Charting My Course (Part 2)

[Gekko]

So there's been some lively discussion regarding Red Flags since my last post - this is good!

Seems like the concept of "passive" or "background" RF has hit a nerve. When evaluated within the context of my proposal as to how to deal with a RF, aka don't ignore it but instead take a hard look, raise the issue, discuss it, suss it out, evaluate it, etc. (notice nowhere in there have i said nuke the R at the first sign...), i'm not sure i get the problem with such an approach. In fact I can't say I agree with any other approach.

[Gekko]

Hey guys, it's been a minute, not sure why the spirit moved me to log in but I did so I'll ramble out an update. Life is great, busier than ever and digging it. Work is jamming, the kids' schedules are insane and the social calendar is pretty packed. I love it all. I see the ex alot at kids' school and sporting events and it's all good. We have done a bunch of holidays together as well and it's all good. All business.

As for the dating life, it has been nothing more than casual hookups/dates which has been working good for me and my busy schedule. It's pretty much been going as it always has during the single periods of my life, keeping it casual with different women rotating in and out of my schedule, until the universe decides to drop a special one in my lap that merits some movement toward monogamy. I'm feeling open to it when it happens but I don't pursue these things, they just happen in my experience. I was surprised to have a feeling of openess to monogamy sooner than I thought after BD, but given the fact that I was checking out of my MR about 5 years before BD, and its been 3 more years since then, that's a total of about 8 years without a real satisfying intimate R. That's the longest stretch I've ever had by far.

I remain thankful for the vets on the forum for hearing me out and letting me rant on and giving some great tips and affirmation. I have always felt a little like a fish out of water here in that I was never really looking to save the MR and was really turned off by the W's behavior, I think I was more looking for a place to spew out my thoughts and experiences. Aside from the immediate aftermath of BD, involving IHS and telling the kids which sukked, life is so much better now than the last 5 years of my MR. I mean waaaay better.

I have to concede I suk at weighing in on other people's sitches but there is a better possibility of me responding to stuff on this thread if there anything about my sitch that raises a question that someone has. Not exactly how it's supposed to work but's that all I got right now. Hope all you good people are well and trending upward!

[LH19]

Gekko,

I love reading your updates. Just know that casual hookups are frowned upon by most on this board. (Long story). I like you figure long term monogamy will happen when it happens. I also realize it’s been about 8 years for me since a woman has said those 3 words to me. I wish everyone including myself was strong enough to go 100 percent in the opposite direction at bomb drop.

Take care G.

[SteveLW]

Great update, Gekko! Good to hear from you and glad that you are doing well!

[Ready2Change]

Glad to see the update.

As for the dating life, it has been nothing more than casual hookups/dates which has been working good for me and my busy schedule. It's pretty much been going as it always has during the single periods of my life, keeping it casual with different women rotating in and out of my schedule, until the universe decides to drop a special one in my lap that merits some movement toward monogamy. I'm feeling open to it when it happens but I don't pursue these things, they just happen in my experience.

I believe casual hookups after divorce are actually a good thing, especially for those that have only been with one person. Even those of us that had experience before our marriage need to figure out some things. I know I did.

I have always felt a little like a fish out of water here in that I was never really looking to save the MR and was really turned off by the W's behavior.

From my point of view, you were different than most of the male posters here. You already had the skill set that most here need/needed to learn.

I have to concede I suk at weighing in on other people's sitches but there is a better possibility of me responding to stuff on this thread if there anything about my sitch that raises a question that someone has. Not exactly how it's supposed to work but's that all I got right now. Hope all you good people are well and trending upward!

Not much new traffic these days. There is a lot less triage needed.

Many posters have posted a "What I learned" or "What worked for me" type summaries. I think one from you would be helpful to anyone reading it.

Regards,

R2C

[BL42]

Gekko,

Always great to see folks surface for an update. Glad to hear life is good.

One question...your kids were 7 & 4 at BD (mine are similar now). How are they doing 3.5 years later?

[Gekko]

Hey BL thanks for checking in. The kids are doing great and really haven't missed a beat throughout the entire time. They get great grades in school and both are also heavily into sports. They both have excellent friends from wonderful families. Zero behavioral issues beyond the normal kid stuff.

I think there are many factors that have helped. My ex and I live about 5 minutes apart so transitions are quick and easy. The kids have their own rooms, that they decorated, at my house. It's a nice neighborhood with a community center/pool and they already knew kids in the neighborhood which helped. They have everything they need here and at their moms so there is no packing of suitcases etc.

We do alot of (but not all) holidays together aka with my ex, usually involving mutual friends also, and it's all cool. My ex and I both do school and sport events and it's all good. No BS or weird vibes for the kids to pick up on.

We have a set custody schedule splitting the weeks in half, same days every week, which so far has been working great. I'd say about 2/3 of the year we run the same set schedule, and the other 1/3 is modified based on vacations and other events that call for some flexibility. It's been almost effortless to make modifications. It really could not be any smoother, being flexible is key.

I'm pretty involved in the kids lives, lots of talks, adventures, hang time, games, etc. I try to plan more stuff involving the kids' friends coming along for the ride as they are getting to that stage. My oldest is getting to the point of wanting more alone time in the bedroom or rec room which is normal and will probably only increase.

I know it's normal to be worried how the D will affect the kids, it's the cause of alot of concern, and if you make the right moves and have the right attitude I think things can be really good, not ideal from the kids' view but still pretty good. The whole thing about life is that it goes by fast and before you know it the kids are gone. Enjoy the ride and make it fun for them and connect with them and it will all be good.

[Ready2Change]

Hey brother! Saw you posting to some of the newbies. How's life?

[Gekko]

Hey brother! Saw you posting to some of the newbies. How's life?

Things are great, thank you my friend. Popped onto the board and it seems pretty quiet these days compared to 3-4 years ago....

Guess I'll give a few updated details for the newbies sake if they stop by:

i'm about 4.5 yrs from BD and the MR seems like an alien life a millenium ago. I know I lived that MR life but it no longer seems real. i'm about 5,000 to 10,000 times happier and more peaceful since. No resentment or hard feelings from me, I really don't even think about it.

Lots of social settings involving kids friends and their parents w/my X there and it continues to be easy as pie. So many parents have commended me (and I'm sure my X too) about how great it is that we can hang in the same setting. We are almost always separated and talking to different people though, which is fine by me LOL. True to form the X still takes the occasional shot at me with a sarcastically "joking but not joking" comment whenever she can which I know is coming and I have alot of fun with. The last 2 i can remember, once i just stared at her for 3 seconds and then turned back to the conversation with the other people there and said "sooo, anyway" which got a great response from everyone in the circle, and the other time i just smirked and said "charming, as always". It's so much fun because she is so predictable.

Dating is going pretty well, in would say the biggest speed bump is my limited time, i am busy as eff. Haven't been stoked enough to settle down so it's been more of a revolving door scenario which has been been fun but feels like it's running it's course and I feel pretty ready to sink into something more serious. In my life experience those types of R's tend to fall into my lap when I'm looking the other way so we'll see if that continues to hold true.

How you doin R2C?? Hope all is well man!

[Ready2Change]

Thanks for the update. Figured you would be thriving.

Things are great, thank you my friend. Popped onto the board and it seems pretty quiet these days compared to 3-4 years ago....

I think the divorce rate is waaaaay down. Maybe in a year or two no one else will ever get divorced.

How you doin R2C?? Hope all is well man!

All is great. Empty nester now. Too many hobbies and never enough time. My lady got us tickets for Jo Koy this Friday for my Birthday. Will be good times!