" this pre discovering MWD, in theory he agreed, he just never followed through. He has always stated we are both alphas and thats why we clash. I think with hindsight I can simply see he was just selfish and entitled and resisted anything that would make him do work or sacrifice. This attitude is what I believe led to all this.
I feel better, I feel almost free. I think one of the biggest things to come from all this is earlier on we had an incident which led me to calling the police and he was charged as a result. He kept going on and on about how I broke him that day, I betrayed his trust, how I caused so many issues as a result... well the irony being he was claiming that day "I" was having an affair and thats what led to the whole mess. I lost so many nights of sleep over that day, wondering if i made the right choice, if i ruined any chances of us being together. Well now I feel nothing. His actions caused that day and the whole chain of events, he can deal with the consequences.
Agree with the others. Do not contact the OW. You have zero guarantee you'll find out anything true. And if you do-- like WF said, there is harm in knowing too much. I wish I knew waaaaay less about my H's affair and how he felt about her. I really wish I could scrub my brain of a lot of it. It sticks with you.
Also, as $hitty of a human being as the OW is for engaging in an A with your H-- your H is really the one you should be worried about. What do you know now? He's a liar and a cheater. You need to really, truly accept this. Maybe he won't always be this person, but this is who he's been and this is who he is right now. What can talking to the OW tell you that matters more than these basic truths? I'd spend some time here, if I were you. Just sitting with this knowledge and thinking about what it means for you and what you want to do going forward. I think it can be helpful in detaching for sure. (It helped me.)
I really really really wanted to contact my H's AP. I did not. I did, however, write tons of letters to her that I never sent, but it helped to get them off my chest. (Full disclosure-- I *still* want to write her or call her or have my H write her, and tell her that he never really loved her and she was a horrible mistake. I know this is not mature or sensible of me, and therefore am not pursuing this avenue. But just to say I totally get the impulse.)
What can you do for yourself, today? I know this is a big hurtful thing to find out and probably once you get through your adrenaline rush of anger and wanting to call the OW, you're going to crash and a lot of feelings will probably hit you. Let yourself be angry and grieve. You deserve it.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Agree with the others. Do not contact the OW. You have zero guarantee you'll find out anything true. And if you do-- like WF said, there is harm in knowing too much. I wish I knew waaaaay less about my H's affair and how he felt about her. I really wish I could scrub my brain of a lot of it. It sticks with you.
Also, as $hitty of a human being as the OW is for engaging in an A with your H-- your H is really the one you should be worried about. What do you know now? He's a liar and a cheater. You need to really, truly accept this. Maybe he won't always be this person, but this is who he's been and this is who he is right now. What can talking to the OW tell you that matters more than these basic truths? I'd spend some time here, if I were you. Just sitting with this knowledge and thinking about what it means for you and what you want to do going forward. I think it can be helpful in detaching for sure. (It helped me.)
I really really really wanted to contact my H's AP. I did not. I did, however, write tons of letters to her that I never sent, but it helped to get them off my chest. (Full disclosure-- I *still* want to write her or call her or have my H write her, and tell her that he never really loved her and she was a horrible mistake. I know this is not mature or sensible of me, and therefore am not pursuing this avenue. But just to say I totally get the impulse.)
What can you do for yourself, today? I know this is a big hurtful thing to find out and probably once you get through your adrenaline rush of anger and wanting to call the OW, you're going to crash and a lot of feelings will probably hit you. Let yourself be angry and grieve. You deserve it.
May22 - thankyou for your input. I already did it (read my previous post, it seems you and I were posting at the same time)
I must say I am concerned I will crash. Because I cant really afford to right now. I dont have any real emotional support except for IC.
I feel better, I feel almost free. I think one of the biggest things to come from all this is earlier on we had an incident which led me to calling the police and he was charged as a result. He kept going on and on about how I broke him that day, I betrayed his trust, how I caused so many issues as a result... well the irony being he was claiming that day "I" was having an affair and thats what led to the whole mess. I lost so many nights of sleep over that day, wondering if i made the right choice, if i ruined any chances of us being together. Well now I feel nothing. His actions caused that day and the whole chain of events, he can deal with the consequences.
This is concerning. I would highly suggest a restraining order against him. And now I am down the path of what are you trying to save here? Think about that? He is a lying cheater, and an abuser. I know it is hard, but I am beginning to think the right thing to do here is to walk-away and never look back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW all that has been taken care of when he was charged. Its slightly different in aus but essentially all that legal protective stuff was already in place.
What am I trying to save? Thats the part I don't want to think about.
This week has been so trying, the kids are really feeling his absence as literally just last week he was spending most of his time here, sleeping over and things were really looking up.
My eldest (S8) is struggling and really misses his dad. The middle one (s6) is I think a bit too young to fathom any difference and the baby just wants me so it dosen't matter right now.
I know what you mean SteveLW, if someone else was in my position I would be saying the exact same thing.
