It's all good - just dealing with a ton of work stuff. Because I needed more stress in my life! lol.
Originally Posted by LH19
So before you disappeared for awhile you were never going to the apartment and you caved. So I’m concerned you will cave again due to your anxiety.
Should've clarified - going back to the apartment was 100% my idea. I was originally looking for a place to go to just GTFO and take a long hard look at things. It didn't make sense to pay for a place when I already had one that could serve that purpose. It was while I was there that I was able to really come to the conclusion to move on. I haven't gone back since and ended the least at the end of the month. She's looking for a place now because she says our house it too big for her to manage. That surprised me because her family gave us the $ for the down payment, I was assuming she'd keep the house.
Things have settled down between us for the most part. She did come over yesterday and helped with some backyard projects we had started and need to be finished. She made numerous comments on how good I look and in the past I would look at those as being good signs, and now I find that I am ambivalent when I hear them. She's pushed my boundaries a few times and I've pushed right back, and to my surprise she "seems" to be accepting them.
I leave on Friday for an 8-day trip by myself to go hiking, fishing, kayaking, etc. and can not wait!
[quote=LH19]She made numerous comments on how good I look and in the past I would look at those as being good signs, and now I find that I am ambivalent when I hear them.
SaltyDog, one of the best learnings a LBS can learn is that words are just words. And meaningless without action behind them! Good job on staying ambivalent. That shows that your detachment is well on its way.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She made numerous comments on how good I look and in the past I would look at those as being good signs, and now I find that I am ambivalent when I hear them.
It's great you're no longer overanalyzing her meanings. "You look great"--it's okay to feel ambivalent today, validated your workouts are bearing fruit tomorrow, and sad it's not enough to rekindle the relationship this weekend. I agree not overanalyzing is a sign you're making progress on detaching.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
She's pushed my boundaries a few times and I've pushed right back, and to my surprise she "seems" to be accepting them.
Sticking to boundaries--wonderful! "You: I won't be talked to that way on the phone. Her: Well, you're a monkey's--CLICK." Boundaries don't attempt to influence others, so it's also fine if she doesn't accept them. Keep setting healthy boundaries (which control you and your behavior) and reap the rewards.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
I leave on Friday for an 8-day trip by myself to go hiking, fishing, kayaking, etc. and can not wait!
Howdy all! It's been a while so thought an update was in order.
In exactly 1 week she is closing on a house and moving out, I am keeping our current home. So things are progressing. The last few months have been OK for the most part - with a few hiccups here and there. The short version is I am now the one pushing the separation/divorce and she is having second thoughts. I don't know if it is because of the changes I've made to be a better person, if it is because all her side-dudes fell thru, if it is because she's realizing what this all really means going forward, or a combination of all the above. But she's been trying to pull me back and I am not letting her. It came to a head on a call with our counselor who is helping guide us thru this when she asked where each of us were and I said I was done and moving on. Of course, that makes me the a-hole now. Funny how that works.
The latest blow up came because I wasn't going to take time off of work to help her get situated in the new house - hang drapes, move furniture, etc. I did tell her I would help her move, because it is not just her stuff it is the boys' as well and I think it would be a dick move not to help her, but I am not going to build desks! Of course, this makes me a selfish a-hole as well. She has been packing her stuff up and got mad I wasn't helping - which isn't true because I've helped her pick up furniture, fixed things that she bought, and managed to jenga together 2 households' worth of stuff in the garage.
I've tried, and succeeded for the most part, to not take the bait or engage in fights when she throws out digs left and right but it is really hard now that I am done with all of it. But I don't want it to turn ugly - especially before she's actually out of the house. So I enforce the boundaries I can, suck it up otherwise, and keep an eye on the calendar. It's gonna be a long week...
She’s not having second thoughts if she has bought a house and is moving out. Probably doesn’t like that fact that you are detaching from here. Sounds like your NGS is still kicking in. Stick with the board and we can maneuver you through til the end.
You have no idea what a blessing this will be for you.
Unbelievable how entitled WSs are, expecting you to interrupt your life to help her leave you. SMH Way to stick to your guns! Remember, command respect. She might not like you but she will respect you!!
Last edited by SteveLW; 08/13/2107:41 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I wonder what you would say to me if I wrote that my XH was mad at me for not helping him move out of my house? And that he said I was an ay hole for not building furniture...and that the reason he is moving out is because he cheated on me and dropped a bomb on me a year ago?
What would you tell me?
I understand keeping the peace, especially when she's almost gone, but something I think to myself when XH would go through the cycle of charm/anger/blame with me was "you have no power here, Gandolf" and it helped.
I like the idea of picking your battles, and helping her move is certainly your choice, but as soon as she's out, you are going to have to really hold tight to your boundaries because she will use the heck out of you if you don't (ask me how I know). : /
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
She’s not having second thoughts if she has bought a house and is moving out. Probably doesn’t like that fact that you are detaching from here.
She literally said she was having second thoughts in our session, but I think it is more that reality is setting in. She's had this warped sense of what things were going to look like between us from the get go. She was talking about still going on family trips, having Sunday dinners, etc. but now she's finally realizing that ain't gonna be happening and she is going to be alone and I think it's scaring the crap out of her.
Originally Posted by LH19
Sounds like your NGS is still kicking in.
It's a battle, for sure, but nowhere near how it used to be. Tomorrow is our youngest's b-day party at the house and I've been getting things ready while she's packing and doing her stuff. I'll do what I think is reasonable to help but I'm not going to fall for the victim BS again.
Unbelievable how entitled WSs are, expecting you to interrupt your life to help her leave you. SMH Way to stick to your guns! Remember, command respect. She might not like you but she will respect you!!
It's so true. She's so angry right now and I'm saying "this is what you've been wanting all along!"But somehow I am now the one who is destroying the family. lol.
